Pots
By Shay Willard
Characters:
General Pot
Private Pot
Lieutenant Pot
Major Pot
Link
Nabooru
Gerudo Soldier
Scene 1: In the atrium of the spirit temple, Private and Lieutenant Pot are talking.
L: Private?
P: Yes Lieutenant?
L: Can I go off the record for a few minutes?
P: Sure thing sir!
L: What the hell are we doing here?
P: What do you mean sir?
L: I mean, we're here, in the Spirit Temple, waiting. But why?
P: The general said we're supposed to get that Link Kid.
L: But to what end?
P: I suppose… to kill him!
L: But why?
P: Because he needs to die!
L: That's all good and well, but what will we achieve if we kill him?
P: Well… we'll… fulfill our mission.
L: You're real square kid.
P: I beg to differ, I'm quite sure I'm round.
L: I mean, you never think about the orders we're given. Does this make any sense?
P: It shouldn't have to make sense sir. We enlisted, didn't we? We should just follow orders like we've been given.
L: Wait, you enlisted?
P: Of course! I was just a carrier pot in the Gerudo Fortress, when the General came in on a cart. He was with a big, dark guy, who had these two old hags with him. The General was real adamant about getting people on the cart with him, but I was the only one who volunteered.
L: And how, pray tell, did you get onto the cart?
P: I flew of course!
L: (stunned silence)
P: You're silence suggests you're stunned sir.
L: YOU CAN FLY?
P: Well sure! Every good pot soldier can, can't you?
L: I DON'T KNOW! I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR DAMN NEAR 30 YEARS SINCE THE GERUDO BUILT THIS PLACE!
P: No need to get angry sir, why don't you try it?
L: HOW THE HECK DID I GET INVOVLED IN THIS FIASCO?
P: Sir, calm down! It's not that big, just try flying!
L: Do you know how dangerous that is? Is it possible for you to land without breaking yourself?
P: No sir, you'll certainly break.
L: And how, pray tell, do you put yourself together?
P: Once someone leaves the room you automatically respawn! Isn't that COOL?
L: Do you see anyone in the room, private?
P: Well no sir, but I'm sure someone will come eventually.
(enter Nabooru. Lieutenant and Private Pot theoretically watch her)
P: See, someone just came in! Now's your chance!
L: Now you tell me why I should believe a word you say.
P: Because I've done it! I swear it works!
L: Prove it.
P: Ok, sure!
(Private gets up and flies towards Nabooru, who ducks. Private shatters against the wall)
N: Oh, how he has trapped this place. (rolls eyes) He's cursed the pots.
L: (panicking) Private! Private! Oh my great Ming he's been shattered! Private, speak to me! You whore, you've killed the private! Chaaaarrrge! (Lieutenant flies towards Nabooru, who bats him away with her scimitar. Lieutenant is also shattered against the wall)
(Nabooru sighs, then smashes all the other pots in the room. She investigates the hole in the wall further, then deciding she can't fit in, leaves. Just after she leaves, Lieutenant, Private, and all the other pots piece back together and return to their original places very quickly.)
P: See, I told you! You can fly, and you're immortal!
L: That's a dreary thought. What if no one ever leaves the room, then what?
P: Someone will have to leave the room!
L: What if they destroy this place?
P: Lieutenant, you're panicking again. You can fly, isn't that something?
L: I can fly in one direction. I can't even change course. I fly in one direction, I shatter against the wall, and I respawn. What kind of life is this?
P: Does it matter? We can fly!
L: We've made a circle again Private, why can we fly, what does it achieve?
P: Well, we can get Link! Once we get Link, then we'll complete our mission!
L: Then what?
P: Then we can… um… get more orders!
L: I sure hope this is worth it.
(enter Major Pot)
M: Ok ladies, we've got the General here! Look lively now, he's mad!
(enter General Pot)
G: What are you pansies doing? You attacked the Lady Nabooru! She's the minion of the great Ganondorf, you nitwits!
(L and P are trying not to laugh)
M: Are you laughin at the General you sniveling little ashtrays?
