Shanan got into the shower and could almost feel the water washing away a lot of her sadness. She wasn't sure why, but she suddenly felt more hopeful about her future. She may not remember ever having been a part of this life, but she still had Kakashi.
Kakashi got into the shower with her after a few minutes to keep her company and he didn't really want to be alone either yet. Even though the other part of him still felt awkward about seeing her like this.
Shanan was more than happy that he'd come in, though, and helped him wash his hair and massaged his head while she did it, because she knew he had always really liked it.
"You have different scars." Kakashi said to her almost a bit sadly. He traced a long one down her back. "I imagine this is from when you broke your back."
Shanan looked at him surprised. "I broke my back? How did I manage to do that, again?"
He was still rinsing his hair as he spoke. "You fell from the sky," he thought for a moment to get his memories in order.
"Oh, I do remember seeing that," she said as she laughed a little. "Your scars are different too, though." She went up to him as he was still under the water and traced one across his shoulder. "What happened here?"
"Pretty deep graze from a kunai, nothing too bad," he said as the water ran down his face, he couldn't stop staring at her as though he'd never seen her naked, even though he knew every single curve of her body. Even if some of the lines were different.
She traced her finger along an imaginary line across his ribs. "Remember when I had to heal you for an hour during our Anbu mission?" she said nostalgically.
"You mean the same mission we were on when you finally told me you were in love with me?" he said smiling as he put his hands tentatively on her waist.
She smiled playfully as she put her hand on the side of his face. "I noticed some things still look the same, though," she said as she glanced down.
Kakashi laughed a bit nervously. "Why shouldn't it?"
"I don't know how illusions work, maybe you changed it," she teased as she shrugged innocently.
"Well, I didn't need to." He smirked as he leaned down and kissed her.
They had already kissed a few times since leaving the Kaitei, but it still felt so new somehow. They also wanted to make sure the other person knew that they still loved them as much as they did before.
"I need you, my love," Shanan whispered between kisses.
Kakashi suddenly felt a bit hesitant. He really wanted to, both parts of him did, but he wasn't sure if they should just yet.
"Are you sure we should right now?" he asked as he continued to kiss her and pull her close.
Shanan pulled her lips away and nodded eagerly.
Kakashi leaned back to look at her, somewhat awkwardly. "You realize this'll be your first time, right? At least, I'm assuming."
Shanan looked a bit surprised for a second.
"Well, you are technically only seventeen," he reminded her.
Shanan raised an eyebrow at him. "We were only sixteen."
"Well, we were different."
"Alright, how seventeen am I?" she asked with a chuckle.
"And a half?" He raised his eyebrow at her as he said it, not sure if that was the answer she wanted.
She shrugged. "Maybe I'm not." She slid her arms around his shoulders and pulled him down to kiss her again.
Kakashi felt less hesitant now as he slowly walked her back against the wall of the shower and lifted her up as she bit his lip. He was already hard just from touching her and kissing her. As soon as he was sure he had a good grip on her, he slowly eased himself into her.
"Is this ok?" he asked her.
"Yeah, go slow to make sure though," she suggested.
He moved his hips slowly and she didn't seem to be in any pain.
"How does that feel?" he asked a bit breathlessly already. Other Kakashi was sure this would never happen, so that part of him was still in complete disbelief.
Shanan had her eyes closed as she held onto him. "It feels really good. You can go faster now," she said quietly.
Kakashi increased the speed of his thrusts as he watched her bouncing up and down on him, still gripping her firmly and holding her up. Both parts of him enjoyed making her bounce like this.
She could feel the day melting away as he started rolling deeply into her. She kept her eyes closed so that she could just focus on how amazing he felt in this moment. His hands gripping her hips felt stronger. His kisses on her neck felt softer and deeper. His grinding felt really powerful. Just the way that his body was rubbing against hers felt like it was the first time he'd ever touched her like this.
In fact, it was the first time that he had. But in parts of their minds, the number was unknown.
She suddenly felt as though she might leave her own body. "Don't stop, Kakashi." she said, panting. "Stay right there." She leaned forward to kiss him deeply, as she was, already, barely able to contain herself any longer.
Kakashi was already close too, but when she told him to stay in any one spot, he knew that she was right on the edge. His hands gripped her ass and rolled her hard against him now as he thrusted into her rhythmically until he felt her close in around him.
She gasped in between kisses, but never pulled her lips away from his. The passionate kissing seemed to enhance her orgasm.
As soon as she'd gotten off, Kakashi released himself into her while the kissing intensified his orgasm too. Once he was done he had to remove himself from inside of her quickly, because of how sensitive he immediately felt.
His legs were a bit wobbly, but he continued to hold her up while they caught their breath together. He knew her legs would be weak too, so he wanted to give her time to be able to stand.
She held onto him and stared into his eyes until she collected herself.
"Alright, you can let me down," she said after a few minutes. She couldn't stop staring at him as she put her hand on his cheek and smiled. "I love you..."
Kakashi let her down gently, staring back into her eyes as he kept his arms around her waist and then slowly pulled her in for a hug. "I love you, too," he said softly as he wrapped her up tightly.
