Hi loves!
Soooo my computer has to go to the repair shop tomorrow because my spacebar key is sticking and driving me up the wall. In case you are wondering, it's VERY hard, no, it's IMPOSSIBLE, to type anything when the spacebar sticks! Oy vey. I promise it almost made me throw it against the wall and hope it would shatter into a million pieces earlier today.
But, alas, I didn't throw it at all and instead made an appointment to save it and me. I'm updating a day early because I think I'll have to leave it overnight. Don't want to, but...I can't have a sticking spacebar key. I just can't.
AND it's MPerry's birthday, another good reason to update, right? :)
By the way, I'll have another chapter for Jukebox Hero soon too, it's nearly done. In a day or so. :)
I hope you all are staying safe and well in this horrible world we're living in right now. It's a rough one out there... :-/. I appreciate all the reviews and I'm loving our little community here and on Twitter! So, if you're not already, come join us. I'm crokkk2!
Tell me what you think when you get to the end? :) Much love!
Monday, May 10, 1999 – 7:19 PM
Chandler turned the corner and loosened his necktie as he walked towards his apartment. He purposely didn't look at apartment 20, he hadn't all weekend. He stopped at his own door as he heard his friend's muffled voices on the other side.
It was typical of them to hang out in 20, but this was one of the rare times that the gang gathered in apartment 19. He sighed and rolled his eyes.
He simply wasn't in the mood. Hadn't been.
The day at work was horrible. He had a ton of work to catch up on and his assistant was in one of those non-stop complaining moods that he hated. He didn't have time to go out for lunch and the restaurant that he ordered from and had delivered got his order completely wrong. And he couldn't get his mind off Monica to focus on anything, which stretched the endless work even more.
He couldn't even muster the energy to pay much attention to the cute blonde girl that tried flirting with him in the break room as he poured himself the fifth or sixth cup of coffee.
He opened apartment 19's and put down his briefcase. He loosened his tie a bit more and then gave them all a little wave.
"Hey Chandler," Rachel said but turned her attention back to Ross, who was in the middle of some sort of story.
"So, what happened?" Joey asked. Chandler glanced at Monica, who he hadn't seen since Thursday night, the night they argued. She was already looking back at him, but she turned her head away. He groaned softly and opened his refrigerator, selecting a beer and twisting the cap off with ease.
He moved to the circle of them and leaned against the counter, then took a long sip as he tried to focus on whatever Ross was saying, "…So I race to the airport, and I tell her that I love her, and she says, 'thank you.'"
"Thank you?" Monica asked, confusion on her face, "Why would she say thank you?"
Ross sighed dramatically, "I don't know but it's killing me, you know?"
"Maybe she doesn't feel the same way," Chandler said, causing all of them to look at him. He purposely didn't meet her eyes this time, "Maybe she's seeing someone else when she goes back home and doesn't think you are relationship material," he said.
If they were alone at that moment, she would've given him a fist banging for saying that. That was his not-so-subtle way of talking about her, and she knew it.
All of them turned to Chandler then, each of their faces displayed a look of shock and confusion, except Monica's, which had a touch of anger embedded on it.
"Chandler!" Phoebe scolded and Chandler looked over at his blonde friend, "Stop saying things like that. You know how sensitive Ross is."
The paleontologist looked over at her, "Hey! I'm not sensitive," he whined, then looked over at Joey, "am I too sensitive?"
Chandler ignored them and finally looked up at Monica again. She was already staring at him, her eyes narrowed slightly. He kept his eyes on her as he took a sip of his beer.
She had avoided him over the weekend. She felt like she didn't have much to say because he apparently had feelings for her that she didn't have for him.
But there was one problem with that...she couldn't, for the life of her, get him off of her mind. Even when she was having dinner with Richard, or kissing Richard, she thought about Chandler.
God, she needed some serious help. Why couldn't she get over their night together? She'd accused Chandler of pushing her away because he couldn't get over the fact that they had sex when she was the one who couldn't get over it.
He was sad, upset, grieving the loss of his grandmother. And they'd had too much liquor. He wanted it, wanted her. And honestly, in the moment, she wanted him too.
His touch, his kiss, his voice did something to her. She was drunk, but not only because of the liquor, but with desire for him. She'd never felt like that before.
