Epilogue

I was so sure no one would ever love me. What was I, a boy with no family, no friends, and no connections to good people? I was nothing, and it terrified me. In fact, I was so scared that I when I found that gun and blew my guardian to kingdom come it didn't matter. I was just glad to feel anything but fear, even if I was just trading it for guilt. But despite my efforts, it still didn't stop. That feeling, that knowledge, I was sure that no one would ever love me…

I remember the day I walked into that orphanage. I remember the looks on those children's faces. They had such innocence and beauty. I made a vow that I would do everything in my power, anything to keep them safe. What should I have done then, when he came to me? The deal was so sweet, so, I took him up on it, who wouldn't have? How was I supposed to know my life would forever change? I set out expecting to find security.

The day that I met them, the girls and him, I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. But when I saw his heart, his smile, I knew, I knew why Knives wanted him. And then there were the girls. I knew right away that the short girl was head over heals for Vash, it was so obvious. But Milly had that gentle, sweet disposition, like an angel. Er, I'm no good at descriptions, I sound like she's a softy. Don't get me wrong, she's gentle but she's not weak. Weak? Ha! Gentle, yes, but also tough, you know? She was hard as nails when she needed to be. But to see her with those children, Lord God, she was a vision of mercy and hope. I admit I forgot myself and I loved her.

Who was I kidding? It was a fairytale, it was a façade. But it was going to catch up with me, and I knew it. Of course, I would have delayed the inevitable forever if I could have, just to be there with them. I knew what I was doing was unfair, the moment she came into my room, I should have sent her away. I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd have to leave her, but I just couldn't leave her then. I had feared all my life that no one would love me, but she did! She was so kind, so beautiful, and so happy. I couldn't turn her away. I knew I was being selfish but I'm glad I didn't send her away. I took her into my arms and took her innocence, but yet she gave it to me, in ways I would never have expected. She was so alive, so perfect, that it made me feel alive too, for the first time in my life. I didn't allow myself to think about what the consequences of my actions were. Even though I knew I was going to experience such horrors…

I can remember stumbling into the church, and shedding my worthless blood on that holy ground. I can remember propping my cross beside me and closing my eyes for what I believed to be the last time. I knew I was dead. But when I opened my eyes, I didn't see heaven; I saw a ceiling before me. It was as if my history my memory had been erased. I knew who I was, Nicholas D. Wolfwood, one of your dime-a-dozen Priests. But where I was, and how I got there, were mysteries to me. I had no recollection of the recent past, the humanoid typhoon and the insurance girls were scattered memories that seemed merely like dreams. So I moved and I lived as I always had before, a lost priest trying to find lost lambs, but it truly was the blind leading the blind. The nightmare life I had known before had returned. Again, no one loved me. Until that day...

It was like walking in a dream, walking beside her. I had to ask if she were married, I had to know if she could ever in my wildest dreams belong to me. Little did I know she already did! When she dropped, so did my heart. Racing her to the doctor's office, I panicked about what would happen if she died. When they said her name my memories literally hit me like a ton of bricks. She was my love! She was my big girl! She was my Milly, and those were my children! I was loved! I knew my life would be changed forever, I couldn't wait…

I don't know what would have been different if I had known all this before. If I had known what love was like, what life was like, what it meant to be understood. I had never known peace, you see, or maybe it just didn't know me. He never struggled like I did. We were born into a world that I wanted to be a specific way, and it simply wasn't. I don't know if it met his desires either. But we were more alike then he knew. I had hoped for love and peace, but instead I found malice and hatred. What was I supposed to do? No one understood me; no one could ever understand me.

Balance had always been something that fascinated me. But those first few years there was hardly a balance. There was Rem, the sweet and rose-colored-glass visionary, who lived in a world that was thoroughly illogical. And there were people like Steve, the filthy, loathsome delinquent, whose world was a picture of evil. I saw them, the butterflies and the spiders and I realized that neither were good. After all, what could the butterflies to do save themselves from the spiders? And what could the spiders do to save themselves? The answers were one and the same. Nothing! But to make it all worse, there was a thorn in my side. Vash, my own brother, my own flesh and blood! And he didn't understand me, no, he didn't try to. So I made up my mind, there would never be an understanding between Vash and Knives.

I didn't feel bad about the murders. The deaths I was credited with, in my mind, were completely justified. They were evil, all of the dead got what was coming to them. In my mind's eye I saw their true selves, the weak and miserable persons behind their masks. They were foolish humans, foolish finite humans. But Vash didn't understand. He stood there with his heart on his sleeve, willing to give whatever it took to save them. He wanted to be the one to save them, when no one else could. He wanted to be their savior. I hated him for it. I hated him because he honestly thought he could save them all, and I hated him because he probably could if I'd have stayed out of his way. With enough time, my brother, who shared my determination, would have saved them all, I believe. So, I did what it took to bring him down. I played every card I could; I cut him to the core. I, his own brother, I, Knives, watched him suffer. I watched him bleed and I watched him cry. And I kept my heart from feeling anything. Or so I thought.

