"The Darkest Night" (Part 6)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: Subaru, after a stay with Kakyou and Kyouto, finds the truth he's been seeking.
Disclaimer: Sorry, but CLAMP would never have an actual ending like this. So I still don't own these lovely characters—except Kyouto-chan. She's all mine. Cuddle, cuddle.
If it was possible, Subaru had managed to fall in love again.
His darling niece, a tiny, energetic little girl of about five, had earned his eternal adoration. She was so very like Hokuto, but it was easy to see the traces of Kakyou's personality in her, too. Her clothing was decidedly less frilly than Hokuto's had been, but the bright colors were still there. And she always put together her own outfits, matching this cloak with those shoes, or this ribbon with those jewels.
Kakyou spoiled her. And Subaru, had he the means, would certainly have spoiled her more.
It was hard to look at her and not imagine the clothes Hokuto had worn. And, certainly, it wouldn't be so hard to change that. No one had dared to touch Hokuto's things after she left. Surely, if he just went to her room, all of her old dresses would be there, waiting to be placed on her daughter's small frame.
…but…
Subaru admitted it to himself, and himself alone. He was scared. Scared to look no her things, to remember all those happy little things he'd never know again. Every piece of material held something for him—a memory of celebration, of long, candle-lit nights of talented needlework, of joyful moments of surprise as he first laid eyes on his sister's newest creation.
More so…he was scared to look his grandmother in the eye and tell her, to her face, that he was indeed leaving the family, breaking their unbroken line, refusing the task that he and Hokuto had tried so hard to become worthy of. At least…he thought they'd both been working for it. Hadn't their entire lives been dedicated to their duties?
Subaru's head ached. He knew he'd only wanted to be clan head, and so had she. Yet…they'd both found such happiness elsewhere…
How…?
How could they just give up their entire lives?
Subaru laid his head in his hands. It ached to think about it. It ached…
He turned his thoughts. He'd gone with Kyouto to the market the day before. She was quite used to the task of gathering food for dinner, and knew every merchant in the market.
He'd balked a little at the stares, the whispers, until Kyouto grabbed his hand and said, in a loud whisper, "It's just because you look like Mama. They haven't seen Mama for a long time." She smiled brightly. "And you look like me, too!"
Subaru had a sudden image of Kyouto and himself, in matching outfits, as she pulled him around the marketplace. He made a mental note never to let her see the clothes Hokuto had made for him.
Word passed around quickly about the traveling healer who was the Lady Hokuto's brother, and it seemed that the market became very crowded suddenly. Everyone seemed to want to see him, many stunned at how very much like his sister he was. Subaru took it all as well as he could. Even as a child, everyone had always commented on how alike the siblings were. He was proud, certainly, especially when one of the matrons, nearly blind, let out a cry of joy at "being able to see the Lady again." But it also annoyed him—least of all because of all the comments that declared him "pretty" and "beautiful."
It felt so…fake. Because, after all, none of them cared about him. No…they'd loved Hokuto, and thought she'd come back to them.
Kyouto squeezed his hand. "We need to finish shopping!" she said, effectively thinning the crowd. "What do like to eat, Uncle Subaru?"
Subaru felt better as the crowd dissipated. He was never good at dealing with many people. "Well, I know a very delicious cake I could make," he said, a hint of a tease in his voice.
Kyouto put her hands on her hips. "But cake is for after dinner," she said seriously. Then she leaned forward, and Subaru leaned down to hear her whisper in his ear, "Is it a really good cake?"
"Yes," Subaru whispered.
Kyouto looked conflicted. "Okay," she said finally, "but only if we eat something else, too." She made a face. "Something that we're suppose to eat, like vegetables."
Subaru looked at her thoughtfully, exaggerating just a bit. "Well, I do know a nice stew you could put vegetables in." He smiled. "As few or as many as you want."
"Really!"
Subaru nodded. "Of course. Seishirou doesn't really like…." He trailed off. "He didn't like vegetables, either."
Kyouto looked up at him, worried by the sudden change of his expression. "Who's…Sei…seihi…"
"Seishirou," Subaru said gently. "He's…the healer I used to live with. He taught me how to cook." A flicker of a smile, remembering those lessons.