But she had to get over it. She didn't want to lose him as a friend, and as wonderful as he was, she couldn't picture a long future with Chandler.
She tried then to picture a life with Richard and was puzzled when she couldn't. Her brain was royally screwed up.
She shook her head at him and finally broke the stare, then tried to focus back on the sob story from her brother.
The night continued on, with glances between Monica and Chandler all night long. Through pizza and a game of cards, Chandler didn't make much effort to be himself, and it didn't go unnoticed.
"All right guys, goodnight," Joey said as he waved at Rachel and Monica as they headed across the hall a few hours later.
"Dude," he said to Chandler, his arms open. He walked towards his roommate, who was already walking towards his bedroom, "What is your problem?"
"What are you talking about?" Chandler asked and stuck his hands in his pockets.
"You're acting so weird," Joey responded, "you hardly said a word to us all night."
He shrugged a shoulder, "Didn't have much to say."
Joey sighed and stepped up to him, "What's wrong? Did something happen between you Phoebe?"
Chandler lifted an eyebrow, "Phoebe?"
"Yeah, you hardly looked at her and she was upset about it. She's pregnant and has triple the emotions of a normal woman. You hardly paid attention to her, or any of us, now tell me what's up."
"Nothing's up, Joe. I'm just…"
"Yeah, well she's not the only one who noticed," Joey cut in, "Ross and Rachel have asked me what's going on with you too, so, tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help fix it."
"Things are fine," he responded, "I'll apologize to Phoebe. Nothing has happened with me and her," he swallowed and shook his head, "I didn't mean to hurt her feelings."
"You've been avoiding everybody for like a week, man, so we know something's wrong. We know you, man." Joey tapped his friend's shoulder when Chandler wouldn't look at him, "Tell me what's wrong," Joey repeated when Chandler finally made eye contact, stubbornly refusing to let it go.
Chandler shook his head, "I can't." He looked down at his crossed arms, "I can't talk about it, and I don't really want to, anyway, so, just…leave it alone, okay?"
"Is it just because you lost your grandmother?"
Chandler's eyes met his friend's again, and he sighed. Yes, he missed Nanna already, and knowing that Thursday was coming up and he wouldn't get to hear her voice was eating him from the inside out. But losing Nanna wasn't the reason for his mood, and there was no way he was going to blame it on his grandmother.
He cleared his throat and shook his head, "No," he answered softly. He rubbed his face and took a few steps to one of the recliners. He sat down heavily and rubbed his forehead, then leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "Nanna was an old woman, and she lived a great life. Yes, I miss her, but that's not…" he trailed off.
Joey sat down in the other chair and turned it towards Chandler, "Then what is it?" Joey prodded.
He groaned a little and rubbed his hands together. He thought about the last few months.
He'd watched her, made jokes just to see her laugh, sat next to her every chance he got, made up reasons just to see her, touched her whenever he could make it seem casual.
He scoffed at himself, shaking his head. He heard the song echoing in his head. Mickey Thomas knew what words to sing to describe exactly what happened to him. "I fooled around and fell in love," he said softly. He finally looked up at Joey, who lifted an eyebrow in confusion.
"Since when?"
Chandler rubbed his face with both hands, "I don't know," he said honestly. He didn't. He didn't know when it happened, it just did. Now, he wished it hadn't.
Joey looked around, looking for answers as if they were on the wall for a second. He turned back to his roommate, "Who are you in love with?" he asked, a serious look on his face.
Chandler licked his lips and shook his head at himself. Sometimes even he didn't believe it, and he really didn't expect his roommate to believe it either.
"If you say it's Janice," Joey started, his teeth gritted together, his hand pointing at Chandler, "I swear I'm gonna come over there and smack you."
"God, no, Joe, it's not Janice," Chandler replied. He was honestly surprised that Joey didn't already know who he was in love with. He guessed that meant that he hid it well, and maybe he could continue to do that to the rest of the world, now that she was with someone else.
But maybe if he could tell Joey and get some of this weight off his shoulders, he would feel better.
He sighed and looked down at his hands. He wasn't sure if he wanted to see Joey's face when he told him. "Monica," he finally said, "it's Monica."
"Geller?" Joey asked, a trademark mix of shock and confusion on his face.
