"The Darkest Night" (Part 7)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: Subaru returns home, only to realize that Seishirou wasn't as uncaring as he thought.
Disclaimer: I have a much cooler disclaimer for the next chapter, so ignore this one.
This wasn't what Subaru had in mind.
Happiness gave way to confusion, and confusion to downright panic.
Emptiness, darkness, coldness. No lights—that didn't mean anything. There was still enough sunlight to see things clearly. No noise—that had happened before. There were slower days, or days when all the patients were older, quieter, less prone to random cries and tantrums.
But even those small excuses fell silent when he beheld, for the first time, that there simply were no people anywhere.
No patients, no parents, no beggars, no desperate death-seekers—and no healer, either. It scared him in a way he hadn't felt since…since he'd first walked into Hokuto's room after she left. That finality, that dark, deep sense that she was gone.
Subaru found the hospital locked. He first wandered to the back door, slightly surprised to find it locked. It was rare, but it had happened before, when someone was contagious. Had that happened again? He went to the main doors and stood there, stunned. Locked, yes, but it wasn't that. The door was sealed up with the mark of the Sumeragi clan—a mark that, Subaru knew all too well, meant that something had happened to cause the clan to intervene. Something had made them—and not Seishirou—close up the place.
It made him feel violated, seeing that damned mark on the door to his home, to the hospital that was Seishirou's, and Seishirou's alone. His home, blackened with that mark. Seishirou's home. Their home…!
The house was open, by fortune, and he walked in, looking around almost desperately to try and understand. The house looked as though nothing had been touched in days. Dirt on the floors, plates in the wash, and no sign of life anywhere.
It must have been some sort of emergency, something horrible, Subaru told himself. An epidemic, or something. Something to make everyone abandon…abandon their home like this.
Maybe someone would come back…?
His hopes went up when he found fresh food in the kitchen. Someone had to be here, and, he realized happily, it had to be Seishirou. He'd never let some stranger into the house. Subaru set himself to the task of cooking for two with an enthusiasm he hadn't felt in years. He'd always enjoyed the work, but…the self-consciousness of that joy had escaped him, day by day, until he took it for granted. The work made him feel better, drawing his mind from the dark thoughts and questions filling it. It was so easy to lose himself in the tiny details, letting his mind wander back to days upon days when he'd stood there, doing exactly the same thing, as if he'd never stopped.
He'd always been like that, he supposed—always immersing himself in work to take his mind off the things he didn't want to think about. His grandmother had been happy with his "dedication," never realizing that he wasn't listening to the words he was reciting, or the exercises her was repeating. Only Hokuto had ever seen the blankness in his eyes, the silent wish to be taken someplace far, far away, where there was nothing to make him ache so much.
Subaru heard a noise. Someone was coming. Subaru drew himself back, against the wall. He was sure only Seishirou would be here, but those footsteps—unsteady, heavy footsteps—didn't sound like the healer.
He muffled a gasp when the figure came into view. The man stood stiffly, leaning on one leg, than the other, as if neither could support his weight. His clothes hung on him far too loosely, giving him a haggard, worn look. Subaru watched the poor creature turn this way and that, his head bowed, so utterly…utterly lost. Perhaps there were still patients here…?
He opened his mouth, but the question died on his lips. The man had turned towards him, his profile darkened by the lack of light, but obviously looking towards him. He didn't move for the longest time. The man was staring at him, Subaru realized uncomfortably. He took a deep breath, struggling to meet the man's eye.
And then it was over. The man started his slow, almost limping steps again, as if he hadn't seen anything at all. Subaru stared for a moment. "Wait…" he mumbled, taking a clumsy step forward. He grabbed the man's sleeve, trying to catch his attention, and stopped, utterly and completely stunned, as the man shifted enough to give Subaru a clear look at his face.
…Seishirou…?
"You're not supposed to be here."
It was Seishirou—the voice alone told him that—but he looked…so strange. Dark lines marred his eyes, and he stared, blankly, at Subaru for a moment before looking away.
