Happy Tuesday friends! Two more days until our faves are back on our screens (I say this loosely, as you all know Andy is currently NOT on my list of people to celebrate). Fingers crossed 5B actually brings the long awaited reunion we all deserve. Enjoy a sweet, steamy, angsty fic as you prepare for the premier. XO, Reddixon
It was raining. It had been raining in Seattle for days. It wasn't unusual for the Pacific Northwest but La Niña conditions were making things wetter and cooler this year. Looking out at the gray sky, Andy couldn't help but think it was fitting. It felt like a gray cloud had hovered over her life for months and memories of the last time she felt genuinely happy were starting to get fuzzier and fuzzier. She'd gotten her dream job, finally become Captain, it had only cost her marriage. After a whirlwind romance, quick wedding and tumultuous few month, Robert and Andy were calling it quits. As she taped the box in front of her, she couldn't help but think about what had gotten her to this moment.
Standing at the top of the apartment stairs, Andy and her boxes just barely in view, Robert took a deep breath. He shook his head lightly as he also thought about everything that had landed him here. When he'd moved back to Seattle a few years ago, he wasn't sure what to expect, he just knew he was tired of running from his past. He'd had to get away from Seattle after Claire died, but the pain and the memories had followed him. He buried himself in his work in Montana, kept people at a distance, only dated casually, but didn't let anyone get close. Returning to Seattle had changed that, meeting Andy, joining 19, he'd opened up and started connecting with people again. Now that he was leaving it all behind, he just wished his heart didn't ache so much. Delaying the inevitable, he thought back over the events from the past couple months.
FLASHBACK...
Andy stretched and smiled lightly as the delicious aroma of coffee filled her nose. While the bed next to her was empty, on her bedside table was a steaming cup of coffee her husband had left her. She could hear the water from the faucet running and see his outline just barely from her place in bed. He'd already showered and was likely shaving while she was just getting her wits about her.
Hair piled on her head in a messy topknot, donning Robert's crew shirt, Andy slipped out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. "Good Morning," she murmured, kissing his bare shoulder and moving to sit on the counter next to him as he shaved. She loved these moments.
"Good morning sleepyhead," Robert said with happy eyes and a grin. Whereas he was a morning person, had been since he was a kid, she was not and it always amused him.
"I'll never understand how you can be so chipper in the morning," Andy grumbled behind her coffee mug as she adjusted herself.
Robert laughed a little. "What can I say, I'm happy everyday I get to wake up to you." It was cheesy and he was kind of teasing, it was also true. He leaned over and kissed his wife before she could stop him.
"Robert...seriously," Andy said, feigning annoyance as she wiped the remnants of his shave cream from her face.
"This whole wedding thing has me thinking...maybe we should plan a honeymoon?" Robert said casually as he continued pulling his razor across his cheek.
"The world isn't exactly opened up," Andy replied begrudgingly. She'd been thinking the same thing. "But I love the idea of us stealing away, just the two of us you know."
"Yeah, that was kind of my thought. Maybe the coast or Leavenworth? Do an airbnb and drive." Robert offered.
"That would be good, maybe find one with a hot tub so I can finally have an excuse to wear the bikinis that haven't seen the light of day this summer." Andy said with naughty grin as she held her husband's gaze.
"You don't have to tell me twice," Robert replied with a easy smile.
Finishing her coffee, Andy sat the near empty mug down and hopped to the floor. Pulling her hair out of the topknot, she turned the shower on and it began to steam just as Robert was patting down his freshly shaved face. Andy looked at her husband with unadulterated lust. His broad shoulders, well-defined abs and strong arms. He really was just so damn fine. Pulling Robert's crew shirt up over her head and dropping it to the floor she said with a mischievous grin, "You know...there is one thing that would make this morning better..."
Robert bit his bottom lip, his eyes heating over, as he looked at his gorgeous wife standing in front of him in all her naked glory. "And what's that?" He said in a low gravelly tone.
Taking a few steps forward, Andy closed the distance between them. "I'll give you one guess," she said and tugged lightly on the towel at his waist.
"We're gonna be late," Robert tried to argue between kisses. He didn't know why he was pretending to resist. They both knew he'd give in.
"We'll be quick," Andy chuckled against his lips. "Okay, not too quick."
"I've already showered," Robert whispered coolly, still attempting to play hard to get.
