"The Darkest Night" (Part 5)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: A chance reminder of Subaru's past leads him to demand that Seishirou fulfill their agreement, but he soon learns that everything wasn't as it seemed…
Disclaimer: Nope, these aren't my characters. I'm not as twisted as CLAMP.
Subaru Sumeragi found himself caught between Heaven and Hell.
It wasn't the scenario most people would envision.
Heaven was the darkest, coldest night, wrapped in the arms of a heartless murderer, treated as little more than a convenient bed partner, a faithful servant, a helpless child.
Hell was being constantly told how horrible his life was and how easy it would be to return to his family's life of privilege and being waited on hand and foot by mindless servants.
…and the line was growing more and more blurred…
His grandmother was ruthless. Every day, his cousins returned, full of more tales of life back at the Sumeragi household. Every day they whispered and insinuated and pointed out the most horrible aspects of his life—or at least the ones they could twist into seeming so.
And Seishirou did nothing to stop it. "Just ignore them," he'd said, when Subaru began to admit that they were running down his nerves. "They have no power over you." A gentle kiss swallowed up whatever other complaints he might have had.
But they did, and it terrified Subaru. He hated looking at his life through their eyes. And he could only reassure himself so many times before it began to sound pathetic.
The work he loved to do—belittled as slave work, as servants' tasks, as unnecessary and certainly beneath him. His simple dinners were tasteless and could be done far better by the head chef of the household. He was slow, uncouth, useless. Why did he stay?
When he took care of the sick patients, their words rang in his head. Why torment yourself by looking at these people, with their minds gone and their bodies decaying and their sicknesses that might make you every bit as helpless as they? Why not leave it to that man, who surely deserved such torments for his murderous heart?
And even in the nights, the warm and safe nights, he couldn't help but listen. Seishirou didn't love him, didn't care for him. He'd said it himself. He felt nothing for anyone…not even Subaru. And, somehow, Subaru found himself more and more annoyed, or angry, or terrified with the idea. It made him feel sick when he came back to his senses. He'd known, after all, what he was getting into. Warmth without anything else to back it up. Nights of embraces that promised nothing. Waking up to those cold, uncaring eyes, no different as they gazed upon him than as they gazed upon the next to die.
Day in, day out, every day they returned. Subaru was going mad, he knew it.
…but he wouldn't go back. He hated his home—if it even deserved such a name anymore—more with each passing day. But even this haven he'd found for himself was starting to blacken.
He dallied in the garden more often, sometimes making Seishirou angry by being late. It was the only place he felt peaceful, away from the voices, away from the duties, away from anything.
A night came, finally, when even Seishirou stayed away from him, claiming that he needed to stay with one of the patients. Subaru knew, quite well, that the patient had nothing more than a mere cold. But he spent the night alone and cold nonetheless. He chastised himself for being angry, but…the dark feeling was still there, like a rock in his stomach. Even Seishirou's warm embraces seemed to cool.
The final blow came one cool, almost-winter's day. A man and his wife had come. The woman was obviously in great pain—birthing pains. The doctor in the nearby town was ill, the desperate husband said. Even if it wasn't Seishirou's normal practice, couldn't he please do something for her?
Subaru tried to keep calm. He tried to follow everything Seishirou said. But when the woman's breaths began to weaken…when she began to grasp, desperately, for the too-quiet infant…when her eyes suddenly rolled back and she convulsed, one great heaving movement, before falling back, motionless…
He screamed.
He screamed and he ran, seeking the comfort of the silent trees. It was too much for him, too much like…
...too much like Hokuto…
He heard Seishirou calling him, but he didn't want to be found. Not with such blood on his hands. Hokuto's blood, he thought fuzzily. Hokuto, lying there, motionless. Hokuto's child hanging limply…
…Hokuto…dead.
So he moved away, deeper into the surrounding trees, dark and bare, making a silent condemnation with their dead branches. But their company was better than his memories. He closed his eyes, and it wasn't a stranger, gasping for air, clutching for her child, but Hokuto, who stared at him with accusing eyes.
