"The Darkest Night" (Part 8)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: Subaru returns home, only to realize that he still has two things to take care of—a stubborn lover and a conniving grandmother.
Disclaimer: In the CLAMP-verse, Pandora's box would hold all of the 'evils' of manga writing—cliché endings, boring endings, clear-cut endings, and (gasp) undeniably happy endings. Of course, this very worst type of ending would be hidden in the deepest corner, under the strongest lock, never to ever see the light of…
…oops…
They just don't make box locks like they used too… ;)
The household of the Sumeragi family was at once majestic and foreboding.
Subaru did not want to be there, no matter what the reason, but he strengthened his resolve as best he could. It was bad enough that he'd had to return, but Seishirou's explanation of his absence would make it even more of a trial. There was no doubt that his grandmother—and any other clan member who saw him—would refuse to "lose" him again, after he so miraculously returned to them.
He felt a stirring in his heart at the thought of breaking their hearts again. There were still some people here he had affection for, though they were fewer in number than they had once been.
But that was always the choice, wasn't it? The love of a family, or the love of a lover. One or the other.
He held himself with admirable calm as he walked up to the great hall and asked—or rather, demanded—to see the clan head. He didn't let the whispers and gazes unsettle him as he had in years past.
The secretary, an older woman Subaru had known as a child, only looked him steadily in the eyes and said evenly, "You do realize that Lady Sumeragi will not be happy to hear that you have come to visit?"
"She never has been," Subaru replied coldly.
The woman sighed. "At least," she mused, turning to leave, "no happier than you would be to hear Hokuto was coming to see you."
Subaru flinched. The words stung him, in a way only someone like her would know how to do. Someone who knew him. He watched her disappear into his grandmother's room, trying not to tremble, or start wriggling around impatiently. It was hard. The Sumeragi home seemed to shrink down, suffocating him with memories, with glances, with whispers.
He fiddled with the collar of his shirt, checking to make sure—again—that it hid the bruises on his neck. Winter's coldness was a blessing, allowing him to hide himself beneath layers of clothes, within Seishirou's too-large coat. He'd had worse injuries to hide in the past—remnants of failed training exercises, sparring tricks that struck a little too hard, accidents of all shapes and sizes—but he felt the need to make sure no one ever learned about these particular marks. They wouldn't understand. He couldn't explain why they were different to him—not a mark of pain, but of…apology. Forgiveness. He wouldn't have the chance to explain, anyway. They would simply hate Seishirou more for hurting their innocent, defenseless Subaru, and call on him even harder to leave the man and return home.
What fools. They saw the world so simply. Slowly, Subaru tallied up the truths he could tell them that would shock them, make them gape as if their hearts had stopped beating. He had not only forgiven Kakyou, but embraced him as a brother. He had killed…and found it the right thing to do. And he had come to love Seishirou, with all his peculiarities and darkness.
They would be so different from Seishirou. He would laugh at such statements and call Subaru 'innocent.' The Sumeragis would look at him in horror and call him 'tainted.' He chuckled. There was something strange about that.
"Subaru?" She'd returned. Subaru glanced up at her wrinkled face, surprised. She smiled at him, disturbingly close to Seishirou's smirk. Mistaking his surprise for something else, she said jokingly, "Surely you don't expect me to waste my breath calling my little boy 'Lord' or any of those other foolish titles?" Her smile gentled, and Subaru laughed, despite himself. "We're not all against you, Subaru," she said, letting her smile fade a little. "There now, you look much better with a smile on your face."
"…and my grandmother?" Subaru whispered, mindful of the reason he'd come.
"Stubborn, as always," the woman sighed. "She's been in seclusion between the appointments she couldn't avoid, and she's not eager to allow anyone else in."
"She'll see me," Subaru said confidently.
"You?" She arched an eyebrow. "You're dead, as far as she's concerned."
Subaru sighed. "She believed that too?" he said finally. What a mess.
"Lord Sakurazuka was…quite persuasive," she replied, pausing longer than she should have.
"I can imagine," Subaru muttered. He pulled the heavy hood over his face, satisfied that it would give him temporary anonymity. "If she won't see me, I'll go to see her." The woman started to move, but he stopped her, shaking her head. "No, I don't want you getting in trouble," he said, letting a hint of affection creep into his voice. She smiled at him, comforting and familiar.
He remembered these halls, these paths. Once upon a time, he'd thought of them as his own. But he…was not himself anymore. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. That wasn't right. He was still himself, more himself than he'd ever been—just not the person he'd been the last time he'd walked these halls.
The robes of a healer clung to his frame, cleaned and scrubbed free of blood and medicines and all the other familiar scents of the hospital. They were more comfortable than the ceremonial robes he'd worn for clan meetings. He was more comfortable, free of the restraints that his family put on him, as the next leader-to-be. An insignificant healer—that's all he was, now. There was no reason for him to be any different than anyone else.