"But why are you sad?"
"We had a…fight," Subaru said, looking for the right words for the small girl. "And we said some very mean things to each other. Things we…we didn't mean." He paused. Almost to himself, he said, "Things I hope we didn't mean."
"Then say you're sorry," Kyouto said softly. "Papa says that when you get mad, you should always say you're sorry."
"I know." Subaru had the impulse to hug the little girl, an echo of his true desire—to be held by someone, cradled by their strength, comforted gently. "But not now. Not yet."
Kyouto nodded solemnly. "Okay."
She took his hand, as if he were the child, and they went to the task of gathering the ingredients—even the hated vegetables—for their dinner.
At least he could say he'd tried.
Subaru had, unsuccessfully, tried to start showing Kyouto how to cook. She managed to break and egg or two, and Subaru relished the closeness they had in that moment, her tiny fingers grasping the fragile egg like some treasure. He was teaching hers, showing her with his own hands. It was…so amazing, to watch her copy his every move, so meticulous, so careful, so gentle.
But when Kyouto heard that one of her friends was visiting, she quickly sped off, more interested by the thought of dolls and make-believe than the gritty, hot kitchen. Subaru sighed. Maybe she was too young, after all. And she probably didn't need to see the rather nasty mess of uncooked meats and other unsavory items that would, soon, become a delicious meal.
It was hours later when she returned, lured in by the sweet smells of food. She waved her hands vigorously until she caught Subaru's attention, than smiled at him, almost shyly. "Look!" she said, and thrust out a small rag-doll at him.
Subaru picked up the doll, examining it. It had two green button-eyes, bits of black yarn for hair—though the yarn had been undone at the top, and instead of long, braid-like looks, the doll had a short, spiky sort of hair. She wore a red dress with little pieces of lace and glittery strips of some other cloth.
It…looked kind of like…
"Do you like it? Do you like it?" Kyouto bounced around. "My friend showed me how to make it!" She looked down at her shoes. "It's a…a Mama doll."
Subaru smiled. "It looks just like her," he said gently.
"Really!" Kyouto smiled brightly. "My friend sewed it up for me, but I picked all the pieces. I had to look for a long time to find green buttons like Mama's eyes." She wriggled again and looked away. "And your eyes. They're...really pretty, Uncle Subaru."
"So are yours," Subaru said. He adored her, he truly did. He fingered the doll lightly. So this was how she remembered—no, this was how she'd some to know her mother. Fancy clothes, green eyes, short, wild hair…a picture, a still image, but still full of energy, somehow.
For the first time, Subaru wished for Hokuto's life, but not for himself. Not because he loved, he missed her, he wanted her love again. No…
He wished, with all his heart, that Kyouto had her mother, that she could see how alike they were. It was such a comfort to know that there was someone, somewhere, just like you, able to understand you. That was why he missed her so.
He wished Kakyou could have his beloved back, and the thought didn't disgust him, didn't make him flinch. If Subaru felt even a glimpse of the pain Kakyou did… He shuddered at the thought of Seishirou dying. Even when he'd "hated" the man, even when he'd been furious beyond words, even when he'd wanted to die, he'd never, never even thought of Seishirou dying. And now that he did, it made his stomach churn, tie itself into knots.
Everything would be perfect if Hokuto were here. Everyone would be happy. So why did she have to die! Why…?
"Uncle…?" Kyouto looked up at him with worried eyes. "Are you crying, Uncle Subaru?"
Subaru dabbed at his eyes, which were, he discovered, moist. "No," he lied, trying to smile. "It's just…so hot in here my eyes hurt." He didn't notice how his hand tightened around the doll until Kyouto shrieked in alarm. He looked down, ashamed. The seams had popped open, the stuffed insides squeezed out, leaving the little doll limp in his hand. Limp…
"I'm…so sorry," he whispered, almost gasping the words. "I didn't mean to…"
Kyouto tried to pry the poor doll out of his fingers, and it took him a moment to notice and loosen his fingers. "It's okay," she said, even though she looked far from okay herself. "I can fix it…" She cradled the doll, making sure no more of its stuffing could escape.
