Sirius woke with a start. He found himself lying on his bed, fully dressed, the remainders of a bottle of what unmistakeably smelled like firewhisky shattering the floor. The sun was shining brightly outside, the house seemed quiet. With a slow moan, he sat up. Immediately, a terrible headache stroke him. An then images flowed into his mind. At first he did not realise what they meant. He saw Hermione, her arms wrapped around him, he saw her hair covering the floor as she lay under him, he saw her eyes, so close, smelled her skin, tasted her lips, heared her whisper. For a moment, Sirius just let his mind linger on those images, unable to understand what they meant. Then he screwed up his eyes, his hand flew to his face as he moaned: "No…" Everything came back. He had kissed Hermione, he had lost control and given in to his desire for her, he had tried to sleep with her, had clung to her when she told him… And then he remembered the other part of the night. The terrible truth about his past, his imprisonment, the murder of his best friends, Harry's parents. Sirius was unable to move, he just sat there, minutes passing by. Then a knock on the door made him jump.
"Sirius? Are you in there? There is a bit of lunch left, you might want to come down!" Remus shouted through the door.
Sirius could not speak.
"Hello! What's up, are you alright?"
"I-" his voice sounded hoarse. "Leave me alone!"
"Sirius, come on, its nearly noon!" Remus continued to knock.
"Didn't you hear me, leave me alone!" He could not stand to see anyone at the moment.
"What is going on with you, are you – "
"Shut up, Remus and go down to your lunch or whatever, just SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" Sirius could not control his voice, he wanted to be alone, he wanted to shut himself off from the world, he did not care about anyone anymore.
"Fine, do what you want then, I am leaving for the ministry." Remus sounded taken aback by Sirius' outbreak. Sirius heared his footsteps draw away.
He closed his eyes and fell back onto the bed. He felt numb, dead and wasted. Then he jumped up so suddenly that his head gave a horrible pain. He could not stand it. Sirius crossed the room in three steps, almost breaking into a run and wiped everything on the big table that stood by the window, to the ground. Glass smashed, ink spread on the floorboards, when Sirius, in his rage, threw the massive chair into the cold fireplace. He felt his hands bleed where they had made contact with the breaking glass but did not care. He could not stand the icy feeling of numbness that hab grabbed his heart, he needed to feel. At the same time, this desire to feel made his rage even greater as he knew that it had been this what had made him do those things to Hermione. He had exploited her, betrayed her trust, just to escape the cold that had sweapt over him after he had realised what had happened to him. He let out a roar of rage and wiped all the books from their shelve. Pages tore and wood splinterd as he tore the shelve of the wall. As the dust settled over the destruction he had caused, Sirius shook under violent tears, breaking down onto the floor.
Hermione's eyes shot up at the ceiling when she heared the noise from upstairs. Remus had just left for the ministry, leaving Harry and her alone in Grimauld Place. The Weasleys had gone to get Charlie from the station, who was in town for the weekend and Tonks had accompanied Remus. Hermione knew immediately what the sound must mean and she ran out of the kitchen, hoping that Harry, who was reading in the sun behind the house, had not heard anything.
On the second landing, facing the corridor that led to Sirius' room, she paused. Her knees were shaking as the feeling of guilt washed over her. It was her fault. She had been so foolish, so arrogant to believe she knew what was best for Sirius. She had caused this agony by telling him about his dreadful past. Now his memories had come to haunt him once again. To haunt them both.
And not enough, she had not even been able to restrain herself and leave him alone in this state of grief. She had believed he could have feelings for her. She had added her foolish schoolgirl behaviour to his worries. She turned to walk away, she was too ashamed to face Sirius and feared to bother him even more. But then she heared him roar as the bookshelf smashed. She could not leave him. Running to his door, she shouted: "Sirius!"
He did not answer.
Fear swept over Hermione. She knew what he was capable of. She had heard of his strenght, felt it herself, she had seen his uncontrollable rage, every time he had faced Snape. "Sirius! Open, it's me!"
There was no sound. Hermione banged on the door.
Still, no reaction. Hermione felt the panic rise inside her. What if Sirius had hurt himself? "Please open, Sirius! Are you alright? Open, please!" Then she heard it. The same heavy panting as last night. He seemed to be close to the door.
"Sirius? It's Hermione, are you alright, let me in!"
Sirius leaned his forehead to the cool, polished wood of the heavy door. He still panted from rage and desperation. But there was her voice, Hermione's voice, coming through the door. It soothed him. He continued to lean to the door, to hear her.
"Please open, Sirius! Are you alright? I am scared for you!" Nothing came but Hermione felt Sirius' presence close to her, right behind the door. She sank to the floor, leaning her head to the cool wood. "I – I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for what happened last night. Not because for what what happened between us, but for the pain I caused you by telling you all this and by being so stupid and uncontrolled. Sirius, I know you can hear me, I want you to know this. Please believe me, I would never have kissed you if I had not wanted it. Believe me…" A single tear rolled down Hermione's cheek. "Believe me." She whispered, her mouth close to the door.
Sirius' breathing had slowed down, his mind was clearer, he felt calmer. He still could not speak to Hermione, although her words meant more to him than anything in the world. They made the terrible weight of his newly gained memories bearable. At her last "Believe me." he nodded slowly and layed his hand to the door.
Hermione did not know how long she had sat there. Somehow she knew that Sirius was alright. After a while, she said: "I am downstairs with Harry, everyone else is out. If you need me, call me! If you want to stay in there, I will cover up for you, don't worry. I will do whatever you need me to do, Sirius, because I…"
Sirius could not hear the last two words, because she had merely breathed them against the door, but he knew them already and this carried him through the night.