"What are you doing here?" he said, simple and flat.
"This is my home," Subaru said softly. Something told him to choose his words carefully. He could feel…something wrong. "Where else am I supposed to go?" He smiled, trying to lighten the mood. "Where else would I want to be?"
"You don't belong here." Seishirou waved his hand dismissively. His voice was soft, so terribly soft.
"What?" Subaru couldn't keep his voice steady. "Sei—" He moved forward, slowly. He dared to grab Seishirou from behind, feeling the man stiffen, and buried his face against the older man's back, staring into the dark fabric and trying to calm down. "What happened here?" he asked.
"You don't know?" Seishirou shifted his weight, and Subaru shook his head, even though Seishirou couldn't really see him. "Silly little ghost."
Subaru's eyes went wide. "Ghost?" he echoed faintly. He clumsily moved around Seishirou, so he was standing in front of him. He tried to look the healer in his eyes—darkened, bloodshot eyes—but Seishirou turned away.
"You should…go on. Go to the next life. Go to Heaven. Go to Hell. Just…leave me alone." Seishirou's shoulders slumped. "I don't…I don't want to see you anymore."
Subaru grabbed his arm. "Look," he said softly. He pulled back a sleeve, exposing the thin, almost non-existent line left on his wrist. Seishirou stared, then, tentatively, drew his fingers across the thin bit of raised flesh. "See?" Subaru whispered softly, soothingly. "I'm right here. I'm not hurt. I—"
Seishirou jerked forward, pulling Subaru sharply forward. He hit the floor roughly. Seishirou turned back to look at him, seething, furious. "You've haunted me for long enough," he said, his voice almost frantic, nothing like his usual self. "But you'll fade away. You're nothing but an illusion! Mocking me every day and night, every waking moment and sleepless delirium." He started to laugh, a rasping, black sound. "I saw the blood, but I didn't believe. My Subaru couldn't have done it."
"I didn't do it!" Subaru shouted, his voice echoing in the empty room. He was so close to panicking, so very, very close to screaming or sobbing or just…just giving up…
Seishirou quieted, staring at him as if he'd said something shocking. "Maybe you believe that," he said, and his voice was so cold, so dead Subaru shivered. There was so much pain in that voice, pain Seishirou had never shown him before.
"Maybe you do," Subaru shot back. "Do you want me to be dead that badly?" He angrily stared Seishirou in the eyes until the older man looked away. "Do you…?" He laughed bitterly, but shook his head. The anger faded away. "Liar," he whispered. He leaned forward to grab Seishirou's hand. "You would have killed me long ago."
Seishirou squeezed his hand painfully, and he pulled it back. "Seishirou…? What—" His words died when Seishirou's hands wrapped painfully around his throat. "Sei—!" he tried to choke out, unsuccessfully, when Seishirou's hands tightened, cutting off his breaths.
"You…" Seishirou whispered. "You have the nerve to come back to me, you stupid ghost? Does it please you, to see what you've done to me?" Subaru moaned feebly, his head spinning. "You're just like her, you know that? You take pleasure in watching me suffer!"
Subaru tried to shake his head. He realized with a start that Seishirou's grip wasn't nearly as tight as he'd have expected. He could catch just the hint of a breath…
"I haven't eaten… I haven't slept… surrounded by these filthy, wretched creatures, I…I…" Seishirou hissed. Subaru strained to listen above the rush of blood in his ears. "It shouldn't have meant anything. You would have returned, miserable and defeated, like you always did. But you finally…you finally decided to drop the act, didn't you? And I was a fool to have believed you."
"…no…!" Subaru threw all of his breath into that word and almost blacked out. He probably did, for a few seconds. His hands roughly snatched at Seishirou's, drawing blood with their ragged, grasping movements.
"…it was your fault, all of it!" Subaru heard a few of the words. What was…what was he talking about? "You changed me. You cursed me. You couldn't stay away, could you? You couldn't bear to live your life alone, and you wouldn't even die peacefully!"
