"The Darkest Night" (Part 2/4)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: Subaru Sumeragi, repeatedly denied his death, begins to forget his pain and enjoy the life of a healer.
Disclaimer: Sakura no Miko is not a member of CLAMP. Therefore, she does not own any of its characters.
Subaru Sumeragi, whose thoughts had, of late, focused on death and dying and the afterlife, found himself in the strange position of fighting for life. Not his own, but the life of another.
However, his earlier anger had begun to abet, leaving him uncomfortably aware of the fact that he was, against his every desire, still alive. When he cut his fingers trying to slice rare roots, he reminded himself that he would, very soon, be cut by something much deeper. When the finely-powdered leaves he was crushing blew into his face, causing his eyes to water painfully, he thought of his family, shedding false tears whenever some foolish visitor inquired after his sister.
But, at least, he was comforted by the thought of his sister, smiling fondly at him in whatever utopia the souls gained after they died. Or, at least, the sweet oblivion of nothingness, where he would no longer remember her face, her smile.
He had the memory of the little girl whose medicine he was preparing, the joyful look on her parents' faces as he helped them.
Most of all, he had the knowledge that, by dawn the next day, he would be dead. Firmly, completely, and irrevocably dead.
Why it needed to be at dawn, he didn't know. It made sense, he supposed—with all the patients wandering through the day, it would be…inconvenient to kill someone. Who killed in broad daylight, anyway? And the nights…
Subaru blushed slightly. The nights were reserved for something very different. He hadn't minded, not when his thoughts were dulled, his senses numb. Now that he was forced to think about what he had done…
He began stirring the ingredients more vigorously.
The man infuriated him. His constant apathy was revolting. Then again, what else could he expect of a murderer? Subaru wasn't the first to ask for death. And it was this healer who was granting him the wish he couldn't give himself. He didn't have the right to hate the man, did he? How hypocritical.
He'd never been more angry, not even when he'd first realized what his sister planned to do. He'd never gotten over the fact that she left him.
No, that wasn't true, he chided himself. Even if…even if she had asked, and he had gone, what then? Who would she love more? Him or that…that Kakyou Kuzuki, her husband? Who would she stay with longer? Every minute detail would become a battle, a competition, a war. And no one would be the victor.
Still…at least they'd have still been together…
It did take a long time to prepare the medicine, and by the time it was through, Subaru was thoroughly exhausted. The knife had slipped, the pot had boiled over, and he'd almost ruined the entire mixture. How did the servants manage these ordeals every day?
It was getting dark, and his body ached. Sleep—he wanted to sleep through all this pain, all these horrible memories, sleep until he woke up and went…went right back to sleep again.
"Here you are."
Subaru twisted around. There he was, that uncaring, unfeeling healer. Subaru glared as best he could, holding the precious flask of medicine tightly, as if the man might take it from him.
"You don't seem happy to see me."
Subaru opened his mouth, then shut it without a word. He didn't have words. How could… His fists clenched. How could he be so different? At one moment, so angelic, and at the next, so devilish. That leering, cold-hearted beast standing in front of him…was the man he'd called savior the previous night.
"They will return in the morning to pick it up."
Confused, Subaru's glare died into a wholly innocent look of utter bewilderment. The healer moved closer to him—too close for comfort, but not so much that he wanted to pull away—and tapped at the slender flask. "Oh," he murmured. The man's hands slid around the flask, gently prying it from Subaru's hands. He watched carefully as the flask was placed on a nearby table.
"I'm surprised you finished it."
He was back to that mocking again. That…that look infuriated Subaru beyond words. "It was my first time," Subaru shot back defiantly. There was something—something—about the man that made him so angry, an anger he couldn't reign in, no matter how hard he tried.
"I might have guessed." He took one of Subaru's hands—but so tenderly, so unhurriedly—and drew it towards his face. "These hands are much too soft." His eyes locked to Subaru's. "You're servants must have been quite talented, to keep you from any type of work for so long."
Subaru blushed. He'd never thought about it before, but…it was true. He'd never done anything in his life. He'd even managed to fail in copying the tasks he'd seen—his hands were far too clumsy with a knife, too sensitive for the heat of the stove. He was useless.
"All the more reason," he choked, "for you to hurry up and kill me." His eyes stung. It was bad enough that he ached, ached form his own worthlessness and foolishness. But to have it thrown in his face by this man he loathed… He looked away, desperately—only to find himself staring at her face.
