Happy Sunday Friends – This is a post 5X8 oneshot that gives us some closure after a very unsatisfying ending and hope for the road ahead. I mean honestly, what do we have to do to get Surrera having a real conversation… Anyhow, enjoy! XO, Reddixon
When Andy left the station that day it felt like a lifetime had passed since she'd arrived there that morning. Between the cold shoulder she'd first received from Robert in the beanery, to her puzzling and regrettable interaction with Beckett, her conversation with Carina and the talk she needed to have with her husband finally happening... she felt like she'd been put through the ringer. Her thoughts and emotions were all over the place. Things she felt certain of earlier that morning weren't so black and white anymore. Entering Maya's apartment, Andy shook her head and sighed... she worried that maybe she was overstaying her welcome, they were newlyweds after all, but she hadn't had it in her to find her own place yet.
After putting the last of the toys under the tree and packing up the supplies Andy had taken one last look around the beanery. Her eyes had landed in the TV room and while Robert couldn't see her, she peered through the window at him. The day had thawed her and by the end, she felt like she'd seen him, the man she fell in love with, for the first time in a long time. Fading into the background was the filter of anger that had consumed her and clouded her judgment. Today she'd felt the familiar swell of warmth in his presence. It was confusing because despite everything that had transpired between them, the time that passed and the strong feelings of hurt and disappointment, when she softened…she knew. She still loved him and was certain he loved her.
Their conversation in the PRT left her feeling lighter after their laughter and their admissions of truth, but she was no less conflicted about the way forward. No she wasn't her mother and wasn't destined to make Elena's mistakes and also no Robert wasn't her father though she'd been treating him like he was the one who'd spent most of her adult life trying to control her under the guise of "protecting her". But Robert had still done something that made her respond viscerally with anger.
Deep down Andy knew it didn't make sense. It wasn't an issue of love and there was a part of her that wished so badly things could be different. She knew people in relationships made mistakes but her anger still felt so valid, Robert had to be hurt by her actions too and at this point they'd spent more time at odds than together. Why had moving past this felt so damn hard? Sadly, despite feeling better after the ride back to the station, nothing had actually changed. What she was sure of, was that she had to do something to take them out of the holding pattern they'd been in for well over a year. Robert had signed and it was time for her to do the same.
Robert felt her without needing to turn around. She'd been tidying up the last bits of their gift wrapping when he sat down in front of the TV. He watched her put things on the cart and clear the table. Even though she hadn't been at 19 for over a year, it was still very much her home. She seemed relaxed and happy there despite how uncomfortable it should be. Robert wasn't sure how he was feeling after their conversation in the PRT earlier. He'd listened to her talk about her parents, opened up about his mom and some about the challenges he'd faced with Claire, despite their great love. They'd laughed. And for the first time in longer than he could remember, things between them weren't charged with anger, hurt or disappointment.
After her admission about Beckett, he'd resolved that things were over. As much as he loved her and wanted to hang on, it was clear that she wasn't able to or willing to do that. She'd been cold, dismissive and it was obvious she wanted to hurt him. It pained him to feel and see her behave that way, but it also pointed to stuff going on within her that he couldn't do anything about.
She hadn't acted like or treated him like the woman he fell in love with for a long time and he knew there had to be something going on under the surface, but it was no longer his place to figure it out. To take care of himself and move forward with his life, he had to let her go. He hated the thought, but it was time.
After a hot shower Andy changed into PJs and made her way into the kitchen. She poured an extra large glass of red wine for liquid courage. Carina had teased her mercilessly about drinking beer and whiskey before taking pity on her and helping her find some wines she actually enjoyed. Taking a long sip and deep breath she pulled the divorce papers from the freezer. Her hands shook as she pulled them out. Sitting down with the large manilla envelope at the desk in Maya's guestroom, Andy couldn't help but think back to their wedding day, the vows she and Robert took and the love she felt so strongly.
FLASHBACK...
"We could have gotten a hotel or gone away for the weekend. We have a few days off," Robert said with a smile as he and Andy walked hand and hand up the cement walkway of what was now 'their' apartment. Their intimate courthouse wedding with just Pruitt in attendance and the judge had been meaningful and beautiful. Yes, bittersweet because they didn't know how much time he still had with them, but filled with love and happiness nonetheless.
Looking over at her husband, Andy returned his smile, "I like this. We can do a trip later… this is home."
Unlocking the door, Robert scooped up his wife and carried her over the threshold. "Welcome home, then." As Andy's arms circled his neck she leaned in and captured Robert's lips with hers.