L: Well, it's just that, don't you think Ganondorf is kind of a funny name?
G: I will not have you insulting the great Ganondorf like that, fodder-bottom!
(General flies at Lieutenant, and both are smashed)
M: Oh my Ming! General, are you all right?
P: Oh, he'll be all right.
M: He's been smashed into a thousand pieces, he's lying on the ground, my General has been completely destroyed! Can't you see? We've lost the war! (M begins to scream as he runs around in circles. P watches, bemused.)
M: Stop looking at me so bemusedly! Can't you see we have a problem?
P: Hey, you can walk?
M: Of course I can.
P: How?
M: Enemy number 228, the pot beetle. I'm a pot with legs. General was too, before he was smashed!
P: Oh. Leave the room
M: How can I do that? The general is dead!
P: Just do it!
M: I must collect the General!
P: You have no arms!
(M is stunned by this sudden revelation)
P: Go into the next room, and beyond there are some Stalfos. Maybe you can ask them for help.
M: Ok, ok. Wait here General, I shall return!
(M exits. The General and Lieutenant are pieced back together as before.)
G: You have fought well Lieutenant, I'm glad you're fighting by me and not that Link!
L: General, may I ask you a question?
G: No questions, subordinate, you're too low to think.
L: Just a question sir.
G: I suppose, but I doubt you'll understand the answer.
L: Very kind of you. Why are we trying to kill Link?
G: Why, because that's what the great Koume ordered us to do!
L: And who, pray tell, is Koume?
P: She was one of the two old hags that was on the cart with me!
L: Why does she want to kill Link?
G: That's something a soldier shouldn't be asking.
L: Oh come on! I have a right to know why I'm killing another living being, don't I?
(silence)
L: What?
G: Did you say living?
P: Link's alive?
L: Well, I would think so. That woman that came in here was alive. I suppose Link is just like her.
P: General, you didn't think we could actually kill someone who was alive, did you?
G: (in awe)
L: General, are you okay?
G: (practically in tears) We should honored my subordinates! The great Koume has entrusted us with a task commonly thought impossible! To kill a living being! Make sure you say thank you to her next time she comes by, you swine!
L: It's not commonly thought to be impossible, it is impossible!
G: How so?
L: It's common knowledge that the minimum amount of pots it takes to kill a human being is six. At a minimum. Last I saw, there were four of us.
G: Faith, my subordinate, he may be weakened upon his entry.
L: I'm sick of faith.
G: Then you'll never be a real soldier!
P: He's got a point. Isn't it a fact that a real soldier will follow his orders regardless of reason or purpose, even if it's suicide?
(silence as the main metaphor of this piece sinks into the audience)
G: Where's major?
(as if on cue, who would think, Major reappears next to General)
G: Ah there you are, footling. Come with me into the next room, we must talk to the Stalfos about his fighting stance. Much too defensive, I think.
M: Sir… I've been to see the Stalfos. He's plenty offesnsive, believe me.
G: Ah! Well done footling! Taking care of my duties while I am injured! I believe you won't have to lick my feet tonight!
M: I have no tongue sir.
G: Then how are we talking?
(a good question, and everyone ponders this)
G: Well, we'll be off. Remember, if you see a small boy with a fairy, attack him! Even if you but injure him, perhaps the blades in the next room will finish him off!
(exit)
L: He never answered my question.
P: I think he did.
L: Faith, right?
P: Yessir!
L: I wish I was one of those blades next door. They follow the same path every day, no thinking, no talking, no orders. They can't even control themselves.
P: Are you sure you'd rather be out of control?
L: Better to be out of control of a life than in charge of a pointless one.
(another moment to let another powerful message sink in)
P: So what do we do now sir?
L: We wait.
P: For what?
L: For Link to come.
P: How long will that take?
L: When did you start asking questions?
P: Sorry sir.
(enter Major)
M: Swine! Reports say that Nabooru has reentered the colossus and is coming this way. If you attack her again, the general says he'll see to it you're moved to a desk job in the valley! (exit Major)
L: We don't have any arms.
