AN: This is a rather short one-shot. I don't really know what to say about this fic. It's pretty random, pretty useless, but I had to type it up. Enjoy…?
Obtund
The more Kagome thinks, the more she finds things to be useless. What's the point in caring? Absolutely nothing. What's the point in wondering? It'll get you nowhere in the end. And what's the point of caring when all it will do is make you feel guilty for whatever reason?
Yes, Kagome feels that she understands things more often than not. Except for the fact that she has a completely irrational fear of trees. Then again, she thinks it's pretty rational. But maybe she's just being irrational for thinking she's rational. She'd rather not think about it.
It's snowing, and when Kagome was fifteen, she hated snow. The constant coldness, the dead surroundings…But now she doesn't seem to mind it so much. She doesn't love it, she doesn't hate it. And she smiles a little. Maybe she can finally relate to Kikyou.
Not that there was a point in it anymore. She took too long to mature.
The well was sealed now, and no matter what Kagome wished, it would remain forever locked. There would be no more late night packings, no more yelling at a certain hanyou, no more feeling guilty over the shattered jewel. She was free from all the bitterness of the feudal era. As years passed, she figured she enjoyed her new sense of freedom more than ever.
But those trees still scare her. Their heavy branches, hollow trunks, and forlorn expressions. Kind of like the hanyou boy who stole her heart and failed to give it back; he had a heavy heart, a hollow feeling to him, and a forlorn life. The symbolism was all too perfect, Kagome realizes.
While the seasons change and the hanyou drifts further and further away in the past, Kagome finds herself happier. She can move on. She sees Hojo at least two times a week and she can actually laugh. No more angry tears, no more yelling, just good conversation.
It's just that the trees are getting to her head lately.
In summertime, Kagome finds herself sitting on the steps leading to the well. The well house is bare and cold like winter's breath, but it doesn't bother her. She can just tell right now that her mother's eyes are staring at her through the window, wishing she would stop doing this to herself. Kagome thinks her mother is too paranoid. Or maybe she's not paranoid enough.
"I wish you'd stop," she says, wringing her hands nervously.
Kagome looks up as she enters the shrine and walks past her and up the stairs to her sanctuary.
"It's only a matter of time before you ruin your life completely! You don't even talk to Hojo anymore! Why don't you tell me what's wrong? Please…" Her mother pleads.
The door quietly shuts.
The minute she enters her room, she shrieks and quickly draws the blinds, shutting her eyes as tightly as possible. She can see the branches of a tree drooping closely by her window and it scares her. She hates those things. With a few sniffles, she gathers herself in a ball on her bed, sobbing. It's the first time she's sobbed in years, and to be honest, it feels pretty good.
She cries about the hanyou, the past, the jewel, the priestesses before her, and herself. She cries because she can.
Several days later, Kagome is sitting by the Goshinboku, drawing in deep breaths. Her fear has to stop here and now. As her spine touches the thick bark of the tree, she shudders but shuts her eyes. She tries to bring about a calming sensation but trembles. It's too much. The Goshinboku was too powerful for just starting. She needed a weak tree to match her weak strength.
Instead, Kagome retreats to her room, wishing she could be everything she isn't.
Only four days later does Hojo call.
"It's important, Kagome…" He whispers quietly, while Kagome loosely grips the phone by her ear.
"Go on."
"We can't see each other anymore. You've become awkward. I've tried to talk to you…Try to connect with what you've been feeling but…Nothing works. I…I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry."
He hears a sigh of relief on the other line.
"I was hoping this would happen."
She hangs up the phone.
It's one less worry in her life. Hojo wasn't as good as she thought. It was all small talk…Nothing important…Nothing that could truly help her get over everything. Just to feel safe for a moment, she hugs her pillow tightly, hoping that maybe she'll disappear.
Winter is approaching again. Kagome's forgotten how old she is. She may as well be over 500 years old, considering she was in the feudal era for a good amount of time. Age doesn't even matter anymore. Nothing ever matters. The thought of relating to Kikyou again resurfaces. She finds herself wanting to do this more often.
But that tree. That tree that sits in her yard, standing still and strong scares her away. She can't even look at other trees without holding back a scream. A tear escapes her eye and she brushes it aside, just like she does everything else.
Kagome's mother can't keep quiet anymore. She has to say something to break the silence.
"What happened to the old Kagome? The one who cared about people and things…The one who was happy and carefree. What happened to her!" She shrieks. "I want my daughter back! I want her back!"
Kagome can only stare at her mother's sinking form in the chair, holding her head in her hands. She wants to comfort her and tell her everything will be alright, but she can't do that when she can't even fix her own problems.
So she walks away.
Kagome wraps her arms around the Goshinboku, not feeling any fluttering emotion in her chest of anxiety or fear…Just a peaceful silence. Her breath comes out in small clouds, dissolving in the sky. For a moment, she swore she could feel the heavy arms of a hanyou wrap his arms around her back, but the feeling quickly faded.
It was then that she realizes her true phobia. Her true fear.
The hanyou.
Her arms slowly release from the tree and she crumples into a small heap on the ground, burying her hands in the cold snow. She cries and cries, hoping that this was all one long nightmare. She'd wake up and find herself by the fire, sleeping on the lush grass next to all her friends. They'd soon go shard hunting. Everything would be normal.
But when she looked up, she saw that the snow was still falling lightly all around her. She heaved a sigh and got up, and walked towards the well. Her mother wasn't watching this time. In fact, her mother never watches anymore. She's given up hope.
Kagome opens the door to the well house in a rather jerky motion before descending the steps. With timid hands, she slowly gets them ready, ready to jump inside. In one quick motion, she flings herself over the edge, waiting for the odd yet calming sensation of floating through time. But it never comes. Just an empty feeling. She touches dirt and lets out a small sigh. It wasn't like she wasn't expecting it. The first time she did it when the well was sealed, she cried and cried…But now…Now she felt…
What did she feel?
Loneliness.
It's a start, Kagome thought wryly.