Chandler chuckled at that. He didn't feel like he needed to affirm that it was Monica Geller because he knew that she was the only Monica that either of them knew. He only looked down at his shoes as a response to him.
"Did something happen on your trip with her?" Joey finally asked, the surprised expression still all over his face.
Chandler sighed, stood, and walked over to the refrigerator. After he got another beer out of it and twisted it open, he moved to lean back against the counter as he took a long sip. He shut his eyes for a moment before he looked at his friend again, "My grandmother wanted to know our love story, I guess. She uh, she wanted to hear about our first date, about our first kiss and about how I proposed. Monica and I came up with a story for each event and then Nanna wanted to see us kiss."
Joey made a face, "She what?"
Chandler shrugged a shoulder, "Yeah. Monica and I both thought It was weird. Mon was so sweet though and told me to just kiss her so that it would make Nanna happy. I was so reluctant to do it, but then I kissed her…" he trailed off, shaking his head as the hair stood up on the back of his neck, "something inside of me clicked. I've never kissed like that."
Joey grinned at him, "So, she's a good kisser, huh?"
Chandler shook his head at how much of an understatement that was, "Yeah."
"So, let me understand this, you kissed her once and now you think you're in love with her? That doesn't mean anything, I've kissed Phoebe several times."
Chandler shook his head, "No, it's more than that. I was in love with her before," he admitted not only to Joey, but to himself, "it's been a while. When Kathy and I broke up, and she was there for me then too, I started to admit to myself that I had a crush on her."
He took another sip of his beer as he tried to remember himself falling for her, "Of course, I've always thought she was great, beautiful, sexy, smart, and funny," he stopped, then took a breath. He could sit here and list every single quality that he loved about her, but he didn't have that kind of energy or time. He looked over at Joey, who just stared at him, listening intently, "I've always told myself that she is seriously out of my league. She'd never go for me." He licked his lips and took a steadying breath, "I guess I was right." He added softly, then looked away again as he drank some of the beer.
Joey stood from his chair then and nudged Chandler on his arm, "Hey, why do you say that?"
"When I got back I…" he stopped and shook his head, "I wanted to talk to her, maybe take her out on a date and start up something, a relationship."
Joey's eyes met his friend's pained ones. He sighed and nodded, "But she is back with Richard," he voiced so that Chandler wouldn't have to.
Chandler only nodded in return.
"What else happened?" Joey asked him.
His beer bottle went up as Chandler took a long swig of it, hoping Joey wouldn't press the issue of what else happened. He didn't want to tell him.
A large part of him wanted to keep that to himself, to hold onto that memory of sex perfection, since that was surely the only time he'd ever get to make love to her.
It wasn't that he thought Joey would tell the others, because he knew Joey wouldn't if he asked him not to. He'd hate it, but he wouldn't say a word, but there was something about telling him that made Chandler queasy.
"How was the sex?"
Chandler snapped his head up to look at his roommate, confused. Had he said it out loud? "What?" He asked.
Joey smirked at him knowingly, "I asked how the sex was."
"Did she tell you?" His heartbeat sped up at the thought of Monica telling his roommate that they'd slept together. They had agreed not to tell anyone, so if she told Joey, she probably told Rachel and Phoebe too.
He grinned bigger, "No, I thought I was right from the guilty look on your face," he said, "and now, you just confirmed it."
Chandler sighed and took in a deep breath. Of course, the sex expert Joey would know, "Yeah, we slept together," he finally admitted.
He leaned over and hit Chandler's arm, "Come on, give me the details! Is she as good as I've dreamt up?"
Chandler pressed his lips together as memories of that early morning came to the forefront of his mind yet again. He stupidly let himself think about her skin, her lips, her voice, her taste…
"God, Joe," he said softly, shaking his head, trying desperately to push it away again. He didn't need to continue doing this to himself. He wouldn't get to do anything like that again with her, so he needed to move on, get over it and try to be a normal guy again.
He looked up at his roommate again, who was staring back at him, waiting on answer, "It was mind-blowing."
That's it. That's all he could think of to say to describe sex with Monica, and it still didn't describe it well enough.
"Yeah?" Joey asked, nudging his arm more, "Come on, more details!"
