"The Darkest Night" (Part 9)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: Subaru and Seishirou have it out over Seishirou's lack of emotions—and the secrets of Seishirou's past are revealed.
Disclaimer: Now, if I was a member of CLAMP, I'd be leaving you without any sort of update or explanation for long periods of time.
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Wait a sec… blush
Subaru smiled.
It all seemed so…perfect. The twilight of the afternoon, still light enough to see the snowflakes settle, but not so bright it hurt his eyes. The chill on the air, biting, but gentle. The heat pulsing through him as he walked, warm and soothing as an embrace.
There was nothing left to stop him. Not death, or sorrow, or anger, or feud. It made him lightheaded, almost giddy, that every piece had fallen into place so perfectly, so beautifully. He didn't deserve such happiness. Even if he worked all of his life, he could never, ever find a deed worthy enough.
But…curse him if he didn't try.
By the time he returned home, it was almost dark. He paused at the door. Footsteps. Seishirou's. The soft imprints in the snow led out, but not back. Subaru pushed the door open, noting the silence nervously, and grabbed a candle. He lit it carefully, cupping the open flame with his hand. He trusted the older man, but…no doubt he was still sick, still…vulnerable.
The image was almost laughable. Seishirou, fallen and collapsed in the snow. Like a petite little doll, laying broken and waiting to be picked up.
Laughable…but… Subaru wasn't taking any chances.
He mentally reviewed Seishirou's condition in his mind. Exhaustion, mostly. He was probably still unable to eat too much. Stubbornness. Subaru smiled at the thought. That was the crux of it. Stubbornness and a refusal to listen to anyone's orders. But, surely, Seishirou had seen enough patients to know his own weaknesses?
It would probably be best to take a blanket. Subaru decided. Something to keep them warm, just in case. A chill wind had started to blow, piercing his warm coat and leaving him craving a warm fire, a warm bed, a warm body.
He moved to their bedroom, intending to grab the first blanket from the bed, but something stopped him. By some strange chance, he saw…a glitter? A sparkle of something, lying in a dark corner of the room.
Subaru felt more than saw, his fingers tracing over the floor, encountering a rough corner, hard and angular. He smoothed his finger on one of the sides, recognizing the chill, smooth object as glass.
He yelped when his finger slid across a sharp crack, dropping the object onto the floor with an audible crash. The taste of blood made him wince, but he sucked on his finger nonetheless, trying to soothe away the sudden pain. Gingerly, he touched the object again with his other hand, avoiding the glass, and pulled it up into the light.
His breath caught in his throat.
It was a picture…a painting…something beautiful, stunningly beautiful, and he wasn't sure whether it was real or not. No. His eyes widened in recognition. No, it had to be real. He recognized the background—he knew that area, knew that tree, and those flowers. It was Seishirou's favorite part of the garden.
Springtime. He recognized the cherry blossoms, what he had always though of as Seishirou's blossoms, his favorites. And the blood-red camellias lining the ground, curling around the base of the tree, interlaced with it. But the familiarity of the scene was marred—no, that wasn't the right word. No, it was different. Changed. Alien.
All because of the face staring back at his.
She was beautiful…but it was a cold, unearthly sort of beauty. Her skin was pale, flawlessly smooth and perfect. Her eyes were a dark brown, reminding him of Seishirou's—but colder, if that were possible. More devoid of emotion. Her hair fell down around her ankles, longer than he'd ever seen. It must have taken years, decades, to grow so long—and yet she looked like a child, a maiden.
She was sitting on the ground, lying upon it as if she were lifeless, but her face was facing the person who'd made the picture. Her clothes were loose, yet they clung to her, suggesting and hinting at the body under them. Her arms were wrapped around her stomach. Her face had a smile…and yet it was not a smile. She seemed annoyed, or angry—perhaps at the person foolish enough to capture her likeness, or perhaps at herself for allowing the picture to be taken.
He traced her face, the glass broken away by his hand or Seishirou's. The paper curled up, and he caught a bit of it, pulling the aged picture from its frame. There was something on the other side, as well.
The same woman, and yet not. She sat beneath the tree's pink blossoms again, holding a large, crimson camellia flower it her delicate fingers. But her eyes were no longer facing the viewer—a fact that made Subaru let out a breath of relief. No, her eyes were focused downwards, past the red blossoms dangling from her fingers, to the face of another.
A pair of tiny hands reached up to grab at the red thing, and was that a hint of a smile on her face? Her lips barely curved upwards, and yet…there it was. Exquisite in its simplicity.
No wonder the child she held seemed so happy.
Or perhaps that was only the effect of the flower. Either way, the overall effect of this picture was wholly different from the other. Subaru still felt uneasy, gazing upon it. Before, it had been her—her coldness, her anger at being gazed upon. But now…now it was the child.