Subaru was gasping, choking…screaming in silence…
"I replaced you," Seishirou hissed, taking a long, hard breath. "So easily. With money, with men. I ate the finest foods in the world. I took in the most talented assistants, men who would bow to my every command without a thought. I watched and I laughed at those disgusting creatures that style themselves as being my equal." Seishirou viciously pushed Subaru down to his knees, almost gasping from the viciousness of his voice. The blood roared in Subaru's ear, making him nearly deaf, unable to hear anything but Seishirou's wordless, wounded cries.
Seishirou stared down, heaving, eyes bloodshot, voice hoarse…and his hands grew so tight that Subaru flew straight into a panic, clawing senselessly at his arms. "The winter nights are so cold. Did you ever know how cold they were?" he whispered, and something like tears glittered in his eyes. "So cold that even…even taking the most talented whores into your bed couldn't melt the ice within you." He grinned evilly. "Not even you…"
He squeezed, once, hard enough to make Subaru's eyes roll back. He watched, and Subaru's body tensed, so very, very close to falling limp. Watched, and watched, and…finally let go.
Subaru choked, and Seishirou's fingers dug into his shoulder, forcing him to stay on his knees. "On a winter's night like this, when there's nothing but the darkness to embrace you…" Seishirou whispered, his voice raw, trembling, "then you see the world for what it really is. A vast and empty plain, where all the beautiful things have died."
Seishirou's eyes grew glassy, and Subaru decided to take his chance. He leaned back, shifting his weight just enough to fall backwards. When his back hit the floor, he kicked with all his might…
…and Seishirou fell limply to the ground, like a feather.
Subaru took in a few gasping breaths, and stood up. The dizziness almost made him fall over again. "…Sei…?" he managed, slowly moving towards Seishirou's prone body. He should have been scared, Subaru thought to himself, but he wasn't. Seishirou had his chance…and this time, for certain, he had chosen not to kill him. Seishirou was still breathing, staring blankly at the ceiling. "You're bleeding," he added lamely, wincing at the sting in his throat.
"Subaru?" Seishirou moved a little, raising his hand up. Subaru closed his eyes, expecting pain, but Seishirou gently caressed his cheek, calming his racing heart. "You're here," he said, so simply, so childishly, Subaru almost laughed.
"Yeah…" Seishirou's eyes had grown darker, and his breaths were harsh. "I'm here now. Don't worry."
Somehow, he managed to get Seishirou up and drag him to the bed. He threw back the covers, noting that the bed looked as if no one had been sleeping in it. To his surprise, Seishirou offered no objections as he pulled them in. He squirmed out of his coat, tossing it aside, and sat up against the pillows, observing the older man as he settled into the bed. Leaning over his side of the bed, he worked to bandage Seishirou's arm, surprised to hear soft, pained noises as he applied the medicines. He'd never heard Seishirou cry out before.
Silence reigned for a long moment, except for the soft rustlings of movement on the bed as they struggled to get comfortable. Subaru closed his eyes for a moment, trying, unsuccessfully, to clear his head. His throat was aching, his head was throbbing, he was full of aches and pains and completely confused and…
Seishirou moved suddenly, startling him. He watched curiously as the man moved towards him and laid his head on Subaru's stomach.
"What are you…?" Subaru trailed off as Seishirou's arms crept around his waist. He nuzzled against Subaru's stomach, such an intimate gesture…
"Why did you come back, silly little ghost?" Seishirou whispered against Subaru's stomach, the soft warmth lulling him into sweet sleepiness.
Subaru stared down at Seishirou's dark hair, unable to see his face. Ghost. Seishirou sounded so…resigned, so sad. Whatever waking dream held him, it wasn't about to let go. Seishirou still thought he was dead. "Because I love you," Subaru replied simply.