"Are you really gonna make me beg?" Andy questioned as she fluttered her lashes flirtatiously. "You know you want me..."
Robert shook his head and dropped another kiss on his wife's lips before following her into the large glass box. Grabbing her shampoo, he rubbed it in and massaged her scalp.
A deep sigh of pleasure coasted through Andy as she leaned back into Robert's muscular frame. The warm steamy shower, with Robert's hands in her hair, felt like a little slice of heaven. "Maybe we should call in sick," she joked lightly. "Nothing about this is encouraging me to go to work."
Robert chuckled against her ear and placed a soft kiss in the crook of Andy's neck. "Don't tempt me..." His deep, baritone vibrated against her skin. They'd joked that the only good thing about his demotion was lack of responsibility. Yes, he was working hard to rebuild his career, but he'd gotten a lot more relaxed in the past several months. No longer compulsively early or working late. Sneaking into each other's bunks after lights out.
Andy leaned forward to rinse her hair as Robert grabbed her loofah and squeezed shower gel into it. Starting with her back, he smoothed the soapy lather over her smooth skin paying special attention to her breasts. When his free hand lightly pinched her hardened peaks, she couldn't help the low moan that fell from her lips. Her core clenched in anticipation and heat flooded her body. Eyes closed, head dropping backward she breathed, "Never stop touching me..."
Robert ran the loofah across her center down her legs before rinsing the soap off of them both. Leaning in, he whispered against Andy's lips, "I think I can manage that." His lips captured hers in a deep, bruising kiss. He licked, nibbled and sucked her lips but didn't stop there. Before she knew what hit her, Andy's back hit the cool marble tile as Robert's mouth trailed kisses from her neck, to her breasts down her abdomen.
Kneeling, Robert hooked her right leg up over his shoulder, holding her firmly in place and like a heat seeking missile his lips and tongue teased her pulsing bundle of nerves. "Oh God," Andy groaned. It wasn't long before she felt her orgasm barreling towards her. Tremors turned into quakes as two slender fingers slid through her tight channel. The combination of sensations was too much and Andy's release shattered through her as she cried out her husband's name.
Standing, Robert barely gave his wife time to recover, before he cupped her butt and lifted her. Instinctively Andy's legs wrapped around him and his erection found her center. His thrusts were hard and fast knowing their short window of time was closing, the nearly lukewarm water a reminder that they'd been in the shower longer than either planned.
Another time, they'd both fight off the building tension, draw out their enjoyment of one another, but that would have to wait. "Come for me..." Robert growled in Andy's ear as he pumped forward one...two...three more times. Andy came with a shout as her second climax burst through her. Scant seconds later, her name tumbled from Robert's lips and she felt the flex and release of his body. They were late that morning, but neither of them cared. When they arrived at the station they were both happy and sated.
It was hard to believe that what started out as such a good morning had gone bad just a few hours later. They'd arrived at the Station and after line up were called to the Captain's office. Maya let them know that Chief McAllister wanted to see the both of them in his office immediately. She did her best to school her features, but they all knew it was because of the call they'd had last shift where Maya had defied the Chief's orders. Andy gave her a reassuring smile as they exited the office.
"I can't believe you," Andy said to her husband angrily from the passenger seat on the way back to the station. The meeting with the chief had not gone well. He'd made it clear that his initial thought was to close the station and get rid of some of the team and maybe transfer others. And just as they were wrapping up he excused Andy and asked Robert to stay behind.
"What should I have done Andy? Said nothing?" Robert tried to argue. McAllister had asked for his opinion on Maya and Robert shared that he thought she was a good Captain and he'd basically trained her himself. However after seeing McAllister's intent to get rid of her and hearing his displeasure with how 19 was being run, Robert did what he thought might save the station and offered himself as her replacement. Better him than a stranger, right?
"You could have backed Maya more fully, said she deserved to keep her job…" Andy said quickly, her brow furrowed deep.
"I said she was a good captain, that I'd trained her myself, but Andy... McAllister's mind was made up. You heard him." Robert replied.
"You don't know that, you just want it to be true so you feel better about throwing her under the bus," Andy countered. Shaking her head as she stared ahead out the window. "I can't believe you would put me in this position… "
"What are you talking about?" Robert said with genuine confusion.
