Disclaimer:

I do not own either Harry Potter or Lucius Malfoy.

(Though, if looks could kill Narcissa, that would be quickly remedied.)

As I do not yet have sole control of the Malfoy fortune,

your attempts at litigation make a Crumple Horned Snorlack look logical.

Interlude – Day 5

Harry was delighted to find himself singing at a karaoke bar, in downtown London. Hermione was right; this was just the thing to make him feel better. He smiled contentedly as he lapsed from Feelings and into It's Rainin' Men. His voice bounced beautifully off the walls, even the inch thick shag someone had stapled to them couldn't seem to contain it.

He did have to wonder, though. Most of the room seemed to be wearing tight leather, though there were also a few in oddly modified naval uniforms. And at least one person was wearing a collar, complete with leash. He shrugged it off and jumped off the stage. A leather-clad Voldemort stood to meet him and he was quite surprised to find himself dipping the older man in a clichéd kiss.

He set his lover back to his feet, only to notice Ginny in priest's robes on his right. She smirked. "Well, I know you just married the man, Harry. But, really, snogging like that in a church?"

He looked around him, startled to find everyone staring at himself, Voldemort and Malfoy. More astonishing, was that he was the one in the tux. While he had to admit that Voldemort didn't do well in white lace, Malfoy seemed quite lovely in cream. He started to say something, only to come face-to-face with a dour Snape. "Move aside, Potter. I haven't got all day…. Well, Ginny, it is our turn to be married."

Harry blinked at the House Elf on Snape's arm. "You're marrying Snape?"

Dobby stood up straight. "That's Professor Snape, Harry Potter. And he is to be taking good care of Dobby."

Harry blinked as he walked his brides down the rose-strewn aisle. They exited the church, only to find themselves on the Quidditch pitch. There was Lee Jordan, giving commentary. "There goes Lucy, again: crying at having to wear cream. Will someone remind the moron that he was married before all this happened?... All right, Professor McGonagall…. Anyway, Tommy looks terrible today in an outdated Muggle gown of white lace. What do you have to say about this, Mrs. Potter?"

Harry's mother took the microphone. "Really, I get myself killed to save my son – and the Potter family line – and he goes poofter on us. You'd think, with a taste for older men, he'd at least snag Severus. Lord knows, he needs a good shagging."

Jordan just nods and passes the mike over to James. "I hate to say this, but I have to agree with Lily…. I mean, Riddle of all people. Look at him: permanent red-eye, corpse-white skin, and a hideous hygiene problem. Sometimes I think that those most respected in this society are the ones whose body odor clears a room in less than thirty seconds."

Dumbledore grabbed the microphone. "Indeed, in my day, no one bathed more than once or twice a year. We were much healthier then, with fewer cases of chill-induced pneumonia… At any rate, would you look at Lucy? I've waited thirty years to see him cry like that, and I must say it's worth the wait!... Would anyone care for a lemon drop?"

Harry blinked at them. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You bastards! Do you mean to tell me that you let things happen like this just to see Lucy cry? I can't believe you!" He turned to his parents, "Especially you! I've spent the last four years turning them into something fairly respectable and you show up at my wedding to laugh at them? You are in so much fucking trouble!"

He started to run up into the stands after them, but found himself in a ballroom. Luna smiled as he glanced up at a dais set to the side. Scrimgeour held aloft a three foot tall crown, his muscles straining with effort. "For the ability to see that which mere mortals cannot, we hereby crown you Queen of the World. We humbly await your command, Your Majesty."

She strode down off the dais, her crown swinging crazily back and forth. She stopped at Harry. Belatedly, he made a clumsy bow. She smiled. "Harry Potter, why aren't you at your wedding?"

He blinked. "I was looking for my parents. They crashed and made horrible comments about my… brides."

She frowned. "Dig the Potters up and hang them."

Scrimgeour opened his mouth a few times before anything came out. "But, Your Majesty, they're dead."

Luna waved a hand as if that didn't matter. "They'll still feel it. When they're finished kicking up a fuss about it, have bits of them posted all over Britain, with signs warning to never upset dear Harry again."

Scrimgeour bowed. "Yes, Your Majesty."

Harry turned around and around, noticing that – aside from Luna and Scrimgeour – everyone in the room was dead. Sirius was standing by the punch bowl, trying not to look guilty for spiking it with three types of liquor. He grabbed his head in his hands and shook. Finally he screamed. "This can't be happening!"

Voldemort let out an 'oomph' as Harry's elbow connected with his stomach. He grabbed his wand off the bedside table and pointed it at his attacker, only to see Harry sitting straight up and looking like someone had just been murdered in front of him. He set his wand back down and looked at the yawning Lucius. "Harry… Are you all right?"

Harry threw himself into Voldemort's arms. "Tommy, promise me you'll never wear white at our wedding. Lee'll torment Lucy 'cos he can't."

Voldemort and Lucius met each other's eyes. Neither was sure what was stranger, the new nicknames or references to whoever this 'Lee' was. With a sigh, 'Tommy' cuddled Harry closer. "I would never wear white, Harry. You know I much prefer black or green."

With a nod, Harry drifted back to sleep.

ADAD

I just had to throw in a bit more insanity with a crazy dream. This is why my update is so late… The image hit me and wouldn't let go. It wanted to write itself in!

The "This can't be happening!" is an homage to my new favorite video game, Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem. If you like games that make you wonder if you're going nuts, try it. You'll run down a hall, just to have an arm pop off. Then the other arm follows. Then your head is somewhere behind, and blood is dripping off the walls and you're trying to figure out what's attacking you. Then the next thing you know, you're severed at the waist and you hear, "This isn't happening!" or some variation thereof, and you're back at the beginning of the hallway in one piece and wondering if you might have left your brain behind somewhere.

It's for Game Cube, and it was really cheap at the second hand store. If you can find a disk of it, play it. (That was just one of over sixty insanity events I've found so far.)