'Forgotten' wasn't the word he was searching for. No, he'd never forgotten her death. But it faded…it gradually began appearing in his mind less and less often. He'd been so busy with Seishirou, so busy helping others, so busy being….
…happy…
He had forgotten her, and this was his punishment. To watch her die before his eyes, over and over again, and know he could have done something. It stung more now than ever. Now, when he'd saved so many with his own hands, he was forced to see the one person he'd have given anything to save…
He'd turned her away. Not the clan head, not the elders, him. If he hadn't been so stupidly angry, so furious at her, he might have used his power to bring her to safety. Her and the child. Even the man she'd run off with, if she wanted. If she…
…if he'd…
…if he'd just taken her back with open arms…
He frowned, and smiled, and wept.
…if he'd only…loved her enough to…
He didn't know when he finally went back to the house. Was it late? It was dark…
He heard his name, dimly. "Hokuto," he whispered. It was her voice, wasn't it? Her arms around him. She'd always been there for him, no matter how cruel he was to her…
"Subaru, you're freezing," Seishirou said. No, his voice wasn't like hers at all. But he kept listening. Such a pretty voice… "Subaru?"
He felt something wrapped around him. It felt rough against his aching skin, but warm. The soft scent of Seishirou clung to his jacket, far too large for Subaru's frame. "Hokuto?" he said again. More of a question, this time.
"She's dead, Subaru. You know that."
"…then why am I still here?" That dark question he'd forgotten, locked away in his heart. But something within him couldn't hold it back any longer.
The man said nothing, and, for some reason, it infuriated Subaru.
"You were supposed to kill me." It was almost an accusation, and Subaru didn't care. It was…just too much. "Why am I the only person you won't kill?"
"You don't want to die."
"Liar." Despair, anger—all of it hidden, but suddenly pouring out again. Subaru was finally tired of hiding it. "Liar! I'm sick of pretending. I don't want…" Subaru twisted away. "I don't want to feel like this anymore!"
Seishirou eyed him, arching an eyebrow in surprise. "You said you were…happy."
Subaru fell quiet. Even Seishirou said 'happy' with a sort of coldness and disbelief. Happiness…
"Now, what set this off, again?" Seishirou smiled like nothing was wrong. "Surely you're not that bothered by the poor woman and her child?" Subaru tensed. Seishirou nodded, as if he'd received an answer. "She's not dead, you know," he said, leaning down to Subaru's ear. "Not like your precious sister."
Seishirou managed to catch the fist that came flying at him. In another time, Subaru might have been proud of the fact that Seishirou's eyes went wide in surprise. But at the moment, he was too furious to even realize he'd thrown the punch. "Just kill me," he said, but it wasn't quite as demanding as he'd wanted. It might have sounded pathetic, but he didn't care.
"I will do no such thing," the man replied.
"Why?" Subaru hissed, refusing to meet Seishirou's eyes.
Seishirou forcefully grabbed Subaru's chin, forcing him up. "Because I don't…" He paused, just a moment. "…want to."
Subaru stopped struggling for a moment. His mouth opened, ever so slightly, in surprise at the tender remark. But he was already too lost in his anger to take note of the words. "You lied to me," he said, breaking free with a sudden burst of strength. When Seishirou made on move to grab him again, he backed up, slow steps, never taking his eyes from Seishirou's. "So you can feel something," Subaru said, accusing, threatening. "But only when you want to! Only when it benefits you!" The sound echoed in the room, dark and ominous.
"Yes," Seishirou said sharply. He took a step forward, Subaru took another step back. But his eyes were narrowed, and a shadow of anger flitted across his face. "In that regard, I'm no different than you."
"What!"
"'Kill me! Please kill me!'" Seishirou said, mocking, daring Subaru to deny his own black pleas. "No matter what happens….no matter what anyone does to stop you… It's always back to your wonderful sister," Seishirou almost snarled, "who's nothing but a rotting corpse!" A strange gleam lit up his eyes.
Subaru trembled. Without thinking, he turned, managing a few steps towards the kitchen before Seishirou caught him. "I'll do it myself," he hissed as Seishirou securely grabbed his arms. "You hear me? Then you'll never have to deal with me or my sister ever again!"
