Hermione had dreaded this moment since she had first agreed to help Sirius. She needed to tell him about the circumstances of Lily and James Potters' death and about the consequences the events had had for Sirius. When she sat on his bed again, facing him and his trusting eyes, she thought about backing out and telling him something, anything that would hurt him less.
Now she could understand Harry's motivation to spare his godfather the knowledge of his past better than ever. But she had started to walk him down that road and she knew that, in the end it would lead to recovery for him.
"So I understand that there was a spy right inside the Order?" Sirius had listened to Hermione's words with rapt attention.
"Yes. And this person betrayed Harry's parents' whereabouts to Voldemort. In fact, it turned out that some people in Harry's parents' inner circle already suspected that somebody was passing inforamtion to Voldemort."
"But then – why were they running around, blabbing the location of their hiding place to everybody."
Hermione sighed. There was no way of postponing this any further. "They didn't. Only very few people knew where they were about to hide. In fact, as far as I know, only Dumbledore, James and Lily themselves and their secret keeper. They chose one person to whom they confided their secret, so that it would be save inside this person. Voldemort could have kept searching forever, unless the secret keeper told him, he would never have been able to find Harry's parents."
"So, they chose the wrong person? They were betrayed by their own secret keeper? Who was it? Are they still alive?" Sirius gaze never left Hermione's eyes.
"Well, they chose the right person at first, but then, they switched at the very last moment. They switched to the spy." Hermione still shuddered at the thought of the circumstances she herself had heard this story for the first time. "The man who betrayed Lily and James was Peter Pettigrew. One of James' three best friends at school. The other two, were, as you know, Remus and you."
Sirius stared at her: "No. I don't believe this. But how come they didn't know he was the spy? Why did they decide to switch to him?"
"Everyone was suspecting everyone to be the spy at this time, Sirius. And Peter was supposed to be a brilliant bluff, because he seemed not likely to be a very effective defender of a that important secret in the first place. At first, they had chosen – you."
Hermione watched Sirius and hoped against hope that he would be acting senibly, but –
His eyes suddenly became empty, he shook his head without noticing of doing so. Hermione wanted to explain, but he raised his hand to silence her: "So it was my fault. I was not brave enough to stand up for them and that's because Harry has no parents –" his voice died away.
Hermione felt horrible seeing him so hopeless and for a fleeting moment she wished that she had not started the whole conversation, but then she shook her head determinedly: "No, Sirius, it was definitely not your fault. Listen, you would have done anything for them, you would have died to save them, youwould have willingly given your life for their safety. Nobody knew about Pettigrew. In fact I think, everyone underestimated him, because nobody thought that he could have so much ruthlessness and foolishness inside him. It was not your fault at all!" Desperately she waved her hands, wishing for some proof to appear out of thin air, something that would help him understand. But everything Hermione found was the lingering threat of what was still to be told.
Sirius had buried his face inside his hands. He felt his mind racing. There were so many questions and doubts crammed into his head. Somehow he had even started to imagine pictures of the scenes Hermione had just told him about. The face of a younger, very concerned Albus Dumbledore swam before his eyes, Lily, holding her young son, James, telling him to go and hide himself. He shook his head to get rid of thouse flashes.
And there were more questions: Why did Hermione tell him that he was not responsible for his friends' death, when it seemed so obvious? Why was she still on his side, trying to convince him that he was a good person, when he had been a fool and a coward? He was sinking deeper and deeper into those questions, when her voice dragged him into reality again.
"Sirius? Are you alright? Is there anything I can do?" When he looked at her, he thought for a moment that he had found an anwer to his questions. There, in her eyes was an expression, that had nothing to do with concern. She was looking right into his soul, obviously trying hard to work out how she could help him, and this calmed him. He knew that she would be there, that he could tell her whatever thought would wander his mind.
Sirius swallowed. "Yes, thank you, I – I just don't know how to deal with this, I mean, even if it was not my fault, they where my friends, and they are dead now. And their killer is still hunting Harry."
"But now you are here to protect him." Hermione said in a quiet voice. "And you have no idea how much this would have meant to Lily and James."
Sirius felt it again, the urge to reach out for her, to be close to her, because he felt unable to express his feelings with words. "Hermione, what happended then?" His eyes were turned onto the bed, avoiding hers, because he could not trust his self control.
"I – Sirius, I don't … Don't you think, that this was enough for tonight?" Hermione tried hard to keep her voice steady. She wanted nothing more than to stay here with Sirius, talking to him. She wanted to make sure that he was OK with his new gained knowledge. But her instinct told her to go and she convinced herself to believe that it was only fear of telling him about the next steps of his own story and that the tension she felt rising between them again was only due to their tragic subject.
"No." he answered flatly. "Please don't go, Hermione, I could not stand you leaving tonight – " he suddenly realised how this sounded – just like he had meant it, in every possible way. Sirius hurriedly added: "I mean, I need to know what happened to me next. Please tell me, there are so many questions I need to have answered."
Hermione decided to argue, but from the moment her heart had started beating like mad at the tone in Sirius' voice when he had asked her to stay, she knew that she was fighting a loosing battle. She could not possibly leave him like this. And after all, she thought he needed to understand his story as a whole, so there was no point in tearing it apart at this crucial point.
"I will stay with you." Hearing herself say these word, Hermione swore to herself, that she would not give in to anything she might have felt or still feel for the man sitting in front of her. She needed to be strong and help him, further disarray and drama were the last things Sirius needed right now.
And she told him. She told him about how he had set out for Peter right after he had discovered Peter had betrayed his friends. About how he had found the spy and cornered him, determined to kill him. And about how Peter had gotten the better of him, about how he had managed to escape with no greater sacrifice than his index, while Sirius himself was left with all the apparent guilt on his shoulders, not only for Harry's parents' deaths, but also for a mass-killing of several Muggles and his good friend Peter Pettigrew.