Subaru leaned down to hug her. "I'm so sorry," he said again. "I…I was just thinking…" There was no harm in the truth, was there? "…about how much I wish I could see your Mama right now."
"I wanna see Mama, too," Kyouto said, very close to his ear. "That's why I made her."
Subaru blinked, momentarily confused. Oh, he understood, suddenly. The doll. He winced. He'd…practically destroyed the poor thing.
"I'll make another one."
Subaru jerked back, startled. Had he damaged it so badly? "I thought you could fix it?"
Kyouto smiled at him and shook her head. "Not for me, for you!" she said. "So you can see Mama whenever you want to, just like me!"
Subaru's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't speak.
Kyouto leaned up and kissed his cheek. "It won't take long, I promise!" she said, bouncing out of the kitchen. Subaru watched after her, stunned.
He hadn't had a chance to thank her.
It started snowing the next day. A light sort of snow—the kind that romantics loved to write about in their poems.
The kind of day…for remembering things…
As the snow started to fall lightly, Kakyou came looking for him. Kyouto was with him. Kakyou still used his wheelchair, though he was no longer bound to it as he had been when they'd first met. Kyouto was walking next to his chair, looking almost somber.
She smiled when she saw Subaru and thrust out the doll. "For you," she said.
"Already?" Subaru said, surprised.
Kyouto shook her head. "I fixed her up already. You're sad right now." Her smile faltered a little. "And Papa said you're…you're going to go see Mama today. I always take her with me to see Mama. So you should, too."
"Are you sure?"
"Mmm-hmmm. She likes you, Uncle Subaru."
"Thank you." Subaru took the doll in his hands and gave it a kiss. Kyouto giggled. Subaru leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek, too.
"Subaru," Kakyou said, catching both of their attentions. "You'll need your coat. Kyouto, can you go fetch it for him?"
Kyouto nodded and ran off to find the garment.
"She adores you," Kakyou said fondly as he watched her leave. "She's been so happy since you came here." He smiled self-depreciatingly. "I think…it's hard on her, never knowing Hokuto. Never seeing a face that looks like her own. Never…having a mother."
"She still has you."
"But I am only me." He looked away, an almost palpable weariness seeming to take him over. "I…I wonder if that's enough for her."
"Of course it is." Subaru leaned over, meeting Kakyou's dark eyes. "Don't ever doubt that." Overcome by a sudden urge, he leaned forward and hugged the man, his hands brushing over long strands of hair.
Kakyou surrendered to the embrace, just for a moment before gently pushing Subaru away. "You're too much like Hokuto," he said softly.
"Oh," Subaru said, and he blushed slightly. "Sorry. I just…"
Kakyou smiled again. "That's just what she'd say, too."
Subaru blushed even redder, but he nodded. "Does it bother you?"
"In a way, yes." Kakyou's eyes narrowed. "I know you're not her, and yet…" He stared silently at the floor for a moment. "Forgive me. I'm being rude. You can't help your appearance, or your manner…"
"And you can't help seeing her in me. It's alright, Kakyou." Subaru leaned forward again, almost, but not quite touching Kakyou's hands. "Don't…don't forget her. Even if you see her every time you look at me." He gave a tiny, almost devilish smile. "You wouldn't be the first, you know."
Kakyou chuckled, despite himself. "I'll never forget her," he said seriously. "I don't think either of us will."
Hokuto's grave was…so simple.
She would have complained 'til the end of the world if she'd known that hers would be a simple stone, buried on a simple piece of land, decorated with simple arrangements of flowers and other little decorations.
There wasn't even a holiday theme or a trace of glitter to be found.
Subaru took a deep breath and knelt down, forgetting that the snow was not only cold, but wet. There was something…something stirring within him that he couldn't explain. Here she was, flesh and bone, buried in the cold earth.
His memories seemed to shatter. He couldn't see her face. He couldn't hear her voice. He couldn't…he couldn't…
Kakyou gently touched his shoulder, a silent comfort.
"Leave me alone," Subaru said. "Please." He listened as Kakyou's footsteps faded away.
