To DD or Not to DD

Fandom: CSI:NY

Author: Kimmychu

Rating: FRM (it may go up later)

Pairing: Danny/Flack, Danny/Mac

Content Warning: Cracktasticness, odd body changes, language. Did I mention cracktasticness?

Spoilers: Set after 'Fair Game', so spoilers for any episode previous to that

Summary: After a freak laboratory accident at CSI headquarters, Danny is cursed (or blessed, depending on how you see things) with very unusual ... add-ons. Inspired by a forum comment: "Danny is the show's DD breasts."

Disclaimer: Nope, none of the characters belong to me. What a shame. I would treat them oh so well. They have no idea what they're missing.

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Author's Notes: Hi again! Thank you for all the reviews. Glad you're enjoying the story! Longest chapter by far, this one is for the Lindsay fans. Can't say they'll like Lindsay as she's written in this story though …

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Chapter 13

The first thing Danny saw was a cuddly armadillo plushie the length of his forearm. He stared at it with bleary, half-open eyes. That was not his. No, he did not cuddle. Period. He shook himself to forget Flack teasing him about hugging the blue teddy bear that receptionist at his workplace gave him, at the hospital. He had been cold, damnit. That was the only reason he'd been holding it.

He took stock of his surroundings. This unfamiliar place where he was definitely wasn't Mac's hideout apartment either, unless the guy crept in during the night and secretly switched his interiors for western cowboy deco. Danny was a little weirded out he seriously believed his boss could very well just do something like that. Mac was different in that way that enraptured him long after everything else bored the hell out of him. And holy cow, was the a preserved bull's head hanging on the wall?

He was reclined on a hefty leather couch, covered by a dark red, warm plaid blanket. Above him on the wall, a vibrant tapestry of desert scenery brought life to the pale-colored wall behind it. All around him were indications the owner of the home had an affection for the cowboy culture; the majority of the furniture were made of wood and the lamp fixtures had a Native American motif to them. Next to the couch was an antique rocking chair with two plush pillows. Another colorful tapestry hung above the television set at a distance from the couch.

The armadillo plushie was stuck in his arms, snuggled against his face and chest. Okay, he did not willingly hug it. Somebody put it there, he was certain of it.

The pleasant aroma of brewed tea assailed his nostrils.

And then his whole body became determined to remind him what a shitty, skull-splitting hangover felt like.

"Rise and shiiiiine!"

Danny buried his face into the pillow under his head, and groaned. He felt a troop of hammers start their relentless battering on his helpless brain. No way was he going to handle Montana cheeriness dressed in a t-shirt and jeans properly this early in the morning.

"Danny, I made some tea. I got something to help you with your headache too."

He struggled to his elbows like an old man, groaning some more. He shifted the big armadillo plushie under his chin for support, rubbing at his eyes with the sides of his hands.

"Didchu put this armadillo here?" Danny could feel his hair flopping in all directions. He stuck out his lower lip and blew air upwards to get some strands out from his eyes.

Lindsay chortled. "Uh, no … it was on the couch when I brought you here. You wouldn't let it go, so I left it with you." She grinned at him.

Crap.

"Jus' so you know, I was drunk." He sat up and appreciatively took the cup of tea from her. Mmm, jasmine tea. "I'm not responsible for my actions when I'm drunk." His pounding headache receded somewhat as he swallowed the hot drink.

When he finished it, Lindsay handed him another glass filled with a dubious-looking concoction. "It's a family remedy. It'll make you feel lots better." She smiled again. "I know it smells funny, but trust me, it's good."

Danny stared at the greenish-brown liquid with an aghast face. The hammering in his brain came back with full force. He halfheartedly raised the glass to his lips and gulped it down as quickly as he could. Gyaah, it tasted yucky. He stuck his tongue out and crumpled his face in disgust.

Lindsay laughed. "Whoops, forgot to tell you it tastes a little funny too."

"A little? You tryin' ta poison me? That was, like, New York sewage!" He wiped a hand across his lips.

Lindsay went to her kitchen to clean the now empty cups. "You want something to eat? Toast, maybe?"

"Nah, I'm not hungry." Danny shivered in the cool air and pulled the plaid blanket around his shoulders. Lindsay had probably removed his jacket last night; it was folded neatly on a short side table on the opposite end of the couch. He reflexively tugged one band of his white tank top upwards. The one he wore was only one out of three other tank tops that could fit over his chest now. One of his black ones literally ripped open in the middle when he strained it over his breasts. Fuck, it was one of his favorite ones too.