"How am I going to explain to my whole team and best friend that my husband had no problem making a play for her job?" Andy asked incredulously.
"Don't you mean "our team"?" Robert said with a bit of sarcasm. It wasn't well timed, but he was frustrated himself at this point. "I can't understand how you don't see my side here."
They had just pulled back into the parking lot of the station as Andy spoke her final words. "What I see is you choosing your career over me and the rest of 19. You saying whatever you needed to say to move up the ladder and get promoted." Shaking her head again in his direction she hopped out of the car and slammed the door.
They finished the rest of the shift in silence which only got worse. Andy slept on the couch and the next morning was in a worse mood then when she'd gone to bed. The wedding reception had been a disaster with the email coming out and though Andy came home that night she continued her stonewalling and slept on the couch again.
The next day, Robert watched in disbelief as Andy stormed between the master bath, closet and dresser, haphazardly throwing clothes into the large black duffle sitting on the edge of the bed.
"So just to be clear, you can forgive Maya... you've rebuilt your relationship with her after she threw you under the bus to steal a promotion that you had earned and your dad for using my love for you to manipulate me into not giving you the promotion, but somehow what I did is unforgivable? In what world does that make sense Andy?"
Andy stopped as she dropped her toiletries into the bag and turned to face her husband. Hands on hips, she stated firmly. "This isn't about Maya or my dad, Robert. This is about you. You are always going to choose yourself and your job first. You're always going to think your career is more important than mine."
"That's not true...Andy, but also what you can't seem to handle is the fact that in nearly every scenario we have at work, I'm going to have more experience than you and be better qualified. I mean c'mon Andy, I was fighting fires when you were still in elementary school." Robert's shoulders rose and his hands motioned as if to surrender, but the words he'd spoken had surely stirred the pot more than extinguished the fire of Andy's temper.
Andy scoffed angrily and nodded her head. "So I'm young, inexperienced and under qualified. Great. Any other feedback for me?" She asked rhetorically.
"That's not what I said. You keep twisting my words..." Robert growled in frustration a bit as he took in Andy's unyielding stare. Letting his frustration get the better of him he finally said the thing he really wanted to say. "You know, the truth is Andy, you've spent months before now complaining about me and my ambition. But we both know it only became a problem for you when we were in line for the same opportunities. So you can act like you suddenly don't know the person you married, but I'm the same."
The truth of Robert's words wasn't lost on her. "I don't have a problem with your ambition, Robert. I have a problem with you throwing me under the bus to get ahead." Andy replied quickly.
"No matter what I say, you don't believe me. I didn't throw you under the bus and quite frankly it doesn't seem like you can decide what you're ACTUALLY angry about, so I'm done. I'm tired of fighting with you, tired of explaining myself when I didn't do anything wrong. I'll be here when you're ready to have a conversation like adults." With that, Robert left Andy in the bedroom, made his way down the stairs and headed out the front door. He felt suffocated in his own apartment and had to get out. When he returned, as expected, Andy was gone. He'd thought it would just be a few days. She would calm down, they would talk things out and finally address some of the things they'd been avoiding, but she didn't come back.
Having captained 19 before, it didn't take long for the team to adjust to Robert's leadership again. Even Maya had made peace with it and had spent time trying to coax her friend towards forgiveness, but her efforts had been futile. More than two months later Andy was still staying in Michelle's guest room and only talking to Robert on shift about things directly related to calls.
When Andy had been called to Chief McAllister's office earlier that day she was surprised. It was her day off and with Robert in place the opening for Captain of 19 wouldn't be available anytime soon. She had no interest in going anywhere else and the team's call times were good. After explaining that he'd met with Robert and had learned of his relocation back to Montana, McAllister said with Sullivan's recommendation she was the obvious choice to replace him.
Andy had done her best to school her features as she listened to the Chief drop a bomb on her. He spoke so matter of factly that it was clear he believed she'd already known about Robert's plans... but she hadn't. And quiet panic raged through her as she continued to listen. Robert was leaving Seattle? The gnawing feeling deep in her gut was deafening. She'd pushed him away too far. She'd spent weeks consumed with her anger and unable to move forward, but clearly he was done waiting. McAllister ended his monologue with notice that Sullivan's exit would be effective within the week and she'd be expected to be ready to lead.
