Wow, look who's alive and updating! This chapter may be slightly off due to the fact it's been almost two months since my last story update. That and this isn't your typical chapter. I hope you enjoy it anyway.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I did not invent pie. /irrelevance
Only the cameraman and the announcer remained in the studio. It was their first time being together alone for such a long period of time that neither of them knew what to do. After long, awkward moments of the announcer's throat clearing and the cameraman's continuous humming of children's songs, the announcer broke the silence.
"Say, cameraman?….Cameraman?" the announcer squeaked after waiting for a moment.
The announcer heavily and lazily reached for a megaphone. After gently blowing off some excess dust, the announcer shouted into it, "CAMERAMAN!"
The quirky male was comfortably sitting in his chair, his head hanging back, beads of slimy drool slithering down his bony chin and forming a puddle on the germ-infested studio floor. His legs were stretched out casually. His eyes were shut tight, so apparently he was asleep and the announcer didn't wake him up.
The announcer waited impatiently for some sign that he was alive, even the quietest snore. The only sign of life was a fly picking at an old chunk of hamburger meat, but of course that had nothing to do with the oh-so-smooth cameraman.
"CAMERAMAN!" the announcer screamed into the old megaphone desperately.
"Huh? But I didn't steal your packing tape…" muttered the cameraman.
"Cameraman!" the announcer beamed, unknowingly showing him some positive attention rather than the usual teasing.
"I see a light…Am I dead? Is this heaven? Is my Uncle Susan here?"
"No cameraman, you are alive and in the Know Your Smashers recording studio. What you see is a light attached to the ceiling…And who names their boy Susan?" That painted a disturbing picture for the announcer.
"Oh good…I dreamt that I met some Swedish opera-singing fat lady and she tries to arrest me for supposedly stealing designer brand packing tape," the cameraman told the announcer as he rapidly rubbed his eyes and wiped away his saliva. "
That, and I wouldn't get to fully complete my 'Things to do Before I Die' List." He fished around in his coat pocket and pulled out an overly folded wad of paper.
"I'm just glad you're not dead," the announcer admitted.
"You are? Wow! That's the nicest thing you've said to me!" The cameraman found a pencil and crossed off 'Get genuinely complimented by the announcer,' which was between 'Go bungee jumping with a walrus,' and 'Get a periwinkle poodle tattoo.'
"Well, until our final 'guest' shows up, how about I get to know you?" the announcer asked, sounding as if he were plotting something evil.
"Okay!" the cameraman replied eagerly like a little boy.
The announcer dimmed the lights as the cameraman turned the camera so it faced him. "Know your smashers, know your smashers, know your smashers, know your smashers," came the illustrious three words.
"Ee hee hee!" squealed the cameraman as he clapped childishly.
"The cameraman…he washes his clothes in chocolate syrup."
"Actually," responded the cameraman, attempting to sound noble, "I wash them in strawberry syrup."
"I suppose that explains the slight pink tint of your socks."
"Exactly!"
"Um…okay. The cameraman…he has a pet macho named Schmooterheimerdingle," was the announcer feisty retort.
"I do not! I have a pet Donkey Kong key chain named Banana," the cameraman cooed dreamily. He grinned with satisfaction as he daydreamed about how he got the beloved key chain.
Flashback!
Our delightful cameraman was walking slowly and lazily around the mall. He came across a new store called Key Chain Cove.
He recalled the part of a crime drama movie he saw last night and stroked his chin thoughtfully.
Flashback within a flashback!
A criminal donning a back leather outfit scanned the area cautiously. It was dark out, so not many police cars were out, and if they were, they were parked at bakeries. The criminal rubbed together his hands evilly and scurried like a mouse into the bank.
He cracked his knuckles and punched the cash register. Due to it being made of cheap material, it cracked right open like an egg, allowing the criminal to stuff loads of money into his bag. He cackled cruelly and escaped.
End of flashback within a flashback!
"Oh yeah…" mumbled the cameraman. "That was so cool!"
He ran into the Key Chain Cove, setting his eyes on the sleek cash register.
The cashier turned around. She had wavy, sunny blonde hair and glorious ocean blue eyes. The cameraman didn't pay much attention to her, but she immediately began talking to him.
"Hi there! May I help you?" screeched the girl, who had a horribly high voice that sounded like a mouse choking on a bit of cheese. A wide, toothy smile spread across her pale vanilla face.
The cameraman ignored her, cracked his knuckles, and then let out a high-pitched battle cry before punching the cash register.
Nothing happened to the cash register. The cameraman's eyes looked like they would pop out of their sockets as he formed an O shape with his lips and collapsed to the ground. He whispered to himself before massaging his throbbing hand.