"When I said I didn't want to kill you," Seishirou hissed, pinning Subaru's hands painfully enough to produce a yelp, "it didn't mean anyone else could, either."
"I hate you," Subaru said, so cold, so soft—like the first snowflake of winter. "How could I be happy without her? How could I!" he yelled. The words tumbled out, without a thought. Everything he'd tried—tried so hard—to forget, to ignore, to…
Seishirou shoved him to the ground roughly. Subaru pushed himself up, looking back at the healer with tears shining in his eyes and a black expression on his face. Seishirou disappeared for a moment, returning with a very long, very sharp knife. "I don't care," was all he said, dropping the blade lifelessly at Subaru's feet.
He left. Subaru heard a door open, then close. He picked up the knife, his hands quivering. It was almost dreamlike, the hazy sense that seemed to cloud his judgment. The blade felt so cold against his skin. He drew the blade across his wrist, but only so softly. Subaru tried to push the blade deeper, but his hands wouldn't listen to him. It was going to hurt. It would hurt so much…
He was…terrified. Too terrified to use the force he needed to even break the skin.
"Coward," he whispered to himself. He closed his eyes, letting the silence wash over him. He saw Hokuto's body, limb, with dead eyes starting at him. And behind her…the shadow of a man, whispering curses to her.
Seishirou. He pushed her body away, filling Subaru's vision with himself. But Subaru could only cry her name, grapes desperately for her body in the darkness. Without her… He grabbed, but she was gone, dissolving, disappearing. And when he turned, even Seishirou was gone. He was alone.
Subaru's fingers tightened around the knife, and he pushed down. The blade dug into his skin, and he dropped the blade, stunned. He was bleeding—not badly, but enough to leave dark drops scattered on the floor. Even so, it was enough to break the black haze that had taken over his mind. Seishirou was still right, after all. He couldn't do it.
Trembling, Subaru pulled Seishirou's jacket close—the warm, comfortingly soft garment Seishirou had lovingly placed around his shoulders. A tender gesture that had been lost on Subaru in his madness. Subaru thought back. Seishirou had always been so gentle with him, whenever he'd been hurting. And what had he done? Pushed him away, trying to hold onto Hokuto. As if Seishirou meant nothing to him…
He couldn't keep them both in his heart like this. He couldn't forget Hokuto. But he didn't want to hurt Seishirou, if the man even could be hurt. Subaru had held onto the wish that, perhaps, he might be able to…to make Seishirou feel something for him, even when Subaru knew, above all things, how painful emotions were. But now…
Subaru stood up, the force making him dizzy, the thin red drops falling off his arm. He could only think of one thing.
He had to leave.
His hand slid to search the pockets. A few loose coins. Just enough to eat for a few days. After that…
After that, he'd find something. He'd do something. Anything. Surely someone would help him. Surely…something would change…
If not…
Subaru stuffed the knife into another of the large pockets, uncomfortably aware of the danger, the temptation it brought. He didn't bother to tie up the injury on his wrist, to take food or water, to even think about what he was doing. Just like before. It was madness, pure madness, and he didn't care.
Yes, madness to think he could undo his mistake by running away. The damage was already done. Seishirou…Hokuto…
…why did being happy always hurt the ones he cared about…?
The snow felt wonderful—numbing, embracing, soaking him from the core to the stem with nothingness. He'd forgotten…how wonderful it felt to feel nothing…
He passed through the garden. The cherry tree was there, just waiting to bloom in the spring. But Subaru wouldn't be there to see such beauty. Seishirou's beloved cherry blossoms… He kissed the trunk, rather foolishly, thinking of Seishirou in the rain of soft, pink blossoms, like some forest spirit straying into the human world.
Seishirou, who'd managed to replace Hokuto in his heart…even if only for a moment.
Subaru's wrist stung, and he shuddered at the thought of what he'd done. Stupid healer. He was always right. Subaru grabbed the knife and dropped it at the tree's base. "For you," he whispered, "I won't let anyone else kill me." Not much of a gift—but it was all he had left to give.