"You would…say that…" Seishirou said between yawns, great breaths that tickled Subaru's skin. He pushed Seishirou away, just a bit, and moved to lie flat on the bed. Seishirou pulled himself further up Subaru's body, resting now on his chest. He weakly thumped his fingers against Subaru very-solid flesh—weakly tapping out the rhythm of Subaru's heartbeat. He stared off for a few moments, half-asleep, and Subaru gently caressed his back, tracing soft patterns with his fingers. It was fascinating, somehow, to watch the way Seishirou reacted, arching back into the touch, almost trembling. Always so sensitive there, Subaru thought to himself, trialing his fingers along bones and flesh, contours and soft plains.
…so sensitive…so much…feeling…
Subaru pulled the covers up around them both, resuming his soft touches. Seishirou's fingers eventually stilled, and his breaths quieted. Subaru watched him for a moment, before finally lying down to sleep himself.
Three dark days passed. Seishirou rarely regained consciousness, and, even in those brief moments, he stared straight ahead, almost blindly, as if he couldn't see or remember Subaru.
Subaru watched anxiously, trying to make sense of Seishirou's rambling whispers, the way he moaned in his sleep, the desperate grasps at his hand in the night. He tried to get the man to eat, even just a little bit of bread and soup. He tried to coax a complete story, or even a few answers, out of the healer's mouth. He tried everything he could think of, but Seishirou remained sick.
Subaru worried, fretted, and almost—just almost—despaired.
It was easy to see that Seishirou hadn't been exaggerating. He was so thin, so pale and gaunt. Subaru repressed a shudder, remembering his own dark days of sleeplessness and refusing to eat. After a while, he thought darkly, it just didn't matter anymore. After a while, it wasn't even living anymore, just existing, on and on, through the cheerless, dreary days.
Subaru winced. His Seishirou, his strong, assuring Seishirou, had become only a whisper's difference away from the way Subaru himself had been when he'd first come. And now…now he had to be Seishirou. He had to be the strong one, when all he wanted was to be weak.
The brief moments of rest were invaluable to him. The few minutes in the night when Seishirou, deeply entangled in his dreams, brought his arms around Subaru's tired, aching form, warm and comforting, instinctively reaching for him, and him alone. The little moments when, as if time had stopped, Seishirou's body ceased thrashing and laid still, just long enough for Subaru to stroke his hair, caress his cheek.
And then...then there were the mornings like this one, where he simply couldn't move, exhausted and sick to his stomach at the thought of watching Seishirou suffer again. He hadn't been able to sleep until late into the night, and when he sank into the soft bed, he couldn't think or move. Subaru almost cried when Seishirou held him in his sleep. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. All he'd wanted...was to come back, and have everything go back to the way it was before. He probably deserved this—the black whispers in the back of his mind told him he did—but he didn't want it.
Maybe this was what his selfishness had done to Seishirou. Maybe he should feel guilty. But he was not going to let himself fall into the same black despair that he had before, that Seishirou suffered in even now. He had to be strong. He had to protect Seishirou.
And besides, somehow he felt closer to the older healer than ever. He knew what to do, and when to do it, because he knew Seishirou's pain. He knew it deeply, instinctively—and yet, he couldn't predict how Seishirou would react. Where he wept and fell into despair, Seishirou reacted with violence, anger. Subaru didn't know if he could handle it again. As weakened as he was, Seishirou's hands had slid around his neck and...
As the memory slithered into Subaru's mind, all too real, he nuzzled up against Seishirou's prone body. Even when he was terrified of the man and what he could do, he wanted to be with him.
He fought the urge to awaken with all his might, yearning to stay in the dreams where he didn't have to think or care or feel pain. So, when he finally forced his eyes open, he was completely shocked to see the object of his dreams, very much awake, lying beside him.
Seishirou's eyes—impossibly brown and lucid—watched him almost curiously. "You're finally awake," Seishirou commented offhandedly, with that damned smirk of his.
"So are you," Subaru said back. "It's been three days already."
Seishirou looked at him quizzically. "Three days…?"
"Forget it," Subaru whispered. "Tell me what happened here."
