Lee wasn't sure why he was hovering in the corridor outside the nuggets' bunkroom. The President had managed to get his father to agree to a day's reprieve from his responsibilities. He should be getting some much deserved rack time or at the very least be catching up on his paperwork.
Leoben Conoy's words kept ringing through his mind.
Ask her why she always iced her fingers after every game.
Lee had sworn to himself that he would forget those words. He didn't have time to be letting his insecurities about Kara Thrace come to the surface.
It was too bad the words of the Cylon weren't the only thing right through his head.
You don't know me, Lee.
He really didn't know much about her. Kara had grown up on multiple military bases around the Twelve Colonies because of her mother's career and, at some point, decided to play professional pyramid. He had no idea why she had chosen to follow that career path or what role her father might have played in the decisions she made. He didn't know simple things like if she had a dog when she was growing up or whether she had ever fallen in love.
All those questions weighed on his mind as he tried to think of what Leoben had meant. He had no idea what he was supposed to get out of asking her such a stupid, pointless question.
Truthfully, Lee had meant to push it to the side. He had gotten out of his debriefing meetings rather quickly and was planning on walking down to the hangar bay to see what had happened with his ships and his crew while he was away. Instead, his feet took him down all the wrong corridors to a place he wasn't even sure she would be. Kara wasn't the type of woman to sit still and wait. She was more the type to be in the middle of the fray.
That much he did know about her.
Figuring he couldn't pace the corridor outside the bunkroom without someone noticing his odd behavior, Lee reached up to knock lightly on the hatch. When he didn't hear a response, he pushed the large metal slab open. He was surprised to see the lights dimmed in the bunkroom. They were usually on their brightest setting at this time of day.
"Shut the hatch. You're letting all the fraking light in."
Lee followed the sound of the growl to the only bunk with a closed curtain. Pulling it back, he smiled to see Kara curled up on her bed, a copy of the Scriptures tucked in her hand. "Lee?" she whispered, trying to focus her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"I had some downtime."
"And you figured you'd pay me a visit?" Kara set her book down on the shelf above her head and kicked her feet to dangle outside the bunk. She patted the mattress next to her as an invitation. "Somehow I don't think that's the exact reason why you're here."
Lee sat down on the bunk and nodded. "You're right."
"So, let me guess. The Cylon said something that made you think of me." Even though she was joking, her words still made Lee recoil just a little bit. Kara seemed to be oblivious to the change as her eyes narrowed. "Do not tell me that it was one of those hot blonde models and she tried to get you to have a one-night stand with her."
Lee laughed loudly and leaned back against the wall of the bunk. "No, it was the Leoben model. Besides, I don't go for the tall, thin, leggy blonde types when I'm looking for a frak. I'm more the gut-wrenching beautiful, mouthy blonde kind of guy as you well know."
Kara shook her head. The memories of that night were still fresh even weeks later. "So what did the Cylon say to get your panties in a bunch?"
"He was disappointed because I wasn't who he thought they would send to interrogate him. It was odd. He was so damn philosophical, talking about scripture and the differences between our two faiths. Half the time I didn't know what to make of it. He kept talking about this stream that he was in and yet he wasn't in it."
"Sounds confusing," Kara observed.
"It was." Lee sighed. "But a lot of what he said seemed right."
"Like what?"
"All of this has happened before, and all of it will happen again."
"That's from the scriptures. The gods had a thing for cycles."
"Leoben said that, too." Lee stared out into the space in the middle of the bunkroom. He couldn't believe he had let himself come down here just to ask her some stupid question. "He kept referring to this unnamed woman, saying that it should have been her asking him all these questions. At first, I thought it was President Roslin, but it just doesn't fit. He kept talking about how she wanted the pain, that it was what she thrived on."
Kara gave a small nod of support. She had never seen Lee this freaked out before, not even when they were stranded on a distant moon with the only chance of escape being a downed Heavy Raider. She reached out to grasp his hand in hers, knowing it was completely inappropriate but not caring all the same.
