I am Not gay!

Dear fans,

I'm not going to waste your time with this, I'm going to get straight to the point. I did not have sexual intercourse with that short tempered shrimp, Ed. Why am I wasting my time typing this, you say? Because! I've read some of some of ya'll stories, some of these so-called "RoyxEd" fanfics, and I was so pissed at what you people are typing about me! Talking about me penetrating Ed, or me having sex with him! No, wait, here's my favorite, me raping the little bastard! I would never do that! Not in a million freaking years! Come on! If I was gay (which I'm not) I COULD so get a better looking guy than that! Look at him, he's short! And also, do you people know how bitchy that guy is off the set? You thought he was all ranty when called short! He's much worst off camera! Trust me.

All right, another point to put to light. I've read more of your fanfics, those "RoyxHavoc." They will NEVER work. I don't know what the world gave you people the damn idea that I would have sex with guy that will soon die of lung cancer. Honestly. Those "Royai" ones too, I think I spelled it right. Riza is undeniably hot to me, of course, we have kicked it off a few times, but I wouldn't really die for her, maybe give up my seat for her, but not die. Those don't really make me mad. Now! This is what made me almost burst my PC into flames. One word.

"EnvyxRoy"

Whoever thought of that idea I PROMISE to god if I find you I will kill you. I don't care if you plead, just telling you right now. There is always a mastermind behind every problem, so WHOEVER made the idea and spread that shit to others, I just want to know, what color do you want your coffin to be? So you better hide. One thing. Envy is one ugly motherfucker, not even Ed is that bad. He looks like a freaking prostitute in those hoochie clothes. At first when I saw him I thought that palm tree was gay. Took me a month to find out he was a guy. Yes it surprised me too.

Another thing I have been getting emails from a lot of girls that say they want to have my kids, kiss me, etc. I love them all. But I have been getting emails and letters from guys too. Some guys do send me emails saying how sexy I look, and how they would like to get in my pants. So you know, I've put all the male emails that say that as spam so they won't get to me. Alright? Stop wasting your time typing emails to me and wondering why I don't respond its because I've blocked you all. So stop.

Also I have been getting some emails from guys that say I'm awesome and I represent all males around the world I would like to say thank you. But I have also been getting threatening emails from guys saying I stole their girlfriend and how there going to find me and kill me, but just so you know geniuses, I can trace your emails back your house and you can be arrested so I suggest you stop because after today I will trace them and you will be put on trial for attempted murder.

So that's all I have to say thanks for reading. Keep up those emails you sexy ladies and have Roy-filled time.

Love, from the best FMA character, Roy Mustang

p.s. Stop calling my goddamn cell phone! You're running up my minutes! I don't know how you girls get it, but just stop! Please!