He looked back. The house was dark and quiet, just as he'd first seen it. He smiled. It hadn't been nearly as hard to leave the Sumeragi household, had it? But…if he stayed, it would only bring them both more pain. Pain that Seishirou didn't deserve.
Run away, just like the coward you are, he told himself. You don't deserve happiness.
Subaru had no clear destination in mind, though he knew to avoid the nearby towns, where he was well-known. He took the most remote roads, and traveled at night as much as he could. He rarely slept, preferring even the most dismal days to the nightmares plaguing his sleep. Making it worse was the fact that the nightmares were real. He dreamed of Hokuto's death, of Seishirou abandoning him, of waking up, cold and wet and alone—only to awake, often cold and wet, and always alone.
He was happily anonymous, just another nameless traveler.
Finally, he reached a town he deemed far enough away to enter. Someplace where no one would know him. Someplace where he could be miserable in peace.
Fortunately for him, Seishirou's coat had a large hood, more than sufficient enough to cover his face. He tugged the massive coat tightly to his small frame, relishing in the momentary warmth, the fleeting sense of comfort.
It was almost noon when he finally took note of the way his stomach was growling. The merchants looked at him strangely, but he ignored them. He was a stranger, a traveler, after all. Perhaps they had too few people wandering here…
The woman watched him anxiously, probably worried about thievery. She was watching Subaru so intently that she let out a yelp when another girl bounded up behind her. "Have you seen the young Lady?" the girl asked breathlessly, looking worried. "I swear, she was only out of my sight for a moment!"
"She hasn't been this way," the woman said, but she smiled at the girl gently. "But our little Lady often wanders. She'll probably turn up at mealtime, or come bounding over here to pick up the food she forgot."
"Still, I'm going to keep looking," the girl said, before racing down the other end of the street.
Subaru dropped a few coins down on the counter and left. He wasn't in the mood to listen. But the woman called after him. "Sir! Your change!" She ran up to him, heaving. A couple of pennies shined in her palm, and Subaru almost groaned.
"Keep them," he said crossly.
The woman shook her head. "The Lord here says we…"—she took another heaving breath—"…we have to be fair to travelers. And you paid too much."
"Fine," Subaru said, taking the few coins. He was surprised to find a piece of silver among the bronze. She was right.
"That there's enough to rent a room for the night, if you're interested. The inns here are very well-kept. The Lord says to keep them so," the woman said, hinting a little too obviously. "He checks them himself, when he's well. And they say he's very generous to travelers who are…down on their luck."
Subaru nodded stiffly. He wasn't planning on staying. Besides, any Lord would surely recognize him. The elites… Subaru almost smiled. He didn't even consider himself a part of that world anymore. Too many days of laboring over a hot stove, waking up at the crack of dawn, working far too roughly for his delicate body—all that, and he'd forgotten the luxurious life that he'd led once upon a time.
Subaru pushed back his hood. It was casting shadows in his eyes, making it hard to count back the coins. The woman made a small, startled noise. "Hey…" she whispered. "You look just like—"
"Thank you," Subaru said, rather rudely turning away. He didn't like the way she looked at him. It was…to close to recognition. Maybe he needed to keep traveling, after all. He started walking briskly, and pulled the hood back over his face.
Near the center of town, he saw the Lord's mansion. At least, he thought it was. It was far too large to be the home of anyone else, yet…it was far plainer than any mansion he'd ever seen. Constructed of plain stone, it seemed almost like an extension of the huts and homes surrounding it—a gigantic parent surrounded by children. There wasn't even a garden, just a few clinging vines creeping along the doorways.
Perhaps, Subaru thought with a touch of the elitist arrogance he'd always been surrounded by, this Lord was so kind to strangers because he didn't have enough money to care for his own people. He shook his head. What did he care about this town, this strange Lord…?
He stood, lost in his thoughts, when a scream rang out. Subaru moved, with soft steps, towards a darker corner. It was better not to get involved with…whatever crime of crisis was occurring. After all, a stranger, traveling all alone, would be a prime suspect.