"Lady Sumeragi shut me down," Seishirou said off-handedly. He chose that moment to stretch out his sleep-ridden body, avoiding eye contact with the younger man.
"She did what?"
"Shut down the hospital, sent everyone home," Seishirou said, waving his hand lazily. "She wasn't too happy."
"But why?" Subaru stared, wide-eyed, at the healer. Didn't he even care that his entire life had been taken away?
"She came looking for you. I told her you were dead." Seishirou didn't even blink an eye, but Subaru almost exploded.
He sat straight up. "You told her I was dead?" he echoed faintly. "And she didn't kill you?"
Seishirou shook his head. "I don't know. I wasn't paying much attention to her by then." He shrugged. "Besides, you'd been gone for nearly a week. By then I assumed you were dead."
"I'm going to talk to her," Subaru muttered, moving to get up. "She can't…she just can't do this!"
"It's useless."
"She'll listen to me."
"People will come here regardless of what the Sumeragi clan says." Seishirou stretched himself out on the bed. "If I tell them it's safe to come back, they will." He reached to pull the younger boy back. "Stay."
Subaru frowned, but he sat back down. "Are you hungry?" he asked vaguely, still frustrated.
"No."
Subaru's eyes narrowed. "You're…not just saying that, are you?" He lowered his voice. "I mean, you…you said you weren't eating…" Subaru looked away. He sounded so foolish, didn't he?
"Don't worry about that." Seishirou put his hand under Subaru's chin, making the boy look back at him. "I just got so busy I slipped back into…old habits." Gracefully, he took Subaru's hand to his lips and kissed it. "I trust you won't let me slip back?"
Subaru shook his head. "And the sleeping?" he couldn't help but ask.
"The bed was too cold, without you here," Seishirou said, smiling so perversely that Subaru started to laugh. He pulled Subaru hand close to his face, and smiled at his, bright and childish. "I am hungry, though," he whispered, and Subaru shivered. There were so many things a person could…hunger…for…
He moved to get out of the bed. Seishirou had hardly been able to keep down his food during his sickness, so he made a light, quick soup, mostly broth, with a few soft noodles.
He watched as the man swallowed spoonful after spoonful of the plain soup he'd made up, more food than he'd eaten since Subaru returned. Seishirou was back to his old self, a hint of defiance permeating the way he forced himself to keep eating. Subaru finally stopped him, purposefully taking the bowl back and laying it on a tray to take back to the kitchen. He moved to pick up the plates.
"Wait," Seishirou said. "What…" Seishirou reached to touch his neck, but the moment he got close, Subaru jerked away. His eyes widened, and he looked away, ashamed of his reaction. "…are those?" Seishirou finished, studying Subaru with a dark look on his face. "Subaru…" Subaru didn't respond. "Subaru," he tried again. Subaru twisted around, much too slowly, and his eyes didn't meet Seishirou's. He flinched again when Seishirou reached out to touch him, but Seishirou could still see what he suspected—the fading bruises fit his hands perfectly.
"It's nothing," Subaru said, reaching to pull his shirt collar up.
"I've hurt you."
The words hung in the air. Subaru's expression was pained, but he nodded.
"I'm sorry." Seishirou leaned forward, pulling Subaru's face forward, close enough for him to kiss the boy on the lips. He saw Subaru's eyes widen, saw the subtle way his skin broke out in goose pimples. But Subaru still leaned into his embrace.
"I've hurt you too," he said, so soft Seishirou almost couldn't hear him.
"That's no excuse." Seishirou kissed at his cheek, the soft line of his neck, surprised, just for a moment, as Subaru leaned even closer to him. "You're so eager," he whispered teasingly.
Subaru buried his face against Seishirou's shirt, but made no comment to the contrary. He'd missed this, more than he'd liked to admit. It wasn't fair to say he disliked what they did, but something…something seemed so faraway, so distant in their contact. Something was always….not quite wrong, but not quite right, either.
The sensations prickled him anew—a strange cross of feelings, mixing the faint echoes of the touches he'd felt before with the ones coursing through his body right now, acutely intense and somehow…different.