From the first moment their lips connected in the station barn all those months ago, the heat between them was undeniable . Even when they were upset with each other, it was always running just under the current, but in this moment it wasn't a firey open flame unfolding between them...this kiss felt like calm, uncomplicated, unadulterated love. It felt simple and safe. It felt like home.
After slowly lowering her small form to the ground, Robert pulled Andy close and held the small of her back. "I love you and I plan to spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me."
Andy held her husband's gaze and let the feelings of love and happiness she had wash over her. She wanted to remember this moment. Sporting a ridiculous grin, she replied back easily. "I love you and I'm already happy." Andy reached up both hands to cup Robert's face before placing another quick kiss on his lips. "The only thing that would make me happier right now is you helping me out of this dress and taking me to bed." Needing no convincing Robert grabbed his wife's hand, kissed the back of it and led her up the stairs.
BACK TO PRESENT...
Andy wasn't sure how long she'd sat at the desk, clicking the pen in her hand absentmindedly, staring at the partially signed papers in front of her. She did know, the longer she sat and thought, the less right it seemed. She grazed a finger across Robert's signature scrawled on the dotted line and wondered how long he'd spent looking at the papers before he got the courage to sign.
When he'd given her the papers back all those months ago, she'd been planning to tell him that she was reconsidering things. Her conversation with Diane was ringing loudly in her ears and she'd realized there was clearly more going on than she understood. She wanted to talk to him before she lost the guts. It had taken the wind out of her sails to hear him say, "I signed." He was clearly giving her the out she said she wanted...but what if that had changed? What if the only thing she was sure of at this moment was she didn't actually want to sign?
A short while later...
The noise of the door opening startled Robert from his sleep. As his eyes adjusted to the light he saw Andy's petite form in the doorway of his small bunk. Her wavy reddish locks cascaded down around her shoulders and she donned PJ's, slippers and an oversized hoodie. "You okay?" He questioned with sleep in his voice. Sitting up slightly he waited for her response.
"Hysterical, historical." Andy said tentatively as she shut the door to the bunk behind her and walked further into the small room. She blurted the words out as if they would make sense on their own with no context, barely giving her husband time to fully wake up.
Leaning on his elbow, confusion flitted across Robert's brow as he tried to simultaneously wake up and make sense of what she was saying. "What?"
Andy paced a little as she continued. "It's something Diane told me."
Robert nodded his head trying to follow along. "Okay."
"You know out of all the people in my life that could say something… Jack is the only one who did." Andy shook her head a little. It was the first time she admitted out loud that she felt distant from most of the people she considered family.
Still unsure where she was going, Robert finally said, "I'm not following…"
Andy looked over at her husband and saw the confusion on his face. "Sorry. I'm not making sense."
"Keep talking. One of us will figure it out," Robert encouraged gently as he sat up and rested his back against the small headboard.
Andy sighed long and deep before sitting down at the opposite end of Robert's small bed. Kicking off her Ugg slippers she tucked her feet under her and resolved to continue. "The day of the crisis one training he told me what I did to you was... pretty messed up. That basically I did to you what my mom did to me." Andy snuck a peek over at Robert to see if his face would tell her what he was thinking but it didn't. Even in the dim light she could see his expression remain neutral. "I was annoyed of course because it was him but mostly because… he was right."
Robert wasn't sure where she was going with all this and also wasn't sure now was the time to unpack it. It was late, he was on shift and they'd already agreed to just sign the papers and move on. While yes, he'd been aching for an apology, for her to realize what she'd done was wrong, he just didn't think it made that much difference at this point. He'd accepted that things just weren't meant to be. "Andy..." He began.
Before he could say anything else, Andy continued. "Robert, I didn't say it earlier, but I am sorry…I know it was a mistake to leave like I did. I know I hurt you." Andy waited for him to return her gaze and when she finally caught his eyes in the dim light she knew her apology had landed.
Unsure how to feel as he listened to Andy's words, Robert nodded his head. Sure, what she said helped, but it also felt like too little too late. He'd forgiven her months ago even without an apology because the anger, the hurt, the disappointment was consuming him and he couldn't keep feeling that way. After so much time, her verbalizing the words he hoped to hear didn't feel nearly as important as he thought they would. "I appreciate that."
Andy wasn't sure what reaction she was expecting, but what she got wasn't it. If she was entitled to her anger, the slightly rational side of her could also admit that he was entitled to his. She'd left him and not spoken to him for months, then filed for divorce and also confessed to cheating on him not that long ago.