He knew they were about to go through a lot together, but that it would be harder for her since she didn't remember anything before the Kaitei and he wished he could protect her from any and all pain she was about to deal with.
Especially when it came to her relationships with those around her.
And those not around her.
Once they were dressed, Kakashi made dinner for them and they continued to talk as they ate and Kakashi tried to do things the way they normally did them in an attempt to make Shanan feel at least a little better. He could tell that she wasn't herself at all since she was being a lot quieter than usual.
Shanan knew that Kakashi was really trying, but she was suddenly feeling really overwhelmed as everything had finally had the chance to really sink in. "I'm gonna use the bathroom, I'll be right back," she told Kakash a bit abruptly.
Once she was in there, she locked the door and sat on the floor. She hadn't cried for a couple of hours. Kakashi explained their lives to Tsunade with so much detail, but he knew that it wasn't actually real.
How could it not be real?...
After about ten minutes, Kakashi knocked on the door. "Shanan. Are you alright? Can I come in?"
She didn't say anything, just reached up and unlocked the door for him so that he could come in.
When he saw her sitting on the floor wiping her face, he sat next to her and pulled her into his embrace. "It's ok, Shanan. I'm still here. We still have each other," he whispered through his own tears.
She couldn't help it, she'd been wanting to say it all day, but she didn't want him to worry. "Kakashi, I'm so scared. Who even am I? I don't…" She sat back into her spot and wiped her cheeks again. "I don't know who I'm supposed to be."
Kakashi grabbed her hand and looked at her sympathetically.
"You remember this life, but I don't. All I know is that we knew and loved each other for twenty-five years. We grew up alone in our home together. We got married almost four years ago. We have the two most beautiful babies," she said as her voice broke.
Kakashi's chin quivered as she continued to speak and tears fell down his cheeks.
"I keep thinking that they're just home alone right now. I keep worrying that they're sitting in their crib, screaming for us. Needing to be fed and changed and that we're neglecting them for some reason. I keep asking myself, 'why am I here?' and just wanting to run back home to check. But then that small sliver of memories with you, tells me not to." She closed her eyes and sobbed while Kakashi squeezed her hand to let her know he wasn't going anywhere as he sobbed silently too. After a few minutes, she wiped her face again and continued. "That tiny piece of who I was out here… It scares me. I have countless memories in my mind, but just this small piece… all of my memories of you and who we were before… it's enough to let me know that all of my other memories are false, but not enough to tell me who I'm supposed to be."
"Your memories are real, Shanan," Kakashi said shakily. "Our lives were real. The twins… they were real." He shifted to face Shanan completely as he grabbed her other hand too. "Do you remember the way you felt when you were pregnant? The morning sickness? The kicks? The labor? I remember the way you'd grab my hand suddenly so that I could feel them rolling around. I remember how it looked and how completely in awe of you I was. I remember the panic we felt when we went into the hospital and the way you squeezed my hand during contractions and then how perfect and strong you were when it was finally time. I remember our first night in the hospital with them and then bringing them home. We felt like we did everything wrong, but we loved them so, so much. I remember how it felt like they'd been a part of us forever." He reached his hand up to caress Shanan's cheek and wipe away a few of her tears. "And they'll always be in our hearts, Shanan. They existed. We held them, we kissed them, we remember their scent. They were real and they always will be, because we will always really love them," he said as he pulled her in and cried with her again.
"I'm scared to unlock more memories, Kakashi," she whispered quietly after a few more minutes. "I don't wanna forget who I am and I'm scared to know who I was. I'm scared of changing."
Kakashi smiled softly at her as he looked into her eyes and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Shanan, you were just as amazing out here as you were in the Kaitei. Don't be afraid of becoming her again. You'll always have all of your memories from the Kaitei."
She couldn't help but feel worried still, but he was calming her down the same as he always had.
"You remember your parents now and you didn't before. You made them so well, by the way. I didn't know them before, but I knew what they looked like and I'm happy that I get to remember them too," he said softly. "And Minato and Kushina Senseis… Shanan. They were perfect. You took them from my memory and you knew the same people that I remember. It's just that things went a bit differently with them since you were there. Your memories are real. I won't ever let you forget them. And… I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, because of me."
Shanan frowned at him. "Don't apologize. My life, our life, was beautiful and perfect. Don't… Don't act like it's something to be sorry about. Like it's your fault and that that's a bad thing. If I did that for you, Kakashi, it's because you needed me to. I don't regret being there for you and erasing your darkness. I just hate that it's something we had to wake up from."
Kakashi squeezed her hand again. "Me too. I will never be able to thank you enough, Shanan. But I'll always try to." He smiled as he teared up again. "You've always gotten all the best parts of me, for as long as we've known each other, even before the Kaitei. I know I was away for a long time, but when we reunited, you became such a good friend to me. I enjoyed helping you with your chidori and chatting with you about books and you being way too direct with your feelings one minute and being completely ridiculous the next. You've always just… made me happy."
Shanan smiled at his words and squeezed his hand as she looked into his eyes. "Right now, my love, all of my memories are of you, so I can assure you, you've always just made me happy too," she said as she leaned in and kissed him softly.
This life would definitely take some getting used to, but as long as she had Kakashi there to keep her calm, then she knew she'd be alright.