To DD or Not to DD
Fandom: CSI:NY
Author: Kimmychu
Rating: FRM (it may go up later)
Pairing: Danny/Flack, Danny/Mac
Content Warning: Cracktasticness, odd body changes, language. Did I mention cracktasticness?
Spoilers: Set after 'Necrophilia Americana', so spoilers for any episode previous to that
Summary: After a freak laboratory accident at CSI headquarters, Danny is cursed (or blessed, depending on how you see things) with very unusual ... add-ons. Inspired by a forum comment: "Danny is the show's DD breasts."
Disclaimer: Nope, none of the characters belong to me. What a shame. I would treat them oh so well. They have no idea what they're missing.
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Author's Notes: For the record, I've yet to ever dine at Nobu in NYC, so I have no idea what the layout of the place is like outside or inside. Oh, and Chipita Eagle is a real earring designer. Magnifient earrings, seriously.
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Chapter 20
"Oh. Wow."
Danny kept his eyes stubbornly closed. "I'm not lookin'."
"Danny, I am serious. You have got to look at yourself in the mirror," Stella said.
"No."
Lindsay and Stella flanked Danny, who sat on a chair in front of the full-length mirror in the apartment bedroom. Stella had one arm on top of his shoulders while Lindsay laid her head on his opposite shoulder and pleaded with a high-pitched voice.
"Pleaaaaaaaase?"
Danny frowned in annoyance. "No!"
"You know, if you don't open your eyes, you're never going to see how hot you look in a low-cut evening gown."
"Or magnificent earrings and other various jewellery."
"Or out of this world makeup done by yours truly." Uh oh, Stella was in a playful mood. That did not bode well for Danny.
Danny attempted to hurdle out of the chair and make a run for it. Damn, these ladies were strong.
"Look, I-I don't need to see, 'kay? Just lemme go and drive me to Nobu already so I can get this over and done with!"
"Aww, pleaaase, Danny? After all the hours we spent making you pretty! Just look for a second."
Danny could literally hear Lindsay pouting like a young child. He sighed considerably.
"Okay, fine. But you're the one who owes me a drink now. And dinner."
Lindsay squealed. Danny opened his eyes.
Whoa. WhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA.
Danny stared at the reflection in the mirror with lined, color shadowed eyes.
"Who's that?"
Both Lindsay and Stella rested their chins on his shoulders so they were touching cheeks.
"That, my dear, is Danielle," Stella replied.
"Danielle Montserrat!" Lindsay added too excitedly for his liking.
The stranger staring back at him from the mirror was attired in the lowest-cut, skintight dress he'd ever laid eyes on. The upper part of the dress was designed in such a way that the shoulders were bared, and it plunged at a forty-five degree angle downwards from the arms and over and under the bountiful bosoms. There, the dress was held together by a series of intricate, bronze buckles to the middle of his abdomen. From there, the dress molded to his waist and hips until it ended at the top of his shins. Slits on both sides went all the way up to the middle of the thighs, so his legs weren't so restricted.
Stella had cajoled him into wearing a freaking wonder bra, so the cleavage his DD-sized breasts made were a total eye-lure. The long sleeves of the dress also hid the tattoo on his right arm. Danny thought it was smart to do that, since it was a distinctive feature. He'd wanted to wear his new silver spectacles, but both Lindsay and Stella persisted in getting him to wear his black, frameless glasses instead. That ended up being a positive decision too; his eyes stood out so much more. Well, eye, anyway, since his hair kept draping one of them.
A black crystal choker encircled his neck from beneath his jaw to his collarbones that were more prominent than usual. Four strings of more black crystals hung from the choker at varying lengths. Danny's eyes were mostly enticed to the huge clip-on earrings. Even he had to admit they were something extraordinary; they dangled all the way down to his shoulders, nearly touching them. The focal piece of the earring was a genuine onyx heart set into a frame of jet beads. Hanging under it were an assortment of jet black beads and bronze filigree ornaments.
"Those earrings are mine," Lindsay said in a pleased tone. "My mother gave them to me. Custom-made by a great earring designer called Chipita Eagle."
"They're really exquisite," Danny replied. He could definitely appreciate top quality aesthetics when he saw it. He turned to Stella. "Yer dress and choker's real nice too. Ya really dress wild when ya wanna, huh?"