What right did he have to watch such a private moment between the child and its mother?
His thoughts drifted back to the woman. Who was she? Why did Seishirou have her picture—and why had he hidden it for so long? He pushed away the thoughts of jealousy, the aching questions, the answers that came to him far too quickly.
It didn't change the situation. It didn't change what he wanted, either.
He threw the picture back to the floor, perhaps more harshly than he should have, and gathered up a warm blanket into his arms. He had to find Seishirou.
Subaru moved slowly, trying to keep the weak flame on his candle lit. Trying to see anything more than a few feet away was almost useless. He couldn't tell how long he'd been walking, and the sun was nearly gone from the sky. The winter days were short, but this one especially so. It had barely been light when he'd left, almost mid-day, to see his grandmother, and now, only hours later, it was darkness again.
Given his lover's fondness for wearing dark clothes, the search could easily last all night. Subaru smiled weakly to himself. For all he knew, Seishirou had already returned. Perhaps it would end up that he would collapse, out here, and await Seishirou's rescue?
He was strangely tired. The exuberance that had filled him when he started was starting to fade, and it grew harder to chase the unwanted thoughts from his head. His body didn't ache yet, but he felt something in him…draining. Some strength, or courage, or…
No!
He winced as his foot slammed down too harshly on the ground. No, he whispered to himself, No, he wouldn't give up. He wouldn't panic. He wouldn't, not now, not ever.
He forced himself to look around. He knew this area. He was near the garden, near…that place. Her place. The place where she had sat, where that picture had been taken. No, it wasn't her place. It was Seishirou's. He took a determined step towards the cherry tree, content that, once he saw it again with his own eyes, the woman, and the picture, would fade from his mind.
His eyes were adjusting to the darkness, slowly but surely. And he saw…
Subaru smiled.
Seishirou looked so childlike when he slept, though Subaru rarely had the chance to see it. Subaru let out a soft sigh of relief. There was the unmistakable form of his love, lying rather awkwardly against the cherry tree. A thin layer of snow had fallen over his clothes, and he trembled.
Subaru almost dropped the candle in his haste to reach Seishirou. The man's face was freezing to the touch. So cold…He brushed the snow away with one hand, and caressed Seishirou's face with the other. "Wake up," he whispered, more out of annoyance than fear. He could feel Seishirou's erratic breaths, and it assured him that the man was only lightly sleeping.
And perhaps not even that. Seishirou moved, ever so slightly, when Subaru grabbed his hand. His frozen fingers laced themselves with Subaru's, and Subaru suppressed a sigh. He could see the smallest twitch of a smirk on Seishirou's face. He was awake. Playing with him.
Well, two could play at that game. "So cold," Subaru said absently, almost to himself. He pulled their joined fingers up to his face and gently kissed them, lingering a little too long, savoring the feel of Seishirou's fingers against his lips. The numbness was starting to stop, and feeling was surging into his lips, his fingers, sharp and sensitive.
He played with Seishirou's fingers a little longer, sucking at them, teasing the tips. Seishirou's façade was failing, and his breaths were growing more and more uneven.
Subaru let himself smile. It was so obvious that Seishirou was awake. The small twitch in his fingers, the way his eyes almost, but not quite, opened, the strange warmth that seemed to radiate off of him… No, he'd spent enough nights with the man to know that he slept as quietly as death.
Subaru's face was cold. Playing was fun, but…it was just too cold. He leaned down and kissed Seishirou, softly, sweetly, one set of freezing, tender lips against another. He almost yelped when Seishirou's arms grabbed him up and pulled him close. He broke off their kiss, and looked into Seishirou's wide-open, utterly awake eyes, sighed, and let himself fall back into the kiss.
It was absurd, wasn't it? Two grown men, laying in the snow, freezing and getting soaked, and sick, and…holding each other close, warm, tight, and breathless.
"You're mad," Subaru whispered, breathless, almost choking on the freezing air he gaspingly drew into his lungs. His mouth was raw, numb from the cold and burning from the kisses. "Completely crazy. And sick." The damp, sickly feeling of being hot and cold made it hard for him to think. "What are you doing out here?"
"Nothing. Just enjoying the snow." Seishirou hesitated, only a fraction of a moment, but Subaru's sharp—or perhaps just annoyed—mind detected it. Liar.
"So you do like watching the snow?" Subaru whispered.
"It depends on who I'm watching it with." He was almost wistful, but, then, a flash of a smirk.
"Who were you watching it with?" The words escaped, and silence fell over them. He watched Seishirou's face, watched those brown eyes that betrayed him.
