Disclaimer: I do not own Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, characters, places, themes, events or whatever else. I do not own Peter Jackson's movie version, or Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ah well...
This story goes through the events of The Fellowship of the Ring, but all the characters' names and places' names are altered. Mostly, the names revolve around food. See how many you can find!
The Fellowship of the Necklace
Long ago, nineteen Necklaces of Power were strung together. These were for union of all the lands of Left-Earth. Three for Men, mortals, but wise, seven for Dwarves, and then came Snow White. And nine for Elves, who above all else, desire power.
All the lands lived happily for a time, until the last Necklace was strung. This was done by Sourmilke, Dark Lord of the land of Bordor. He broke their necklaces, creating disunion in the lands.
But there were some who resisted.
The Next-to-Last Alliance of Dwarves, Elves, and Men marched against him, bringing milk bottles. You see, Sourmilke and his army cannot abide to see milk wasted. The Next-to-Last Alliance poured out the milk on the ground, which stunned the Dark Lord's army. And on the slopes of Mount Dairy, the Next-to-Last Alliance of Dwarves, Elves, and Men sat and waited for two weeks. The dark army couldn't move, and like all milk-based products, they became stale and moldy, thus destroying them. But Sourmilke's Necklace preserved him, and he returned to his tower of Vacca Boca.
But Elendilpickle, the king of Arnot, and his sons, Isilami and Anarpricot, chased him to his tower. There, they overthrew Sourmilke by draining him milk-filled hat. If this hat ever ran out of milk, Sourmilke would've died, had it not been for his Necklace.
So Isilami took the necklace.
His father and brother were killed because all Men are lactose-intolerant (and in these old days if you touched lactose you died like that snap).
But Sourmilke was not killed. They didn't drain his hat entirely.
Sourmilke was weak without his Necklace, however.
One day Isilami accidentally dropped the Necklace in to his swimming pool. He went down to get it and choked. When Sourmilke's Necklace touched water, it turned it into milk. So Isilami died and the Necklace was named Isilami's Bane.
The swimming pool was also named that.
Nobody went down to retrieve it, of course, so they picked it out with a long pole. The Necklace never dried so no one even touched it. Medicine advanced but still nobody would touch it. Now people could touch lactose and not die but still nobody dared pick it up.
One day a small creature sneaked in and took it to give as a wedding present. He wanted it so bad that when his brother asked to hold it, he snatched it out of the other's hands and slew him. Then his fiancée called off the wedding so he slew her too. He was cast out of the family and made to go live in the desert.
So he lived there and was corrupted by Sourmilke's power. He started to like lactose. He made a name for himself, Gollash. Gollash took the Necklace deep into the Misty Desert, as it was called, and still lived.
After many years, a hobbit named Bilberry Baggage came across it, and took it from Gollash, and he became lactose itself when he wore it. After more years, he gave it to his younger cousin, Alfrodo Baggage.
Now, after learning its origin from the wizard, Gandole, it's up to Alfrodo to destroy the Necklaces, and that can only be done by tossing it into the Chocolate Milks of Mount Dairy. So he is setting out with eight companions from the haven of Raddishdell. With him go Gandole, Argon the King, Boron the General, Sorrow and Pippernickel his cousins, Samdumb his servant, Legof-lamb the elf, and Gimseng the dwarf. William the pony is their baggage beast. Now our story begins….
"Are you ready, Alfrodo?" asked Gandole. Of course, Alfrodo said, "Yes" in his usually low voice, as hobbits have low harmonic voices.
A group of men, and elves, saw them off.
Argon was saying a last goodbye to his beloved, Arpple, daughter of Elreggno Lord of Raddishdell. After leaving from Raddishdell, they headed for the Valley of Carrothras.
There were always great sandstorms so thick that you couldn't breathe or eat or see in the Valley of Carrothras. The company had been through many so far, and a last they couldn't stand it.
"It'll be the death of the hobbits!" Boron shouted through the sand storm. "We must turn back!" Argon shouted to Gandole.
"Yes! I know that!" Gandole called back.
Gimseng listened, and cried, "There isn't a foul voice in the air!" Usually in the Valley of Carrothras, a foul voice was always calling. "It must be a trap!" called Legof-lamb.
Gandole repeated, "Yes! I know that too!"
Legof-lamb suggested they head for the Forest of Moriangue, where the elf mansions of Kazad-stupid stood. The hobbits couldn't talk, but Gandole announced, "Yes! We should have gone there in the first place! I knew that!"
So they went out of the desert valley, and within a fortnight came to the… "The Floor of Moriangue!" exclaimed Legof-lamb the elf. So they fell down the cliff and were on the floor. "What now?" asked Pippernickel.
"We look for a window that only sunlight reveals," instructed Gandole. So he let the sun shine upon a hidden spot, and that revealed the window. Writing in Dwarvish was on the sill. Gandole translated, "'The Window of Durian, Lord of Moriangue. Speak, enemy, and enter.' Then underneath, 'I, Narcturine, made them. Ketchupbrimbor of Hollinpeño drew these signs.'"
"'Speak, enemy, and enter?'" asked Sorrow. Gimseng explained, "It's quite simple. All you do is speak 'enemy' in Dwarvish."
He tried, using the Dwarvish word for enemy, "mellon." No avail. So they all said it in different tones, but nothing ever happened. Then Samdumb said, "What if you have to be an enemy and speak a password?"
Gandole jumped. "Yes! I know that!"
So they spoke different passwords and it opened. They climbed through the small window, and had to leave William behind. It took a week before they came to the Ladder of Kazad-stupid. There they faced a Balgame, a demon of the Milk and Chocolate. Gandole faced it alone, and he fell, saying, "Dig you fools!" So they dug their way out.