Opening the door to the apartment she hadn't been back to in months, Andy was shocked at the sight before her. The living room was covered in boxes and Robert was pulling books off a shelf. "What did you do?" She asked from the entryway, completely skipping over pleasantries.
Robert gave a casual glance towards his wife and continued putting books into a box in front of him. "You should be happy. You wanted the job Andy, it's yours."
"Robert..." Andy tried to find something to say, but her words were failing her. She hadn't intended to stay gone so long, she'd figured when she left it would just be for a couple days. She'd cool down and they'd talk things over, but weeks went by and her anger didn't go anywhere. Eventually, Robert stopped trying to get her to open up or speak to him about anything that didn't have to do with a call or station business. She was only just starting to realize why.
"You know the worst fights we've ever had have been about work. Titles, promotions...moving up the ladder. I'm tired, Andy. You've been angry with me for months, unwilling to talk to me and it's clear you won't ever forgive me so, I'm tapping out."
"What does that mean? You're leaving me?" Andy asked, realizing the hypocrisy of her words only after they'd left her mouth.
Robert shook his head in disbelief. "Andy, you left me." He held her gaze. "Months I've waited for you, tried to fight for you and us...but you weren't interested. You haven't been interested. I'm just doing the thing you've been too afraid to do."
"So divorce?" Andy asked with pain in her voice.
"Moving on," Robert said sadly. "My old Battalion Chief in Billings is Chief now. He has a place for me."
"So that's it then, we're over... " Andy asked.
"You and I both know we haven't been us for a long time at this point. I'm just calling it," Robert replied.
"And what if I don't want the job? What if I want you?" Andy asked softly.
"You had me. I wasn't enough," Robert said, somberly.
"That's not fair, Robert. You know it was more complicated than that. I do love you." Andy said determinedly.
"I think we both know that love is... the bare minimum. I don't doubt you love me, despite how you've treated me the past few months and I know I love you, but it's not enough. We need other stuff to make a marriage work and for some reason we can't..." Robert's voice trailed off, but Andy didn't need him to finish the sentence. She knew it took more than love to make a marriage work.
"Maybe we just need more time," Andy racked her brain trying to think of things she could say that would change Robert's mind. "I'm stubborn. You know that. I didn't mean to stay gone so long... I just...I'm sorry." Her final words were thrown out as if making a last ditch effort. They didn't feel fully genuine when she said them and no doubt Robert felt their emptiness.
Robert looked at his wife with sadness in his eyes, "It's too late, Andy. There's no saving us." So that was that. He'd given her a signed petition for dissolution of marriage and let her know the house was going on the market the following week.
BACK TO PRESENT...
As Robert walked down the stairs he saw Andy adding another box to the growing pile in the living room. She was moving into her own place, something she'd never done before and he knew even without her saying it, she was nervous.
"So that's it?" Andy asked motioning to just the one bag he was carrying. It was a dumb question. She knew he'd shipped everything else that was going right away. The furniture was staying until the apartment sold to help with staging and he'd already taken a couple suitcases to his SUV. The duffle was the only thing he had left.
Robert nodded his head and dropped the bag on the floor. He wasn't sure what to say… how do you say goodbye to the woman you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with? He shoved a hand in his pocket and closed the distance. "Not really sure how to do this?" He finally admitted.
"Do what?" Andy asked tentatively.
Robert took a quick glance out the window as he tried to find his words. "Say goodby to the woman you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with." His words were honest. There was no point in games at this point. The papers had been signed by him and once Andy did, it would only be a matter of time before it was all final.
"It was good while it lasted." Andy said with a small smile.
"Yeah..." He finally murmured. "I was sleepwalking before you and now I'm awake. I don't know what's worse."
"I didn't believe love like this existed before you and I'm not sure it will after." No matter what had happened that landed them here, she couldn't deny the feelings they shared. The ways they had seen one another through some of their darkest times. Robert's leg, addiction and her compounded grief.
"I love you, Andrea Herrera..." Robert's voice cracked slightly.
"I love you, Robert Sullivan..." Andy whispered back.
Closing the distance, Robert pulled Andy into a tight hug. Both sighing deeply, they sank into their embrace and held on. Robert couldn't help the single tear that fell from his eye and feeling more emotion than he expected, his pride said it was time to go.