Normally, Chandler would've bragged all day long about the fantastic sex, but he didn't want to give him any fuel to imagine it when he saw Monica. "No," he cut his eyes at him, "this wasn't just some girl," he said, "I'm not gonna give you every little detail. You see her every day."
"So?"
"So I don't want you picturing it," Chandler said sharply, then walked to the Barcalounger again and sat down heavily.
Joey nodded at him and tried to hide his disappointed face, "Okay, fine, I get that," he joined Chandler in the living room and sat down in the other recliner. He studied his friend's tired, distraught face. He knew whatever these feelings he had for Monica were bad, worse than bad. He'd never seen him act like this.
"So did you tell her how you feel about her?"
Chandler scoffed at the question and picked at the label on the beer bottle. He ran a hand over his face and shook his head, "We argued Thursday night after I came back here. I told you guys that I was tired, but I just wanted to get away from her and him. I didn't want to see them together anymore."
Joey nodded and stayed quiet, waiting on him to continue, "Anyway, I didn't really want to talk to her, not after that, but she came over here anyway. I tried to tell her that it didn't matter what I had to say, and she kept insisting that I tell her, so I did. I told her that I wanted to be with her."
"What did she say to that?" Joey asked.
Chandler swallowed and shook his head again, "Just that our friendship is too important, and she was worried that she'd lose me if it didn't work out. She said she wanted stability and Richard wants to marry her soon and have kids with her, and she loves him."
Joey furrowed his eyebrows together, "So you didn't tell her that you are in love with her?"
Chandler shook his head again, "No. I didn't think it mattered anymore. And it doesn't. She chose who she wants to be with, and he's probably the better guy anyway.
Joey sat back in his chair, "Dude, shut up."
He looked at his roommate, "What?"
"Stop saying that," Joey replied, "you are a great guy. Why would you say that Richard is," he stopped and put the next word into quotation marks with his hands, "better than you?"
"Come on man," Chandler said, and stood from the chair again so that he could pace, "he's a fucking doctor. He's successful, he's rich, he's sophisticated, he's mature, he's into shit like art," he gestured wildly with his hands, "I can't blame her for wanting him so badly. He's the prince compared to a chump like me, the stable boy."
"No, stop that," Joey said, pointing his finger at him, "stop blaming yourself."
"She doesn't want me," Chandler replied, "she just wants to remain my friend." He shut his eyes, "Honestly, Joe, I don't know if I can do that with her anymore."
"Do what?" Joey asked.
He sighed, "Be her friend."
"Chandler…"
He shook his head again, "Things are different," he said quietly, "how can I go back to the way it was before?"
"Figure it out," Joey said, his voice slightly louder, "you have known her for so many years, man. Be her friend and be there for her when her relationship with him ends."
"Okay, say I do that Joe. I continue to be her friend and watch her fall in love with him again and marry him and get pregnant with his baby? I don't want to watch that. I don't want to see her marry someone else. I can't…"
Joey felt his mouth fall open a little in shock, "You've thought of marrying her?"
Chandler pressed his eyes shut for a long, silent moment. He'd already told his roommate so much actuality, there was no point in being dishonest to him now. He opened his eyes and nodded at Joey, "Yeah," he finally said.
Because his friend was hurting, he didn't want to act as floored about what Chandler just said as he felt on the inside. "You gotta tell her," Joey insisted.
"No," Chandler replied, "she has a boyfriend and she loves him."
Joey tilted his head at him, "We both know Richard isn't going to want kids in a month, and Monica is going to break up with him again. Just give him some time to screw it up."
"I don't think that's gonna happen this time," Chandler argued softly, "Monica seemed pretty sure he is her happily ever after."
Joey shook his head, "So what are you going to do?
Chandler sighed and shrugged his shoulders, "Nothing," he said finally, "she made her decision. There is nothing I can do about that."
He scratched the back of his head and put the beer bottle down on the table next to the recliners, "I'm going to bed."
"Chandler…"
He put up his hand and shook his head, "Look, please, just, keep this all to yourself, okay? Monica and I agreed not to tell anybody, and I don't want the rest of them to grill me with a thousand questions and talk about us constantly."
"You need to tell her that you're in love with her."
"No, I don't. Goodnight, Joe."
"She needs to know," Joey argued, but his roommate didn't stop the walk into his bedroom, "you should tell her."