Several rooms were empty, and he began to adjust to the way his heart sped up just before he opened a new door. There was nothing to fear, and yet he did. He shut the doors more forcefully that he'd intended to, leaving the sound to echo down the hall.
He was just reaching to slam the latest unfortunate door when a voice said, with an almost comical dignity, "Kindly refrain from breaking every door in the Sumeragi mansion, Lord Healer."
Subaru froze. He couldn't bring himself to turn around, to see her. He knew that voice well enough to recognize it anywhere. The room was dark, a solitary candle illuminating one corner of the room. With his back to his grandmother and the dimness of the room, he was sure to have some time before she realized who he was.
She kept speaking, fortunately saving him from that decision. "I don't know how you got in here, nor do I care," she said. "You may have a few moments to retreat before I call in the guards."
"I have business with you," Subaru said, still refusing to turn. An instant of pure, paralyzing terror gripped him, disappearing almost as instantly. "And I'm told you won't take visitors the usual way," he added quickly.
A chuckle. "It's been a long time since I've met someone so bold."
He chose his words carefully, unconsciously reverting to the ways he'd been taught, the phrases he'd learned. "I ask that you rescind the ban on the healer, Seishirou Sakurazuka." He struggled to keep himself calm, aloof. "I don't know what he did to earn your anger, but I am confident he will never do so again."
"Is that truly what you want?" He could hear the way the aged woman shifted, the almost-sigh caught in her throat.
"Yes."
"Poor boy," she whispered. "Do you even know what kind of man you are trying to help?"
"Do you?" he couldn't help but say, trying to catch hold of the anger that flared up inside him.
"A murderer. A master of manipulation. A seducer of young, innocent children," she replied coldly, "like you."
"I'm hardly a child," Subaru said, almost laughing.
"But you're hardly an adult either."
"And how do you know that?" He'd always respected her; that much he could admit. His grandmother's senses were sharp, her knowledge vast. But she was always lost in the past, in the traditions and rituals that had been passed down from the clan founder through the years. If only she…understood…
"Your words, and your voice… You're trying so hard to sound formal, and proud, when you crave to speak to me as you would any other person." She paused. "I am merely a person, young healer."
"I want…" He stumbled, faltered, for a moment. Just say what you want to say, he told himself. Don't hide behind those frilly words. "I want you to open the Seishirou's hospital again." How else could he express how much he wanted her to help him? How could he say the words? "I can't bear to see him like this." He paused awkwardly, searching for the way, for the sound, for the words.
"And you think that my allowing him to go back to his murderous ways will make him feel better?"
"Yes."
"Foolish child," the old woman said, but she wasn't mocking him. "You don't understand, do you?"
"I understand better than you do," Subaru snapped. He paled. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"You're think you're in love with him, don't you?" A gentle hand rose to touch his back. Subaru stiffened at the unexpected touch. "It's admirable that you care for him so much, even knowing who he is, but…" her voice fell low. "You have to know that he doesn't truly care for you."
Subaru took a deep breath. She sounded so…so certain. As certain as she would be if she said "the sky is blue."
Taking his silence as a sign that he was considering her words, she continued, "You're not the first, nor will you be the last. But only two people have ever loved Seishirou Sakurazuka in his miserable existence, and both are dead by his own hands."
Subaru was thankful she couldn't see the stunned look on his face.
"You may not believe me, but I have seen it with my own eyes." She paused, and her next words were tender, almost trembling. "My own grandson once loved that man."
Subaru almost choked. She didn't know…!
"He was just like you, so completely sure of his love and his actions. And now…he's dead." The woman laughed bitterly. "There was no reason, no warning. My grandson simply…disappeared." She touched him again, absently smoothing the folds of his robe. "He's mad, that man. He kills without remorse. And since my grandson died, he's become madder by the day." Her hand stopped abruptly. "Whatever he's told you…they're just lies. He has nothing. He does nothing. For days, he's simply sat there, locked away in that house of his, pacing and muttering, driving himself further into madness."
"No…" He almost moaned the word. It had hurt to see Seishirou like that—and he'd like that for days? Ever since he'd left? Weeks of that…that torture…
"I wish I might have seen it." Her voice was so dark, so cold. "That proud, heartless man, sickened and destroyed. It is…fitting, in a way. His madness, his refusal of food and sleep and aid: all were once considered signs of"—and here she let out the softest of laughs—"lovesickness. Imagine, that heartless man, dying the death of a lover."
"No more," Subaru whispered. He was trembling. "I don't want to believe you," he whispered, knowing she was telling the truth. "You've told me enough."
"So you see, poor boy," she continued, heedless of his pleas, "you have been deceived." She dared to raise both hands to his back, an almost-hug. "For that man doesn't even knows what love is. Not even for you. For him, love means death, and it is enough that two lives have been taken."
