To DD or Not to DD

Fandom: CSI:NY

Author: Kimmychu

Rating: FRM (it may go up later)

Pairing: Danny/Flack, Danny/Mac

Content Warning: Cracktasticness, odd body changes, language. Did I mention cracktasticness?

Spoilers: Set after 'Fair Game', so spoilers for any episode previous to that

Summary: After a freak laboratory accident at CSI headquarters, Danny is cursed (or blessed, depending on how you see things) with very unusual … add-ons. Inspired by a forum comment: "Danny is the show's DD breasts."

Disclaimer: Nope, none of the characters belong to me. What a shame. I would treat them oh so well. They have no idea what they're missing.

Chapter 6

On the second day of Danny's hospitalization, a tall, silver-haired man in the light blue scrubs of an ME tied the final suture to seal up the Y-incision extending over the dead body's chest.

Syd Hammerback pinched the area between his eyes, mystified by his findings.

This was … illogical.

He placed his spectacles back onto his eagle-hooked nose as rapid, clacking footsteps alerted him to the incoming presence of Detective Bonasera.

"Hammerback, what's the news?" She was utterly lovely in a low, v-neck sweater and black trousers, her copious, wavy hair tied in a high ponytail. Hammerback smiled at her, face crinkled up. Ahh, the Greek rose in his garden of weeds had returned to grace him with her blossoming splendor. Stella paused on the opposite side of the autopsy table, looking at the female corpse lying on its chilly, steel surface.

A few days back, Stella and Mac had answered the call to a DB found chucked in the dank recesses of an alley, a couple of blocks away from the Museum of Natural History in upper Manhattan. It had been a cold night, with a biting wind that made everyone just as bitter. The body was slumped against the brick wall and a dumpster, chin on chest, arms and legs spread wide apart. Stella wasn't even going to comment on the enormous breasts.

Stella's eyes were drawn to it straight away. Even from a distance, the glowing, neon-blue substance splattered all over the corpse made it stand out like a beacon in the darkness. The viscous stuff reminded her of that slimy, green ghost from the Ghostbusters. For a woman, the victim was really tall; she'd have loomed at the height of at least six foot three. Taller than Flack, a thought that made Stella's eyebrow arch.

Looking at the same body in a reclining position and cleaned, Stella was even more aware of how tall the woman was, in addition to the squareness of the jaw and brow. The abnormally large hands and feet led her to one conclusion, but she kept quiet. She wanted to hear what Hammerback had to say. He appeared uneasy.

"Yikes."

Stella spun around to see Mac with an aghast expression on his face.

"Well, this certainly explains why more male lab technicians are loitering outside than normal."

Stella's red lips twitched.

"Detective Taylor, good of you to join us," Hammerback greeted drolly. "I'm not quite sure how to break this to you …" Hammerback directed their gazes to the victim's lower abdomen area. He had left the opening unsutured, so Stella and Mac had a first-class view of yet another human being's insides. "On the outside, this person can safely be assumed to be a woman. However, on the inside …" - Hammerback peeled back the flesh for more visibility - "Take a look for yourself."

They peered inside.

Stella made a face. "Hmm. No female reproductive organs."

"Exactly. I've found no indication that any were previously removed by surgery. No internal cut marks whatsoever. No uterus either, although the external female genitals are present."

"So, what we have here … is a transexual." She angle her head to the left, eyebrows lifted. Hammerback mimicked her, angling his head to his left. Mac allowed himself a minuscule smirk at their antics.

"Yes, I thought so too. However …" - he gestured towards the mountainous breasts - "Those are giving me second thoughts."

Stella smirked, sending him a mock glare. "Behave yourself, Hammerback."

He laughed in reply. "Oh no, I only have eyes for you." He dipped his head bashfully.

Stella was grinning now. "Beeeehave."

Hammerback coughed, pushing up his spectacles with a finger. "Yes, as I was saying, I'm having doubts about the gender of our murder victim here." He repositioned the fluorescent laboratory lamps over the corpse's chest area. "Breasts like these are impossible without both a concentrated treatment of hormones and breast implants. I mean …" - Hammerback's bushy eyebrows raised in amusement - "These are breasts the size of Mount Everest we're discussing here. Even a natural woman with huge breasts would need additional implants to get to this size."

"As far as I know, hormone treatments alone have only produced 'naturally' grown breasts with the largest size of B-cups so far. Don't ask how I know," he quickly added before Stella could make a sarcastic remark. He pressed a gloved hand against the bottom of one massive breast, exposing the underside. "No surgical scars at all. X-rays show no implants either."

It was Mac's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Hmmm. This is interesting."

Hammerback nodded. "So, we're looking at a new, very radical, non-surgical breast enlargement procedure … or it's time to give Agent Mulder and Scully a call to take back their gender-bender shape-shifter."

"X-Files fan, I see," Stella said.

"Oh yes, I particularly enjoyed the episode where Agent Mulder exchanged bodies with that government lackey after the spacecra-" Hammerback swallowed whatever else he was going to say at Mac's pointed look. "What about the blue substance found all over the body? Have you figured out what it is?" Hammerback slanted his head in a questioning stance.