P: So?
L: How are we supposed to do a desk job without any arms? This General seems to be an expert at empty threats.
P: Well, we're all empty, but we all have a point.
L: I think we're all empty, and we're all just round.
P: Now don't get depressed sir!
L: I'm trying to put as many powerful statements out as I can before Nabooru comes.
P: Right, good point. How did we know Nabooru was coming?
L: There are a few pots over by the fairy fountain.
P: I've always wanted to see a fairy fountain.
(enter Nabooru with a small Gerudo scout who carries a large Gerudo spear)
L: Stay quiet private, she may be upset about last time.
N: Stupid respawn.
P: Sir?
L: Just stay quiet.
(Nabooru whispers something to the other Gerudo, and both run past the pots up the stairs and by the hole)
P: Sir?
L: Shhh, she's still afraid of us.
P: Sir, I doubt that.
(Nabooru has tried to shove the small Gerudo into the hole, but cannot make it work)
N: You displease me. Back to the base.
L: She is displeased! That must mean she wants us to attack the other one!
P: Sir yes sir!
Both: CHAAAAARGE!
(They both miss the Gerudo, who is running, and smash into each other, shattering. The Gerudo leaves, and they are immediately respawned)
P: Sir!
L: (annoyed) Yes, Private?
P: Are we inept, or was she just that good?
L: I think it's both, Private.
P: Sir!
L What?
P: I think we're just inept!
(enter Major)
M: You two are the most inept pair of… of… urns I've seen in my entire life! You saw how upset Nabooru was, and yet you couldn't even nick that Gerudo?
L: Sir, she was pretty fast.
M: YOU ARE A FLYING POT! YOU DEFY THE LAWS OF NATURE, AND YET YOU WERE BESTED BY A SMALL GERUDO!
P: He's got a point there Lieutenant.
L: I could really use some support here kid.
P: Sir! Major, I believe that Gerudo also defies the laws of nature!
M: You better have a good explanation for this, maggot.
P: I spent some time in the fortress sir! I'd seen her around! I saw her get hit by an arrow in the foot once accidentally at the archery range, and she was knocked out for nearly a day, but when someone hit her in the head with a hookshot, she was only out of commission for a few seconds!
M: I will report this insolence to the general!
(exit major)
L: Did he call us urns?
P: I think so sir.
L: Was that supposed to be an insult?
P: Most likely sir.
L: Do they realize just how incompetent they are?
P: Most likely sir.
L: You'd think they would have fixed that by now.
P: Not likely sir.
L: I think you have another powerful statement to make.
P: Perhaps sir, but I doubt it.
L: Out with it.
P: They may realize that they're inept, but because they are inept, then they figure their incompetence is actually extreme competence.
L: When did you become so wise?
P: Rule of the trade sir.
L: What do you mean?
P: Character evolution! The ignorant one becomes wise throughout the play!
L: This is a game, not a play, and you're not a character.
P: Oh right sir, good point! Want to play charades?
L: We don't have any arms.
P: Ok, how about eye spy?
L: (frustrated) All right, fine. I spy something brown.
P: The statue sir!
L: Right.
P: I spy something blue!
L: The time block.
P: Very good sir! Your turn!
L: I think I'm through.
P: Ok, well, I spy something… green!
L: Is it Link?
P: Nope, just kidding, hahaha!
(enter major again)
M: All right boys, here comes your chance, Link has just warped in outside. He'll be coming in any second. Luckily, he's been waylaid by a loose cannon owl. If you two turds screw this up, there'll be hell to pay.
P: Yes sir!
L: Whatever.
M: I'll be back to fix that attitude after you kill Link!
(exit Major)
L: Whoopdy shit.
(enter Young Link, looking around, cautiously)
L: Ok private, wait for him to think everything's ok.
P: Yessir!
(Young Link, satisfied that the room is clear, noticeably lets his guard down)
L: ATTTACK!