With a slight shake of the head she continued. "When I realized that Jack might be right and Diane called me out on what happened during our role play, I talked to her about it. She told me that usually when you feel overwhelming, unexplainable anger and a need to run...it's because something unprocessed from your past has been triggered. She said that when you're hysterical, it's historical."
Robert was listening intently to her words and the picture was getting a bit more clear, but he didn't want to jump to any conclusions. "So you're saying what happened with us is somehow connected to your childhood?"
Andy chuckled uncomfortably. "I don't know exactly. I'm still trying to figure it out...but I do know that I've been angry with you for what happened, but also for a lot of things that weren't your fault."
Robert's voice was low as he spoke. While he had been apprehensive at first, he was getting more insight into what had been going on with Andy this past year and now he didn't want to shake the delicate dialogue they were in. Despite the late hour and after more than a year of not talking they finally were. "What do you mean?" He asked.
Andy shrugged her shoulders slightly. She bit the side of her lip to hold back the emotion she felt welling up. "I've just been angry. With God. With the world. With Ryan for dying, with my mom for leaving and... my dad."
"Your dad?" Robert asked. He knew she'd been angry after learning about Elena but she'd given his eulogy and said she made peace with the choices he made.
"I don't think I ever really dealt with how I felt about how he handled my mom leaving… or how frustrated I often was, as an adult, because he would do things under the guise of "protecting" me that felt like betrayal and control. I could never really be angry. First because he was sick, then because he was dying and then because he was gone." A single tear slipped down her cheek.
"Oh Andy," Robert whispered as he looked at her. His heart ached for the woman he loved. She wasn't the angry woman he'd seen so many times over the last year, the woman in front of him now didn't have a mask up. She looked fragile and he couldn't help but beat himself up mentally.
It was just outside this bunk that Andy had told him she was brittle and that she felt like a strong wind could break her. How could he have been so oblivious to her pain. It took everything in him not to shift in the bed and pull her into a hug, but despite her admissions he still wasn't really sure what this all meant for them.
Andy wiped her eye with the sleeve of her hoodie, swallowed back the tears and continued. "Then when I found out about my mom, what happened with all that... I couldn't let myself feel it. The only way I knew to make peace with it was seeing what he did as him doing what he thought was best you know. Doing what he had to do to protect me. Even now, I just feel like I have to protect what we had. Protect that image I have of him. Sounds crazy right?"
Robert had spent months trying to understand how Andy could act the way that she did. Get so angry that she just walked out on him and their marriage after one fight, one instance of bad judgment and he'd never been able to make sense of it but it was coming into focus now. Earlier that evening in the PRT she'd said, he wasn't her dad and now he could see how his actions felt like some sort of betrayal to her.
"No. It doesn't sound crazy." Robert said softly but firmly. He reached out and grabbed the hand sitting next to her. Rubbing a thumb over her knuckles and holding Andy's watery gaze. "It does sound complicated."
Hands separating, they sat in silence for a bit before Andy continued. She couldn't help the feelings deep in her gut bubbling to the surface. As they talked, as she peeled back more and more layers, it seemed less and less clear why they were walking away and not trying to figure out how to make it work. "Anyway, it's taken me months to come to terms with all that and..." Her voice trailed off.
Robert nodded his head and his voice was warm. "Understandable." He thought for a moment. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," Andy replied simply.
"Are you talking to someone?" Robert inquired unsure what kind of response he'd get.
"You mean like a therapist?" Andy clarified.
"Or something…" Robert looked away for a moment before continuing. "When I was trying to do sobriety alone. Just going to meetings in a group and working the steps by myself, it was hard. There was stuff I came up against that I wasn't sure how to handle. There were steps I wasn't sure how to actually work. Then I got Richard as my sponsor. He listened. Let me ask questions. Helped me make sense of things, you know."
"Diane said I should talk to someone…but you know how I am…" Andy admitted.
Robert smiled slightly. They were so similar in many ways. It both worked for them and against them at times. "We're the same when it comes to talking about hard feelings, neither of us likes it, but in my experience getting some support hasn't been bad. Uncomfortable at times, but it helps." Robert searched Andy's gaze to see if she was with him and while he was certain she was listening he couldn't tell what was on her mind exactly.
"Richard isn't a therapist but he shoots it to me straight. He's honest with me when I need it. Asks me hard questions and tells me things I need to hear… like I had to make peace with the fact that we might never reconcile and I had to get sober for myself and…" His voice faltered a bit before continuing. "And that someone being the only good thing in your life is unfair. It's too much pressure on them." Robert saw Andy's face dart up as he added that last line.