It's none of your business, he told himself again and again.
At least, until a group of panicked servants began crying out for a healer.
Subaru groaned. He couldn't help himself. It's your fault, Seishirou, he thought to himself. No, Seishirou wouldn't take a step forward, like he was doing. No, Seishirou wouldn't draw attention to himself by calling out that he was a healer. Seishirou would walk on, heartless as always, unless the price was right. No, it wasn't really his fault. All he'd done was give Subaru the skills. It was Subaru's own kindness that made him step forward.
How foolish you are, he told himself as the servants hustled him inside, saying this and that about their master's ailment. Each brought new—and conflicting—information. One said he'd collapsed, another that he was in shock, a third that he never awoke. Subaru chuckled to himself. Just like parents with their children, he thought, remembering Seishirou's distaste for the bothersome patients.
But he couldn't deny the little thrill that raced through him at the thought of…helping someone, making them well again.
The room was dark, and he could hardly see the man lying on the bed. Another man—no, another healer, by the look of him—was already standing over him, looking very annoyed at the hustle and bustle of servants suddenly in the room.
"I told you," the man snapped rudely, "I can handle this. The Lord's simply had another fainting spell."
"That's what you said last time!" one of the servants yelled back. He looked at Subaru. "Please, Lord Healer, won't you look at our Master as well? Perhaps you can find what ails him."
"You'd trust this…this charlatan above me?" the other healer raged. He glared at Subaru as the younger man knelt down. Subaru gently took hold of the Lord's pale arm, checking his pulse. Normal. His skin wasn't horribly cold to the touch. It did seem, for all intents and purposes, that the man simply had a fainting spell of some sort. Seishirou would know, he thought, cursing his stupidity. He couldn't see anything wrong. How could he have thought that he could do anything alone?
Subaru pushed his hood back again, trying to get a better look, but the collective gasp of the servants stilled his hands. He looked back at them, only to be met with looks of shock and even outright horror. "What…?" he started to ask, when the arm he was holding started to move. He looked back, ignoring the questions in his mind.
He could see far better now. The young man—certainly not more than a year or two older or younger than himself—was strangely handsome, in a fragile sort of way. Almost like…
Subaru's heart stopped, skipping a beat or two. He…he recognized that hair—blonde and long, almost feminine. The thin, pale limbs. The sickly, fragile…
No…
"Ka…Kakyou!" he whispered. He took hold of the man's shoulders, shaking him almost too roughly. "Kakyou!"
"How dare you address the Lord Kuzuki like that!" the other healer hissed. He reached to grab Subaru's arm, but Kakyou's arm reached up, and, with surprising strength, pushed the man back.
Subaru stared down stupidly, green eyes meeting gold. "Kakyou…" he said again. Half of him was very, very tempted to reach out and crush the man's thin neck. But the other half of him simply stared. He knew that face…remembered it now, even after only a glimpse, so many years ago…
He was the one…!
Kakyou stared at him. His mouth opened, ever so slightly, but he shook his head. He smiled, just a little. "She always said you'd come back."
Subaru let out a strangled sort of sound—a gasp of surprise as he recognized that voice; or a horrible sob at the thought of Hokuto, his Hokuto, who always knew him better than anyone; perhaps an angry comment, choked back, a curse against the man who'd taken his Hokuto away from him.
All these emotions, stirred up and mixed together, rising up from whatever black part of his heart held them…
Subaru did the only thing he could. He hunched forward, burying his face, and simply sobbed. Sobbed in anger, in pain, in sadness, in relief.
It was too perfect, wasn't it? His most hated enemy…the very painful memories…all here, all right in front of him, living and breathing, the very symbol of everything he'd been trying to escape…!
A gentle hand smoothed over his hair. Dimly, he heard Kakyou talk again. "Out, please," he said softly, but seriously.
"Master…?" the bold servant replied.
"Leave us alone."
"But, Master…with a stranger…"
"Are you blind?" Kakyou whispered. "No, or you wouldn't be looking at him the way you are." Kakyou stroked Subaru's head, and Subaru's heart hissed at the comforting touch from the man he'd loathed for so long. "This is certainly no stranger. He's my brother. Your Lady's brother."