Chandler only shook his head again, "There's no point," he said to Joey, then shut his door and flopped back on his bed, "there's no point," he whispered again as he stared at the ceiling.
Thursday, May 13, 1999 – 9:19 PM
"Thank you for a lovely dinner," Monica said, walking with Richard up the stairs in her apartment building.
He smiled at her and took her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers, "You're welcome sweetheart, I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, a smile on his face.
She smiled as they rounded the corner and headed to her door. She glanced at apartment 19's door quickly, she couldn't help herself.
She missed him.
He was back in New York, back home, back to being her neighbor, but it seemed as if he wasn't. He was avoiding her.
She made herself snap out of it and dig in her purse for her keys. She found them and unlocked her door, "Monica?"
She moved her eyes to his, "Hmm?"
He lifted an eyebrow at her and repeated the question, "Do you find it hard not to criticize other chefs cooking since you know so much about food and flavors?"
She turned to him and nodded, "Sometimes, particularly if the food isn't good. But that restaurant is highly rated and very good, so no criticization is needed."
He stuck his hands in his pockets as opened the door, "Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?" She asked softly.
He grinned, stepped closer, then leaned down to kiss her, "I'd love a cup of coffee."
She smiled at him and swallowed nervously, moving her eyes from his gaze. She really was just inviting him in to have a cup of coffee, but she knew he probably was thinking about other things.
She licked her lips as she thought about the delicious coffee Chandler made. She wanted to taste it again.
Or, really, she would prefer to taste him again.
She shivered as pulled down the canister of coffee and cleared her throat as she scooped some of the grounds into the coffee maker. She wondered how Chandler was doing. She hadn't seen him or spoken to him in several days, and she didn't like that.
But today was Thursday, and he had said that Nanna always called him on Thursdays. She wondered how he was handling that. What if he needed someone to talk to, or hug, or...kiss?
She shut her eyes for a second, then pinched the bridge of her nose. She had to snap out of it. It wasn't fair to Richard for her to think things like that. She shook her head at herself and put the lid back on the coffee canister, then slid it back into its place on the shelf.
She watched as the coffee maker whirred and began dispensing the hot brown liquid into the glass pot. She wondered if she should call him. It was a little silly, because they lived 10 feet from each other, but maybe he'd talk to her if he wasn't face to face with her.
She gasped moments later when she felt Richard's large hands on her hips. She hadn't heard him walk up behind her.
His mustache scratched her neck as he bent down and placed kisses all over the back it. She'd worn her hair in an updo, and suddenly wished it was down so that his mustache wouldn't be poking the sensitive skin of her neck now.
"Why don't we wait until later for the coffee?" He asked lowly as he traveled with his kisses to below her ear.
Monica swallowed and looked up at him, "What?" She asked, suddenly very nervous.
She didn't have the butterflies she used to have when he touched her, which confused the hell out of her. She used to crave him and want to be with him all the time.
Now, here he was, in her kitchen, touching her and kissing her neck and wanting her, but she only was nervous and jumpy around him.
He turned her around and smiled down at her, "Let's wait until later for the coffee," he said again, his thick eyebrows bounced up and down suggestively.
She licked her lips and tried to cover up her nervousness with a smile, "Okay," she said, letting out a breath.
He smiled again and leaned down to kiss her, "Bedroom?" He asked against her lips.
She squeezed his hand and let out a shaky breath, "Why don't you head in there and I'll meet you in just a second?"
He furrowed his eyebrows together, "You okay?" He asked softly.
She looked away from him and chuckled softly, "Yeah," she met his eyes, "I just want to freshen up," she said, and smiled at him again, "go ahead."
"Okay," he said and kissed her again before he turned and headed towards her bedroom.
She hurried into her bathroom and closed the door, her breathing quick, her heart thumping in her chest. She felt like she was going to be sick.
What was wrong with her? Why didn't she want to do this?
She squeezed her eyes shut and gripped both sides of the sink, took deep breaths and tried to calm herself down.
She could do this. She could get her mind off Chandler and onto Richard, the guy she was dating. She could be here with him, and be in his arms, and make love with him.
"Snap out of it, Monica," she whispered to herself. She took in and let out a deep, calming breath. She stood up straight and wiped at the mascara in the corner of her eyes, "You can do this," she told her reflection.