"Peter layed all the blame on you. And everyone was bound to believe it, even the Order, they believed you had killed Peter, because he had cornered you."
Sirius felt numb, his head suddenly empty. He didn't understand what she was telling him, did this mean that he had been on the run for the last fifteen years? And why was he with everybody else now? And he asked Hermione: "What did I do then?"
There it was. The question Hermione had known he would be asking. She felt weak again, even thought about to run for it, to run from him in order to protect him – and herself from havin g to tel him the truth. She closed her eyes, pondering her words. Then she looked straight at Sirius.
"They caught you. The Ministry did catch you right on the spot. You received a life sentence in Azkaban. You were imprisoned for twelve years. Only three years ago, you managed to break out, in order to save Harry's life from Peter Pettigrew."
Sirius felt his ears ringing, he had lost track of Hermione's words after 'twelve years'. He heard her voice, but nothig she said made sense. He had been imprisoned. He had not been able to help Harry through his parentless childhood. He had not been able to help the Order catch the remainings of Lord Voldemort's following. His life had been waisted away in a cell. Sirius felt his knees hit the floor as he broke down, darkness surrounded him –
Hermione watched him
helplessly. She sat there on the bed, frozen, unable to speak, unable
to move. She felt her heart break into pieces at seeing him like
this. Then she felt a single tear rolling down her cheek and the
warmth woke her. Hermione was not thinking anymore, she only wanted
to be there for Sirius. She kneeled onto the floor next to Sirius'
sunken, shaking form. She grabbed his broad shoulders, helped him up
with some difficulty and pulled him into her arms. She embraced him
with all the strength she could master and with all the tenderness
she could give. Hermione felt Sirius pant, he was hot, like in a
fever, his long black hair was damp from tears and sweat.
She
closed her eyes as she felt him so near, stroking his hair, burying
her face into his shoulder. She heard him mutter about feeling lost
and alone, heard the names of James and Lily, she heard Harry's
name, Remus', her own. He was still shaking, Hermione tried to push
him away far enough, so she could make him look into her eyes, but he
wouldn't let go, he was clinging to her body like a drowning man.
She felt the wamth of his neck against her cheek, his breath on
her skin, suddenly his hands were in her hair, stroking it, and she
tried not to get lost in his touch, as he held her even tighter. His
hands moved over her back, her hair, she felt his tears on her neck,
warm, and then his lips, hot and coarse on her sensitive skin. She
drew in her breath at the sensation of him touching her like this,
instinctively wanting to push him away. But Sirius would not let her,
he grabbed her hair, pulled her head back and kissed her passionately
on the lips.
Hermione couldn't resist Sirius any longer, she
gave in to him completely, nothing mattered anymore but his deep
kisses, his hot hands on her skin, the feeling of finally having him
in her arms, being close to him. Sirius woke a passion inside her she
could and would not control. Hermione took his face in her hands and
kissed him deeply, as he lifted her a little, lowering her completely
onto the floor, his lips never leaving hers.
He seized her around
her waist, pulled her body towards his, hungry for her warmth, he
felt that she was the only thing that would keep him from falling
into the darkness of his own fate. Sirius could not get enough of her
tender but passionate kisses, he covered every inch of her skin he
could reach with his lips and hands. He felt her hands on his back,
under his shirt and moaned her name "Oh, Hermione, Hermione – "
It was as though his
own voice had woken him up. It was Hermione he was holding, it was
the skin on her thighs he was stroking, Hermione's lips he was
kissing, her body that she gave so willingly to him. Hermione, his
godson's sixteen year old friend.
Sirius opened his eyes in
shock, and he let go of her, backed away against the bed and stared
at her, still panting.
Hermione was shocked by him leaving her so suddenly. "What's the matter? Are you OK?"
Sirius muttered: "What am I doing? What am I doing to you?"
Hermione was completely lost: "What do you mean, to me? You were not – " but he cut across her. "This is not right, you don't really want this, you are doing this because you want to help me, I have gone to far, I couldn't control myself."
Something terrible dawned on Hermione. He thought she was doing this out of pity. "Sirius, no – I would never do anything like this if I didn't really want it, believe me, I kissed you because I wanted it…" Hermione cursed herself for being so weak, for troubling him with giving in to her impossible desires. She tried to reach out for him, but Sirius turned away and stared into the dying fire.
His voice shook: "You can't possibly imagine what this would mean to me, Hermione. I dreamed about this, I wished for this ever since I first layed eye on you the day I came back. But this is just not right, I am so much older than you, I am so not like you… And you are helping me, you've seen in what state I am. You feel obliged to help me. And I am taking advantage of this situation, this is so wrong." Hermione tried to interrupt him, but he wouldn't let her.
Finally, he turned to
her and looked into her eyes. The sadness in his face nearly made her
cry, as he said in a very hoarse voice: "You have no idea how much
I want you. But I can't let you do this like that, it would only
make you sad and you would regret it – "
"SIRIUS, NO!
Listen, I made such a terrible mistake, I promised myself I would not
let anything bother you, that I would be strong for you, but I
failed, I failed." Hermione felt tears stream down her cheeks. "I
tried to push all this away, all those – but I couldn't, I should
never have let this happen, because look at you, now you are worse
than ever. This is not right and it is all my fault, I should have
known that was impossible from the start, and I did but I didn't
listen to my reason, it was all gone!"
She had never felt this empty before in her life. Slowly, Hermione rose from the floor and walked to the door. Sirius felt an urge to run after her, but it was too late. The draft that came into the room through the closing door extinguished the last low flames in the fireplace and Sirius breathed his "Hermione" into the dark room.