"Silly, that cash register is made of super-hard steel! If you wanted to practice karate, you should have gone down to the studio!" The ditzy cashier remarked as she leaned over the counter.
The cameraman tried his best to ignore the pain and he shamefully stood up and limped toward the exit. A stand with Donkey Kong key chains caught his eye. He could still be a smooth criminal!
He snatched a key chain from the stand, then jogged victoriously out of the store. Before dashing off, he stood in front of the store entrance and held the key chain over his head.
"I am triumphant, and I so own you losers! Aahahahahaha!" he snickered before disappearing.
A customer and an employee stared blankly.
"What was THAT about?" asked the customer inquisitively while twirling a lengthy lock of ginger around her sticky leftover lollipop stick.
"I don't know. Maybe he thought he was a criminal because he took a Donkey Kong key chain before leaving," replied the employee with a shrug.
"But aren't those Donkey Kong key chains free today?"
"Yes. But I guess he didn't know that…" the employee absent-mindedly stared into the distance.
"Hmph. Men."
End of flashback!
"And I was never a good criminal ever since…" concluded the cameraman, who was glaring to his right with a thought-provoked expression. "Announcer?"
Snoring echoed through the studio. "Huh? Oh, I must have dozed off…But yes, you are better at being stupid," the announcer agreed.
The cameraman gasped out of pure excitement. "Thank you! That's two today!" he reported.
"Good for you. The cameraman…he absolutely loves family reunions."
"Oh gosh, no. The opposite of that…I absolutely unlove family reunions…" the cameraman proclaimed before trailing off into yet another pointless story.
Another pointless flashback!
"Will take off that hat already?" asked an irritated cousin of the cameraman's. His narrow russet eyes were fixated on the cameraman's tacky olive ten-gallon hat, which was crafted poorly out of foam.
"I've worn this for eight months straight. I'm going for a record, and besides, you can't make me!" snapped a young, stubborn cameraman as he crossed his legs and turned his head defiantly.
His cousin simply poked his hat and it stumbled off of his head and landed in a patch of lime green grass.
"Hey!" he pouted angrily.
"Ha ha!"
"Oh grandsons, come massage Granny's feet!" called a cheerful yet ancient grandmother, who lay back in a sky blue beach chair. Her head looked like an over boiled cabbage with wrinkles for eyes and a mouth. She slowly pulled off her chocolate brown clogs and then her wrinkly, sweat-soaked crimson socks.
"I think this one's especially ripe. I have two bunions on it!" the old woman hollered,
pointing to her peachy left foot.
The cameraman and his cousin stared in sheer horror before rushing off, screaming unbelievably loudly.
End of another pointless flashback!
"Eww," the announcer answered in disgust.
"Exactly."
"Anyway," began the announcer, trying to shake out that image, "The cameraman…his real name is-"
"I'll finish that," the cameraman interrupted. "My real name is-"
At that moment, the camera fell over and the picture was completely blurry. After that, colorful striped lines replaced the blurry picture and a sharp beep ricocheted through the studio.
The cameraman plugged his ears and grimaced, wondering what had caused that. His eyes turned to the fallen camera, and if he had one of those light bulbs, it just might have flickered. He extended his weak arm out after standing up and placed the camera in its proper position.
"So, that's how I got my name," finished the cameraman proudly. He flashed the camera a perfect, gleaming smirk.
"You do realize that wasn't caught on camera, right?" questioned the announcer with a hint of apprehensiveness.
"Oh…."
"Eh, no matter. I'm sure no one cared to know your name anyway. The cameraman…he is the #2 Donkey Kong fan."
Now the cameraman was furious. He took his role as the #1 Donkey Kong fan extremely seriously.
"What do you mean by that!" the cameraman shrieked, his nostrils flaring with rage.
"That you're not #1."
"Yes I am! How dare you, you-"
Right then, a strip of duct tape appeared on the cameraman's mouth, as well as entirely around his wrists and ankles. As much as he wriggled about, he could not stand up or talk.
"Now now, cameraman…We must keep content appropriate fro the children. And we must keep you like that for eternity! Now my plan WILL be ever so successful! Muahahahahaha-" The announcer stopped to cough, then continuing his maniacal laughing.
"Mhmm. Ehme ehm emh! Mmmmhm!" the poor cameraman struggled to say through the incredibly strong tape.
"Now you know…the cameraman, the family-reunion-lover whose socks are pink due to syrup! MUAHAHAHAH!" the announcer practically screamed, sounding loud enough to start an earthquake. All the camerman could do was squiggle around in his chair like a restless worm, frenziedly babbling incoherently.
Dun, dun, DUN! What will happen to the cameraman? What is this plan of the announcer's? Will Yoshi ever show up? Why are some people afraid of toilets, and how will they go through life? Why am I asking you? Questions like these and more answered next chapter.