P: (screams a war cry)
(Both pots fly towards Young Link, who panics, and tries to take out his sword, failing. Both pots hit him, and both shatter. Link bends over, but then gets up, checking his side. He shrugs, and continues on up the stairs)
End of Scene One
Scene Two, same place, same pots. No Nabooru or Link to be seen.
P: Hey Lieutenant!
L: What is it Private?
P: Want to play twenty questions?
L: (sighs) Sure.
P: Ok, I got it.
L: Is it a person?
P: Yes! 19.
L: Is it Link?
P: Nope! 18.
L: Is it Nabooru?
P: Nope! 17.
L: Is it the general?
P: No silly, the general isn't a person, he's a thing!
L: Now you said he was a person yesterday when we played this.
P: Did I? Oh well! 16.
L: (sighs) Is it Gannondorf?
P: Nope! 15
L: Ok, how about Koume?
P: Close! 14.
L: Kotake?
P: Right! Good for you lieutenant, you always get it in less than 8 questions!
L: You only know 8 people, 3 places, and about 7 things.
P: Well that just makes it easier on you now doesn't it?
L: Easy for me? I only know one place, but the same amount of people and things!
P: Too bad for you poo poo face!
L: Poo poo face? What do you mean by poo poo face? You're a good-for nothing fly!
P: I know I can, but what can you?
L: Haven't we had this exact same argument?
P: Yes, about 4 years ago.
(silence)
L: How long has it been?
P: 7 years, sir, since we've seen anyone except the major.
L: We don't even know if the general is out there.
P: I think he is. He's been watching us the entire time. He wasn't very happy after we bungled up the Link thing.
L: We hit him, didn't we?
P: Two direct hits, sir!
L: Hardly our fault we don't do much damage.
(silence. Lieutenant and Private seem used to this sort of thing. The silence is drawn out for a good thirty seconds, with the pots only occasionally coughing and clearing their throats)
P: Do you ever wish we could sleep?
L: What?
P: I used to watch the Gerudo do it. They would lie down for a bout 7 or 8 hours when it got dark out and close their eyes. They seemed perfectly fine doing that. They never cared that they were doing nothing.
L: Sounds kind of like what we're doing.
P: We've been asleep for 7 years?
L: Well, we've certainly done nothing.
P: I think it's more like after we've been shattered, before we respawn. Do you actually remember anything that happens during that period of time?
L: I seem to remember being somewhere else, with other people.
P: Where?
L: Different places. Places I've never seen before. But they sure were beautiful. Not like this sandy waste.
P: I think they call that dreaming, sir.
L: That's a nice word. Dream. Sort of rolls off your tongue. The word is soft.
P: That's real poetic, sir.
L: Private, I think after all these years, you can stop calling me sir.
P: What should I call you sir? Seems the only other option is Lieutenant.
L: Call me Dream.
P: That's a funny name, sir.
L: I like it.
P: Dream?
L: Yes, private?
P: Can you give me a name too?
L: Sure. We'll call you Sleep.
P: Now that's a pair of names I think that other pots can appreciate.
L: Sleep, it's been a long seven years. For the thirty before it, I never knew company. I didn't even know I could talk.
P: Don't worry about time, Dream, there's plenty of it to go around. It's not like we'll run out of it soon.
L: How right you are, Sleep… how right.
P: Dream?
L: Yes?
P: We've lost it.
L: Lost what?
P: It, you know, the thing we're here for.
L: (suddenly switches to "war mode." His voice and temperament are strangely similar to General) What do you mean, Private? Did we miss Link? How could you have let him get by us? Speak up Private!
P: Lieutenant, sir! We didn't miss him, I swear, I was just saying that we've kind of, you know, gone a little crazy!
L: Need I remind you, maggot, that we are two talking pots whose very purpose in life is to kill a little boy that has a fairy following him? Doesn't that sound a little crazy to you?
P: Sir! I realize the circumstances we find ourselves in are indeed odd, but that does not sanction such insanity, sir!
L: How so? The entire world around is crazy! Why shouldn't we join them?
P: It's a disease sir! Just a disease, and you're starting to scare me!'