Oh shit. Now Lindsay knew about his … transformation too!

He swathed his upper body, neck and jaw with the blanket until only his eyes and nose showed, sucking in a deep breath to calm himself. Damndamndamndamndamn …

Lindsay came back into view, sitting down on the rocking chair next to him. She had a plate with two pieces of buttered toasts on it.

"Uhm, I called Mac earlier while you were asleep." Her light eyes were all-knowing. "He told me the details."

Danny closed his eyes and curled up into the blanket. "Okay."

An awkward silence reigned for a few minutes.

"You look like you're waiting for me to laugh my butt off at you."

Danny's lips thinned and downturned. "Well, aren't ya goin' to? This is your ultimate piece of blackmail right here, Montana. One sentence is all ya need to say at work to ruin me for life."

"Danny. I'm not the only one here who's learnt a secret that could destroy someone."

Danny's blue eyes opened wide at the statement. He looked hard at Lindsay. She had a tiny smile on her lips, but her eyes were old and sad.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Are you … uncomfortable with … who I am now?"

Danny snorted. "Gee, Lindsay, taken a good look at me lately?" He whipped open the blanket and blatantly displayed his ample bosom.

She giggled, her face crinkled up in good humor. Danny had to smile. She had a cute laugh too. Perhaps, in another time and place, he could have had something remarkable with someone like her. He visualized six feet of flawless skin, big cerulean eyes, dark shorn hair and a blinding smile. No, he wouldn't consider her as someone more than a colleague, not in this time and place.

"So, uh. How long have you … ?"

Lindsay smirked. "Been a lesbian?"

Danny grimaced, playing with the floppy ears of the armadillo soft toy. "Yeah. I mean … I couldn't tell at all."

"I'm good at hiding it." Lindsay smiled mirthlessly. "You learn to be good at it once you've been burnt long enough. And I've been doing it for a long time." She inclined forward, elbows on knees. "How are you feeling?"

Danny realized his headache had nearly dissipated completely. He even felt reinvigorated. "Hey. That icky stuff really worked."

"It's a secret. I might tell you sometime, since we've moved to the chatting stage and all." Lindsay winked. "Danny, you up for listening to a story?"

"Sure. Got nowhere to go anyway." He moved to a more relaxed position on the couch. "Off day for you?"

"Yeah. We're very lucky cases have been few this past week. Everyone at HQ has been acting strange lately. Mac's more short fused, as well as Stella. Hawkes' more distant than usual. And Flack …" - Lindsay shrugged - "I know he doesn't like me very much."

"Well, ya can't blame them for being that way these days. They're like that 'cos of me." Danny fidgeted with the rim of the blanket. "Dunno why they bother worryin' so much 'bout me."

Lindsay smiled. "It was Mac who insisted on me staying with you today. I think your drunken foray at a bar on your ownpanicked him." Her lower face contorted in exertion not to laugh.

"You didn't tell him 'bout that-that jerk, did you!" Danny exclaimed.

Lindsay gave up containing her laughter. "Of course not! Then he would have demanded to know what we were both doing at a dyke bar, wouldn't he?"

"Thank GOD." Danny visibly slouched in relief. He crossed his legs and sat on the couch Indian-style. "Well … what's this story of yours then?"

Her expression turned solemn. "Did you ever wonder why I left Montana and came here to New York city?"

Danny shrugged. "Mac picked ya for your achievements. You broke that case. Figured that was an obvious reason."

Lindsay chewed on piece of toast, leaving the other one on the plate on her lap.

"When I started out as a CSI fresh out of the academy, I thought I had the whole world at my feet, you know? I thought, here I was, with these skills and knowledge that could save people or put their hearts at peace. I solved my first few cases, got my reputation jumpstarted and I was on my way up the ladder."

She inhaled audibly.

"Then, I was transferred to a better facility, received better pay, got bigger cases." Lindsay's eyes were glossy in reminiscence. "And that was when I met the person who changed my world and flipped me head over heels. She was … amazing. She knew everything, did everything perfectly. She was, well, the kind of CSI I wanted to be."

"There was just one problem." She smiled despondently. "She was married. With two kids and a loving, oblivious husband."

Danny winced in sympathy, breath hissing through his teeth.