"No!" yelled Alfrodo, but as he climbed down the tunnel, a large and very jagged rock scraped his forehead and he swooned. As he fainted he swayed and then rock also cut his side.
"Bless him! Alfrodo, you're awake!" cheered Samdumb. "That was a life-threatening scrape you got," said Argon, though smiling. Gimseng said, "Tricky Alfrodo! We see what you have!"
Alfrodo gasped. "Yes, it is an alloy made of gold and iron," said he. "Wear it always!" counseled Legof-lamb. "We go off!" shouted Boron.
So they headed for Slothlorien, where time went slow. Along the way, they were sad for Gandole. They tried to be strong for each other, but it was hard because they all loved Gandole the Silver. Somehow, they pulled it through to Slothlorien.
There, the met Galapple, Lady of the Dark, and Celegrape, Lord of Slothlorien. "Slothlorien" means the Quiet Dwarf Kingdom. This was a place of rest and endurance though made of stone. The Fellowship stayed a long while.
One night, Alfrodo was awakened by Galapple walking by him. Samdumb woke up too, because he had ESP. Both followed the queen until she stopped and said, "Stop following me." They obeyed and she walked on. Shortly, she returned with a small platter of food.
"Will you look at my food?" Galapple asked. "Sure!" Samdumb returned right away.
"Remember, don't touch the food. It might show you anything."
"Yeah, 'kay."
Samdumb looked at the food. Alfrodo saw nothing but Samdumb was saying, "Wow!" and "Cool!" and gasp! "Okay Alfrodo, you next," said Galapple.
Alfrodo looked at the food and it started to swirl. First, it turned into a picture of a mountain range. Then it turned into a great green city. Then Alfrodo saw two skinny, tall trees. Then he saw a fair woman with brown hair and a man, strong with red hair (red hair? Thought Alfrodo). Then he saw a dark castle with the dreaded milk in a moat around it. Lastly, he saw an old man with a staff walking in a forest. The food turned back into real food and Alfrodo was dizzy. "Goodnight!" Galapple said after them. They said good night and went to sleep with their friends. What they had seen put them in a pondering mood.
When it came time to leave, all the Company were given separate gifts of parting.
To Pippernickel and Sorrow were given marvelous pairs of gloves, woven as a protection from lactose. The wearers would not be injured by lactose (I said earlier that people no longer died of lactose but I didn't say they still could get hurt), even if an enemy poured it on a part not covered by the gloves.
Samdumb was given a magical tree, which, when planted, grew perpetually. This tree would shoot up in spring, grow 2 feet a day for a month, then in the month before the New Year, it would shrink a foot each day, until on New Year's Day it would be a seed again and repeat.
Gimseng received a beautiful bow, such as Dwarves used.
Boron was given a headband guaranteed to keep away perspiration.
Argon was given an odd Dwarven thing. When you threw it the right way, it came back to its thrower.
Because Legof-lamb had come high in the king's favor, he was given one of the king's eyelashes.
Alfrodo was given a device which would keep him wary of lactose. He would be able to feel its presence in dark places so as not to tread in it.
They left sadly in boats which were readied for them. While they drifted they saw something following them. It was Gollash who had tracked them since Moriangue Forest, as Gandole had found out.
They ignored him.
When they reached this large place with carvings of battles, Argon stood up. "Don't rock the boat!" said a nervous Samdumb, who hated boats. Argon didn't hear him; he looked at the pictures.
"Gentlemen," said he, "This is the Argourmet! These pictures carved by my kin show history's greatest food fights!"
They floated down the river a bit further and got on the shore. They camped there that night. Boron had been thinking for a while now, "I would love to be a great ruler! Why does this Argon run away from the fact that he has the bloodline of Cafeteria Ladies and Chefs?" Boron brought this up with Argon that night. They ended up having a loud argument that the others pretended not to hear.
Finally the hobbits all shouted in their low voices, "THAT'S ENOUGH!"
Boron was still sour with Argon the next day as they continued to float downstream. Argon was mad at the hobbits for having shouted so loud. He thought the enemy could have heard that.
Eventually, they made it to the Rauroast Rapids. They all enjoyed the bouncing waves except for Samdumb, who got sick afterwards. Boron said white-water was ahead, so the pulled to shore, because they knew their little boats couldn't take the power of the Whipped Cream that colored that water.
They were tired by that venture and so decided to rest. After they had eaten, Argon said, "Alfrodo, it is time for you to choose our course. Either way is dangerous, but you must choose. The choices I know of are the journey to Gondola and the journey to Bordor; to either way I will follow you."
The rest all said "me too" in turn. Of course, on the inside, some thought differently.
Alfrodo said, "Do you expect me to pick now? I need time!"
"Of course!" said Argon.
Alfrodo strolled through the tall grass. He looked at the treeless landscape. He was thinking about how much more peaceful this scene would look if the threat of lactose was absent from it. He knew what he had to do. And so he did it. He ran away.
"Psst!" hissed Alfrodo to his servant. "We're going!" The others saw Alfrodo and were about to ask "did he decide?" when Alfrodo threw a smoke-bomb. Boron, who was terror-stricken by these (thanks to an early childhood memory), went mad. He started rampaging and flailing his arms. He grabbed Alfrodo's Necklace and pulled. Suddenly he became corrupted and pulled harder. Alfrodo tried not to yell so the others wouldn't know where he was. Samdumb hit Boron on the head with a large stick and so he fainted. Alfrodo and Samdumb ran away, took a boat, and escaped towards Bordor.
Author: That's it! If you want a Two Towers and Return of the King version, let us know. We're going to give you a guide to all the names as well. That will be "chapter 2" in the box. This was written a long time ago, taken from the idea a friend had to make up stories about a Lord Sauerkraut. Review!