"Kara, he told me to ask you why you iced your fingers after every game." Lee was about to ask her what that meant when he felt her hand slip away from his as quickly as it had come. Her whole face had gone white. "Kara?"
When she didn't respond, Lee knew that he had played right into the Cylon's hands. "Oh gods. He really was talking about you the whole time, wasn't he? You were the one who was supposed to be interrogating him."
Kara shook her head in random directions. Lee wasn't sure what that meant. "Kara, what did he mean about your fingers?"
Kara bit down hard on her lip as she swung her head from side to side. She wasn't talking.
Lee's gaze shifted down to her hands. She had curled them in towards her body, almost as if she was both hiding and protecting them. He couldn't help but notice the guilt flashing across her face. "Kara?" He waited but there was no response. "You're scaring me here," he admitted.
Her eyes drifted down to the floor, and he was surprised to see her struggling to keep from talking. There was something she didn't want him to know. For some reason, that hurt. Possibilities started flying through his head, and Lee could feel himself getting more fearful by the second.
He settled on the worst thought to start with. She looked so guilty. If he could get her to say no to this one, he might be able to handle whatever outcome Leoben was determined to create. "Kara, did you do something to yourself?"
She nodded slowly and tried even harder to hold back the tears that were threatening to come out. No one was supposed to know about her hands. This piloting thing was supposed to be a second chance, a clean start at a new life. Her past wasn't supposed to come back.
Lee reached out to gently touch her shoulder, and he flinched as she inched away. He was so confused and she was so scared. How he had lost control of this situation so quickly was beyond him. "Kara, whatever it is, it's okay. We've all done horrible things in the past. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
Kara let out a cold laugh. "I doubt that's true for you, Lee."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lee asked. He seized the small opening to move a few inches closer to her. This time when he reached out to touch her, she didn't pull away.
"You're the official Golden Boy of the Fleet, practically perfect in every way."
Her teasing didn't fool him. She was trying to distract him so he wouldn't force her to answer the question about her hands. Lee decided he could play along with that for awhile. "That's ridiculous. I'm just as screwed up as everyone else."
"But you haven't made mistakes like we have."
"I have," Lee insisted.
Kara's gaze drifted down to her clenched hands. "Whatever you're thinking about, it's not the same. I deserved what I got."
Lee desperately wanted to ask her what exactly that meant, but he was afraid she'd pull back again. "Believe me, I deserved what I got," he whispered. He waited until Kara looked up at him before giving her a sad smile. He wasn't sure it was wise to be telling one of his pilots something so personal, but somehow he knew Kara wasn't just one of his pilots. Somehow he knew she'd understand what he had to say. The pain that was in her eyes when no one was looking mirrored his own. "Gianne was my mistake."
"Gianne?" Kara gave him a funny look, and Lee knew she was wondering why he was bringing this subject up again.
"I know my father and Zak probably told you a little about her, but they don't know the whole story. I loved her, Kara. More than anything in my life, I loved her. But I was young. I wasn't ready to give up the life I had grown to love. She wanted… she wanted to have children. I just wanted a wife. I wasn't ready."
Kara's guilt and fear slowly faded away as she felt Lee struggling for the words to explain. He was opening up to her. This man who had done everything in his power to do what was right and keep her at arm's length was opening up to her. "I'm sure Gianne didn't want to push you into anything you couldn't handle. I can't imagine someone taking the risk of losing a guy like you, Lee."
Lee laughed nervously. "No, she never meant to push me, but in the end, there was nothing either one of us could do about it. It was a stupid mistake. I had just graduated War College, and we were out celebrating all night. I was drunk, and I forgot to be careful. I loved her, and that was all that mattered to me at the time."
"She got pregnant." Kara's mind was already filling in the gaps.
"She told me about the baby, and I didn't react like she hoped I would. I had issues with the concept of family. I still do. Gianne got upset or angry or scared or I don't know. All I know is she ran and I was too much of a coward to go after her."
Kara couldn't help but reach out to rest her hand on top of Lee's. She was suddenly aware of how huge of a mistake it had been to fling Gianne's name in his face that day in the gym. She was surprised he hadn't killed her.
