And as I promised, here is the bonus chapter. Characters that have died/been eaten/disappeared for whatever reason are back to take part in this one. Isn't it wonderful?
After surviving the insane, wild, defying-the-laws-of-nature and just plain illogical pandemonium that is this story, the Smashers have gained so much more wisdom and knowledge. In this chapter, they intend to share it with you readers so you will avoid these mistakes and know what to do in case you happen to fall into them anyway.
Yes, the story's morals. According to the Smashers, of course.
"Exactly why are we here?" Zelda asked skeptically. "I thought this was over! And besides, I was supposed to be in a coffin of sardines!"
"No wonder you smell so bad!" the Crazy Hand jeered.
"Hey, I thought you were eaten?" a puzzled Roy wondered.
"This story isn't supposed to make sense!" Mewtwo announced, looking as he he was going to burst from stupid questions. "And besides, according to the author, we are supposed to share our knowledge and insight on this unbelievably outrageous experience."
Everyone stared blankly. It seemed that this whole experience had drained their intelligence, if anything. But after a 5-hour long explanation that will be skipped for time, the Smashers at last understood the point.
"Well, what I learned is that talking hands are very mean!" Mario announced.
"I learned that John Frieda hair products make my beautiful hair smoother than silk!" Link crooned vainly as he ran his slender fingers through his hair.
"It has to be related to the story, meathead!" Dr. Mario sneered.
"And I get to look forward to this in seven years…" Young Link sighed sadly.
"In that case, I learned that most people couldn't tell the difference between skirts and tunics!"
"I learned that music from Mission Impossible is quite annoying!" Ness said.
"I learned that doughnuts cam make you gain an immense amount of weight," Marth was wretchedly looking through a Weight Watchers pamphlet.
"I learned that blue-haired swordsmen never listen to reason!" Zelda remarked. "And that my voice can break camera lenses!"
"I learned that blue-haired swordsmen look eccentrically like pregnant women after eating too much!" the guy from chapter 20 that thought Marth was pregnant admitted.
Marth gasped. "NOT YOU AGAIN!" Breathing heavily like a bull, he took his gaudy sword and sadistically swung at the man, causing…
(Scene censored for intense violence! We apologize for any inconvenience!)
So a rather large puddle of red fluids layered the floor. Dr. Mario, who seemed rather disturbed by the whole experience, took out the man's body to a dumpster. Meanwhile in the bathroom, Marth was cleansing his sword with Lysol wipes, since Zelda forced him to.
"Anyway, I learned that some people suffer very violent deaths!" Fox commented.
"I learned that I need to keep my underwear in a fire-proof safe to prevent it from being stolen by giant monkeys," Peach said, thinking about how long it would take to replace some of the pairs that were eaten, stolen, and/or lost.
"What I learned was that therapy doesn't always heal moments that scar you for life!" Samus cried before literally crying. Except no one saw the tears because of her suit…
"I learned that I need to go on steroids!" Captain Falcon said.
"I learned that fooling youthful elves is quite entertaining," Falco stated with a smirk.
"I finally learned what a platypus really is," Young Link chimed in. "And if you'll excuse me, I think I'll head to the bathroom." Young Link dreadfully hoped Marth was done.
"Beep beep boom boom bop!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped and bopped.
"I learned that anti-4Kids people are brutal!" Nana exclaimed. She winced as she rubbed a bruise on her knee.
"ME LEARNED THAT THIS CAMERA GUY IS FUN TO BE AROUND! ESPECIALLY WHEN WE STEAL PEACH'S UNDERWEAR!" Donkey Kong hollered.
"Aww, Donkey Kong!" the cameraman gushed. "That's great!"
"I learned that the only difference between Mario and I is the 'Dr.' part of my name," Dr. Mario confessed.
Bowser said, "I learned that putting small beings in barrels is fun!"
"I learned that ham frightens me like the announcer said," Ganondorf sorrowfully acknowledged.
"I learned that having people ask if your sister is your girlfriend is quite disturbing!" Popo shuddered.
"Jig jig puff jiggly! (I learned that even though my singing puts people to sleep, it's still better than Zelda's!)" Jigglypuff barked.
"Pi pi chu pi (I learned how fun of a vacation place Mexico is!)" Pichu added.
"Pika pi chu chu. (I learned that karma does exist, and being a snitch is bad.)" Pikachu whispered shamefully.
"I learned that I can phenomenally transform from a puddle to my human form!" Roy said proudly.
"I learned that just because Jigglypuff and I are both pink puffballs, people automatically assume we like each other. Darn stereotypes!" Kirby scoffed as he crossed his arms. Or tried to, anyway, since they were so small and round.
"I learned that I shouldn't shop for cameras in shops with slow employees when I work for an egotistic talking hand!" the cameraman realized. "And that gum-flavored mints are like mints, except they taste like gum!"
"I learned that insulting over two dozen is an entertaining job, but it causes migraines!" the announcer, or the Master Hand, said. "Thankfully I'm a hand, I don't have to worry about it!"
"I learned that no one makes a better spouse than the newer version of yourself!" the older Master Hand burbled with passion.
"I actually understand and relate to those cheesy love songs that are overplayed on the radio!" cried Crazy Hand, stroking a picture of the Master Hand. Not much later, the Cray Hand threw it out the nearest window with envy and fury.
"I learned that Yoshi and Dr. Hoshi are pretty heavy and carrying them is tiring!" Peppy said.
"I learned that cameramen can be scary…" Dr. Hoshi muttered.
"I learned that my plans always turn out the way they should," Mewtwo said triumphantly.
And so…now that everyone has shared their astuteness, the story is over!
"Wait, wasn't that last chapter?" Roy asked.
Don't argue with the author!
"But-"
OH FINE!
(insert some sappy music)…THE END!
Oh yeah, and what I learned is not all stories have useful morals! So thanks for reading Know Your Smashers!