"The dead." Seishirou's reply was short, soft. He chuckled, and put his hand to Subaru's cheek. "Do you know, dear Subaru, why the camellia blossoms are so red here?" Subaru shook his head mutely. "Because they feed on blood, and flesh."
Subaru shuddered, more out of habit than any true disgust. "So…that's why we bury the bodies here?" he asked, trying to fight off the sense of nausea rising in him with a wave of logic. See this the way Seishirou does, he told himself. Just bodies…just food for the flowers to devour, to thrive upon. It happened in any cemetery.
"Yes," Seishirou said simply. Subaru buried his head against Seishirou's chest. He didn't want to think about it…about the roots, slowly tunneling through the once-living flesh like so much meat. He shuddered again.
"I don't remember burying anyone here, though," he said, the thought suddenly occurring to him. "In the other gardens, yes, but never here." He looked up at Seishirou's face. "Who…?"
Seishirou looked at him for a moment. His expression softened into an almost wistful smile. "It took an especially beautiful body to make the cherry trees and camellias bloom so beautifully. I'd never dare to taint this place with those common corpses. " He spread his hands in a gesture of supplication. "Beauty must feed itself upon beauty, you see?"
He motioned vaguely to the snow-covered foliage. Subaru nodded hesitantly. He was tempted to move a cool hand to Seishirou's forehead, which must have been burning. Instead, he opted to curl their fingers together, and squeezing them gently. He'd make sense of it somehow.
"…and it was her last wish to be buried here, with her beloved camellias and my cherry blossoms." He chuckled darkly. "Not that it mattered. She didn't stay here long." He shook his head, and sighed, so softly. "She was always there, always watching me. Never here. Never once did I see her here. But still, I thought, perhaps, perhaps…" He stared off for a moment.
In a heavy, jerking motion so unlike him, he grabbed Subaru close and crushed their lips together again, until Subaru couldn't breathe, couldn't think. His hands were rough, not the tender touches Subaru had begun to expect, but he still felt the hot flush of sweet, familiar desire rush through his body, and when Seishirou pulled him easily into his lap, he accepted it without a thought. The forgotten blanket was pulled from him, and gently pulled around their shoulders.
Seishirou nuzzled his neck, digging into the crevice between hot skin and warm cloth. His hands followed suit, making Subaru yelp when the still-chilled digits smoothed themselves against his belly. Subaru cradled them together, the exquisite mixture of intoxicating pleasure and passion and love flaring up within him, hotter and hotter, until he took no notice of the chill.
To think he'd once forgotten warmth…and love…and pleasure…
He opened his mouth, to whisper sweet nothings, declarations of love he couldn't even put into words…
"Ah, wonderful," Seishirou whispered before he could. He looked up, that damned smirk lighting up his features. "This is far better than freezing."
He knew so well—too well—where to touch to make soft peals of warmth bloom in Subaru's body, and soon, even the chill winds and wet snowflakes couldn't touch the heat between them.
"Ah, what are you doing to me?" Subaru breathlessly murmured, the sort of question asked without a need for answer.
"Keeping us warm," Seishirou whispered back, a hint of laughter in his voice.
"…what?" Subaru whispered, his lightheadedness suddenly sobering.
"Do I need to explain it, Subaru?" Seishirou whispered in that same half-amused tone. He ventured a kiss of Subaru's throat. "The stimulation of nerves, causing physical arousal…" Another kiss, just a little lower. "…and a sharp increase in body heat. The release of signals causing the same response in my body…" Seishirou smirked, healer and lover in one. "And we don't freeze to death in the middle of the cherry trees." He stroked his fingers in a particularly sensitive spot, making Subaru shudder. "See? The body is such an easy thing to manipulate…"
Again, that dark feeling. Subaru winced, though Seishirou couldn't see him. "You've left out the most important part," he whispered hoarsely, taking in a deep breath of frigid air. Seishirou shifted, bringing them fact to face. They kissed again.
"Which is?" he asked softly.
"How much I love you."
Seishirou shrugged. "If you think so." He leaned in for another kiss, but Subaru stopped him. They stared at each other, wordless, for a moment.
Subaru searched the older man's eyes, looking for something, anything to tell him Seishirou was joking, or simply didn't want to admit his affections. But there was nothing. He flinched, and looked away. Stupid, gods, so stupid!
"Subaru…" He should have appreciated the gesture, Subaru thought, furious with himself, with Seishirou, with everything. The way Seishirou's voice grew so tender, and the real confusion there.
"I know…you don't believe in emotions. Stupid, foolish emotions." He squeezed his fingers into Seishirou's shoulder. He had never loved Seishirou more than in these last few moments. And Seishirou…Seishirou…
"Would it make you happy to hear the words?" Seishirou mused aloud. "If I whispered them into your ear right now? 'Subaru, I lo—' "
"It's not the same."