"She disappeared for a few days, and during that time, she lost the baby. She was distracted, and she fell. The baby wasn't lost until after she had been in the hospital for two days. I think it was the knowledge that I didn't want it that made her let go." Lee shook his head with regret. "It was never the same after that. She still wanted a family with me, and I was too ashamed to let her know that was something I could never do. In the end, the stress was too much and I let her go." Lee sighed and turned his hand over to lace his fingers in with Kara's. "So, you see, we all make mistakes."
Kara smiled. "I get what you're trying to say, but it's not the same."
"Then explain it to me, Kara. I want to understand why my no-nonsense, scared-of-nothing pilot just looked like she was staring death in the face."
Kara looked at Lee and was surprised to realize that she wanted to tell him. For some odd, fraked up reason, she wanted to tell him the things she had worked so hard to hide. "My fingers always cramped up after the game. I would have to ice them to keep down the swelling. That was why I never went out to talk to the press after a win. People always thought it was because I was the cocky girl who didn't give a rat's ass that the fans would kill to meet me. I would just hop in my jeep and drive away. No autographs, no interviews."
"But it was really your hands keeping you away?"
"It wasn't pretty," Kara said. "So there you go. There's the answer. That's why I iced my hands."
Lee nodded. He was grateful that she had even told him that much, but somehow he knew there was more. "What made your hands swell?"
Kara shook her head, biting down on her lips as hard as she could to keep the words in. Lee watched her brush a tear away. She was shutting down again. "Kara, I'm your friend. If the Cylons know something that can upset you this much, don't you think we should figure out why?"
"It's nothing, Lee. It has nothing to do with the Cylons and nothing to do with you."
Lee wanted to drop her hand and just walk out of the room. Something told him that it would be simpler if he did leave before things got too heavy. Yet he felt compelled to stay.
Kara was determined to not tell him whatever Leoben wanted him to know. He knew he could make better progress by telling his father what Leoben had said and forcing Kara to tell the whole Fleet why the Cylons had such interest in her. It would be easier that way, but Lee knew without a doubt he could never do it. He could never hurt her like that. That determination was what kept him next to her.
Lee let go of her hand but only to move to place his arms around her. "I don't care what that Cylon meant by having me ask you that stupid, pointless question. I didn't ask it because it would give us another clue as to why all of this happened to us. I could care less that I should know all the weaknesses of my pilots because I'm the fraking CAG and it's my responsibility. I don't care about any of that. What I care about is whatever it is you can't tell me is hurting you. I want to know about your hands because you shouldn't have to keep whatever happened a secret. You shouldn't be hurting like this. You should be able to tell someone." Lee reached out to smooth her hair back from her eyes. "Let that person be me, Kara."
She stared at him in astonishment, the tears pooling in her eyes. "It was my mother."
"Your mother," Lee repeated, urging her on.
"She never liked me. I was a reminder of my father. She… she hated the fact that he stopped loving her the second I came into the world. She never wanted children. She never should have had children." Kara brushed the tears away with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly. "She liked to point out why I was such a screw-up. She wanted me to know that I had no right to be on this earth. I never should have done it. I was so mad."
"What are you talking about?" Lee asked, gently squeezing her into his body even more. He felt the sudden desire to be her pillar of strength. She was breaking down right before his eyes.
A few sobs escaped Kara's lips as she tried to pull herself together to answer his question. "I missed my father. I just wanted to hear his music playing again. She kept the piano. She said it was a reminder that I wasn't good enough to make him stay. She wasn't supposed to come home. Oh gods."
Lee held on tight as Kara lost it again. He whispered softly into her hair as her hands clawed at his tanks. It was like she was desperately trying to bury herself within him. The world had become too much for her, and the memories were eating her away.
"It didn't work the first time when she held my hands underneath the piano key cover. It took three slams for the first to break. It took twenty more for the last one." Kara looked cautiously at Lee as the words came out in a hiss. "She didn't take me to the hospital until the next day. The doctor said my fingers would never heal properly since I wasn't smart enough to get medical treatment immediately. I couldn't tell him that it wasn't my choice. She would just hurt me even more."
