This is pretty much the story finale. The chapter that comes after this is just a bonus chapter that will hopefully inspire you all to contemplate, wonder, and explore.
Excuse the cheesy philosopher statement.
This is an extremely long chapter, which could be separated in two separate chapters. Except I'm the author, and I don't want to do that!
Disclaimer: You already know it, and if you have been reading since the beginning, or near it anyway, have most likely memorized it.
The cameraman, Yoshi, Peppy, and Dr. Hoshi scurried to the hideout Mewtwo had formed, which actually was formerly a closet for storing old magazines. Ness, who obviously wasn't thinking at the time, assumed setting them on fire would resolve this problem with ease. Of course it didn't, so Pikachu fished through Pokeballs until a Blastoise set it out, to sum it up without wasting too much time.
"Here's the map," Samus reported, pulling out a map she had somehow obtained through one of the announcer's 'sources'. Every floor, every nook, every cranny of the studio was sketched on the tattered map. Everyone, even the cameraman, stared in awe, as none of them had expected the studio to have so much hidden space.
"So, now the announcer is cowering pathetically in his room," Mewtwo recapped as he motioned his hand in a circle around the announcer's office on the map. "Now, two of you small creatures have to do the first part in order to successfully complete this. The first will deliver this envelope with a tranquilizing gas bomb inside. Exactly one minute after it gets into the office, it will go off and the announcer will be out cold. The second will drop in through the ceiling and snatch his top-secret file. That one has all of his personal information, which we will sue against him for vengeance." Mewtwo snickered darkly, as he could already taste the sweet revenge.
"Pichu will deliver the envelope, and afterwards Ness will drop in and get the file," Mewtwo instructed.
The yellow creature and the psychic boy nodded. Pichu nervously took the envelope with his tiny mouth and used his arms and legs to scamper up a set of stairs. His mind raced as he strained to remember every turn to take. Getting to the announcer's office was like going through the labyrinth. Beads of sweat dripped down his face and his heart seemed like any moment it would burst. But the Pokemon was driven by revenge's power, giving him enough energy to zoom up the last set of stairs.
Alas, the gruesome physical work and mental rush had paid off. On a door with chipped painted was a rectangular scrap of metal with two words encrusted in it.
'Announcer's Office', the sign read.
Pichu tried to conceal his excited squeal and lightly slid the envelope through the space between the door and the floor. This time fuelled by an accomplished feeling, Pichu gracefully skipped down the stairs. In almost no time at all, Pichu was back in the little hideout.
Meanwhile, the announcer was cramped in a corner between two filing drawers. Too scared to simply poke the envelope, the announcer just froze with fear and waited for something to happen. After a minute of pure silence, the envelope made three quick beeps, and suddenly filled the whole room with a perfume-like mist, causing the announcer to fall over, losing all awareness.
"Well done, Pichu," Mewtwo congratulated. Since he had psychic abilities, he knew that the bomb plan was successful. He then turned to Ness. "Now, you already have all of your necessary equipment, so I will teleport you to the air vent that leads to the announcer's office. You will tie the end of the rope to part of the air vent and carefully drop down. Grab the file with a red stamp marked 'top-secret', and climb back up. The bomb only works for so long, so you must be quick. Good luck."
"Pi pi pichu chu chu? (Why couldn't I have been teleported up those stairs instead of running?)" Pichu asked.
"I have my reasons," Mewtwo replied.
"Pichu pichu pi! (That's not fair!)"
"Enough arguing. Ganondorf! Bowser!"
The warlock and the giant turtle instantly appeared, smiling evilly. Pichu backed away in fear, but Ganondorf used some magical warlock powers and disabled his ability to move. Bowser took a tan barrel and steadily held it and Ganondorf stuffed Pichu into it. Mewtwo finished it by teleporting him somewhere in the world.
"Mewtwo! How could you be so cruel?" Peach scolded.
"Well, he did ask to be teleported, so he got it."
"I see…"
"See what?" Young Link questioned as he popped out a fresh bottle of Lon Lon milk.
"Do you even know what's in that? It might not even be cow milk!" shot Peach, shuddering.
"Don't be silly Peach! Of course it's cow milk." Young Link pointed to the ingredients label. "See? According to Falco, platypuses are an exotic kind of cow from Monigolichinia!"
Peach opened her mouth to speak, but decided to refrain from spoiling the fun of the naïve-minded boy.