Stella laughed. "I never realized how long your eyelashes were until I put mascara on them." Stella's voice was tinged with amusement.
Danny's eyes trailed to his facial features in the mirror. Whoa, he also had to say, Stella did a fine job. He couldn't recognize the person in the mirror at all. It was as if he was looking through a portal to a twilight zone where he really was a woman and was called Danielle. And was fucking hot. The shiny, dark violet and brown eye shadows, not to mention the mascara plus eyeliner work, made his blue eyes sparkle as much as the crystals around his neck. What the heck did Stella do to make his lips look so vivid red and plump?
"I think my eyelashes grew a lot longer thanks to the … nanotechnology too. Among other things. Hope the mascara doesn't dry them out." Danny shot an appalled look at Lindsay. "And what the hell kinda name is Danielle Montserrat?"
Lindsay giggled. "The name of a Hollywood actress!"
Danny closed his eyes and groaned loudly. "Awww, you gotta be kiddin' me!"
"Well, you do need to have a background to suit your Danielle personality," Stella said. "What are you going to tell Hillborne when he asks about you?"
Damn, he didn't think of that. "Okay, fiiiiine. We'll go with -" - Danny grimaced - "Danielle Montserrat, the Hollywood actress."
"The Hollywood actress who's trying to make it in the business."
"Heeeey, what's that mean? I think I can do pretty good as a Hollywood actress!"
Lindsay giggled some more at his answer to her comment.
"You've got the look down pat, so yeah, I do think you'll pull off that role easily." Stella became solemn. "What did you mean by the nanotechnology changing your eyelashes too?"
Danny shrugged. It made his earrings waggle and tinkle with tiny, clinking noises. "Think my body's still changing since the explosion. I mean …" He lifted his arms for their view. "Look a' them, they're half of what they used to be. And have ya taken a good look at my waist and hips? I swear my hips have grown by a couple a' inches. I swear even my neck's become narrower."
"So, you're still changing?" Lindsay was frowning slightly.
Danny shrugged again. "I guess so … maybe it's stopped, 'cos my hair's stopped growin' so fast. That's why I finally decided to trim it some." He suddenly reared up. "Well, I sure hope it's stopped, 'cos I don't wanna be losing my family jewels, if ya get my meanin'."
"If worse comes to worse, you could always join the ranks of RuPaul and that Amanda Lapore and make it big as the hottest transsexual in town." Stella grinned roguishly.
Danny made a disgusted face and slapped his hands over his heart in a mock gesture of hurt. "Oh, I'm so touched ya think I'm a hot transsexual. Not."
"Think we should test the mike again?" Lindsay asked.
She stretched out a hand to one of the buckles on his tummy. It concealed a minuscule microphone that was wirelessly connected to a receiver and some earphones in the living room with Hawkes. The poor guy had been stuck there watching television for over an hour since he got off work and came over. The women wouldn't let the Doc see him at all. Danny had the hunch Lindsay'd been trying to cop a feel since the whole makeover session began. It made him smile like an imp.
There was a hesitant knock on the bedroom door. It opened to show Hawkes in a white t-shirt, beige jacket and faded jeans. Geez, that guy looked good in anything.
"Don't worry, the mike works just fine."
Stella smirked and mock glared at Hawkes. "You've been spying on us all this time, haven't you?"
Hawkes merely grinned. Then his gaze landed on Danny. His brown eyes widened to the size of saucers.
"Hey, Doc." Danny waved at him and gave him his winning smile.
Hawkes stared with an open mouth somewhere below his neck for a few minutes before he snapped out of his trance and blushed crimson. He brought a fist to his mouth and had a sudden violent bout of coughing.
"Uhm, I, uh … I'll go start the car. It's nearly eight o'clock. We gotta go soon." Hawkes closed the door with a bang. Trampling footsteps was heard heading away from the bedroom towards the living room. They stopped for a moment, then continued further on to the apartment door and faded away with the slam of the door.
Stella and Lindsay squealed ecstatically and twiddled fingers together in some odd female-bonding custom. "Suuucceeeeeeeeeeeeess!"
Danny groaned out loud a second time. "'Cuse me, I'm here, ya know. I'm not just some experiment or a walking pair a' boobs, ya know."
The two women laughed elatedly and hugged him from both sides. Stella warmly stroked his head in a motherly way.