Robert pressed a kiss to Andy's forehead, found her eyes and cupped her cheek. "You were born to lead. You deserve to be Captain. Give 'em hell."
Unable to stop the silent tears Andy nodded and whispered, "Be happy okay. I mean not too happy or too quickly...but you deserve that."
Robert offered his own watery smile, "You too."
With one last look, he cleared his throat, picked up his duffle and walked out the door. As Andy stood in the window watching Robert throw his bag into his SUV and drive away stray tears fell. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, but eventually she swallowed down the rest of her emotions. She couldn't let herself fall apart now. Later, but not now.
Robert was about 45 minutes into his twelve hour drive when his phone rang.
"What's up, Warren," Robert said.
"Just checking in... you on the road?" Ben inquired, fairly certain of Robert's response.
"Yeah, about forty five minutes in," Robert replied.
"You sure about this?" Ben asked gingerly.
"Nope," Robert said bluntly. "But what's done is done."
"Need anything?" Concerned for his friend, Ben followed up.
"Nah... nothing you can give me. I appreciate it though." Robert answered genuinely.
"I'll have her back," Ben said, nodding his head even though he knew Robert couldn't see him. "We all will."
"Thank you. You're a good friend, Warren." Robert said.
"After what we've been through the past year, I'd think family is more accurate." Ben said casually. Their relationship had been strained after Robert's addiction cost him the PRT, but Robert had been the first person he saw waking up after surgery. Both married to ambitious women, they commiserated together and they'd leaned on one another after George Floyd. Their bond was strong. "And contrary to how it might feel right now... you still have lots of reasons to come back to Seattle. Bailey, the boys and I expect you to visit."
"I definitely will," Robert gave a weak smile though Ben couldn't see it.
The two men hung up and Robert continued his drive east, but with each passing mile he couldn't help the periodic glance he made in his rearview mirror. There was something in him that just couldn't help but feel like he was leaving his life behind. When he'd filed for divorce, he thought he was doing the honorable thing. The limbo had been killing him and despite how painful it was to face leaving the woman he loved, making the decision had brought some degree of peace. There had just been too many obstacles to fight against, too many outside circumstances pressuring them and pulling at them. He'd started over before and he could do it again. Andy wanted to be Captain and she did deserve it, she could have the career she wanted without him or their marriage standing in her way.
2 Months later...
"Are you sure about this?" Michelle asked her cousin as she watched Andy throw her small suitcase and duffle into the trunk of her crossover.
"Yes," Andy turned around and held Michelle's gaze. Determination flickered in her eyes, "I am more sure about this than I've been about anything in a long time." Gripping her keys tightly, she added. "I can't be the woman who fights fires for a living, but doesn't fight to save her marriage. I love him."
"Well, no matter what happens, I'm proud of you," Michelle cupped Andy's cheeks gently. She was slightly older and in moments like this it showed. "You've done a lot of hard work in therapy the past couple months and just you going says a lot."
"Thank you," Andy said as she leaned in for a hug. "I'm just hoping... he'll hear me out." Pausing for a moment to breathe. "I won't lie though... I can't say I'm not nervous as hell. I pushed him away, assumed the worst and did just about everything you can do to sabotage a relationship. I would understand if he couldn't forgive me."
Michelle took a breath before speaking. "You're human Andy. You made some mistakes. Your trauma affected you in ways you couldn't predict. The important thing is that you know now. And from everything you've told me about Robert...he knows what it is to make mistakes and make amends. I think your chances are pretty good."
"Wish me luck!" Andy offered with nervous excitement in her voice. She wasn't sure what to expect, but she knew she had to try. The two cousins parted ways, Michelle waved goodbye and Andy was off. With the yellow manilla envelope holding the signed divorce papers sitting in the seat next to her, she found her way to I-90 east.
Andy had thought about taking a flight to Montana, but figured she needed the drive to help calm her nerves and give her time to run through for the thousandth time, what she would say to her husband. When Robert had unexpectedly given her the signed divorce papers, she told him she needed to hire an attorney to look over them. The following week he'd packed up and headed to Montana to Captain a house there. It was the second largest in Billings and put him back on the fast track to Battalion Chief. She was still adjusting to taking the reins of 19 herself and had used that as an excuse not to have made progress on getting the papers filed, but the truth was it was a stall tactic.