"The irony was, she was the one who made the first move. Our affair lasted for nearly a year. In the beginning, she promised me she was going to leave her husband to be with me. And being the foolish, naïve thing that I was, I really believed her. I thought things were going to work out for us. For a little while." If Lindsay's eyes were watery, Danny was sensible enough to keep quiet about it. "But the weeks turned into months and … I knew she'd never go through with it."

Lindsay set the uneaten toast and plate onto a side table nearby. "I confronted her about it. Told her I had enough and wanted to break the relationship. She wouldn't allow it. She threatened to expose me and destroy my career if I did it. " Lindsay wiped her face. "But she was at a stalemate, you see. Exposing me meant exposing her too. At her position in the labs, the entire staff would be affected as well."

Understanding dawned on Danny. "Your ex-lover. She was your supervisor."

"Yeah," Lindsay replied hoarsely. "When I insisted on breaking up anyway, she switched tactics and gave me three choices. Continue the affair, resign from my job or break up and suffer her wrath of giving me the crappiest work. She made my life a living hell for over four months. I didn't know what to do. I felt so … lost, you know?"

Danny's mind evoked the memory of incensed hazel eyes and unforgiving words. In retrospect, especially after Mac's brief talk with him back at his apartment bedroom, the friction between them was, in all probability, nothing compared to what Lindsay went through. But he truly understood how she felt. Sinister laughter reverberated in his thoughts, the image of a shadowed man standing over his dead father with a smoking gun and a malicious grin crystal-clear. Danny Messer was no stranger to betrayal of the highest level.

"A little while after that, I received a letter from Mac, offering me a job right here in New York. It was my way out." Lindsay attempted at a sincere, positive smile. "And as you know, the rest is history."

Seeing Lindsay try so hard at being cheery while she still had tear tracks on her cheeks made a great part of Danny's heart ache. It hurt more so than the persistent soreness in his neck and back. All the occasions where he mocked her or gave her a really hard time in the past months since they met struck him like a sledgehammer. In light of what she just imparted to him … he'd been an utter asshole towards her.

"I dunno what to say." Danny smiled apologetically at her. "'Cept … I'm sorry I acted like a total jerk all this time."

Lindsay gaped. "Oh my God. Did you apologize?"

Danny made a face. "What? Whaaat? What's the big deal 'bout that?"

Lindsay's mouth stayed cavernous. "It's the end of the world. Danny Messer apologized." Then she tumbled back, laughing out loud and clutching her sides. Danny rolled his eyes dramatically, but he was privately delighted to see her laughing again. He hated watching his friends cry or be depressed.

Whoa. He just called Lindsay his friend.

And he was absolutely cool with it.

"Hey, I'm a normal guy, ya know." He glanced downwards at his chest. "Well, almost normal."

Lindsay's laughter slowly trickled away; her smile remained. "I had a good reason to tell you all that. I thought, if you realized I'm not interested in men, we would be able to put aside our differences and start over."

"Whaddaya mean? I've never had anythin' against you." Danny's face heated up at Lindsay's skeptical expression.

"Mac likes ta be called 'sir'. Remember that?"

Danny grimaced, both rows of pearly teeth in full view. "Heeey, I was just kiddin'! Teasin'! People in Montana know what sarcasm means, right?"

Lindsay looked daggers at him for another second, then her face split into a huge grin. "Truthfully, I liked the teasing." The grin diminished to a small smile. "Apart from Mac, you were the only person at work who talked to me like I was a person with a life, not just another laboratory automaton."

Danny never saw things that way before.

"And Mac … well. I know how you feel about him."

Danny frowned. " … huh?"

"Mac! I know you've been teasing me and ragging on me all this time because of Mac." Lindsay waved her hands in circles. "You're attracted to him, aren't you? You were jealous of me possibly taking over your place as his 'young protégé'."

It was Danny's turn to drop his lower jaw. "Whoawhoa, I - you … I - how do y-" He bounced once where he sat. "I-I don't even know that for sure."

Lindsay smiled benignly. "The part where you're attracted to him, or the part about you being jealous?"

Danny scratched at his ear in nervousness. "I …" All of a sudden, he was thinking back to a hot afternoon at a pizza parlor just a couple of blocks away from Flack's precinct, chowing down on a delicious slice of pepperoni-and-cheese pizza. It was the day after he got trapped in that schizophrenic billionaire's panic room, and Flack'd kept in mind his demand for pizza while he was still stuck in there. Flack was staring ardently at him as he licked the tomato puree off his fingers, saying in a low, near sensual voice, "Now that's how you treat good pizza."

