Chapter 3
I cannot smile.
The Jedi knew nothing of my heritage and my friends, the Solos, have learned to accept me as I am. They have learned that I am resourceful, strong and competent. They have learned I do not rely on the Force for something I can do without it.
But they do not know my fears; they do not know I fear to fail as a Princess. I fear to fail as a ruler; I fear I will never find love as my parents have. I fear to fail as a Jedi and fall beyond reach...
And yet, I also have no fear.
I have been training with the Jedi for many months now. Training with Jacen Solo, a friend who has begun to become more than this. Yet... my arrogance has come between us on several occasions.
I have returned to Hapes once due to a training accident which was my own fault. I lost a limb – the lower half of my left arm – to a lightsaber training accident.
Jacen was my partner.
My arrogance could have cost me his respect and his friendship.
But it has not.
I do not understand why. My injury and his part in the role, should have pushed him from me for good. My arrogance should have indicated I was not a suitable candidate for Jedi training.
And yet... Jacen has become a closer friend because of that accident and I was asked to return to the academy to continue my training.
My flaws were used as a lesson; arrogance and speed solve nothing.
Jacen is peculiar, I feel strange around him. Complete. Almost as if he is supposed to be so opposite to my strengths to compliments them.
I am strong, but he is not weak. He supports that strength when I do not believe I can win.
I am humorless, and he tries to make me laugh. I find him funny, but I cannot smile.
To smile is to admit weakness, to admit defeat. I cannot do this.
He has seen me cry, seen me at my weakest, and held me up. He has supported me and not let me fall.
How curious.
And... he has seen me smile; he has made me smile.
I am shamed.
I have failed in the teachings of my mother's mother. I have failed to keep him emotionally distant, away from my inner thoughts and feelings.
I have allowed him power over me. I have allowed him control.
And yet... is that such a bad thing? I have shared myself with him, who I truly am, and he has not run. Instead, he has come closer.
And today... Today I received a gift from him that cannot compare to all of Galinore's gems; a Gort eggshell necklace.
More precious than a precious gem, its value is incalculable.
Not because of its monetary worth, but because it came from him.
Jacen Solo; the boy, young man I have grown to love.
For him, I will smile.