When he beat me, I felt that side of me die. When he stood there and pointed his angel arm at me I saw in his eyes the pain that I inflicted upon him and I knew my sins must be paid for. I knew he perhaps did want peace with me. I also knew I needed him to save me. I remember waking up and knowing he had invaded my mind. But his eyes shown with a new sympathy, a look I had never seen before. When he told me he loved me, that he was glad I was his brother, I was lost. He understood me, for the first time in my life, he understood me, and I was finally at peace with him.

So there I was, grasping at anything to reform myself, but yet terrified of losing myself entirely. I desperately wanted peace with him. So, I listened to Vash, I watched him make his sacrifices and saw the fruits of his labor. It was an eye opening experience, seeing how much he was willing to give, seeing how much the people needed him. I couldn't quite understand it. But then, I met her.

Had I been born human, I would have, I think, been a great deal like her. Much to my surprise she was quite unique as a human, she was quick witted, logical and cool. I hadn't met a human like her; so I admit I was fascinated. It might have been her fearless courage, or her admitted good looks. Or perhaps there were elements of everything I had wanted in man-kind, in her, perhaps. She was the personification of the good that he was trying to show to me. How was I to know I would fall? But fall I did.

Our marriage was, I'm sure, an odd one. I wasn't one for silly human tradition, but, she butted-heads with me and I gave in. Of course, I'll be the first to admit that watching her come down that aisle, all in white, moved my heart. She was a vision of loveliness, and as she took my hand and winked at me, I laughed. It was like coming home, only to a home I had never known. She was like Vash, she understood me...

Love and peace, that's what she taught me, love and peace. But basically, all I really wanted was love. And I loved her more than anything a little boy could ever love. She was like a mother, but yet, so much more. So, I promised to live my life in a way that would please her, in a way that would make Rem happy. I saw the struggles of man at an early age and I felt compassion for them, but he didn't. Oh no, Knives was not a compassionate person. Of course, I tried to rise above them turmoil, but Knives didn't avoid it at all. He thrived in the chaos. From the day that she died, from the day that he killed her, pain took the front seat in my life. No matter where I went, always, hot-on-my-heals were death and sorrow. They chased me down just like a mangy dog, but I was wise to their tricks, because I knew their creator. I knew they came from Knives.

The years passed in somewhat of a blur. I saw a great many things and tasted and felt and I loved it all. But every time I got comfortable, every time I got safe, he came for me and ruined it all. Of course, I was going to please her at all costs. No matter what it took, I wouldn't kill, and I wouldn't fight back. So I did the only thing I could, I ran.

But I ran into her. She wasn't looking for me though, or at least she didn't think she was. In fact, it took her a long time to realize what I was, who I was, but she did it at last. And I have found that instead of something happening at once, it's sometimes better that it happens at last. She went through a great deal for me, and with me. She watched me and I didn't hold back, I showed her every side of me, except for that side. I couldn't let her see the pain, the agony. Until the day that the mangy dog found me, yet again. I saw his name written in blood and I shot it, dotting the 'i'. And then I saw her. She stood there, short and bitchy and adorable and looked up at me with confusion and fear in her eyes. So I decided to tell her everything. I had known that she cared for me, perhaps even loved me, but I knew it would all change when she knew the truth. Of course, everyone I had ever loved ran when they saw what a monster I was, what I was capable of. But I knew I had to be honest with her, at least. When I was done telling her my story, the confusion and fright had melted away to reveal sweet compassion and gentle sorrow, and something infinitely more wonderful. Love! She loved me, despite it all. It didn't matter to her.

I knew then that I couldn't run from him anymore. He had to be met head on; he had to be dealt with. But not for Rem, no, not anymore, she would always be an inspiration, but it was too late to save her now. Now it had to be done for her, for my Meryl.

I knew I would defeat him. I knew I would win, and I knew I wouldn't kill him. I didn't expect what I found in his mind though, the pain and the betrayal. It broke my heart. I made a new vow that day, a vow to prove my brotherly love to my brother. The only problem was that although I wanted to love my brother and to take my time with him, I also wanted desperately to go back to her. I knew she would be worried and I wanted to give her peace, to show her I was still alive. But if you had seen what Knives was capable of, you wouldn't have trusted him within 100 iles of someone you loved. And yes, I did love her.

Of course, it turned out alright in the end. He found his peace and I found my love and all was made well. I remember so vividly what it was like seeing her lying beneath me for the first time. She was all eyes, and for that matter, so was I. She looked so different next to me in the moonlight. She was soft and pink and perfect and I was torn apart and scarred and hideous. But once again, she loved me, and she didn't see my ugliness, she only saw the man she married.

My search for love and peace was finally complete. My love had been found from someone that I would never have expected to love me, and my peace through the last person I would have thought to be peaceful. But in this life, there are so many surprises. I can't begin to explain them all, but it's beautiful. From the sweet lullabye of a mother, to the cry of her child in the night, it's all beautiful. And what an adventure it is! I can only pray that my daughter will know the beauty of it all. After all, Rem has so much love to experience, and her mother and I are excellent teachers...

I don't know everyone; I tried something a little different this time and made it all from an individual's point of view. I don't know if I like it… I may make a part two from the women's point of view…it depends on how many reviews I get. wink wink - lisa