Subaru heard the murmurs, the soft footsteps. When silence reigned again, he mustered up his voice. "How dare you call me 'brother.'"
"I know you're angry—" Kakyou began, but Subaru cut him off.
"I hate you. I wish you were dead!" Subaru gulped again, trying to force back the hot tears. He stared up at the man—so fragile, so sickly, mocking him with his life when it should have been Hokuto there with him.
But Kakyou smiled, even laughing a little. "So do I," he said. "But that doesn't change the fact that…she's dead." He shook his head. "I loved her too, you know."
"How can you say that?" Subaru was trying to be angry, he truly was, but…it was just too much. He sank against the bed again, overwhelmed. Why had he been so stupid? Why did he stop in this place? Why was he lying here, helpless, when he finally had the chance to do something, anything, against the man he'd hated for so long? Why…how… He wanted to just sink down into the floor and melt away.
Such overwhelming despair…something he hadn't felt in such a long time….
And, suddenly, he wasn't reminded of Hokuto. No, Hokuto had never…never held him the way he ached to be held at that moment. She hadn't…she hadn't had that sense, that simple knowing. No, that was…
"Seishirou," he whimpered finally. A child without his parent. That same weakness…cowardly, cold weakness…
"It's alright." This was more like his sister—the soft words, the comforting touch. It stung. This was almost like…having her with him again.
But it was nothing like Seishirou.
Subaru realized with a sickening feeling in his chest, it was Seishirou he wanted in that moment, not Hokuto.
"Why are you still here?" he whispered, but he was truly asking, why am I still here? Why….
Kakyou stilled for a moment. "I tried to die, once," he said simply. "I plunged a knife into my chest." He mimicked the motion, as if to repeat the act, his hands pressing up against his chest until his eyes widened in pain. "And even now, the wound hasn't healed. The pain is unbearable, sometimes. The pain and the grief and…" His voice trailed off.
Subaru watched, enraptured. Perhaps it wasn't Hokuto he saw, lingering in those soft touches. Perhaps it was…himself…
His eyes widened in realization as he watched. He didn't need to hear—he could feel the agony, even as Kakyou fumbled for the words. It was the same pain he held within himself.
Maybe…maybe this man wasn't his enemy. Maybe, he thought, with a sudden, almost physical shock. Maybe, he was…
…the only person who could ever understand his pain…
"I know," he said, the words sliding out with a thought. And who knew which man was more startled when he suddenly embraced Kakyou? "I know!" It was so simple, so stupidly simple! "You…you miss her too," he said, and that was all it took. "You want her back too…"
…just to know…
…they felt the same pain…
He pulled away. "But why…." He said. "Why didn't you die?" He'd had Seishirou, but what had stopped Kakyou?
Kakyou smiled—a truly happy smile. He opened his mouth to speak.
A clatter in the hallway caught Subaru's attention. Footsteps—rapid footsteps. The door flew open, and a little red blur suddenly jumped on the bed. "Papa! Papa!" the little red ball of energy squealed.
Subaru's mouth almost dropped. Hokuto….a little, tiny Hokuto, looking just the way he remembered her in his oldest memories. The truth was so simple, but he couldn't see it.
The child…Hokuto's' child…wasn't dead after all.
"Papa, they said you were sick again," the child said. She shook her finger at her father. "I told you not to keep getting sick!"
That short, dark hair…the energy of her voice… Subaru watched her in awe.
"I'm sorry, Kyouto," Kakyou said, a teasing smile on his face, all the pain forgotten. "I didn't mean to make you worry."
She giggled. "Silly Papa." Kyouto—and it was surely Hokuto who'd come up with the name—leaned up and threw her tiny arms around Kakyou's neck. He kissed her on the forehead, a perfect gesture of fatherly love.
Subaru was watching so intently that he almost jerked back when the girl's gold eyes—Kakyou's eyes, on Hokuto's face—looked at him curiously. They stared at each other silently. "You're a boy," Kyouto said finally.
