Chapter Two

"I miss Johnny. And It's all her fault, all Cherry's fault, he died!" I sobbed, miserably.

Two-Bit looked slightly taken aback, but took it in stride, "Come on, Jessie. You can't blame no one - Johnny chose to go into that church. No one made him, did they?"

"He wouldn't have been near that church if it weren't for Cherry trying to pick up him and Ponyboy and tickin' off her stupid Soc boyfriend!" I knew I wasn't making much sense, but I needed someone to blame. It was as much Ponyboy's fault as Cherry's and I knew this too, but I couldn't bear to blame someone who had been hurt as much as I had been. Cherry was a Soc - she could go out and buy herself something real pretty to wash away the shame and hurt. Blaming someone was my own form of therapy.

"That's just stupid, Jessie and you know it. We all miss Johnny. Hell, he was the smartest one of all of us when you think about it. But there's nothin' you can do now, and you have to accept that." Two-Bit's voice had a bitter edge to it that I rarely heard and it made me recoil slightly.

F L A S H B A C K

I could feel his fingers on my hipbone, tracing vague circles up my side, and then his thumb on my cheek. He kept his gaze steady, starring at me, my face, his eyes ...questioning? Yes, questioning. I lifted my gaze to his and gave a slight nod. My heartbeat sped up, my eyes were closing, his face was so close. And then I felt his lips on mine, slightly chapped and unsure, and then gaining momentum as I leaned in to his kiss. It was over sooner than I expected, but I was breathing hard, and so was Johnny. There had been so much tension, so much want, so many expectations that he had resolved in that sweet, hesitant kiss.

This couldn't be it, I needed more. Johnny had a hungry look in his eyes, and I knew I looked similar. I felt like a heroin addict looking for another hit, I needed him, I needed what he stood for, and who he was. My hands shook as I began to unbutton his shirt. He didn't look surprised, just worried. "Are you sure?" he whispered. His face was so close to mine I could feel his warm breath on my lips, and in that moment all my insecurities and hesitations melted away. I had no idea where it was going. All I had was sheer impulse, recklessness, and a grade school crush to back me up. I thought briefly of Darry and Soda and Pony and what they would do if they ever found out, but the thought did nothing to detere me.

Johnny's shirt was off and I felt his fingers on my collarbone, travelling down my stomach, and smoothing the hem of my cotton shirt between his thumb and forefinger. He looked me straight in the eye as he pulled it up and over my head, leaving me exposed and vulnerable to ...emotions and fate. I could feel his mouth on my shoulders, my chest, my arms, my stomach, my hip bones ...

E N D

"But Two-Bit, you don't understand. I loved him! I loved Johnny." My voice was quiet, an octave above a whisper.

"Shoot, Jess. We all did - you know he was as close to me as you could get without bein' blood."

"No! I loved him ...I was in love with him."

Two-Bit stared at me long and hard, probably trying to gauge whether I was joking or not. "What do you mean you were in love with him?" he finally asked. His voice was low and unsure.

"I mean I was in love with him! I ...we ...we were seein' each other. Nobody knew. Not even Pony.
We kept it a secret 'cause we knew you all wouldn't take it so well. It'd been goin' on for almost 8 months before he ...," my voice caught and I scrunched up my nose to stem the flow of tears, "before he died."

Two-Bit didn't say anything, just sat there and tugged up blades of grass, his face unreadable, but his eyes stormy.

"Are you mad?" I squeaked the words out, afraid of his reaction.

"That was a damned thing to lie about, Jessie! Soda and Darry are workin' full time to give you and Pony a better life and you're sneakin' around under their noses for 8 whole months!" He stood up abruptly and I scrambled to my feet. Two-Bit had never spoken to me like that, ever, and I could feel my whole body tremble.

"Well I'm not sorry!" I spouted angrily. "Darry never gives me the time of day - he only cares about Pony's grades and Soda's job, and makin' money! You think things are all wonderful and perfect, but you don't know, Two-Bit! I loved Johnny more than I ever loved anyone in my family, and now he's gone and now things will go back to how they were before - Pony and Soda will be the center of everyone's universe, Darry will be the hero, and I'll be left in the gutter!"