After a conversation with Michelle Andy had begun therapy and over the past two months came to realize just how much her mother's abandonment had affected her. She struggled to trust Robert completely, was quick to assume the worst, shut him out and ran all to make her biggest fears true. Knowing that there was a reason for her irrational anger and crazy behavior helped, but didn't make her feel much better about how she'd hurt him. It would take time, but she truly believed if he would give them a chance they could work things out and she was willing to do whatever it took.
13ish hours later…
Parked in front of Station 2, with a light mist hitting her windshield Andy peered into the rearview mirror and reminded herself to breathe. She'd intentionally left Seattle late and driven through the night in hopes that she'd arrive in Montana around the end of shift. After some begging and pleading with Ben, he'd confirmed Robert was on working and given her Robert's home address as a back up.
"I can do this," Andy whispered to herself.
She'd spent the entire drive rehearsing what to say and trying to anticipate what Robert's response might be, but now that the moment was here a sinking feeling rested in her gut. What if it really was too late? What if no matter what she said, Robert was convinced they didn't have anything left worth fighting for? What if he had already started to move on?
She couldn't help but think back to the last day she'd seen her husband. He looked sad and broken in a way she hadn't seen before and it was mostly her fault. Shaking her head and glancing at the clock, it was time. He'd be coming out any minute now. After running a hand through her mass of curls she said a silent prayer and got out of the car.
"See ya later, Cap." Robert heard as he made his way out of the main firehouse doors.
"Have a good shift, Jefferson." Robert said with a nod. With his black duffle slung over his shoulder he headed outside, but stopped in his tracks at the sight in front of him. There standing several yards away, with hands wringing nervously in front of her, stood the woman who was never far from his thoughts. He thought moving back to Montana would make it easier to let go and move forward, but he'd been wrong. Despite throwing himself into work and doing his best to stay busy, the ache he felt from walking away from his wife was persistent. When he got his wits about him, Robert continued moving forward and Andy met him at the edge of the station drive.
"Hi," she said with a smile. Her insides felt like putty as she held his gaze.
"What are you doing here?" Robert questioned. His surprise was evident and he was unable to manage with small talk.
Andy took a deep breath before speaking. "I spent the whole drive here rehearsing a speech. Trying to figure out the perfect way to say, I love you, I was an idiot, I want to fight for you and us and.. explain what I've learned in therapy about my trauma and why the hell I turned into a different person. I..." Her voice caught and she looked away.
Seeing her emotion and not wanting either of them to reopen old wounds, Robert interjected. "Andy, it's okay..."
Robert tried to continue but Andy held up a hand loosely. "Please. Just let me get this out." Robert nodded and she continued. "I wanted to say all these things because that's how I feel, but looking at you...this has to be about you."
Andy noticed the confusion that creased Robert's brow. "Yes, all those things are true, but right now in this moment, what matters most is this. I hurt you deeply. You spent years not letting anyone get close. You protected your heart, but you opened up to me, trusted me. I broke that trust. I confirmed your worst fears and I am so sorry for that. If I could go back in time and change the past few months, I would do it in a heartbeat. You deserved better." Andy went silent as she watched emotion play out over Robert's face. She saw his demeanor shift from guarded to more open and knew he felt the difference in her apology. Before it had been flippant, shallow, self-serving. It centered her. This was different. These words and the emotion behind them was about the impact the past few months had on him.
She'd said a lot of things just now that he'd remember and hold dear, but more importantly was how the words made him feel. Seen. Heard. Understood. He'd spent countless hours over the past few months wondering if Andy realized the impact of her words or behavior. Wondering if she actually cared about the hurt she'd caused. He was a strong man, very alpha and he didn't shy away from that part of his identity, but he'd softened for her. He'd de-iced parts of himself and invited her into places no one had been before. And her assessment was spot on. She'd confirmed his worst fears. Made him rethink everything. Made him reconsider why anyone would open themselves up if they were just going to be hurt. He knew he had a choice in this moment. Be honest and lean into the discomfort of the vulnerability or pull back and retreat.
"What changed?" Robert finally asked. His tone was softer and truly curious. He knew something had occurred to change her mind, open her eyes and give her some shift in perspective.
"Therapy." Andy said with a shoulder shrug. "Do you remember when I told you I felt brittle... like a strong wind could break me?"