L: I better be scaring you, Private! You deserve to live in terror!
P: Sir?
L: Look at you, Private, you're sitting here spouting philosophical mumbo-jumbo about faith and stupidity, and yet, through these seven years, have you once thought about what we're actually doing? Doesn't it matter to you that our lives revolve around killing a little boy?
P: No sir!
L: Then you're the only insane person here, and you sicken me.
(Private picks himself up, and flies against the wall)
P: IT'S NOT FAIR!
(He is silence when he shatters against the wall)
L: You think that's not fair. Try sitting in one place for thirty seven years. Try doing exactly as you're told, and not getting one goddamned word of thanks out of anyone. Try seeing an entire temple constructed around you, knowing that you're just a container of no worth to anyone, and you'll never be anything else. Try being trapped in a room for thirty seven years with no way out. Once you realize that we're doomed and there is no reason for us to be here, we'll talk about what's fair.
(Lieutenant waits. Enter Major)
M: Word of Link from our scouts at the carpenter's camp. He's just entered the Gerudo fortress. If he gets past them, then he'll surely be on his way here. You two better be ready. And Lieutenant, you look kind of dazed. Snap out of it. Remember, life's a comedy. And if you don't get the joke, who will?
(Happy at having hade a philosophical remark, Major exits. Private is immediately respawned)
L: Now, that's funny.
(Lieutenant begins to laugh. At first, it is a small giggle, but then gets larger and larger until it fills the entire room.)
P: Lieutenant? Sir? Sir!
(Lieutenant continues laughing)
P: Lieutenant! Sir!
(Private then emits a yell that no one of that stature should be allowed to emit)
P: SIR!
(Lieutenant stops)
L: What is it, Private?
P: What's so funny sir?
L: That the major didn't notice.
P: That I was shattered?
L: No. He didn't notice that Link didn't warp in. Remember, seven years ago, he warped in? Why does he suddenly find it necessary to walk in through the desert?
P: Maybe he lost his warping ability. It has been a long time.
L: I feel as though we're missing something very important here. This Link character may be more important than we think.
P: Than you think, sir. Far as I know, he's the most important person in my life.
L: I'm going to ignore that last comment Private.
P: Are you feeling better sir?
L: I think so.
P: You frightened me, sir.
L: I know, Private. Didn't I tell you to stop calling me sir?
P: All due respect, sir, soon afterwards you sort of went crazy. I'm fine calling you sir… sir.
L: Very well then.
(Another moment of uncomfortable silence. Well, at least for the audience)
P: Sir?
L: What?
P: Maybe we should plan tactically, you know, so that this time we'll actually get Link. I think our efforts were a little improvised last time, sir. That doesn't necessarily account for prime warfare…
L: Private, you've learned a lot over the last seven years.
P: Merely a suggestion, sir.
L: A good suggestion at that.
P: Thank you sir!
(Enter General and Major. The other two are metaphorically huddling and planning)
G: Major Maggot, this may very well be our last shot.
M: I know sir, I know. But we'll get him this time.
G: Tell me Mud, have all of our outposts been briefed?
M: These two here in the lobby know, the throne room is secure, and the mirror room is well guarded. You're pots are set and ready to go.
G: Well done, Slime. Now, how else can we pass the time?
M: Passing time sir?
G: Well yes. We're waiting for Link to show up. We need a way to pass the time. Slapstick comedy, sexual innuendos, puns. Make me laugh my little door stop.
(unsure of what to do, Major begins to do a dance. General is very amused)
G: Thta is strangely amusing, you can stop dancing… (pauses). You know, in the seven years we've been here, I think I've called you every conceivable insult at least twice.
M: Three times sir.
G: Indeed. I am out of ideas. From here on out, I will not give you the pleasure of being addressed by any name whatsoever.
M: Aren't I lucky.
G: What was that?
M: Just a Beckett reference sir.
G: No existentialism while I'm in the room, do you hear me? That's enough to cause a revolt! There is a god, and I am he! You have no destiny I do not determine, understood you slop-nosed beetle-brained pig-faced sty-butted fly?