"I don't care!" Subaru said defiantly. "I'd love him even if it meant dying." But, inwardly, he shuddered. He didn't know what he'd think, not now. Not when he wanted to live.
"The power of youthful romanticism," his grandmother sighed. "I tell you this for your own good: find someone else to love."
"Why do you hate him so much?" The question escaped before he could think. "Just because he kills? Because he killed…" He stopped himself. "Your grandson?"
"You have never loved someone."
"I—"
"Or you would never ask that question."
Subaru swallowed hard, silent.
"Foolish boy," the old woman said, almost affectionately. "Just like my grandson. My grandson…my Subaru…was truly the one meant to lead our House back to the days of glory and triumph." Her pride was evident, and, despite himself, Subaru found himself entranced by it. She was proud of him. "He did what no one else could. He defeated the House of Sakurazuka. The den of murderers, blood-soaked and incestuous, where children killed parents and parents children, all in their lust for power."
The warmth that settled in Subaru's chest turned sour. "You're wrong," he said. His voice grew louder, harsher. "How can you be proud of that? How can you be proud of driving a man into despair?"
"Hush," Lady Sumeragi said, quiet and forceful. "Listen to what I'm saying, not what you're hearing."
"He was right. It was useless to come here," Subaru muttered, ignoring her. He pulled away, but her hands were like steel, full of a strength stunning for her age.
"Subaru Sumeragi, you will listen when your clan head, your elder, your own grandmother speaks to you."
Subaru kicked himself mentally. Of course. Of course she'd known who he was, probably from the very moment she'd heard his footsteps in the hallway. She was playing with him. Using him. Just as she always had.
"No," he said, and there was more force then he'd intended. "I'm going back home."
"Back to that murderer?"
Subaru turned heel, grabbing his grandmother's loose robe. For a moment, he simply stared at her, fighting the urge to throw her against the wall. "Back to the man I love," he said through clenched teeth. He smiled, just a little, trying to swallow his anger. "Back to my Seishirou." He loosened his hands, let them fall to his sides. He started to walk out of the room.
"Why?"
It was shocking, the question that came out of silence. "Because I never thought I'd love anyone again."
"You're a fool."
Subaru laughed, a sudden, rough noise. "Am I, Grandmother?" He looked up at her, into her dulled eyes, still sharp with insight. "I'm happy. I'm so happy I was terrified to come here, because I thought I might wake up and find this was all a dream. And you…" He choked, almost a laugh, almost a sob. "You act as if nothing has changed, as if I'm still the little boy you knew all those years ago."
"Subaru," she said, and her voice was almost tender. "Haven't you heard a word I've said?"
"All you've done is insult the man I love." He tried not to shout.
"He's a murderer." Harsh and cold words. "Maybe you can't see that anymore. But however much you love him, it will never wipe the blood sins from his hands."
"I know that." Subaru laid his face on his hands. "Some days, I can't look at him without feeling…that darkness inside him."
"Then why?"
Subaru smiled. "You have never loved someone. Or you would never ask that question." This, he thought to himself, is why you're here. Don't back down. "Would you still love me, Grandmother, if you knew I was a murderer?"
"I have always loved you, Subaru." She sounded weary, suddenly, as if all her years had caught up to her in a moment. "And Hokuto." Her soft hands lifted his face up, forcing him to look her in the eyes. "I must seem a cruel and harsh person to you, my grandson. But I could not stand to see your heart so broken again."
"But it is my heart."
"I know." She turned her gaze to the window, where a light snow had begun to fall. "I lied to you before, and I apologize. I…"
"Yes, grandmother?" Subaru urged her on. He reached out tentatively to caress her cheek.
Suddenly, she jerked forward, grabbing Subaru in a tight embrace. "I feared for you, every day and every night, waiting to hear of your death. But it never came. I could not understand it. I could not imagine it. And before my eyes, you came back to life instead of leaving it." She went on, faster and faster, as if trying to say everything she had ever thought, or wondered, or spoken only to the darkest parts of her mind. "And all by the hands of a murderer! An unfeeling monster. I could never see him as you did. And yet, for these last days and weeks, I have come to know him better than I'd have ever dreamed."
Subaru held her, spellbound.
"I watched him, trying to find you. He'd said you were dead, that he had killed you, and in that instant, I felt such hatred for him as I had never known before." She took in a hard breath, as if she were drowning. "So I waited, and I watched, looking for any sign of you. Any little clue I could use so I wouldn't have to let that foul creature live. And before my eyes, he changed."
"I saw a man who had no heart come to the brink of death in his heartbreak." She clutched Subaru's hand, her voice rowing more harried, less and less like the grandmother he'd always known and more…more like a mere person. Her voice was broken with a loud sob. "But he is still a murderer!" she cried out. "And no matter how much you love him, or how much you change him, he will never repent for what he has done."
