CHAPTER ELEVEN
"Damn, Second Place," Tex said, and she could hear the anger in his voice.
"What?" she said defensively. Tex looked at her incredulously.
"You really feel that way about him?" Tex asked quietly. Jesse went to say something, but nothing came out. How did she feel about Mike Slattery? She couldn't honestly answer that question, so she closed her mouth and looked at the table.
"I don't know what I feel," she whispered.
"I've seen that man go through hell and I ain't never seen him broken like he is now," Tex said with a sigh.
"That supposed to make me feel bad?" Jesse said angrily.
"No. Just stating a fact," Tex said the fight going out of him. "I want you to think long and hard about how you feel. You need to figure out why you did what you did."
"Because in the heat of the moment I needed physical release. And Slattery was there," she spat out.
"And that was all it was? He was a means to an end?"
"I…" but she couldn't finish. Because she knew she was lying. It wasn't just a physical need that was an act of opportunity. There was more there. She was just scared out of her mind of letting someone get close again. She thought about her late husband. Someone Tex didn't even know about. She thought about her baby boy, pain clogging her thought process. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she cried.
"There's something going on with you. Talk to me," Tex said gently. Jesse couldn't stop the tears as the memories of her lost family flooded her.
"Because I can't love again and lose. I can't let myself become vulnerable to another human's whims."
"Jesse," Tex said gently.
"No, Tex. You don't know the whole story. You don't know the pain I've been through. You don't know all of me," she said in anger. It was hurting her, but she couldn't talk about them. Not now, not to him. Maybe not ever. The pain was raw, with rough edges that cut deep. James had swept her off her feet. They hadn't been married long when she got pregnant with Hunter. When he was born, he was the perfect little baby, completing the family she had always wanted. And then six months later she had held her baby boy while he died of the Red Flu. Two weeks later, James had joined him. She had never experienced that kind of pain before. Slattery reminded her a lot of James. And that made it hurt even more.
She ate some food, but her stomach was churning with anger and hurt. Memories were assaulting her now and she just wanted to escape the horrors. Tex was eating in silence. She was almost done eating when he spoke again.
"I'm sorry, Jesse," Tex said with a sigh. She nodded slowly. "Are you going to stick out the job?"
"I don't know, Tex, I really don't know what to do."
"What do you want?" Tex asked. And that was the problem she didn't know what she wanted.
"I don't know," she said with a shudder. Tex nodded and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"Well, when you figure it out, I hope you can still get what you want," he said softly then rose and left the mess hall. Jesse sat and picked at her remaining food but knew she wasn't going to eat anymore. She cleaned up her mess and left, walking out into the cool night air. She knew she couldn't return to the barracks right now. Her emotions were too raw, and she didn't want to be around the women recruits.
She walked aimlessly around the base, taking in the cool night, and trying to clear her head of the unwanted memories Tex had unknowingly stirred up. She thought about Tex's question, about what she wanted. She really didn't know the answer to that.
She liked this job. Jesse started making a comparison list of pros and cons about the job and sticking around. The biggest con was…she had fucked her boss. Pretty much everything else fell under pro. She hung her head. She thought about how she felt about Mike Slattery.
That was something she needed to make clear to herself. What did she think of the man himself? Obviously, she had a strong physical attraction to him. He was older than her, but age didn't really matter to her. She enjoyed being around him, his easy-going nature, and laid-back personality suited her. She closed her eyes, there didn't seem to be anything to make her run away. So why was she panicking? Because she wasn't ready to feel like she is feeling.
She continued to walk, needing to work out in her head all the emotions that were bombarding her. She was a little mad at herself that she couldn't make herself go to the gym. What she really needed was a vigorous session with the bag, but she wasn't ready to face the place where it had happened. Not yet.
As she rounded a building, she heard voices up ahead and she stopped. She listened closer and realized it was Mike Slattery's voice she was hearing. He must be on the phone she thought. She stood where she was not wanting to draw his attention.
When she heard him end the call she was frozen in place. She didn't know what to do, she couldn't figure out what she wanted to do. Part of her wanted to go up to him and talk to him. Part of her wanted to run away and never look back. The internal battle waged in her mind as she fought to not hyperventilate. Finally, her feet were moving towards him.
She came out of the shadows and slowly approached him, not wanting to startle him too badly. Her brain was in a panic as she didn't know what she was going to say to him when she finally reached him. He turned towards her, and a look of surprise crossed his face as she stopped next to the bench he was sitting on.
"Can't sleep?" she asked lamely as she stared at her feet.
"Uh, no. Was just talking to a friend on the phone," Slattery said. She couldn't read his face or his tone. That made her even more nervous.
"Right," she said because she couldn't think of anything else to say. She scoffed the toe of her shoe in the dirt, trying to slow her heart rate down.
"Need something, Baker?" he asked. She looked at him curiously. He had never called her by her last name before except, in a professional manner.
"I just wanted to say," she started but cut off. She had no idea what she wanted to say. She blew out a breath and was assaulted by a mixture of memories of their sex and the past. Slattery was watching her closely. "Fuck, I don't know what to say."
"Then I guess we don't have anything to say," he said void of all emotion. She felt like crying. She had really screwed this up.
"I guess not," she said trying really hard not to cry. Slattery's expression softened and he looked away from her. He scooted down the bench a little and patted the spot next to him. Without looking at her he started to speak.
"Stop lying. Sit down and tell me why you're terrified of what we did in the gym."
"I'm not terrified of sex," she said defensively. Slattery sighed as she slid cautiously onto the bench next to him.