So this…this was it. This was truly the end. This was Hokuto, dead and gone and…
"I miss you," he whispered. It was a small comfort, to imagine she heard his voice, that she might whisper back, somehow. "I'm so ashamed. I'd forgotten you so easily…"
He started to sniffle. Seishirou would laugh if he could see him now. How stupid he was, getting all worked up over nothing! But it wasn't stupid, not to Subaru. Once Seishirou saw that, he'd pull the boy close and hold him tight, offering his own sort of comfort…
Subaru opened his eyes. A light breeze blew past him, tickling his hair. He felt disgusted with himself. Even here, at his sister's grave, he couldn't help but think of Seishirou! Why…?
"Hokuto…Sister…" he whispered again. "I miss you so much, but…it's not the same anymore. I want to die, but I want to live, too. I can't…I can't decide…" He stared at the gravestone, as if expecting an answer. "I know you wouldn't want me to…to take my life…but it hurts so much I can't stand it." He was crying, but the tears were hot and slid down his freezing cheeks like the first melting snows of spring.
He started again. "And Seishirou… I want to be with him. I want him so much. But he doesn't care about me. He can't care." He wiped his eyes. "I can't be with you and I can't be with him and I…." His breath was ragged, his throat aching from the icy air he was breathing. "I want to be with someone. I don't want to be alone." He reached out, his numb fingers just touching the stone. "I want to be happy, like we were. But how can I be happy without you?"
He fell silent, his throat hurting too much to go on. He shivered, his legs almost buckling under him. Seishirou's coat clung to him like a second skin, and he was grateful for the warmth.
It began to snow again. Such a beautiful season… "We used to love the snow, didn't we, Hokuto?" he said, perhaps only in his mind. "We watched the snowflakes fall from the mansion, snuggled up next to the fire." He scooped up a bit of the snow, savoring the feeling. "You know, I taught Seishirou how to watch the snow fall last winter. He complained at first, but I thought I saw him smile, at least once." The snow dropped back to the ground. It was almost like he was talking to her again, and the thought made him feel better.
"I wonder what you'd think of Seishirou," he said thoughtfully. The words just tumbled out of his mouth now. "You wouldn't have liked him at first. He's too mean. But I think you'd start to see him the way I do, eventually. I think you'd like him."
The wind blew again. Every time Subaru shrank back into the soft folds of the coat, he felt as if he were running away. Running back into Seishirou's arms. Yet, in some ways, it wasn't all that different from running into Hokuto's arms.
"I was so mad at you when you left me, Hokuto. I wanted to die. I thought he would kill me." If he listened, he could almost hear her gasp from deep in his memories. He could almost hear her chastise him. "I know, I know," he said, as if replying. "I promise I'll never do anything so stupid again…" His eyes went wide and he smiled sadly. "I already made that promise to him…"
He shook his head. "Of course, I never would have even thought of such a thing if you hadn't left me." He realized his words and hastily amended them. "I'm not blaming you, Hokuto. It's just that…I've seen so much, and done so many things you'd…you'd never have approved of. I've killed people, Hokuto. With my own hands. And I…I was happy to do it."
His hands were trembling. "I've changed so much since I last saw you. I felt more pain then I ever thought I could. But…" He trailed off. I ached to even think the words. "I'm so guilty, so full of sins. I've deserved this pain. It was my fault. I turned you away. I…" Subaru let out a weak sob. "I…I hated you, Hokuto. I hated you for leaving me. I hated you for being happy without me. I wanted you for having everything we always wanted to have. You had your prince, and your freedom, and your beautiful child….just like the fairy tales we used to read. And I…" His voice broke. "I had nothing! I was all alone, without even you to give me hope. I hated you, and I was so happy to drive you away…"
He slumped forward, his fingers ghosting across the stone, across her name, set there forever. "But I didn't want you to die!" Subaru slammed his fist into the ground, fortunately hitting the snow instead. "I didn't want that, Hokuto. Didn't you know that? Why couldn't you hold on? You were so much stronger than me, and you couldn't…you couldn't have stayed here with us? With your own daughter? With your husband?" He took a deep, heaving breath. "Even if you hated me, couldn't you have stayed for them?"
