Though she hadn't expected it, there was a light dusting of snow falling from the sky, which just made it seem all the more like Christmas to Erin. She cradled Catherine closer to her chest as she stared out at yard, watching Elise play with Jack and his cousins. It was amazing how well her daughter had slipped in with the rest of the family, though she shouldn't have been that surprised, since they had been so welcoming at Haley's funeral. There was an air of sadness that clung to all the adults, though, as they recognized the fact that Haley wasn't with them any longer, that this first holiday without her was steeped in sorrow.
She jumped a little before tensing slightly as a large hand spread out on her back. Glancing up, she saw that Aaron had come over to the window to join her, the saddest smile she had ever seen gracing his lips. "Thank you again, for letting us join you. I think that this has been so good for Elise."
"It's been good for all of us, Erin," he said quietly as he looked down into Catherine's sleeping face. "How is she doing?"
"She's growing faster than Elise did, and she appears to be perfect. For all the drama that surrounded her birth, it's like God gave us the miracle of a perfect, quiet, baby. She's alert, too, like Elise was, drinking everything in, but there are times when I think that she's judging me already. Which would not really surprise me, since I am her mother."
Aaron let out a low chuckle as his hand slid down her back to rest on her waist, his thumb rubbing absently as they watched their children. "Jessica and Kayla are glad to have your older daughters helping them in the kitchen this year, too."
"Yes, well, if we were bringing seven extra mouths to feed, I knew that they had to help out a little, to earn our keep, so to speak. I would have been in there too, but Kayla shooed me out here."
"She did the same thing to Haley when Jack was first born. She knows just how exhausting it can be to be new mother at this time of year. And I think that food will be ready soon, since we normally eat around two."
"Just what are you two talking about over here?"
Erin glanced over at David, giving him a small smile as she shrugged. "Just talking about Christmases past. And how we're glad to be together this year." David nodded as he rested his hand on Erin's bad shoulder, his thumb absently running against the seam of her sweater as he joined them in watching the children. "Did you remember the presents? I was a little out of it this morning when we loaded the car."
"Yes, I remembered the presents, stellina. I loaded them last night in the trunk, and Bruce and Roy helped me bring the bags in to put beneath the tree. You've had so much on your mind that I wanted to make this as easy on you as possible. We all did."
She nodded, feeling tears start to clog her throat as she stepped closer to him, resting her head on his chest as she took a few deep breaths. "I still wish that I had been smarter?"
"Erin," both men said in tandem, and she pursed her lips as she struggled to keep from bursting into tears. She didn't want to ruin the holiday festivities for everyone by acting histrionic, and she felt perilously close to that being true.
"Here, let me take Catherine for a little while. Roy mentioned wanting to see the newest little bean." Aaron gave her a tender look, as if he just knew how close she was to breaking down in that moment. Nodding a little, she carefully shifted her daughter from her arms to his, sighing a little at the way that Aaron's hand instantly cradled Catherine's head, cradling her close to his chest as he left their sides to head into the living room to be with the rest of the family.
"I didn't think that this would overwhelm me as much as it is," she murmured as David wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. He hummed beneath his breath as his hand stroked her torso softly, trying to soothe her. "I just don't know if I'll ever truly be happy again. I feel like I'm putting on this great act for the children's sake, but there's still this cloud of gloom hanging over my head."
"Some of that is the hormones going haywire in your body."
"I know that, mister!" Rolling her eyes a little, she let out a weary breath. "I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Erin. You have survived something that few people have, along with Aaron. Our last child was born early as a result, so you have that added worry on top of things. Added into the hormone shifts that are occurring in your body, and it combines into the worst sort of situation that you might think of. Just know that we're here for you, all of us."
"I know, that's why I'm glad to be here. I, I need to find Jessica."
He nodded before pressing his lips against the crown of her head. "Of course. I love you."
Erin relaxed at the sound of those words, and she pursed her lips together as she drew in a deep breath. "I love you, too. You have no idea how much love there is in my heart for you right now." Turning, she looked up into his eyes, seeing that they were wet with unshed tears. "Go check in on the men, and see if Catherine is wrapping them around her little finger without even doing anything."
"Of course," he murmured as they parted ways, and she rolled her head around a little, trying to work out some of the stiffness there as she made her way into the kitchen.
The buzz of activity there was a balm to her heart, and she allowed a smile to spread across her face as she went over to the counter where Jessica stood, working on finishing up the dinner rolls. "Can I please help?" she murmured as she rested one hand on Jessica's forearm, needing the physical connection with her in that moment.
The younger woman glanced at her before nodding. "Mom, why don't you and the girls start setting the table for our meal? We've just these last few details to finish up, and I think that the two of us can get those done quick enough."
Kayla nodded before coming over to her side and rubbing her back softly. "Of course, Jessie. It's good to keep our hands busy."
Erin nodded as she rubbed her lips together, watching her daughters follow after Kayla into the dining room. Once they were alone in the kitchen, Jessica slipped her hands from the dough that she was working before wiping her hands off on a towel and looking into Erin's eyes, a softness in her expression that told Erin she was just as close to losing it as Erin was. "This is so much harder than I thought it would be."
"That's why I wanted to come find you. I am so close to losing it, Jess." In that moment, Jessica pulled her into a tight hug, taking care not to jostle her bad shoulder too much as they both released a choked sob as they embraced. "I keep trying to have this brave face at home, because my children need me to be strong. And I have to wear that at work because so few people know my heart and see me as this Ice Queen bitch who fucks with peoples' lives and gets them killed. I will always have Haley's blood on my hands."
"Oh, god, Erin, no. You were not responsible for her murder. That lies squarely on the shoulders of George Foyet. You can't shoulder that burden." Jessica pressed Erin's head down against her shoulder before starting to rub her back gently as they cried together. "I am so glad that I'm watching Jack and Elise, because now I know what to look out for when you come home. And just like I'm doing with Aaron, I'm going to do with you, and that is not allowing you to be shattered by a guilt that doesn't belong to you. I'm not saying we won't be full of grief for months to come, but we're not going to stop living just because some monster thought he could destroy us by taking away Haley. Okay?"
She nodded a little as she struggled to get control of her emotions as she pulled away from Jessica to look into her eyes, seeing the love that was shining there. "The most I can promise is that I'll try. But with you and David reminding me that everything will be all right with time, I think that that lesson will sink in a little quicker. Now, what else do we need to do to finish up here?" Jessica gave her a wobbly smile as she shook her head a little and began to direct Erin on what to do to help finish up the meal for them.