He gasped, a sorry sort of sound. The healer had a large mirror hanging on the wall, and Subaru's tears fell without discretion when he saw his own sorry state—his pale skin, reddened eyes, the stains and marks upon the too-large clothes, and, above all, her features, her face, her, her, her staring back at him with such sorrow in her eyes…
The healer grabbed him roughly, turning him away from the image, thrusting him, pulling him so close, so tight, into a warm embrace. Subaru welcomed the darkness, the warm curves of flesh his face rested against. They didn't speak.
Another night was passing slowly by. They were awake, and had been for what seemed like such a long time. Alone, and awake, though they still shared the one bed, the only bed in the only bedroom Subaru had seen in the house.
The blankets were thick and heavy, but Subaru felt cold. That slow, numb sort of ache had subsided, but only just. He wished for the morning to come.
He silently mouthed her name to himself, for the first in what seemed like a long time. Hokuto. Sister. Twin. Dearest, dearest Hokuto. The name brought a smile to his lips, a tear to his eyes, and a soft sigh to his lips.
He felt the healer stir next to him. The man wasn't…he wasn't so bad, when that stupid smirk was off his face. When he wasn't acting so cold and heartless. When he just…was.
The whispered words next to his ears felt nice, however cruel they were. "Was that her name?" the man whispered, slinging an arm low around Subaru's waist. "Ho—"
"Don't say it," Subaru hissed, his hands instinctive reaching to cover his ears.
"So sensitive," the man murmured. "Is it so hard to think of her name, here like this?"
"What are you talking about?" Subaru said back, confused at the sudden coldness.
"Your little lady-love's name. The pretty little dead angel." So cold, that voice. "And here you are, with another man, her name on your lips."
Subaru's eyes widened. "She was my sister," he hissed back. "Do you think I'd…I'd do this over some stupid lover?"
Silence. It was uncomfortable, cold, empty. Silence.
"Sorry," Subaru replied after another moment of the painful quiet. "You didn't know." No reply. He hated the quiet so much. "But…" He struggled, trying to keep the anger from his voice. "You shouldn't have said that, even if it were true. I…I'm sure it could…it would…hurt just as much to lose the person you loved."
"I wouldn't know."
Subaru let out a sigh of relief. At least the man was talking to him. "Then you shouldn't judge how I—"
"But I wouldn't be so worked up about a sister. Unless, of course," he finished with particular venom, "she were something more to me."
The words stung. "How dare you," Subaru said, shocked. What a sickening thought. He jerked away, his feet touching he cold floor. "My sister…"
"Does it really matter?"
Subaru hadn't expected him to sound like that. Cold, yes, but not…confused. "It matters more than anything," he said back, frozen in place, one foot still firmly on the floor. But he didn't move to take another step. "She was my twin," he continued, trying to explain something he'd always found inexplicable.
"Ah," the man murmured, a sound without emotion, just acknowledgement.
"I've…never been apart from her…until now," Subaru whispered, his voice trembling. "But she left me. She fell in love. She…she…"
Suddenly, he was wrapped up in a strong embrace from behind. "And you need her so much?" whispered near his ear, soft, without a hint of malice or mockery.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because she…she…made me happy. She made me feel whole. She knew me better than anyone else."
"So, you're saying that you need another person to be happy? How weak." The ice was back, unfeeling, uncaring, solder than anything in the world. But the embrace was so comforting, so gentle. Subaru wouldn't have thought it possible to feel such pain and such pleasure…or such a strange mixture of the two.
"Then I'm weak." He was so close to taking that next step, the one that would lead him from that embrace, that warm bed, the strange room and house and…healer. "If I have to be weak to want her back, then I don't care."
No reply, except for an abrupt end to their odd, half-hugging position as the man withdrew back to the other end of the bed. So that was it.
He missed her. He wanted to be with her. And soon, he would be. Why, then, Subaru thought to himself, should he worry about anything else?
Subaru was, naturally, quite unnerved to awake the next morning with the sunlight blinding him again. It was earlier than he'd arisen the previous morning, but still well after dawn.
Even more unnerving was the fact that his companion was just as awake, judging from the hint of a smile on his lips as Subaru glared at him. The man opened his eyes slowly, still smiling. "You're angry?"
"Yes!"
"I see," the man murmured. He rose slowly, leaving the room as Subaru stared at him.
Subaru followed him into the kitchen, waiting for some acknowledgement, some apology. Something. Anything.
Instead, the healer—and, gods, Subaru was about ready to kill him—drew out a long knife and went to work slicing a bit of bacon and cheese.