She adjusted her bra and smoothed down her shirt before she left the bathroom and headed to her bedroom. She shut the door and locked it, then made her way over to the bed.
Richard smiled at her and stood from her bed, walking over to her, "You sure you're alright?" He asked her again.
She nodded at him, "I'm fine," she said, a small smile on her face.
"Let me make you feel even better," he whispered, a smile beneath his mustache as he leaned down and kissed her.
His tongue darted into her mouth, and he continued the kiss for several seconds. His mustache scraped her upper lip again, so she pulled backward to break the kiss and kissed his cheek, moving her hands up his broad back. He grunted and wrapped his arm around her back as he scooped her up into his arms. He walked over to the bed and lay her down on it. He kissed her cheek and began to work his way down to her neck.
His hand ran up her body, over her hip, and to the top button of her blouse. He slowly unbuttoned it and moved from her neck and began to kiss the newly exposed skin on her chest.
She shut her eyes and tried to make herself be in the moment.
But she couldn't do it.
She could only think of Chandler and his desirous eyes as he made love to her in Colorado. She wondered if she'd ever feel that feeling again.
She didn't think it was just the sex, she was pretty sure it was because it was sex with Chandler.
She let out a shaky breath, which Richard mistook for pleasure and not nervousness. He continued his way down her collarbone, his mustache scraping and poking her skin with each kiss.
"Still so beautiful," he murmured against her skin as his hand traveled up and continued to unbutton her blouse.
She shut her eyes and gripped his shoulders, now thinking about Chandler's words to her as he ran his hands all over her body, "You are so fucking beautiful, Mon,". Tears sprang to her eyes again. He was so sweet, kind, and so very passionate. More passionate than she ever thought that he was before, because he'd put it in her mind that he wasn't through his self deprecation.
"Richard," she breathed, and he moaned in response, so she put her hands on his chest. She moved her head further away from him as she pushed slightly on his chest, "No, wait," she whispered.
He furrowed his eyebrows together at the sad, lost look on her face, "Oh, honey," he said, shaking his head, "what's wrong?"
She shook her head back at him as the tears that were in the corner of her eyes finally found an escape route, "I just...I need more time," she finally said, "I think, um," she sighed and shook her head again, "I think this is moving too fast for me."
"Why are you crying?" He asked as he lifted his hand and wiped one of them away from her face.
She shook her head and gazed up at him, "It's nothing, I'm fine," she replied again, but he tilted his head as if he didn't buy that. She sighed and gestured to her head, "I just have a lot going on in here," she told him.
"About me?" He asked as he touched her cheek gently.
She gazed up at him, "Some of it," she admitted softly.
He sighed and nodded, then sat up as he looked over at her, "Okay, I'm sorry," he said. She let out a relieved sigh and sat up behind him. She placed a kiss on his shoulder, through the fabric of his dress shirt, "Did I hurt you that badly before?" He asked and she turned her head in confusion.
"What?" She asked, surprised.
He turned to her, "Did I hurt you when we broke up before so much that you don't trust me anymore?"
She swallowed, cleared her throat, and looked down at her bed sheet before meeting his eyes, "Getting over you was the hardest thing I ever had to do," she admitted, "I'm not sure I can do it again."
"Hey, that's what you're worried about?"
She met his eyes again and cracked a tiny smile, "Well, one of the things," she answered.
"You're not going to have to get over me again," he promised, "I'm here, and I'm yours." She looked away from him now, down at the bedsheet again. He lifted a hand and cupped her chin to bring her eyes back to his, "But, listen, we don't have to rush anything, okay? I want you to be comfortable with me and trust me like you did before. If that takes time, then it takes time," he nodded at her and rubbed her chin softly, "I can wait. You just let me know when you're ready, no matter how long it takes."
She smiled at him and leaned forward to kiss his cheek, "Thank you," she said. He nodded and squeezed her knee.
"How about that cup of coffee?"
She nodded at him again and buttoned her shirt before scooting off the bed, a wave of relief taking over her body.
She assumed that this want for Chandler, this need for him, was because she hadn't seen him, or talked to him, in several days. Maybe she should go over there and clear the air, at least talk some things out so she could get on with her life and with Richard.
Or try to.