"But if he did, he would no longer be the man love." Subaru whispered to her, feeling the odd power of taking care of the woman who'd always taken care of him. "I went to him to die. I stayed with him to die. And now I love him to live." He took a breath. "I don't want to change him, Grandmother. At least know that he doesn't kill out of malice, or at random. He…we… kill those who ask to die. Those whose lives are too terrible to bear any longer. Those poor, pitiable souls….it breaks my heart to watch suffer."
She put a hand to his cheek. "Don't, Subaru. I understand. But I don't want to know."
Subaru sighed, embracing his grandmother's form. She seemed so small now. So helpless and broken. "Then…you will leave us alone? You'll give him back his hospital?"
"Yes." His grandmother let out a soft, sad laugh. "I'd always thought it would be Hokuto I would lose like this. Married off to some far away family, never to return again." She sighed. "I was so foolish back then, and I lost my beloved granddaughter because of it. I won't lose you too."
They sat there, in peace, for a few moments, contemplating.
"Subaru?" She spoke first, a mere whisper. "I have never seen a man with such a capacity to love. A man whose entire being could become wrapped up and choked by it, warmed and frozen to the soul by the mere words of it." She paused, and looked straight back at him. "A man so consumed by his love that it destroyed him utterly in mere days." Subaru was startled to feel the hot wetness of tears flowing down her cheeks. "My dearest grandson, in this, I could not have wished a better man for you love."
"Grandmother…" The words caught in his throat. "Grandmother." He had a sudden flash of inspiration. "Grandmother, I have…I've gone to see Kakyou." She stiffened, but didn't say a word. "I think…I think you should speak to him as well. He doesn't hold her death against you. And…" He paused, looking for the right words. "You may find it worth your while to make peace with him. He is…my brother, your grandson, too. Please, Grandmother."
He dared not speak Kyouto's name. That was Kakyou's right. But…at least he could try.
"I will think about it," she said, already regaining her dignity. She slowly stood up, wiping her face delicately. "I will not bother you any longer, Subaru. I respect…that you have refused the headship." She looked at him, a faint smile on her face. "Did I ever tell you about how the Sumeragis and Sakurazukas came to hate one another?"
Subaru shook his head.
"As the Sakurazukas dwindled, most of the old stories died out, so I'm not surprised. We've had a feud that should have ended years ago. As you know, we have...very different views on death. But…" She looked at him with an odd gleam in her eye. "We come from a common ancestor, you see. Ages and ages ago, there was a single man, and his sons fought viciously over the right to kill, to choose death at will. From those sons descend the great houses of Sumeragi and Sakurazuka." She folded her hands elegantly, suddenly the clan head again. "It is fitting that the last remaining sons of those lines have ended both feud and family. When you die, the family line will die with you. And, too, when your Lord Sakurazuka dies, his line will cease to be."
She looked back to the window. "Our ancestors and his yearned to destroy one another. Brother against brother, friend against friend, lover against lover." She paused. "And though I wish to believe that my hatred of Lord Sakurazuka was based purely on his actions in years past, I know my thoughts are tainted by my own forbearers' hatred. Though…they are certainly a House unlike any other."
"I know," Subaru said, although questions were forming rapidly in his mind. He would have so many things to ask Seishirou…
"Then I must bid you farewell, my grandson. I fear I have spent too much time in seclusion." Her almost-cold words made him ache, but he knew it was necessary. It was her way of telling him that all was settled between them, that he was…free.
"Farewell, my grandmother. May you find a strong and noble new clan leader." And so he returned the gesture, formally bowing as any other man would do. "And I have always loved you, Grandmother," he whispered before he left.
Author's Notes: yes, I'm late. And yes, this could so have been better. But I want to move on to the next part, darn it. I swear to finish this story before Christmas.
Ah, and as for the delay…well, I have school, work, and way, way too much homework. What can you do about it? It's gotten so bad that I've started using my extra time at lunch and my free period to work on this story at school! (which really sucks, because they have Macs and I have Windows and they don't like each other).
Let's see…one chapter and an epilogue. I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it. I don't think I can make Seishirou rant for more than 10 pages. Although…well, here's a clue: the next chapter will involve the only other person who ever loved Seishirou. Think; you'll guess easily enough.
I really had no idea how to work with Subaru's grandmother. I don't think she even has a name. I tried to use her as the voice of all the non-fans out there. Have you ever tried to explain S&S to someone who's never read Tokyo Babylon or X/1999? The single most asked question—why is he in love with a murderer? Unless you've actually read the series (and thus seen Seishirou as a human), you don't really understand. And, similarly, I think most of the fans have forgotten that Seishirou kills people. We're all so in love with the pairing that we ignore the complete lack of normalcy…
Hmm. I think I had more to say, but I can't recall…
Sorry for the delay again!