"I never said that." Andy replied quickly.
"You didn't have to." Robert countered gently.
"I wanted to be there for you." Andy's tone was genuine and firm. "To be something good in your life."
"And you were. You and us just couldn't be everything." Robert admitted. He didn't want to get off track. "Look, it's just a suggestion. Talking to someone might help."
Andy eventually nodded and spoke without looking Robert in the eyes. "Why are you being so understanding?" Her voice was small. While she hadn't come out and said it, she knew she didn't really deserve Robert's kindness.
Robert smiled and shrugged his shoulders like it should be obvious. "Why do you think Andy?" He didn't have to say he still loved her, for her to know. This is what you did for the person you loved.
"I took the papers out of the freezer tonight and tried to sign them…" Andy's voice was quiet as she spoke. "But I just kept thinking back to our wedding day and how when I looked at you I saw how much you loved me and I just hoped that when you looked at me, you saw the same."
Robert's lips curled up in a wistful smile as he remembered back to that day. "I did."
Andy took a breath and swallowed before continuing. "Earlier tonight I think we both got it wrong." She had listened to Robert's commentary earlier and the easy play would be to say it was all bad. That they never really worked but that would be a lie. That would be discounting all the good, all the joy, all the moments that were nothing short of amazing.
Robert's interest was piqued. "We got what wrong?" He asked.
"We had a lot of hell, Robert. Most of it, things outside of our control, but we also had a lot of happiness." Andy looked over at her husband to try and read his expression.
Robert hadn't fully believed his words earlier but he also didn't have a lot of answers. "So maybe it was just bad timing?" The question was largely rhetorical.
It was Andy's turn to look confused. When he'd said it earlier she didn't believe it and that hadn't changed now. More importantly, she didn't think he believed it. "Do you really think that?"
Robert let out a frustrated sigh. "Truthfully? No. But I also don't know exactly where we went wrong or how we ended up here."
"Well… pretty sure my disappearing act didn't help anything," Andy tried to both take some responsibility and lighten the somewhat somber mood.
Silence hovered between them and Robert thought about whether or not to say what was on his mind. It was a risk, they'd opened up and shared in such an important way tonight and he didn't want to ruin the moment. Deciding that not saying the things that needed to be said had been a part of the problem, he took a breath and gathered his courage.
"I was angry with Ripley for years after Claire. So angry that I went 15 years without speaking to him and he was my best friend. I never once gave him a chance to explain or really apologize…" Robert looked away slightly before continuing. "So yeah, this past year hurt. Worse than I could probably put into words, but I also kinda get it. I was angry with him but also just angry about death and another person I loved being taken away from me. That kind of anger clouds your judgment and makes you act in ways you don't expect."
Andy's eyes watered again listening to Robert's words. He could have dug into her, told her how awful of a person he thought she was, made her feel bad for how she'd treated him but he didn't. He somehow pulled her out of her shame spiral and made her feel less alone.
"I don't want to sign the papers, Robert." Andy waited for a response from her husband and when he said nothing, she continued. "I've been telling myself I didn't want to sign because I don't want to cut and run like my mom, but I realized tonight with those papers on the desk in front of me that... walking away from you forever, us really being done, feels impossible."
Wordlessly they held each other's gaze before Robert spoke slowly. "Changing your mind is okay, Andy. Deciding that maybe this marriage isn't right for you anymore and letting go is okay. I've accepted that."
She heard him giving her an out, but the longer they talked, the more she opened up, the more he listened… the crazier it seemed that they would actually leave one another. "But if we both love each other and we're willing to figure out how to make it work, why would we let go?"
Robert looked down and rubbed the back of his head. He felt conflicted in a way he wasn't expecting. It seemed just as he had made peace with their relationship being over, Andy was finally arriving at the place he'd hoped she would months ago. Now it was his turn to feel leery. To feel nervous about the prospect of turning back towards their relationship instead of moving on separately.
He could hear the hopefulness in her voice, but also knew one conversation wasn't gonna fix things. She clearly still had a lot to work through with her parents and their future was still largely uncertain. Finally he found the words he knew needed to be said. "I may not know exactly where things went wrong, but I do know that not telling each other the truth is a part of what got us here… so I want to be honest with you, but I don't want to hurt you."