Lee's voice came out cold and calm. It was the only way he had of dealing with her confession. "How old were you?"
"Nine. I was nine."
Lee couldn't speak. He wasn't sure if there were words that could express how much his heart was breaking. Instead, he pulled her hands from where they were clutching his tanks and ran the calloused flesh of his thumbs over her smooth hand. When she didn't pull back, he lifted one hand up to his lips and kissed each knuckle. When that was done, he moved on to the next hand. He kissed the tips of her fingers and the joints in each one. He returned to the knuckles and then flipped her hands over, lightly breathing in her scent as he brushed his lips across her open palms. Her pulse sped up as he floated across the sensitive flesh on her wrist.
He only meant to smile up at her as a way of saying he understood. The second he met her eyes, he knew that he was going to do far more than smile.
Kara didn't fight him when he pulled her in close and ran his hands along her tear-stained cheeks. She was exhausted, her tears all cried out. Her hands came up to rest on his chest, and she let out a soft, smooth sigh as he leaned down to kiss her lips. It was all he wanted to do. Giving her physical comfort was a lot easier than sitting back to enjoy the fallout as she shot down his bare-naked heart.
The kiss turned desperate in a frantic need for them to connect. It was nothing like the first time they had done this. His hunger for her wasn't clouding his head, and she was staring at him with open eyes as he begged her to open her mouth to him. They were both extremely aware of what they were doing and why they shouldn't be doing it.
"Kara…" Her name fell off his lips as if it was the most natural thing.
He was pushing her back against her pillow when the bunkroom hatch flew open. Lee realized how hard it was to let Kara go when it took him a good thirty seconds to stop kissing her. The two of them turned to see Hot Dog staring at them in awe.
"Is there something you need, Constanza?" Lee asked.
"Um, no, sir," Hot Dog stuttered. "I just want to grab some stuff to bet at the triad game."
"Well, grab it and get out," Kara growled from behind him.
Lee hadn't even realized she was hiding behind his shoulder until she spoke. For the first time, he stopped thinking about how wrong this was for him and focused on how humiliating it must be for her. She had just been caught in a delicate position with her superior officer. Lee wasn't deaf. He knew what the nuggets said about his relationship with Kara. He never corrected them because that would be a lie. What they said about him and Starbuck was at least partially true. They did have a special something between them.
"Don't rush, Hot Dog," Lee said. "I was on my way out anyway. There's probably more debriefings I need to go to."
Hot Dog nervously stared at his locker, being sure not to watch Lee as he stood up and fixed his disheveled clothing. "Yes, sir," he mumbled.
Lee kneeled down in front of the bunk and reached out to rest a hand on Kara's knee. "I'm sorry for what you had to go through, Kara, but you need to realize that you did not deserve that."
Kara gave a small nod, and Lee found himself unsure if his words really had gotten through to her. There wasn't time to see. Getting caught by Hot Dog was bad. Getting caught by anyone else would be worse.
Lee glanced at the open hatch before pulling her hands up for one last kiss.
Kara sat on the bunk for a long time after he had left. She had no idea why she told Lee any of that. Her relationship with her mother was something she had kept to herself always. It was the memory that made her strong when life got too tough. She had never let herself admit those memories were also her weakness until Lee had walked into the bunkroom and asked a simple question about a routine any fan could have known.
She was just going to tell him the story she always used. She was a wild child who had a few particularly nasty falls when she was little, resulting in many broken fingers. Most people, including the general manager of the Buccaneers, bought the lie.
Then he had to go and confess what he had done to Gianne. Kara had never experienced trust as great as when he laid his heart open and pointed at the wounds he had made over the years. She was a distant person by nature. People didn't open themselves up to a distant woman who refused to talk about anything but what was right in front of her face.
Kara didn't know what any of that meant in the long run. All she knew was things couldn't go back to the way they were before Caprica, before the end of the world, and before Galactica. She wasn't shocked to realize that what mattered the most in her heart was the knowledge that things were not going to go back to the way they were before Lee.
She had let someone in, and this time there was no way she was letting them out.