"What are you talking about? You and Soda and Pony get along just fine! I've been around y'all to know that much. Maybe Darry gives you a hard time, so what? He cares about you more than both my parents care about me! So you can just shut up about your brothers. They're good people, and you'd do well to pay them some respect!"

Two-Bit was silent for a long time before suddenly grabbing me by the arm,"Come on."

I jerked away impulsively, "Get offa me! Where are we going?"

"To your house to tell your brothers exactly what you just told me."

"No! Please Two-Bit, I can't. I can't tell them." I wiggled my arm frantically, but he only held on tighter.

"They deserve to know, Jessie."

And so we walked slowly back to the Curtis household, my stomach in knots, my heart in turmoil. It was easy to spout all that off to Two-Bit knowing there wouldn't be huge consequences except for a speech like the one he'd given me, but to tell my brothers, who I really did love but felt nothing but dislike for right then ...well, that was different. When we reached the house, Darry and Soda were out front with Steve, sitting on the steps and the latter smoking. I glanced up at Two-Bit and he cocked his eyebrows at me and gave me a quick push forward.

"Hey." I said miserably, sitting on the bottom step.

"Jessie here seems to think you two don't care about her." Two-Bit blurted. I gaped at him, wanting nothing more than to kick him in the head. He definitely wasn't one of the most tactful people I'd ever met.

"What?" Soda asked, looking between me and Two-Bit.

Darry said nothing, just stood up and glanced at Steve, who took the hint and got up to leave.

"Later Curtis's!" He called over his shoulder before slamming the gate behind him. Darry sat back down and stared at me, "What's this about?"

"Yeah, Jellybean. What's he talking about?" Soda asked.

I shrugged and picked at a hangnail. "Just what he said, I s'pose." I could feel Two-Bit's gaze on me and looked up at him, "What!
What do you want me to say!"

"Exactly what you told me." he crossed his arms and dropped down beside me. Soda had moved down a step so he was directly behind me, and draped his arm across my shoulder. "What's up, honey?"

When I still refused to speak, Two-Bit prompted me, "I was in love with ..."

"Shut up! Shut up, Two-Bit!" I jerked away from Soda's arm and stood up. "I was in love with Johnny, okay? I loved him! And he loved me."

"We all loved him, Jessie." Soda said, looking confused.

I rolled my eyes. Boys were morons. "No Soda. I loved him-loved him. We were ...we were dating."

"WHAT!" Darry roared, on his feet. I winced and took a step back. "How long, Jessie? How long was this going on for?"

I wanted to curl up and die. "Eight months. Well, almost eight months."

Darry looked as if he wanted to smack the living daylights out of me, but settled with stomping into the house and slamming the door. I could hear him calling for Ponyboy, and they both appeared outside a few seconds later, Pony looking quite bewildered.

"Did you know anything about this?" Darry demanded.

"What? About what?" Pony asked.

"About Jessie and Johnny!" Soda interjected.

"What? What about them?" No one answered him, and Pony looked so out of the loop that I almost laughed.

"You didn't ...I mean, you guys never ..." Soda began, looking mighty uncomfortable.

I squirmed uncomfortably. My first impulse was to lie, but I was already in so deep I didn't think it would matter. Boy, was I wrong. "Er - once."

Soda looked like he might start crying, and Darry looked as if someone had smacked him. Even Two-Bit's mouth was hanging open.

"You slut!" Pony said angrily. Pony and I had never, ever called each other anything so vicious before and I could feel my blood boiling. I lunged out to punch him or kick him or whatever came first, but Soda had got to his feet and grabbed me round the waist. I kicked furiously, the anger rising, escalating. "Take that back, Pony! Take it back!"

"How could you, Jessie! He was my best friend! How could you lie to me?" Pony screamed.

"Shut up! You don't know anything! Maybe we never told you because we knew you'd run off and tell everyone who'd -"

"Stop it, both of you!" Darry yelled, his eyes blazing. Soda gave me one last hard jerk before putting me down.

"I'M OUTTA HERE!" I screamed, before running as fast as I could down the walk, and out of the yard.