Hearing the apprehension in Robert's voice, Andy nodded her head and steeled herself for what was coming. She wasn't sure what she expected coming here. The conversation had played out in such a way that while she was still unsure about a lot of things, she was certain that saving her marriage was something she wanted. "Okay."
"I spent months hoping you'd say what you just said...wishing that we'd talk and figure out how to stay together." Robert's shoulders rose slightly. "But I've made peace with where we are. And now I just don't know if it's smart to open back up."
Andy read through the lines. She heard what he wasn't saying. "So what you're saying is... I hurt you and you don't know if you should trust me again."
Robert heard the disappointment in her voice. "I'm sorry..."
"You know, Diane didn't just tell me that I should talk to someone...she said we should talk to someone." Robert held Andy's gaze as she shrugged her shoulders. "I'm a mess. Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going. The only thing that makes sense right now is work… So, I sure as hell don't know how to fix this or even if it's possible, but what if we could?"
"Andy…" Robert breathed. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but in a moment like this, it was hard not too. His heart clenched in his chest as he sat in a moment he'd spent so much time hoping for. With what courage she had, Andy was finally facing things and not running. She was finally showing up for them.
"I mean... at least now you know I'm crazy." She joked. They both knew it was partly true. Robert laughed at her sentiments and Andy quickly joined him in.
They sat in silence for a while longer before Andy yawned loudly. "It's late," Robert said as he looked at his phone on the bedside table next to his small bunk.
"I should go," Andy said as she began to shift in her spot a bit to get up.
Before Robert could stop it he heard himself say, "Stay."
Andy looked up at him with nervous, but hopeful eyes. "We haven't figured anything out yet…and this bed is tiny."
"It's late, you're exhausted and we've done a lot more than sleep in this tiny bed." Robert grinned and his eyes danced with memories. They had done their best to "keep it professional" on shift, but more than a few times they'd found themselves sneaking into each other's bunks in the middle of the night for activities other than sleep.
Andy chuckled lightly knowing exactly what Robert was referring to. She slipped off her zip up hoodie so she wouldn't be too hot and crawled under the covers with him. His back pushed up to the edge of the bed she snuggled into the warmth of his embrace. Robert wrapped a strong arm around her while Andy interlaced their fingers.
Holding Andy close, Robert breathed in the scent of her. "You changed shampoo."
"What?" Andy questioned softly.
"Your hair, it smells different," He clarified. As he laid there, he couldn't help but think simple moments like this, quiet whispers just before they both fell asleep had been one of the things he'd missed most.
"Oh yeah…the red tones need special shampoo." Andy said with a small smile. She didn't know why it warmed her that he noticed something so simple, but it did.
"I like the color." Robert added.
"I like the tattoo." Andy admitted a bit sheepishly. "It's very…badass. Maybe one day you'll tell me why."
"What makes you think it means something?" He teased.
Andy nudged Robert lightly and chuckled. "I might not know you as well as I used to, but I definitely know that. It means something."
"Yeah..." He finally replied. It was a bittersweet statement. His tattoo did have a special meaning and maybe one day he'd get the chance to open up and share it with her.
They were both quiet for a moment, nearly drifting off to sleep.
"Robert..." Andy said, just above a whisper.
"Yeah..." Robert answered back equally as quiet.
"I've missed you." Andy felt the truth of her words from that simple admission deep in her bones. When the ice around her heart thawed, it was all so much simpler. All that was left was love. She loved this man.
Robert swallowed down the emotion he felt welling up in the back of his throat. He felt the sincerity of her words and it soothed the gnawing ache he'd buried deep within. Breathing deeply he whispered back, "I've missed you too."
They fell into a light slumber and just before dawn were woken by dispatch. "Engine 19, Ladder 19, Aid Car 19."
"Stay," Robert said as he made his way out of bed and headed towards the door. "Slip out after we're gone."
"Be safe," Andy replied, smiling to herself at how natural it felt. As Robert reached the door she called his name and he turned. "I'm headed onto a 24, but can we talk again...after?" She asked with apprehension and hope in her voice.
Robert nodded his head and gave her a small smile as he reached the door. "I'd like that." Before he could open it, he turned around, closed the distance and swept a feather light kiss across Andy's lips. Not bothering to give her a chance to respond before he was gone.
Andy laid back down and breathed in the scent of Robert on his pillow. The past 24 hours had gone nothing like she expected, but she felt relieved and hopeful… a combination she couldn't remember feeling in some time. She wasn't naive. They had a long road ahead of them, a lot to figure out and work through but maybe, just maybe this holiday season would have a happy ending for her after all.