"What are you doing?" Subaru asked, anger invading his voice.
"Being as how we're awake, we may as well eat," the man said calmly.
That was it. "Why," Subaru whispered harshly, grabbing the man's arm, "why won't you just kill me, you stupid…healer!"
Before he could react, the man flipped the knife, leaving the deadly blade fearsomely close to Subaru's face. Instinctively, he flinched, taking a shaky step backwards, his breath caught in his throat.
The man drew the blade back. "And you still think you want to die?" he said evenly, his eyes locked to Subaru's. "You're trembling at the very whisper of death."
Subaru stood, eyes wide…and he really was trembling. Not a little, but large, quaking trembles that almost made his legs buckle beneath him.
"You don't have the eyes of a person seeking death." He tipped Subaru's face up, and Subaru's eyes were wet, wide with terror and confusion. "Even when you came here that first night, your eyes were still full of life." Gently, he pushed the boy away, but to Subaru's sensitive nerves, it felt violent. "Go back home. Find someone else to cry to about your precious sister."
"N-no…please…I can't…I won't go back." Subaru felt himself steady, and his voice grew strong again. "Nobody there…none of my family cared about her. About us. They never did."
A soft sigh, and Subaru was reminded again of a parent, stuck looking after a child. "Then go somewhere else." Subaru could almost here him add, 'This isn't a place for children.'
"I'm not a child," he said sullenly, before realizing that it only made him sound more childish.
"I'd rather not force you out."
"Then let me stay." What possessed him to say that, he didn't know. But the words were out, and he felt…something. Some faint glimmer of hope? Some lost desire? He didn't know. "I can…help."
"You've never worked in your life." That stung. At some point, the man had moved, gathering an egg or two from some drawer or cabinet—Subaru had not seen which—and the warm smell of food crept into his nose.
"But I can learn." Subaru added, a moment later, "If you let me."
"And why should I let you?"
It was so much harder to figure out the man's thoughts when they weren't face-to-face. Not that it was much help even when they looked at each other, since the man was so stoic. "I don't know," Subaru admitted, as much to himself as to the healer. "But I…don't have anyplace else to go." No sign, aside from a casual stirring of the eggs. "I want to stay here," he offered finally. "It's so peaceful…"
"Only because you haven't seen this place busy yet. When there are dozens of sick children screaming, people with limbs missing and blood soaking their beds, and—" The man finally looked up, casting a serious look at Subaru, "—bodies changing into corpses, you won't find this place too peaceful."
Subaru shuddered. "But…there will be some people who get better, too, right?"
"Most do."
"Then I'm not scared."
The man gathered up his breakfast and silently sat down. He motioned to the stove, and Subaru looked at the empty appliance in confusion. "If you're hungry," he said finally, "you can make yourself something."
Subaru's eyes lit up. That was as good as a 'yes.' He was hungry. He hadn't eaten since…he didn't even know when. Days, at least. Gingerly, he picked up one of the eggs, and tapped it against the empty bowl the man had used. It didn't break, so he cracked it a little harder and—
He might have cried in frustration. The fragile shell shattered, bits of it flying everywhere.
A small chuckle behind him was the only thing that kept him from flinching when a stronger hand suddenly covered his. "Like this," he said, an almost gentle note to his voice. His hand—their hands—picked up another egg, a new bowl. The healer guided his hands, gently tapping the shell, cracking it slightly. Subaru looked at him, confused. His fingers were gently pushed towards the crack, pulling the shell in half and letting the sweet insides slide out, mercifully free of shell.
"Thank you…." Subaru's voice faded off. He was embarrassed, certainly, but…the healer was such a good teacher. He blushed. He still didn't…
"You can call me Seishirou," the man said. "Seishrou Sakurazuka."
Subaru blushed brightly. "Y-yes."
"No, I apologize," the healer—no, Seishirou, Subaru corrected himself—said, "We never had a proper introduction. I had not realized until you…" He smiled, but it was an odd sort of smile. "You called me 'healer' earlier."
"Oh…um, Subaru." His voice was low. "Subaru…Sumeragi." The name reminded him of his family. He hated it.
Seishirou nodded once. "Now," he said softly, turning towards the stove, "this is how you cook it…"
Author's note: () Eheheh. I recall having said something about being a slow, writer, but… this is the exception. Geez, if the people waiting for my other stories get wind of this, they'll kill me.
Just a tiny note: the next part will really be disturbing.