Mac frowned. "No, Danny was working on that when the explosion occurred. We lost all the samples there, but -" - Mac took out a white, opaque container from a pocket in his coat - "I collected some more from Danny while they were admitting him to the hospital. It's all that's left."

"And how is Detective Messer?"

"He had a fever." Stella instantly gave Mac a firm stare, which Mac returned with an encouraging one. "It's gone down. Flack called up a while ago to let me know."

Stella sighed audibly.

Hammerback picked up some papers off a wheeled trolley next to the autopsy table, handing them to Mac. "Fingerprints."

Mac took them with a nod. "I'll get Lindsay to run them through AFIS. Meanwhile, I'll work on whatever this blue, gooey stuff is. Thanks, Hammerback."

Mac and Stella pushed through the heavy doors of the autopsy room, heading for the labs upstairs. She smiled at him, eyes twinkling. "Gooey. Now there's a good forensic word."

"Hey, I said that first!"

On the day Flack drove Danny back to his apartment from the hospital, Lindsay was sitting in front of a black, sleek computer monitor, watching AFIS scanning through the millions of fingerprints stored in its vast database. She gently kicked at her chair's strut with her heel in a monotonous rhythm. She was somewhat peeved that Mac'd delegated this menial task to her when she could be helping him or Stella or Hawkes out with the investigation into the explosion. Hadn't they already gotten over her newbie status ages ago? She was a qualified and accomplished CSI, damnit.

Her kicks became harder. She had to admit to herself the only person on the team who'd given her a difficult time since she arrived was Danny. First day on the job, she was cool with the edgy teasing from the spectacled guy. She should have known his niceness by advising her to call Mac 'sir' was all an act to get her in trouble anyway. It was so obvious, but she really wanted to make a good impression on her new boss. After all, he'd chosen her out of so many possible candidates in the country for the job opportunity. There was no way in hell she was gonna blow it.

Danny's actions and attitude baffled her. She had no idea whether to reckon he was interested in her, or hated her Montana guts. From the outside, people had the view he had some kind of high school crush on her. They didn't say it to her face, of course, but she had ears, she could hear just fine. The first week she and Danny worked together, she thought the same thing too.

On the second day alone, she'd noticed him staring at her in at least five different instances from the corner of her eye. It was always an aloof, appraising stare, as if he was trying to figure out who she really was. Or whether he could dig up her darkest secrets merely by looking at her long enough. That sent a shiver up her spine. She had secrets, alright ... secrets bad enough to make her run away forever from the place she once called home. If Danny truly had some kind of grudge against her, she had to be extremely careful. She couldn't afford to lose another job like this due to somebody's embittered heart all over again.

On the fourth day, Lindsay was beginning to figure out there was something much bigger going on in the picture than she could see. Something almost sinister. She was sick of him calling her Montana way too much for her liking, and told him off straight into his face. At first, she was pacified by his seemingly sincere apology, his excuse he was just 'protecting' her because she was new. Later that evening, she ruminated over it and realized that it was a totally lame excuse. Protect her? From what? A couple of spoilt, rich dead teenagers who got their heads blown off by bullets? She'd seen far worse sights than that. Nope, Danny wasn't sorry at all.

By the end of that week, he asked her out to lunch after interviewing a few potential suspects, an offer she declined on the spot. She heard the frustration, and even resentment, clearly in his voice. Her gut instincts told her she'd done the right thing. In some way, she knew he wasn't upset solely because she said no. She felt as if her rejection had thrown a huge wrench into the cogs of whatever ominous plan he had in mind. She was convinced the hostility brewing between them had to do with a mutual person in their lives.

Mac.

Her new boss was like the opposite mirror image of Danny. While Danny was highly emotional, prone to rebellion and brashness, Mac was a steady pillar of composure and reliability. He had a presence that commanded respect and humility. His awarded past as a Marine significantly contributed to the general public's deferential opinion of him as well. Only a fool would be stupid enough to mess around with a man who could disassemble and reassemble a variety of firearms in seconds. Even Stella, the fiery phoenix of the team, thought twice before waging verbal combat with Mac.

Lindsay had no uncertainty when it came to Mac. She liked the guy, just not that way. He was like the father or older brother she never had, someone she could look up to for counsel. It seemed he felt similarly towards her, from the way he watched her completing her tasks and commended her like a father would a favored child. She never sensed any sexual attraction between them at any time they were working together.

When Mac was with Danny, however, she could virtually see the substantial difference in his body language. The moment the spiky-haired, younger CSI was near, Mac's back would stiffen with a tension Lindsay could only describe as anticipatory. His facial features would go blank; it was his hazel eyes that said everything. Danny would become all taut too, face set in a neutral air, and like Mac, it was his blue eyes that bared his inner sentiments. As annoying as Danny was, Lindsay knew he wasn't brainless. From what she'd heard, Danny got burnt by Mac's rebukes more than anyone else to date. So, the only rationalization she came up with over why Danny was so keen on getting into Mac's face and challenging him time and again … was because Mac loved it and Danny knew it.

She didn't understand why, but the thought made her leg jerk.

The computer emitted a shrill, pinging sound. Yes! AFIS had a confirmed match.

Then she focused on the screen. Lindsay's back hit the chair heavily.

The portentous logo of the FBI unfolded across the monitor, the words 'Access Denied' blatant in red below.