Seishirou sighed, and patted Subaru's back, the boy's face resting against his shoulder. "And you wonder why I puzzle over these emotions so much," he said. "Changing, shifting, manipulated emotions." He took a deep breath. "You want me to say these things that other men say to their lovers. 'I'll never leave you.' 'I only care for you.' 'You are the most beautiful creature in the world.' Even if they're not true."
"If you loved me, they would be," Subaru said bitterly.
"Am I to promise never to die?" Subaru didn't reply. "Or to lie to you and myself?" Seishirou's fingers snaked under his chin, forcing him to look up. "I will not lie to you, Subaru. I will not say I never felt affection for anyone before you, or that I never bedded another being, or that I feel for you any differently than anyone else in creation."
Subaru's eyes began to sting.
Seishirou pulled him close. "Cry, then. You know you want to." He tucked his chin against Subaru's hair. "You are beautiful. With my eyes, I can see that, and it is true. What do your emotions have to do with that?" He was relentless, even cruel. "You're voice is sweet. With my ears, I know that. Your hair, soft beneath my fingers…and the beat of your heart, pulsing…your warm breath… All these sensations you call 'love' are nothing but chemical responses, logical reactions."
"They are not," Subaru whispered.
"I have tried to understand you, Subaru." Seishirou's voice, resigned. "And yet, you confound me utterly."
"I love you."
Seishirou sighed. "And love is the strangest of human emotions."
"If I were stronger…" Subaru sniffled.
"Hmm?" Seishirou made an inquisitive sound, urging Subaru to finish the thought.
"If I was strong enough, I could wait," Subaru said, his voice raw and pretty. "I could wait, and explain, and make you understand." He gulped a breath down. "If I were strong enough, I…I know just loving you would be enough, but I…I…" He choked on a sob. "I want you to love me, Seishirou!"
"You need me to love you?" The question that was not really a question.
"…yes…!"
The silence fell between them, Subaru making only a soft, needy sound against Seishirou's chest. He wanted reassurance so badly and yet the warmth and strength of Seishirou's arms was not enough.
" 'What is love?' I once asked my mother," Seishirou said suddenly. " 'Why do they whisper that word?' And she told me…" He paused. "Do you really want to hear, Subaru? To know what I know about love?"
Subaru nodded, red-rimmed eyes shut tightly.
" 'Love is an emotion that humans have. It makes them do foolish things,' she sighed," Seishirou whispered, imitating the sound, an adult tired of a child's antics. Flash of a smile on his face. " 'Love is something I have never known. Something I hope you will never know. But it is no loss to us, my dearest. We do not need emotions. They are things of imagination and hallucination. What is real, what is tangible—these are the things that matter. They have always been. Emotions are fragile, and fleeting, part of a world we have left utterly behind.' "
"…" How could he fight against that? Subaru might have started to cry again.
"Don't…" Seishirou's fingers at his eyes, rubbing away the salty unshed tears.
That dark feeling—he knew it, now, for what it was. Finality. Terrible, yes, to know, to know so certainly, that his love would be forever unrequited. Affection, yes, and sensuous pleasure; but never love. And yet…
"You are…so beautiful, Subaru," Seishirou whispered fondly. "Do you know how you look, in such exquisite sorrow? Your eyes seem to glow, and your skin is so pale…your hair so black…"
What was this, Subaru wondered. Still, he took comfort in the words. He'd never heard such a sweetness in Seishirou's voice, not towards him.
"I thought I would never see such beauty again." The words seemed distant. "I thought Mother was the only beautiful creature to have ever existed, before she died. Beautiful as the blossoms she adored so much."
Mother. Mother, the beautiful one. She was the one…the one who told him the foolishness of love. The only one he ever spoke affectionately of. Spoke as if he loved her, in some way, even if he didn't know it.
Subaru felt an ache in his heart. Was it so selfish to want…to want just a little of that for himself?
"And you…such an exquisite wreck of humanity…" How strange was it, that Seishirou's voice was just as—dare he say it?—loving when he spoke those words. "Torn and ruined to such an extent you could not even feel." His voice, warm against Subaru's ear. "Subaru, do you even understand what you were?"
Subaru stared back at him, uncomprehending. "What I was…?" he echoed softly.
Seishirou seemed to take his confusion as a sign to continue, his voice growing louder, almost desperate. "There is nothing real in this world but what you feel, with your hands, your lips, your eyes. And yet you…" A shuddering breath, a purely-human weakness, a tremble in his voice. Subaru watched in a sort of stunned awe. "You, so beautiful, a beauty that could not exist…you, so cold you could not have known my touch…"
Subaru strained to hear his last words.