"Man, hearing it in words … the jealousy thing sounds so petty." Danny cackled goodnaturedly. "You're huntin' in the right field, but you're aimin' at the wrong moose."

Lindsay angled her head in a surprisingly mature, introspective way. Her eyes gleamed. "Huh. Now that explains a lot of things. No wonder he doesn't like me, what with you and I working together a lot lately."

Danny's face became even redder. He bowed his head and fidgeted with the armadillo plushie. "Believe me, he's not as bad as ya think. It just takes some time for him to get used to new people 'round him." He smiled bashfully. "I dunno whether he feels the same way anyway. And neither of us are … ya know."

"Oh, I know about your track record with women, Messer." Amusement rang clear in her voice. "In fact, Hawkes mentioned one of your girlfriends a long while back. Cindy. The One Who Talks Too Much." Lindsay grinned.

"Ex-girlfriend," Danny amended. "We lasted a total of twelve days. Longest relationship I had since college. Heh. Like ya said, she talked too much for my liking. The minute she started goin' on about bringin' me to formal functions and movin' in together, I was outta there."

Commitment-phobe, a voice that sounded a lot like Flack whispered in his head.

"I bet you had more girlfriends than I did." Lindsay leaned back and kicked lightly at the floor to move the rocking chair back and forth. "Counting my current one … I've only had four."

"Nothin' wrong with that." Danny scratched the spot between the armadillo plushie's ears. "Aiden always liked weird animals like armadillos," he murmured under his breath. He decided it was Lindsay's turn to lay down her cards on her relationships instead. "So, who's the lucky chick?"

Lindsay bit her lower lip, gazing at Danny with a weighty expression for a few minutes before standing up and heading to her bedroom nearby. She returned moments later with her wallet in hand.

"Here. Take a look for yourself." She passed it to him, opened to reveal a single photograph inserted into one of its transparent sleeves.

In the picture, Lindsay was touching cheeks with another woman, a long-haired brunette with a bright smile and a pert, upturned nose. They both grinned at the camera, their intimacy evident in the way they held hands and had their other arms enveloped around each other's waist. It must have been an evening party for they were clothed in eye-catching, glittering dresses and jewellery.

Danny stared at the other woman for a very long time.

"Lindsay." He couldn't take his eyes off the photograph. "That's …"

Lindsay was sitting back on the rocking chair, her fingers entwined together and held apprehensively in front of her mouth. She didn't say anything.

"That's Aiden."

Lindsay smiled diminutively. "Yes, I know. She's a wonderful woman."

"Aiden's your … your girlfriend?" Wow, he was using up at least fifty years of his quota of life-shockers in a single week. "She - I mean … she never told me she was a lesbian."

"She isn't. She's bisexual. Likes both men and women. She had a crush on you for a long time. And Flack too."

Oh hell, he just used up a quota of another ten years on yet another life-shocker. Geez, how did that famous Chinese saying go? We live in interesting times. He was finally hearing fresh, if shocking, news about one of his best friends, and yet, all he could feel was … exasperation. Frustration. Betrayal.

His surroundings rapidly felt acrimonious and remote.

Fuck it. He had to get the hell out of the place. Pronto.

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"Aiden." Lindsay heard an entire universe of hurt in the utterance of that single name.

Danny gave her back her wallet. Lindsay could virtually see the walls building back up around him by invisible hands with every silent tick of the clock. His face was shuttered.

"I wanna go back to Mac's apartment." He didn't look at her; he scowled at nothing in particular, his thoughts far away. If it wasn't for the toast left on the side table, Lindsay would have been almost convinced none of their conversation had happened at all. She knew there was the chance Danny would react negatively towards this final revelation.

Danny tossed the plaid blanket aside, grabbing his jacket and donning it. He was trying hard to behave aloof, but Lindsay saw the quavering of his hands while he smoothed out the lapels. Danny wasn't as unaffected by Aiden's abrupt departure as everyone assumed, after all.

They stayed mute throughout the journey down the apartment building elevator and to the car park where Lindsay stowed her vehicle. She sighed. As poorly as it'd ended, she still felt everything that took place that morning was phenomenal progress in both their professional and personal relationships. She never imagined it was to Danny, of all people, whom she would tell about her dark secret. Life was unpredictable that way.

As for this Aiden-related hurdle that popped out of the blue, Lindsay was sure it was far from too late to mend the broken bridges between Danny and his former CSI partner.

Aiden's armadillo soft toy he embraced as she drove him back told her more than any spoken denial of his ever would.