"Something happened," Slattery began.
"I'll say," she whispered. Slattery looked at her and Jesse looked down at her feet. She couldn't meet his eyes right now, there was too much flowing through her own.
"Jesse," he said gently. Her heart skipped a beat. It was the first time he had ever said her first name. She didn't even know he knew what it was. She had to admit she liked the way it sounded coming from him.
"You know my first name," she said with a small smile. Slattery nodded.
"I'm not in the habit of fucking women I don't even know their name."
"Did you find out before or after?" Jesse asked. Slattery looked down at his feet.
"After," Slattery admitted. "But not from lack of trying."
Jesse did have to give him that much. He had tried to get her to tell him her first name more than once. They were quiet for a while and Jesse was lost in the memory of her lost family. She nearly jumped off the bench when Mike draped his arm over her shoulders.
"Sorry," he whispered and went to remove his arm. She grabbed his hand and held it in place.
"No, it's okay. You just startled me," she said gently. She felt Slattery relax a little. His arm remained over her shoulders. "I'm sorry I reacted the way I did."
"It hurt," Slattery replied quietly. Jesse nodded. All the sudden she needed to talk about James and Hunter.
"I've felt a pain so deep that I was terrified of what we did would mean," Jesse said. Slattery looked at her with curiosity. "I lost my entire family to the Red Flu. But the hardest two to lose were James and Hunter," she said, her voice breaking as the tears burned her eyes and a lump formed in her throat. Just saying their names out loud caused a searing pain in her chest.
"I lost my wife and children," Slattery said. It was shared in solidarity and not in a one up sort of way.
"James was my husband and Hunter…sweet Hunter was my baby boy," she mumbled as the tears began to fall down her face. She felt Slattery's arm tighten around her as he pulled her close into his side.
"It's always hard when you lose of child," Slattery said, his voice cracking. Jesse looked up to see tears in his eyes.
"Hunter was only six months old. I held him as he took his last ragged harrowing breath," Jesse said as the first sob escaped her throat. Slattery brought both arms around her and wrapped her into a gentle hug.
"I wasn't even home when my children passed. I have no idea how scared they were," Slattery confessed as she felt him shudder. They cried with each other for a while. Jesse took comfort in his arms.
The cool air was getting to her, and she shivered slightly. Slattery noticed and pulled her in closer wrapping his arms a little tighter around her.
"I've never told anyone about Hunter," she said after a while. She felt Slattery kiss the top of her head before he leaned his cheek there. "Tex doesn't even know I had a child."
"Why did you tell me," Slattery asked quietly. His arms were rubbing up and down her body, she assumed in an attempt to stop her shivering.
"I don't know," she said honestly. It had just felt right. She needed to say something to someone. She really didn't know. She breathed in his scent and closed her eyes. She felt herself relaxing in his arms.
"Jesse," he said. She didn't want to move but he seemed to be waiting until he was sure he had her attention. She lifted her head from under his and looked at him. "What do you want?"
"Tex asked me the same thing," she replied with a sigh. "And I don't know how to answer that question."
"Do you feel what happened in the gym was a mistake?" he asked. She closed her eyes and looked deep inside herself. The answer to the question was no. She didn't actually regret having sex with him. On the contrary it had been amazing.
"No," she sighed. "I…panicked."
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know, Slattery. I guess because it wasn't anonymous." She shifted in his grasp and lifted her hand up to his face. He leaned into her touch, kissing her fingers gently. Jesse closed her eyes. She opened them again when she felt his finger gently under her chin. As soon as her eyes were open, she was met with Slattery's intense blue ones. He leaned down closing the gap between them, stopping less than an inch from her.
"Just tell me to stop," Slattery whispered, daring her. She felt the ripple through her belly and realized that she didn't want him to. Jesse didn't wait, she closed the gap between them and crushed her lips to his. He responded, guiding her in a slow exploratory kiss. When they broke apart, he pulled her into his body and squeezed her in a gentle hug.
"I didn't say stop," she said quietly, and she felt him chuckle. She felt him sigh.
"So now what?" he asked. Jesse thought about the question. She couldn't lie anymore; she was attracted to him.
"I don't know," Jesse replied pressing harder into his side. Slattery sat up a little straighter and Jesse shifted so she could see his face.
"I don't know what you want from me," Slattery said sitting back from her. She turned a little, so they were facing each other on the bench. Jesse thought a moment.
"What do you want?" she finally asked, as she was conflicted still internally. Slattery looked at her for a long moment.
"I want to be happy again," Slattery said softly with a frown on his face. Jesse waited him out, not sure if he was done or not. After a long pause he did continue. "I have no idea if that's what will happen but I'm tired of being alone. I like you, Jesse Baker, a lot. I've made numerous attempts to get to know you. I think I made my intentions clear."
"You have," she said feeling a little guilty. "I think the biggest thing holding me back…is that pain of losing James and Hunter."
"I understand."
"There's a rawness to that pain that cuts me deep. But when I was with you, sparring and then having sex, that pain was gone."
"So, what do you want?"
"I think I want to get to know you. All of you," she whispered as she ran her hand down his rib cage. Slattery nodded slowly. Jesse shivered again from the cold air, and Slattery stood up abruptly. He held out his hand.
"Come on," Slattery said, and Jesse put her hand in his. He gripped her and pulled her to her feet. "The perks of being an Admiral? I get my own room," he whispered into her ear. Jesse laughed, as Slattery wrapped an arm around her waist and guided her back towards the barracks.
To Be Continued…