"You were alive."
Suddenly, it was Seishirou's head against his chest, breathing the cold air harshly, spilling out words with a strange, sort of intensity.
"It was impossible," he whispered, and it seemed, to Subaru, almost desperate. "How could you have been there, Subaru? How could you exist?"
"I don't know," Subaru whispered. His own despair was forgotten in the face of this new riddle. "Why can't I exist? Tell me. Make me understand, Seishirou."
A flash of anger…confusion. "You couldn't feel," Seishirou whispered.
"Couldn't feel what?" Subaru shot back, but he regretted the words instantly. He was asking for two much, too fast, he knew it. "I'm sorry." He tenderly caressed Seishirou's back. "Let's…let's get back inside before the snowstorm starts up, okay?" He started to move, but Seishirou stayed still.
"I couldn't understand…" Seishirou said stubbornly, refusing to move.
Subaru wanted to move, knew he should and yet…he was so close, just on the precipice, of understanding, making some great realization of…of how Seishirou felt about him.
"I wanted to study you, to try and understand how…how you could exist." He shook his head, but Subaru's hand stayed steadily on his cheek. "There was no great reason. I just wanted…" He struggled for a moment, his eyes widening. "I wanted you," he said suggestively, reaching for a kiss.
The sudden movement shocked Subaru out of his thoughts. He pushed away, instinctively, turning his face and saying, as much to himself as to Seishirou, "No…no, we need to get back…"
"Don't leave."
The words were so…so…childlike. Subaru leaned back, resting his back against the frozen tree, Seishirou stubbornly lying against him.
Seishirou's hands grasped at him, and he shamefully noticed a low warmth that spread through his body, even at the most innocent touches. Seishirou was always touching him, he realized distantly. Always holding him and feeling him. He smiled. Always, even since that first night, when he was so numb he couldn't even…
…feel…
The spark of realization hit him before he even realized it. Of course, his mind whispered, in a thousand little flashes, all in one instant. For a man who believed only in what he could touch and what he could sense, that all-consuming numbness, brought at the hands of his terrible and consuming emotions…must have been incomprehensible.
"You always touch me, Sei," he whispered affectionately. "Why?" Subaru suspected that now, more than any other time, he would hear the truth.
"I want to," Seishirou said simply.
"I like it," Subaru said softly. He realized, suddenly, that he had never said it aloud before. He'd never needed to, not when Seishirou was always so desperate to touch him.
"The eyes can be deceived," Seishirou murmured, and his caresses grew stronger. "And memory can conjure a scent, or a taste. But my hands…"
Seishirou's hand was suddenly at his neck, and Subaru moved to push him away again, but his hand stopped, wavering uncertainly, when Seishirou began to rub, comfortingly, at his neck, his shoulder. His other hand was at Subaru's waist, still making those comforting motions. Nothing to arouse him, just gentle, comforting motions.
"My hands tell me you're here."
Subaru held Seishirou's hands with his own. "Yes, I'm here."
He looked away, out into the further reaches of the garden. "I wonder here she is," he said.
"Who?"
"Mother."
Curiosity filled Subaru, and yet, it was more than that. He truly desired to know about her, the beautiful woman Seishirou cared for so much. "Tell me about her, please."
"She was beautiful," Seishirou said instantly, as if that were the only thing necessary to say. "The only beautiful creature I ever knew." He sighed. "Her eyes were like fire when she was angry. Like jewels burning. Her hair was the softest, most luxurious toy I ever had, before I could even care for myself. And she…"
Subaru listened jealously. He'd never had a mother…nor had Seishirou ever poke so rapturously of him.
"She would…when I was felt choked, sickened by their filth, she would…catch me up in her arms, like a sweet breeze, a song carried on the wind, and wrap me up, take me far away from these disgusting wretches that styles themselves human. Like they didn't even exist, not in her presence. Like nothing else existed."
Subaru had only glimpsed this Seishirou before, this man who smiled and spoke so sweetly of beauty and wonderful things. "She sounds wonderful," he said. From the way Seishirou spoke, Subaru felt as if he were starting to love her, too. This beautiful Mother…
"Before she died, she…" Seishirou's face darkened. "She was acting so strangely. Some sickness took hold of her, something I couldn't understand." His fists clenched unconsciously. "She stopped eating, stopped sleeping… and she would say mad things, whisper them ceaselessly to herself, and when she saw me, she would suddenly stop, and only stare at me, smiling." Seishirou shook his head. "She couldn't stand it, finally, all those days and nights of…"
He stopped, gazing listlessly out into the garden once more.