Subaru sank down into the snow. "I should just die here," he muttered. "But I made that…stupid promise." His anger had finally fizzled out, leaving him feeling empty and weak. "Hokuto…if you hadn't left, none of this would have happened." He weakly snuggled into the coat's embrace. "None of this…" He tugged absently at the folds of the coat. "…would have…" His hand brushed over a soft lump in one of the pockets, and he pulled out the doll Kyouto had given him.
Something connected in his mind. "…happened?" he finished, his mind trying to catch up with the strange illumination that suddenly seemed to fill his vision. "If you hadn't left, we…we'd still be back in the Sumeragi house. We'd probably be clan heads by now." Somehow, the thought didn't fill him with much joy. "Grandmother would probably be arranging our fiancées by now. She was so angry at you for running off with a low-born lord like Kakyou…and she's still fuming about me and Seishirou…" He chuckled. "Still, at least you gave her a child. Kyouto's eyes are so pretty, and I have Kakyou to thank for that."
That was it. "Kyouto…wouldn't be here, though, would she? If you hadn't…with Kakyou…" He gasped. "And Seishirou…I wouldn't have met Seishirou, would I?"
Time stopped, turning an instant into a lifetime.
He would never have met Seishirou…that arrogant, cruel man…that man who saved so many lives, and ended as many…that man who felt nothing.
That man who…broke through the coldness and made him feel warmth again…
"I lost you…to gain him. Not exactly a fair trade." Subaru managed a weak smile. He could see her smile at him, hear her laugh. "But then again…you lost me to gain them. So I guess we're even, aren't we?"
Something glittered on the stone. Subaru leaned forward, wiping off the snow that had settled. There was some sort of plate underneath the inscription. With numb fingers, he pried it open.
Hokuto's smiling face shined back at him, exactly as he remembered her, captured in a picture forever.
Subaru could hear her warm laughter on the wind. "I guess I know what I have to do, then." He kissed the picture. "Bye Sis," he said, as if they'd never been apart. "I'll miss you."
Subaru no longer felt the cold. Home. He was going home, and the thought thrilled him more than he'd have ever admitted before. Seishirou was going to be mad at him. He'd have to fight off his family every day. And…he was going to have to accept that Hokuto was truly gone from his life.
But…it would be the life he'd chosen, with the man he loved, doing the work he wanted to do. It would be his happiness.
He startled Kakyou by enthusiastically embracing him. "I'm going home," he said, meeting Kakyou's shocked eyes. "Tell Kyouto…" A flash of inspiration hit him. "Tell her I'm going to say I'm sorry."
Kakyou stared at him, looking rather unnerved.
Subaru noticed. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I don't mean to…"
"I've never seen you smile."
"What?" Subaru blinked.
"Hokuto always smiled and made everything brighter. But you…you've always seemed so sad, so distant." Kakyou shook his head. "I just realized that I've never…seen you smile."
There was still some last shadow of guilt in Subaru's heart. "Do you think," he asked, seriousness creeping through, "she'd want us to be happy without her?"
Kakyou sighed. "What a foolish question. Of course she would." He looked Subaru right in the eyes. "You don't need me to tell you that."
"No…but it's good to hear. After all, you knew her better than anyone."
"Perhaps." Kakyou motioned towards the snow. "Shouldn't you go before it starts snowing harder?"
"Oh, yes…" Subaru blushed. "Yes, I should get going."
"Subaru…?"
"Yes?"
"Don't make Kyouto wait too long for a visit." Back to that teasing sort of mood. It suited him better, Subaru thought, than the dark sadness he'd seen when they met.
"Of course not!" Kakyou probably thought the same thing about him. And Seishirou…how would he react, Subaru wondered.
Oh, well. There would be plenty of time to think about that when he got back.
…back home…
…back where he belonged…
Author's note: Okay, so I didn't quite get to Seishirou in this chapter. I didn't think anyone would mind if I played with Kyouto-chan a little longer. ;)
That ending scene came out differently than I thought. Originally I had Kakyou playing an integral part in Subaru's final realization. It was supposed to have been that line, "Do you think she'd want us to be happy without her," that clinched it.
Oh well. I think I like this better. The talking-to-Hokuto bit was actually supposed to be in the next part, but I think I have something else in mind…