By now, Ness was taking deep breaths and cautiously coming down into the office. He could just barely see the file. As he lowered himself little by little, Mission Impossible music played in the background. It was probably because of Mario, as he loved that song for whatever reason.
His fingers stretched and finally managed to get a good hold of the file. He climbed back up the rope anxiously. The announcer mumbled and moved from side to side occasionally, but other than that, everything was fine. Ness literally gave himself a pat on the back and crawled through the vents until he jumped down into the hideout through an opening in the vent.
"Excellent," Mewtwo gushed to Ness, as it seemed all the other Smashers were partying.
Mewtwo scowled. A carpet of chip crumbs covered the floor, along with colossal globs of salsa. Most people were either doing the limbo, dancing to the Hokey Pokey, or talking to a random person/creature next to him/her/it. Or all of the above, plus trying to gnaw someone's eyes out with a spork.
"SILENCE!"
The party instantaneously ceased.
"Now, the announcer will wake up soon. This is when we all take part," Mewtwo said.
"So, Ness," Fox asked, going rather off-topic. "What did the announcer look like?"
"Well, I peeked out of the corner of my eye, so I couldn't really get a good look. But it had a (color censored) (part censored) that look suspiciously like it belonged to (name censored)."
"Aww, no fair!" bleated the cameraman. "You got to see the announcer before I have, and I've worked for him, for like, a really long time!"
"Seriously?" Captain Falcon asked in surprised. The other Smashers were also shocked.
"We thought you've already seen him," Fox replied.
"And that you just never said anything to avoid being killed," chimed in Popo.
"Nope."
The Smashers absorbed this piece of information. Marth's eyes were blank with confusion, so of course he ate a doughnut.
"Smashers, 'tis time!" Mewtwo cried dramatically. "Vengeance shall be ours. Come!"
Everyone cheered before being teleported to the front of the announcer's room.
"Jiggly jig jig puff? (Where's Pichu?)" Jigglypuff inquired.
In Mexico…Pichu used his electric powers to break through the sturdy wooden barrel. It did cause pain, but Pichu quickly forgot about it by gorging himself in tacos and fried ice cream. He wore a sombrero and did some kind of dance.
"Pi pichu! (I'm actually glad to be here!)" he told himself.
Just when all was going well, Pichu vanished.
Back at the studio…Pichu was teleported back by Mewtwo, since Jigglypuff annoyed him into doing so. Now everyone was going through the file, searching for juicy tidbits of information to use to blackmail the announcer.
Just around then did a grunting sound come from the office.
"What's going on?" the now conscious announcer asked sleepily.
"Ahem, testing, 1,2,3," the cameraman began, making sure the old microphone he found in another closet was working.
"Cameraman? What in the name of cheese are you doing?
"Announcer, you've been mean to me, and it's time I take a stand," the cameraman calmly answered, followed by those three words. The announcer had no time to complain about the cameraman's betrayal and such.
"Know your smashers, know your smashers, know your smashers, know your smashers."
"The announcer…it has a pair of bunny slippers," Mario started.
"So what if I do? I don't even wear them…"
"The announcer…it always keeps a can of canned pears by a lamp," Link read from a paper.
"The scent is quite invigorating."
The Smashers weren't quite sure about that.
"The announcer…it smells like an infected cage at the zoo," Ness retorted.
"Where did you get that from?" some Smasher close to the back of the crowd wondered.
"Well, I could tell when I got the you-know-what."
"Oh..."
"It's not my fault!" the announcer whined, sounding slightly offended. If this pattern continued, then this whole plan would be very successful.
"The announcer…it uses Snuggle fabric softener as a cologne," Marth squelched.
"It's cheap and smells good!" the announcer reported proud, yet still a slight tone that made it obvious that it was offended.
"The announcer…" Ganondorf continued, "it has a pet hot dog."
"Don't talk about Herbert J. Stuart the way!" the announcer cried defensively.
"Now we're getting somewhere," Zelda noticed happily.
It was Roy's turn. "The announcer…it used to wash redneck's feet for a living."
"Hey, at least I had a job! Even though it was torture…" the announcer trailed off into flashbacks of sadden and disgust.
"The announcer…it is addicted to the Home Shopping Network," was Peach's insult.
"How do you know? Besides, their stuff can be useful!"
"The announcer…it bought a solar-powered flashlight from HSN two weeks ago!" Kirby mocked.
The Smashers laughed at the stupidity and irony of this.
"Only because I had too many guacamole nachos! And I get crazy when that happens!" the announcer yelled in a poor attempt to justify the foolish purchase.