Subaru found a comfortable place to lay his face on Seishirou's back, a warm place for his hands around Seishirou's waist. "Was it…long ago?" he asked softly, trying to sort it out, these days before he had come to know Seishirou.
"I was about your age…" Seishirou replied, "…your age when you first came here."
Ah, Subaru thought to himself. Perhaps, then…Seishirou blamed himself for not being able to save her? "Did she die of that?" he decided to ask instead, unable to find the words.
"I killed her."
Subaru went stiff, for a moment, in shock. But it drifted away…it was really not shock at all, now that he thought about it. "Why?" Subaru breathed.
"She wanted me to. She smiled and she asked me to." He started to pull away.
But Subaru only tightened his grip. "And you did it?" he whispered, not accusing, not judging…only curious.
"She was my first." He shrugged. "She was mad by then." He paused a moment, and then, in a strange sort of voice, he continued, "I didn't believe her, not at first. She seemed so lucid. She wanted to be buried here. She told me how to take care of the patients on my own. And she told me how happy she was that my first death would be so easy."
Subaru devoted his attention, just for a moment, towards worming his own hands between Seishirou's, a painful procedure that, nonetheless, would allow at least some of the blood back into his clenched hands. His hands were so cold…
It distracted him, just for a moment, from the fact that he couldn't think of a single comforting thing to do or say. He rested his head against Seishirou's shoulder again, utterly and completely…at a loss.
"I should have told you sooner," Seishirou said suddenly. Before Subaru could react, he started again. "I should have warned you."
"Warned me…?" Subaru echoed, his expression a mixture of worry and concern that Seishirou would have loved seeing.
"I have it as well," the older man whispered. "That madness." He chuckled, darkly. "But I doubt that surprises you."
Subaru shook his head. "Is that what it was?" His stomach fluttered. Not eating, not sleeping…
…hadn't his grandmother called that "madness" by another name…?
"Be glad you weren't here." He smiled, that dark smile he sometimes got in his darker moods. "You wouldn't have liked it, Subaru."
"I…" Subaru started to say, then stopped. No he couldn't say he would have done this, or that. He couldn't promise…
"Do you know what it's like? Nothing changes," Seishirou said, that impossibly cold look still on his face. "Not the days or the nights, not the food or the drink, and yet…" His hands clenched tightly. "Nothing is different," he said suddenly, nearly barking the words. "Nothing feels any different than any other day, and yet, one day, I just can't find the will or the want for any of it." He laughed, darkly. "I feel nothing, see nothing, taste nothing…nothing but emptiness. An insatiable emptiness. As if my every sense has abandoned me."
He was merciless in his descriptions. Subaru's heart and mind hurt, trying at once to listen with compassion and yet trying to block out the terrible images and sensations of being sucked into that terrible, dark abyss Seishirou spoke of.
"But you got better," Subaru murmured, grabbing onto the first ray of hope he could grasp.
That terrible smile again. "This wasn't the first time," he said simply.
"But—"
"It was long before I met you," Seishirou cut him off. He paused, then, as an afterthought, added, "And it was not so bad that last time." He took a deep breath, slowly blowing out the little wisps of cloud and mist. "I had thought, perhaps, that I would heal, and yet it seems I'm destined to share her fate in all things."
Subaru sat, silent. "Why are you telling me this now?" he asked finally.
"Perhaps being here with her has made me nostalgic." He took a deep breath. "Subaru, if I ever…I want you to—"
Realization cut into him sharply. "I won't do it," Subaru whispered fiercely. "I can't!"
Seishirou was suddenly in his face, pushing him back, holding him to the cherry tree. "Subaru," he whispered huskily. "Please, I…"
Subaru choked back his words when he saw Seishirou's face—that mixture of pain and anger and sadness that made his heart ache. But the worst part was the complete and utter confusion he saw. Just like a child.
"You don't understand," Seishirou said.
"I won't…I won't!" Subaru's voice shook. "I'd kill myself first. I…I…" He took a deep, choked breath. "I love you."
"You do not," Seishirou said coldly, and he was suddenly so much like he had been when they met. The child-like Seishirou vanished. "There is no such thing."
"Stop saying that!"
"It's the truth, Subaru."
They glared at each other icily, Subaru still pinned against the tree, Seishirou still holding his arms in what was rapidly becoming a painful position.
"Let me go, Seishirou," Subaru said, finally.
Seishirou let him go, and he rubbed at his arms, grimacing, though not all the pain was physical.
"Is that all it takes?" Subaru whispered, and he was sure he was starting to cry. "A little sickness, and you want to leave me alone again?" A sudden anger overtook him. "You coward…you pathetic coward…"
"What did you call me?" Seishirou grabbed his face roughly, forcing him to look up, though the tears were starting to blur his vision. "You, who begged for death so many times?"
"I was wrong," Subaru whispered, his voice cracking. "I was just so scared, I…"
The words tumbled out, and his voice left him as he stared at Seishirou. He suddenly recognized, with crystal clarity, that strange emotion he had seen, that reminded him so much of a child. The emotion he was trying so hard to hide…
"Sei," he said, trying to be tender, though his voice was rough. "What are you so scared of?"
He closed his yes, expecting pain, but it didn't come. When he opened his eyes, Seishirou was staring at him. "I'm not afraid of anything," he said.
"I think you are." Subaru felt a strange sort of elation, knowing, for certain, that he was right. He could see it. "And I think you know what it is," he pressed gently.
"Even if I were, why would I tell you?"
The cold words stung, more than Subaru expected. But he persevered, and his strength seemed to return to him in one sweet burst of warmth. That protectiveness and concern that Seishirou's rare vulnerability seemed to bring out in him. "I want to know," he said, keeping his voice gentle.
"Because you love me, right?" He was mocking him.
Subaru simply nodded. It was taking a saintly patience to keep this up, a patience that was starting to tire him.
"But love is not real."
Those words again. And again. "Don't sound so defensive," Subaru whispered, and it felt so good to be able to smile, really smile, with the revelation. "It makes me wonder if you really mean it."
Seishirou glared at him, but he couldn't keep it up. Defeated, he said, in a sweet, stubborn way, "Even if it is, I do not want it." He glared again. "Foolish emotions."
Subaru could see it, and he cursed. No mater what Seishirou was saying, Subaru could see it in his every movement and expression, that…emotion. "I'm scared," he admitted, as much to himself as to Seishirou. "I'm scared that you're hurt and I can't do anything about it, even though I love you and I…I just want…"
"Don't do that." Seishirou sighed, and dragged Subaru into his arms. "You make me want to play along with you." He closed his eyes. "This stupid 'love' of yours…as if it were some great all-healer that solves everything."
"It can."
"Can it bring back the dead? Or keep the dying from death?" Seishirou sounded bitter. "Can it do anything but drive them further into despair? Can it keep the madness away?"
Subaru tried to smile. "Sometimes, it can."
"Then why did she die?"
The words came out of nowhere, materializing like a cloud on a sun-lit day of spring.
"You loved her," Subaru said softly, a statement laced with the softest hint of a question.
"She…" Seishirou paused, a strange expression on his face, "loved me."
"I thought she didn't believe in love?" Subaru asked. Could he hope…?
"Before she died, she said… 'If ever there is such a thing as love, my son, I love you.' " He closed his eyes, and Subaru was certain he was seeing her, hearing her voice in his mind. And when they fluttered open again, he said, in a voice more wondering than mocking, "Is there anyone who loves who doesn't want to die?"
He absently dabbed a hand to his face. The wind stung his eyes, staining his own face with hot wetness as surely as Subaru's, though he seemed less aware of it.
Subaru reached to touch the tears before they froze on Seishirou's face.
"I don't like this," Seishirou said, and he nuzzled Subaru's hand, though he was grimacing. "The way my heart is pounding…the soreness of my throat…" He closed his eyes. "It's as if the madness was coming again."
Subaru leaned forward and kissed him, slowly at first, but with a passion that smoldered and grew, until they were both breaking away, breathless. He tried to reach back for another, but Seishirou stopped him.
"I…" he started to say, that pained look on his face.
Subaru shook his head. "It wasn't because she loved you," he half-whispered, half-gasped. "It's because she was too scared to love you."
"Scared?" Seishirou echoed, as if he didn't believe it. He started to lean forward, but hesitated. That same look…
Subaru grabbed him up and cradled him tightly in an embrace, stroking at his hair, feeling the silent streams of wetness at his chest until Seishirou finally relaxed, melting against him.
"And you're scared, too." A halting whisper.
"Your mother…she couldn't believe in her love, even though she felt it so badly she couldn't sleep, or eat, or be happy," Subaru whispered, softly. It was so dark, and so cold, the candle having long since been blown out, and only the briefest bits of moonlight showing through the scattered snow clouds. "And I…I was always too stupid and selfish to believe that I could love you, either." He forced the words out. "I was scared, too." Subaru laughed, but it was mixed with tears. "So I can't…I can't complain about you, can I? You were right not to believe in love."
Seishirou stirred against him. "Liar," he said softly. Subaru started in surprise, and looked down to see Seishirou smirking at him. "You keep using the past tense," the man said, sounding so familiar, so like his old self.
Startled, Subaru let out a warm peal of laughter. "If you already know what I'm going to say…"
"I want to hear it."
"I love you," Subaru said simply. "Whether you believe in love or not…whether love really exists or not…I love you." His face turned serious. "I'm not like her. I don't want you to kill me…and I can't…I won't kill you."
"Truthfully, I doubt I could go mad with you around," Seishirou replied, just as serious. "With your wonderfully burnt food…and so many ways to exhaust me in bed…" He playfully poked Subaru in the chest.
Subaru blushed. But Seishirou's joking tone didn't bother him, even though he still wished…
It was selfish, but, he had to admit to himself that love was always a little bit selfish.
They got up, tired and wet and aching for the warmth of bed. Clumsily, they started walking back, and all the little answers came out, one by one.
His mother's picture he had hidden away after he killed her. Seishirou daintily picked it up form the mess of glass on the floor of the bedroom, a mess he'd created when he'd angrily thrown the picture into the wall.
He said, in true seriousness, that his first madness had come in the wake of her death, in the throes of his loneliness, and Subaru listened with wide eyes. In his madness, he had seen her face, and heard her voice, a hallucination born of a thousand memories and a desperate need and denial.
So, when he finally regained his senses, he'd taken it all down—all the pictures and the reminders, the things that might have triggered it anew.
He admitted that, when he'd awoken that morning to an empty bed, he had a desperate idea, a foolish one. He'd wanted to see her again.
Subaru's heart ached guiltily, but when he related his own adventure at the Sumeragi household, Seishirou's low laughter cheered him up.
They finally crawled into bed, and Subaru whispered, in a half-sleeping delirium, "Remember to wake me up at dawn, Sei."
Seishirou's arms crept around him. "Only if you promise me you'll stay in bed until then."
Subaru looked at him, groggily. "Of course," he said. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Do you know what tonight is?"
Subaru shook his head.
"Tonight is the winter solstice," Seishirou said. "The longest night of the year. Dawn will be only a few hours away from sunset."
Subaru sighed. What had he gotten himself into…?
He laid his head on the pillow. His thoughts drifted back, back to another night when he'd been lost and cold, waiting for the light of dawn that seemed so far away. A dark and long night, just like this one…
"…you."
Subaru blinked, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him. But, no, when he looked up, he saw Seishirou, looking at him, waiting for a response.
"Say that again," he said, his mind suddenly alert and…hoping, just once more.
"I think," Seishirou said slowly, and he reached over to run a hand over Subaru's hair, ruffling it for a moment before pulling back, "that I…"
His lips formed the words, and Subaru, stunned, had to take another moment to process them, and then another to believe them, and finally, a moment just to savor their sweetness.
"…I want to love you, Subaru."
Subaru wanted to cry, to laugh, to do all these things at once and more, but his mouth was dry, his throat ached, his eyes burned. He couldn't make a sound, and his body refused to move. He wanted to say, you didn't have to say this for me.
But when he looked into Seishirou's eyes and saw the barely-suppressed anxiety, the hesitant desire, and, yes, that familiar fear, he understood.
So he settled for a sweet, tender kiss on the mouth. One the quickly began to involve caresses, and warmth, and all those lovely things.
It was a beautiful night.
Author's notes: I've spent more of my life writing this chapter over the last two weeks than I've ever spent on…anything! And I can prove it, too—I have six or seven pages of stuff I discarded, rewrote, and rewrote again.
Oh, and in the meantime, I wrote two other stories that I…didn't quite feel comfortable putting up on this site.One was perverted (my lovely "Decadence"), and the other is just disturbing ("Bound"). Since I can't seem to put theURLs on this document, just go looking around at the Clampesque Board for "SakuraMiko." See, it's not like I was just being lazy… Oh, and the epilogue is…was…about half written. Granted, I may need to mess with it a lot, but it should be up relatively soon.
I regret that I wasn't able to go into Seishirou's past as much as I wanted. I spent all that time setting up the fact that… Wait, should I even reveal this? Oh, whatever. The pleasant fact that Seishirou's crazy "ghost" rant before was the result of his mother's death. She was the ghost, you see. Or hallucination. Alas, I couldn't manage to get it in there, so it became a random little tidbit at the end.
I'm so tired…
Very important! The theme for this chapter is:
"Winter" (from Yuki Kajiura's album, Fiction)
we're in the middle of the winter
and walking hand in hand
long time no see, but now you're here with me
to bless this icy land
if the night is dark and cold
I will warm you with my kiss
let me hold you in my arms again
and vow to stay with me
through the snow
I was always sad and cold
all alone, before we met
now you've taught me how to find the light
even in darkness of winter
we are wandering hand in hand
up and over hills of snow
we'll keep on walking through winter