When Seishirou leaned to suck at his neck, he shuddered. It hurt, the way he abused the bruises already there. Subaru tried to pull away, but Seishirou said, so tenderly, "Let me," and he couldn't resist. And he realized, when Seishirou pulled away, that the man wasn't being cruel. He couldn't erase the pain, but he could overwrite it. That spoke to Subaru's fears better than any words.
So when he kissed back, perhaps he was…eager. Eager to lose himself and his problems, to forget everything except…except what he was feeling. Eager to feel more. Eager, eager, eager…
Seishirou's kisses were slow, steady. Too slow. A dark thought Subaru's mind. "You're…still sick," he said, guilt washing over him.
Seishirou pulled away, looking him in the eye. "Exhaustion," he said evenly, "from sleep and food deprivation. I've slept, and I've eaten. Thus, there is no reason for me to be sick."
Subaru frowned. "I wouldn't let a patient get away with that," he replied, keeping his face straight, "so why should I let you, Lord Healer?"
Seishirou kissed his neck again. "True," he said, smiling a little too much. "Perhaps I should rest?"
"Perhaps," Subaru murmured, laying his head down on the pillows. He looked up at Seishirou, who grinned at him. "You scared me," he said finally.
Seishirou didn't reply. He leaned over Subaru's prone form, kissing him on the mouth instead. Subaru sighed. So he wasn't going to get any answers yet…
Maybe he didn't need them.
He was perfectly content to be with Seishirou…lying against Seishirou, kissing Seishirou, caressing Seishirou, smiling at Seishirou…loving Seishirou.
So he kissed, he caressed, he playfully nipped, and he leaned into every touch as if he'd never felt it before. And, in a way, he hadn't. He'd never let go of that little part of him that felt guilt and pain. He'd never let himself feel pleasure, or happiness, or anything good and warm and wonderful…so wonderful.
…so…very…wonderful…
He was tempted to let himself go, letting each and every sensation take hold of him until he couldn't think. He was so afraid of that—so afraid to accept, to want, to need. And, he slowly came to realize, so was Seishirou. They were both so terrified, so far into their roles that…that they almost thought this was everything. This feeble shadow.
Subaru urged himself to react, to respond, as passionately as he could. He urged himself to kiss and touch and feel. So sweet, these light touches, and so bitter, these dark fears. So much like them. So sweet, this feeling of completeness, and so bitter, the wall still between them. Sweet, bitter, sweet, bitter…
…sweet…
He found a new energy, pent up and released when he needed it most. Energy enough to kiss and hold in their most vulnerable moment. He felt the sweet triumph when Seishirou leaned down into their kisses, with a roughness, and a tenderness, that he'd never felt before. Something that was Seishirou, without the walls. Something that closed the distance between them, that distance that had always been there, ever since that first, sweet night, the night he never truly felt in his black despair.
It was strange, but…
He truly felt for the first time.
So he decided, in what had to be the strangest of places and times, that he would change. He lie so closely entwined with his lover—his lover, he told himself proudly—that he could hear every little sound, feel every movement, as easily as if it had been his won. He didn't want to move, but he carefully, very carefully, pulled himself away, watching for any sign that he'd woken Seishirou up. The man needed his rest, after all.
"I'll be back," he said softly, kissing Seishirou's face.
Subaru would fight, this time. Fight for himself and what he wanted.
He would have to return his old home…one last time…
Author's Notes: Mmm, that took a bit longer than I wanted it to…
How sad. I originally had this set as a four-chapter story, with an epilogue. Now it's looking to be an eight-chapter story and epilogue. Next up: Dealing with Madame Sumeragi and getting some straight answers out of Seishirou. Then an epilogue.
Do tell me how I did with Seishirou in this part. It's so hard to deal with him. If you care, he really did think Subaru was dead, hence the rather…strange reaction. I'll detail that better in the next chapter. All will be explained, trust me! This part is supposed to be fairly unclear and confusing.