"Pi pika pika…pikachu chu. (The announcer…it was a unicorn in a past life.)," Pikachu shot.
The announcer, who actually understood Pokemonish, or Pokemonese, or whatever that language Pokemon speak is called, said, "At least I'm not an electric mouse with an ugly tail!"
Pikachu broke down crying, and since water conducts electricity, he spontaneously burst into flames. Whether that is possible or not didn't matter, for anything could happen at this point. Pikachu ran around, screaming in pain. Strangely, he wasn't dead yet. So Pikachu ran up and down the stairs, trying to remember how to stop, drop, and roll.
"The announcer…it escaped from an insane asylum three months ago," Falco cracked.
"They let me out, I swear!" the announcer replied apprehensively.
Bowser quipped, "The announcer…it has been to over 250 insane asylums in its lifetime."
"I thought it was over 400, plus 50 intensive care hospitals for those with seriously messed up minds?" Zelda interrupted.
"ZELDA! HOW COULD YOU!" Mewtwo screamed.
"Huh?"
"The order is the next person on the list insults the announcer, the announcer responds, and so on. Because you messed up the cycle, you are hereby sentenced to being trapped in a coffin with sardines!"
The Hylian princes let out an ear-splitting shriek that eventually faded into an echo as she disappeared to her coffin.
"I'm not going to even say anything to that…" the announcer squeaked.
So Zelda's turn was skipped, allowing Jigglypuff to go.
"Jig jiggly puff puff jig. (The announcer…it bought an air guitar from eBay.)"
"It wasn't from eBay! Theirs are poor quality. Mine are from Amazon!"
Laughing was heard in the background, which lowered the announcer's self-esteem even more.
"The announcer…it idolizes Michael Jackson," Fox said as he looked through some of the papers from the file.
"Is that so wrong? I like his dance moves!" the announcer moaned. Except the announcer can't dance because it's a (spoiler censored)…
"The announcer…it had to get surgery because it couldn't lift a pencil," was Captain Falcon's repartee.
"Like you should talk, Mr. Muscles of Plastic!"
Captain Falcon frowned and sat on a step.
"The announcer…its favorite show is Desperate Housewives!" Luigi announced for everyone to hear. Or at least pretend to hear it while they were really trying to stab people's eyes with sporks. Whatever.
"Why must you torture me?"
"BECAUSE YOU ARE ANNOUNCER…AND ANNOUNCER LIKES FRIED TUMBLEWEEDS AND COWBOY BOOTS!" roared Donkey Kong.
The cameraman's jaw dropped. One of the very few things he didn't know about Donkey Kong was revealed.
"I was forced to eat tat while I was in Texas…"
The cameraman, Dr. Hoshi, and Peppy imagined being served a thin, silver platter at a Texas restaurant with hillbillies, rednecks, and people with missing teeth for waiters. All of them shuddered and grimaced.
"The announcer…" Mewtwo mumbled as he desperately searched through the papers of the file. "Oh gosh…Ah! Here! It has an extensive collection of poodle skirts!"
"How dare ye make fun of thy poodle skirts," the announcer riposted.
"Are poodle skirts made from poodles?" Peppy asked blankly.
"No, Peppy," Dr. Hoshi said with a sigh.
"Beep beep bop betty boop beep beep!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped stridently.
"Huh?" everyone in the Know Your Smashers building asked, including the hobo who was showering on the 3rd floor with leftover maple syrup.
"Let's skip that…" Mewtwo suggested.
"The announcer…it steals from video stores across the nation and blames random red-headed teenagers for it," Young Link retorted.
"So that was you!" was Roy's rejoinder at the announcer. "Accusing me for stealing 'The Little Mermaid' from that video place in that one place."
"Oh so descriptive," Nana muttered sarcastically to no one in particular.
"Anyway…the announcer…it joined the Anti-Short People in Parkas Act a year ago!" an enraged Popo bellowed as he read one of the pages of the file.
Nana's face was combined with repulsion and antagonism. She was going to give him a hard whacking with her weapon when she saw it.
"The announcer…it has visited over 26 therapists and over half of them quit their jobs and lived on a deserted island as environmentalists!" Samus sneered with delight.
"It's not my fault! At least that' what my newest therapists tells me to tell myself in order to stay calm…IT DOESN'T WORK!" boomed the announcer.
"Obviously," Samus said under her breath.
"Pichu pi pichu chu! (Forget this, I'm going back to Mexico!)" Pichu commented before jumping out a window and running into the horizon.