"Welcome to the world of women, sweetie."
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"I dunno if I can do this." Danny began to get butterflies in his stomach halfway through their car ride to the Nobu restaurant on Hudson street in Tribeca.
"Danny, you're going to be okay." He could always count on Stella to calm him down. Something about her sternness cowed his histrionics. He stared out the window and huffed, impatient for the traffic light to turn green so they could get a move on.
One of Danny's high-heeled feet tapped erratically against the floor mat. Gyah, how did women stand wearing these kinds of shoes for hours? He recalled seeing a photograph of Hollywood actress Sarah Jessica Parker's feet once in one of those fashion or female gossip magazines. She'd claimed her feet became so veiny due to wearing too many high heels and tight, fancy shoes. Man, the things women would do to get some attraction. He glanced down at himself.
Well, he wasn't one to talk.
He looked over at Lindsay, who was sitting in the back with him in Hawkes' 2006 Dodge Charger. Danny was flummoxed by his co-workers' fantastic rides. As far as he knew, the red, sleek car he was in right now cost at least thirty-two thousand dollars. Was there some underground organization he didn't know about where CSI members got to own dream rides even on the pay they had? Wow, somebody sign him up quick.
His red lips curved into his patented sideways smirk. Lindsay was ogling him without even realizing it.
"Hey, Montana. Take a picture. It'll last longer."
Lindsay gazed blankly at him, then got out her mobile phone and captured a picture of him with the built-in camera before he could squeak out a single word. The flash lit the dim interiors of the car for a moment.
She smiled wickedly at him. "Okay."
"Y-y-you …" Danny was too shocked to react.
"Lindsay, bluetooth it to me." Stella, in the passenger seat in front of him, had her mobile phone out and in hand.
"Uhm, in the interest of promoting team cohesion at a troubling time like this, I suggest that the picture be sent to all of us." Hawkes, in the driver's seat with hands on the steering wheel, deliberately kept his face out of sight from the passengers in the back. "For moral support and encouragement, of course."
"Sure thing, Hawkes!" Lindsay was way too cheerful.
"Doc, I love you, but don't make me go up there and bust yer friggin' onions."
Hawkes snickered and peeped back. His pearly teeth gleamed in the city lights all around them. "Sorry, Danny. But you really do look lovely tonight."
"Got it!" Stella giggled at the picture now in her phone.
A beeping sound indicated Hawkes' phone had received its inimitable attachment too.
Danny slumped where he sat and whined. "What is this, Gang-Up-On-Danny Night?"
"Every night's Gang-Up-On-Danny Night," Stella joked.
Danny only groaned. Damnit, the traffic light was taking forever to switch colors.
Another car drove up beside Hawkes' Charger. The pumped up, deafening music was causing even Hawkes' car to vibrate with the beat. It was obviously a home modified car; the supplementary spoiler in the back as well as the tasteless stickers pasted all over the car were dreadful aesthetic decisions. It was also obvious the owner of the car and his friends were just as offensive.
A young gangsta wannabe in the back clashed eyes with Danny. Instantly, the guy's two friends clambered to his side to eyeball what they evidently thought was one hot chick out on a Friday night. They quickly rolled down the window to holler their insipid opinions.
"Wooo, babe! You is smoooookin', hot mama!" The three idiots, and now including the driver of the vehicle, commenced wolf whistling and acting out dirty deeds with their tongues at Danny. Danny pointedly ignored them as long as half a minute. When they started making awful grunting noises, he had enough.
He rolled down his window, shoved both his third fingers at them and bellowed, "Up yours, DICKWADS!"
They lurched backwards in fright at the unpredicted intensity of Danny's vociferous retort. Studying them more closely, Danny thought they couldn't have been more than eighteen years old. Didn't mean he couldn't bust them up for being pricks. One of them, wearing a multi-colored bandanna, recovered from his scare and climbed back to his car's open passenger window.
"O-o-oh yeah! W-wait till you taste my giant dick, ya whore!" Tsktsk, what filthy mouths kids have these days.
Danny bared his teeth at the guy, displaying his fangs. "Yeah? Well, I got a bigger dick than you do, little boy. Wanna see it?"
The bandanna guy blanched, mouth agape.
"Why don'tcha let a real man show ya what a big dick is, ah? I'm make sure ya don't walk for a fuckin' WEEK." