10

Edward never returned to their room, though Bella wasn't surprised. She was in the middle of one of her 'meltdowns', as he put it. He was done with her, done with shit. She had failed him when she didn't find Elizabeth, ruining her for him in the process. Going under cover to stop Carlisle Cullen had been a mistake; Bella realized that now.

After sitting in the corner of her bedroom all night, Bella needed to escape the confines of her bedroom. She stripped off her clothes from the day before and pulled on a pair of ratty jeans and one of Edward's tees. She needed to be close to him, even if he didn't want anything to do with her anymore. Being quiet, she slipped out of her room and tiptoed downstairs. Just after six in the morning, the sun hadn't even peeked over the horizon yet.

Bella found Edward asleep on the couch in the living room. He had one arm over his eyes and his mouth was open as he snored. The white tee shirt he was wearing had shifted upward, showing just a sliver of skin. He'd removed his belt and shoes, leaving them on the floor next to him. It was a sign that he wasn't relaxed, that he was ready to rush off to the next emergency.

Bella wanted to crawl on top of him, to beg him to hold her, to forgive her for not being the wife he deserved. But she didn't. Instead, she left him asleep and walked out of the house, shivering as the early morning air wrapped around her.

She wanted to run again. To leave and not come back. That's not true. She wanted Leah, Jake, and Seth to leave and not come back. She wanted Edward to love her again, to hold her, to make everything okay, but that wasn't going to happen and she knew leaving wasn't an option. Instead, she headed for the barn, but when she walked inside, she found Leah standing in front of Daisy.

The woman who had once been her best friend turned and looked at her, her eyes widening and her lips curving upward into a smile. "Bella."

"Hey," Bella said, breathlessly. "What . . . What are you doing in here?"

"Couldn't sleep. It's too quiet out here. Got used to cars driving by, and the sound of the city. We were just outside of Houston, in case you were wondering. Probably weren't, though. You stopped caring about me."

"That's not true."

Leah gave Bella a doubtful look. "The big guy, Ernie or something, said you have horses, so I thought I'd come see them."

"Emmett. His name is Emmett. Where's Jake?"

"Asleep, I guess," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Isn't that where everyone is right now? All snug in their beds, peaceful and content. But not me, and not you."

Bella hummed and turned to leave, but stopped when she heard Leah moving behind her. She turned back, shocked to find Leah with bottle of what looked like whiskey in her hands. Bella didn't have any alcohol in her house. After watching what it did to her father, she refused to touch the stuff.

"Where'd you get that?" Bella asked, tilting her head toward the liquor.

"I stole it from a shitty convenience store in Kentucky, or Tennessee. I don't really know, or care," she giggled, taking another swig before offering it to Bella. "What some? I'll share with my BFF."

"No, thank you."

"More for me, I guess." Leah took another hearty swig before shuddering and laughing. "Shit, this stuff burns like a motherfucker, but damn, it tastes good."

Bella just stood there, unsure of how to respond. Liquor never helped. Only made situations worse, turned people into assholes who sold their daughters to monsters to be used as sex slaves and then turned their attention on said daughter's best friend, ruining any chance of a friendship. Or Bella might be projecting her own experiences.

"I've missed you, Bella," Leah said, flopping down on top of a wooden crate. "Did you miss me?"

"Yes," she lied.

"Do you miss Daddy?" Leah asked, and Bella felt her shoulders tense. "He loves his little Bella, doesn't he? Loves to touch her, loves to kiss her, loves to fuck her. Daddy was a mean lover, made sure his little Bella knew where she belonged."

Bella's heart was racing as she and Leah stood opposite of each other. The Leah she knew would never try to hurt her like this, but then again, the Bella she'd known growing up would never have killed a man, either.

Leah's smiled widened, almost like she could see inside Bella's soul, but before she could say anything more, they heard Jake yell, "Leah!"

"She's in here," Bella screamed, her hands curling into fists as she moved from inside the doorway. Moments later, he and Edward burst into the barn, their eyes traveling from Bella to Leah, who was still just sitting there.

"Leah, honey, what are you doing out here?" Jake asked, slowly walking toward her with his hands out in front of him. "Why don't you give me the bottle, and we can go back to the house, have something to eat?"

For a moment, Bella worried that Leah was going to refuse him, that she would throw the bottle at him, or smash it against the wood beams and use the glass shards to cut Jake, but she sighed and held the bottle out to him. Jake took it and held it behind him toward Edward, who took it immediately. Jake wrapped Leah in his arms and shuffled her toward the doorway of the barn.

"Sorry, B," he said, quietly, but it was the way Leah watched her that kept Bella from being able to reply. There was a darkness in her eyes that scared her. Maybe she hadn't saved Leah from Hell after all.

Edward waited until the two of them had left the barn before he poured the rest of the whiskey out, tossing the bottle into the trash can. He then shifted his attention to Bella. "Did she hurt you?"

Bella shook her head, knowing that she was lying. Leah's words had hurt, but it was nothing less than she deserved.

"What are you doing out here so early?"

"I . . . I don't know," she murmured, wrapping her arms around her torso.

"You don't know why you're in the barn at six in the morning?"

Once again, she shook her head.

"Jesus Christ, Bella, will you talk to me?"

"What do you want me to say?" she asked. "I couldn't be inside that room anymore, and I can't stay inside my own house, not with her in there. If I leave the ranch, you're just going to send Jasper after me. I . . . I just don't know what to do."

"Just talk to me," he begged, reaching for her, but she pulled away. "Why won't you let me be here for you?"

"Because you aren't here for me," she said. "You're here for Leah and Alice and Jake and Seth, and everyone else inside that house that needs you, but not me."

"I am, or I'm trying to be, but you keep pushing me away."

"It's easier to push you away than begging you to . . ." Clamping her lips together, she felt nails digging into the palms of her hands.

"Begging me to what?" Edward put his hands in the air as he took a step toward her. "Beg me to do what, Bella?"

"To love me again," she whispered.

"You think I don't love you anymore?"

Nodding, tears trickled down her face and she cursed herself for being weak, for letting her emotions show.

"Oh, honey, I've fucked things up bad, haven't I?"

Bella didn't reply, so when Edward's hands covered hers and he pulled her arms down between them, she was unable to keep from sobbing.

"I love you, Bella. I have since the moment I saw you in front of the school."

"Then why is saving just me not enough?" she cried. "Why do you have to save her, too?"

"Because I couldn't stop you from going through hell and I haven't been able to save Elizabeth, and, Goddamn it, Bella, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore."

"Neither do I," she admitted, slipping her hands out from his and taking a step backward as she wiped her tears away. "For the past year, I've kept everything inside, pushed it away, because it was easier that way. But now — now I feel out of control and . . ."

"And?" he pressed, raising an eyebrow.

"Lost," she admitted. "I feel lost and unneeded and pathetic and guilty."

"Guilty?" he asked, appearing shocked. "Why do you feel guilty?"

"Because I wasn't strong enough to fight him," she whispered. Confessing her sins, admit her weakness, was harder than she imagined. Especially to him.

"But you did fight him, Bella. You fucking killed him."

"But not until after he took everything from me," she exclaimed. "I was stupid and naïve, I guess. I thought I was strong enough to handle the things he'd do, but I wasn't. He took my hope, my dreams, my future."

"No, honey, no." Edward reached for her, but she pulled back.

"Don't touch me," she cried, putting her hands up in front of me. "I can't . . . I can't handle that right now."

"Okay, okay, I won't," he said, sliding backward. "Tell me how to make everything better."

"Leave with me," she whispered and when he inhaled, she knew he'd heard her. "Just me and you. Let's leave and never look back. We can start over in France or Brazil, or Iowa. Just anywhere but here."

"We can't do that," he said.

"Why not?" she begged. "Why can't you and I just walk away? We can live the rest of our lives as Edward and Anna Masen. Just two married people living life and . . . and being happy."

"I want that so much. More than you'll ever know, but we can't abandon our post."

"Of course we can't," she muttered, wrapping her arms around her torso. "Tell me again how I'm your number one priority."

"You are my priority, Bella, but I've made a commitment to Alice and Aro, to Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Ben, Ang, Tyler, and everyone else who had pleaded their support to Eclipse. It's not fair to ask me to walk away like this."

"None of this is fair," she whimpered as she turned and walked toward the door. Bella paused in the entrance and looked back at him. "I love you, Edward. I always will, but it's time you choose me or them."

Bella wandered into the pasture, unsure where she was heading, but knowing that she couldn't trap herself inside the house, not with Leah in there. For the first time in the past year that she'd been free, Bella was truly afraid for her life.