"Okay then…the announcer…its mother went to prison for giving birth to such a creature!" Nana exclaimed.
"She might have…if I had a mother…"
"Oh, look at me, I'm playing the World's Smallest Violin," Dr. Hoshi remarked bitterly.
"Ooh! Is it invisible?" the cameraman inquired eagerly.
Mewtwo shot the cameraman a glare, causing him to stop talking.
Dr. Mario added, "The announcer…it gave a tarantula to a charity instead of money."
"IS THAT MY FAULT, REALLY!"
"Yes."
"Well…you don't have to rub it in…"
"The announcer…it is really a big poo poo head!" the cameraman yelped like a child.
"…Wow, that was…interesting…" observed Samus.
"YAY ME!" The cameraman hugged DK for no reason.
"The announcer…it should be eaten by all Yoshis!" Yoshi demanded.
"Wow, Yoshi talks too," the cameraman noted.
Before Dr. Hoshi, Peppy, or the announcer could talk, a giant, white, somewhat blocky glove swung in through a window. It could move on its own, and it had five fingers. Why, it was the Master Hand from the original Super Smash Brothers!
"Who are you?" a bunch of people asked in unison.
"I AM THE SSB MASTER HAND! FEAR ME!"
People blinked, crickets chirped. It was a classic awkward silence.
"I am here to see this announcer." He noticed the sign and used his mighty fistly power to smash through the thick door. After the chips of wood, metal, and some drops of blood that belonged to various people cleared up, the announcer was revealed.
It was none other than the Master Hand from Super Smash Brothers: Melee!
At that time, both of the Master Hands laid their, um, whatever they see/sense out of, they rushed towards each other as quickly as possible.
"I never knew my old self was so beautiful!" the Master Hand cooed.
The other Master Hand admired, "I didn't know the newer version of me was so dazzling!"
Yoshi tried to use his lengthy tongue to capture the Master Hand's finger and eat him, but the two hands eloped to some foreign getaway. The Smashers just stared in amazement. The Master Hand hadn't said one word, shed one tear, or made one violent gesture. He was too distracted by the other Master Hand.
At that time, Crazy Hand came in through the same window the other hands had flown out of.
"Has anyone seen the Master Hand?" the Crazy Hand asked hopefully.
"No. How do you know him?" Link interrogated.
"I was the one who the Master Hand called for delivering Yoshi. I was always there to support him…" the Crazy Hand trailed off into fantasies of being with the Master Hand, just the two of them.
"Well, sorry to break the news to you, but the Master Hand fled with the other Master Hand," Ganondorf told the Crazy Hand.
The Crazy Hand was very disheartened, even though hands don't have hearts. In other words, the Crazy Hand was ever so sad.
"Oh well. It can never be then…"
During that time did Yoshi remember how violently the Crazy Hand packaged him. With fury and hunger, Yoshi stuck out is sticky tongue and with every ounce of strength, pulled the Crazy Hand into his mouth, chewed a little, and ultimately swallowed the hand.
"Yoshi ate the Crazy Hand!" gasped many of the Smashers.
"…Now what?" Peppy pondered.
"We shall later publish this file for all to see, and make billions," an ambitious Captain Falcon suggested, posing heroically. Or at least he thought so.
"But now, we PARTY!" screeched Kirby.
"YAY!"
Everyone partied and chased each other through the entire building. People still tried to stab other people to death with sporks. The party was very long, indeed. Afterwards, the building was made into a publishing company. They worked together to put the Master Hand's file into a book, sold it sometime in the summer, and made a huge amount of money. But sadly, some rich person bought the company, and the Smashers moved to Oklahoma where they lived on flat soda and grilled armadillo. It is rumored that they lived this way for the rest of their lives. Others believe that they became rich again miraculously and moved to mansions. As that overrated saying goes, the rest is history.
The Master Hand was so narcissistic that he married the older version of himself. He stole a bunch of copies of the Smashers' book and spent time burning them. When he wasn't gazing at himself, that is.
And that concludes the glorious story. Now some sappy music will play to dramatize this sad moment!
….
…
…
…"I HAVE A PET UNICORN!" cried the cameraman as he stood on the cliff of a mountain.
THE END!
…Wow, that was veeeeeeeeerrrrrry long. Eh. Please send your thoughts on the story and this chapter.
Thank you for enduring this story of peculiar proportions!
Oh yeah, and if you want, stay tuned for the bonus chapter! It's utterly pointless, yet somehow educational! Yay!