Robert nodded and a twinge of guilt flashed over him. He'd been worried about her, all the stress she was under, the grief and unresolved issues with her parents...but battling his own demons had taken precedence. He'd told himself she was strong and could handle it. He'd promised himself he'd keep a close eye, but he'd taken his eye off the ball. "I remember."
"I think I knew then that I needed help, but I didn't want to fully admit it. The whole talking about your feelings thing has never been my strong suit." They both chuckled lightly. It wasn't easy for either of them. "You were the one person I believed would always be there. I think somewhere subconsciously, I just knew how much you loved me and thought he'll love me no matter what. When you actually left it was a wake up call. It's hard to explain. I felt like a ship losing its anchor. As much as I didn't want to admit it or for it to be true, it was." Andy looked up into Robert's eyes to see what might be there as she spoke. His expression was neutral and hard to read so she continued. "In therapy I learned that abandonment trauma can make you self-sabotage and do all the things I did. When I felt hurt it registered as a threat. So I lashed out, held on to anger, pushed away the person I loved most. The thing I was trying to avoid, the thing I was most afraid of, I actually ended up creating."
Robert's head tilted to the side slightly as he listened to Andy unpack what had been going on. While the explanation didn't take away the hurt or the pain he'd felt, having an understanding of why she did what she did soothed the ache he'd felt. It answered questions about his goodness that he'd been wrestling with and made him see how he'd also made mistakes that landed them here too. "I hurt you. Unintentionally, but I still did and it felt big. Probably because of other stuff going on for you that we weren't talking about and rather than try and see things from your perspective, I got defensive."
It was time for Andy's brow to furrow. She hadn't come here for an apology, but as Robert shared his realizations with her she felt seen, her feelings validated, her experience understood. "I didn't come here with an expectation of an apology, Robert. I didn't feel like you owed me one."
"You were honest with me, it's only fair that I be honest with you. What happened wasn't totally one-sided. I can see that more clearly now," Robert admitted.
Silence hung in the air, but it was obvious to them both that things had shifted. Why had it taken them so long to get here? This place where the anger was cooled, the aches and pains they'd both caused were dull and the bigger more important feeling was love.
Andy took a breath and knew this was her moment. They'd broken through and cleared the air, but the question still remained. What would come of their marriage. "I have a confession," she finally said.
Catching the mystery in his wife's eye, yes... she was technically still his wife. "What's that?" Robert asked.
"I told you that I've been too busy with work to sign the papers and get them filed, but that's not true. I didn't sign them because I don't want to. There here..." She motioned to the car. "I brought them and I'll sign them if you're sure because I love you and I want you to be happy, but I think this marriage, as broken as it might be right now, can be mended. I think we can fight it out and do the work and rebuild and make it better. I'm not sure how we're gonna figure out the whole Seattle, Montana thing. I could move... " The longer Andy spoke the more she started to ramble. Fragments of her rehearsed speech coming together as she motioned her hands and grew more animated.
Amused and falling deeper in love by the moment, Robert finally interrupted. "Andy." When she stopped her monologue and found Robert's eyes, she held her breath waiting for his response. "Yes." It was simple, uncomplicated and perfect for the moment.
Tears pooled in Andy's eyes and her insides swelled with hope. "Yes?"
Robert nodded, but before he could repeat himself, she leapt into his arms with a squeal. Her hold around his neck tightened as he returned the embrace and he could tell she was crying. Reaching down, Robert lifted her up and Andy's legs wrapped tightly around hips. Slick, warm tears dropped onto his neck. He felt Andy's small frame contract and ran a soothing hand down her back to calm her. "Hey..." he whispered softly. "This is supposed to be the happy part."
Andy sniffled back her tears and loosened her hold just enough to find her husband's eyes, "I am happy." She felt happiness and joy, but also relief and deep gratitude. It was an overwhelming mix of emotions.
Robert smiled as he took in Andy's rosy cheeks and hazel eyes, lined with happy tears. "I love you. I never stopped and I never will. Let's build something better." His gaze was warm but determined. "Now, if you don't have any objections, I'd like to kiss my wife."
"I thought you'd never ask," Andy murmured as Robert's lips found hers.
They had a lot to figure out, a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild and make their relationship new. The road forward was unclear, but the one thing that wasn't was they'd be walking it side by side.