Subaru blinked. "Yes," he said uncertainly. "I'm…certainly a boy."
"But you look like Mama," Kyouto continued thoughtfully, her eyes peeking over the bed to look at Subaru's feet. She brought her eyes back up to his feet. "A…boy Mama?"
Subaru blushed. He was as embarrassed by this girl's gaze as he was by Seishirou's, though for an entirely different reason.
"Kyouto," Kakyou said. "This is Mama's brother."
She looked at him owlishly again. "Mama's brother!" she repeated enthusiastically, and promptly hugged Subaru. The force made them both lean back, and Subaru instinctively grabbed forward, holding the tiny girl to keep her from falling off the bed.
He was…holding her. This…this little Hokuto…
"Wah! You're squishing me!" Kyouto yelled. Subaru relaxed his grip, and she giggled again. She squirmed around, her feet touching the bed again. "Papa, may I go play? Please?"
"Yes, you may, Kyouto. But make sure you tell the servants where you're going. They get worried, otherwise."
"Okay!" She smiled brightly. "Bye Papa! Bye Mama's brother!" As quickly as she'd come in, she raced out of the room.
Kakyou smiled after her. "I have things to explain," he said. "You wanted to know why I didn't die?"
"Because of her," Subaru whispered. "She's…alive…"
Kakyou nodded. "It was my idea to say she died. Hokuto said…she said you would never come after her, that once you were clan head, you would never take her. But I…." He looked away. "How was I to know?"
"But I…" Subaru's eyes went wide. He grabbed Kakyou's hand. "Don't ever let them know! I've refused the headship. And if Grandmother ever learned that….that there was still a way to keep the line unbroken, she might…." His voice fell low. "What have I done?" he whispered. "If they come searching for me, and they find her….!"
"Calm down." Kakyou's voice was comforting. "Don't you think this has happened before? Don't you think they came to see if the rumor was true? I can protect my child." There was something fierce in his voice, something Subaru would never have expected from the gentle man. "She's my entire life. She saved me from dying when she was…just a tiny babe." Those golden eyes were distant. "The blade didn't strike deep enough, and I awoke, in such pain you….you can't imagine." A weary smile. "And the midwife, that old matron who's watched over my own birth, placed this little, wriggling bundle into my arms. I saw my daughter for the first time. I knew…I knew…that no matter how much it hurt, I had to heal, I had to stay alive. For her. For my Hokuto's child."
Jealously coursed through Subaru's veins. Here…here was what his life should have been. Purpose. Meaning. Something to keep him from…
"I think…I know what you mean," Subaru said hesitantly. "I…there is someone who…doesn't want me to die." Saying it out loud made it stronger. "There's someone who…makes me want to stay alive."
"Then why are you here?" Kakyou asked gently. "If I may ask."
"He doesn't care about me any more. I've hurt him too much."
"That can't be true." Subaru could see why Hokuto…why she loved him. He was so gentle, so comforting, just like she was. His quiet strength would have been perfect with her enthusiasm, her energy.
"He said so." Subaru didn't realize how foolish he sounded until the words were out of his mouth. "He was so angry at me…because I can't be happy. Not with her dead." He buried his face in his arms. "No matter how happy I think I am, the moment I think of her, I…feel so ashamed. How can I be happy without her?"
"I am happy."
Subaru looked up. He couldn't say anything.
Kakyou saw his struggle. "Why don't you stay here a few days? Let Kyouto get to know her uncle." He paused. "We…we can go to her grave, if you want. You can see how she lived here."
Subaru nodded. Maybe…if he could see how Kakyou could be happy, he could….he could be happy too.
Author's note: Ummm…that went a little too long.
I'll spare you the usual 'oh, how this sucks terribly' rant. I'm positive now—one last chapter and an epilogue.
So…yeah. Subaru and Kakyou. Oh, and Kyouto, of course. Envision Utako from CLAMP's Man of Many Faces for her.
Bleaugh, I have absolutely nothing to say. Expect the last chapter to take about as long as this chapter to complete, being as how I have summer school and lack of computer access now. Yuck.