M: Yes sir. A point of reference, sir. That insult was not particularly stinging because I have no nose, no face, no brain, and indeed no butt. The fly part you covered two years ago when I tried to capture the skulltula.
G: Ah the memories we share, toadstool. Remember when we fought that stalfos?
M: And I was shattered?
G: Yes! And I got away unscathed. Remember when we fought that iron knuckle?
M: And I was shattered?
G: Of course! If I remember, I was fine after that. How could I forget when we fought the sand crawler?
M: I fought that sir. You were watching.
G: You lost, if I remember,
M: No sir, I defeated that sand crawler.
G: Ah, my advice no doubt. The outsiders view.
M: NO SIR, I DIDN'T HAVE YOUR SORRY ASS TO GUARD!
(Uncomfortable pause. This time it really is uncomfortable)
G: Oh, giggle-berry, you joke so often, and you are so funny. What other fights have we had, sherbet-drop?
M: You're insults are getting dry sir.
G: I asked you a question, needle-turd.
M: (sighs) I distinctly remember when you tried to usurp Koume and she shattered you against the wall and threatened to leave your remains in a sealed room.
G: Indeed, but I crawled out just in time after being brutally attacked, twig-citrus.
M: I carried you out sir before she could seal it.
(General Ignores him)
G: I think you should go check on the reports from the Fairy Fountain, silver-pen.
M: Indeed sir.
(they exit)
L: So that's it. The perfect strategy. We can't lose him.
P: You really think it will work sir?
L: Of course, my friend! It can't fail! We've been at this for seven years; we have to make up for it somehow!
P: Yes sir!
L: Remember the plan!
P: Sir, yes sir!
L: So now we pass the time.
P: Well, he can't be that far off. What shall we do?
(silence)
P: Sir?
L: Well, we could talk for a while about how there isn't anything to do.
P: If we had a rope or something we could make a Beckett reference.
L: I feel as though we'll get a chance by the end of the play for that.
P: I thought this was a game sir.
L: Good point.
P: Still round.
L: That's eight hundred and thirty four times you've made that joke.
P: Still sharp though!
L: That's four hundred and seventeen.
P: Bet you can't divide that number by two!
L: That's the first time you've made that joke.
P: I didn't even know I could do basic arithmetic!
(screams are heard from off stage. Enter Major)
M: Good news or bad news?
L: Bad.
M: Link's on his way here. He just passed the grave in the desert.
P: Good news?
M: Well, we're officially relieved of duty.
L: What?
M: General has been… demoted. I was put in his place.
P: And?
M: And I say enough of this bullshit. We're pots. We can't kill anyone. You do what you want to. I'm going to the colossus head to tan.
(as major leaves, Private shouts)
P: Sir, you don't have any skin to tan!
(Private and Lieutenant look at each other, as if they knew this would happen)
P: Well?
L: Seven years waiting for this and now we don't even need to do it anymore.
P: Well, we can do what we want.
L: I don't want to do this.
P: Sir, you seem depressed that you don't need to.
L: I've been thinking about this for seven goddamned years.
P: Then let's do it, sir!
L: We've been relieved of duty, I'm not sir anymore.
P: I don't care, sir! We've got a job to do!
(Enter Link)
L: Foolish pot.
P: I can't do it alone sir!
(Link walks towards them)
L: We can't do it at all.
P: Believe what you want! CCHHHHAAAARGE!
L: Goddamnit! CHARGE!
(The two pots fly towards Link. He lifts his sword, slices Lieutenant in half, then gets private with the hilt of the sword. He leaves the room and they respawn)
P: We tried.
L: Shut up.
P: Well, we can do what we want now.
L: Fine, lets go.
(Pause, lights dim, but immediately return)
P: Nice reference sir, but you know we can't actually go anywhere.
L: Yeah, I do.
P: Well then, we can play a game.
L: One hell of an eternity.
P: We can remain quiet for a while then.
L: Just for a few years.
P: Sure thing!
(They are quiet. The play ends with the lights up.)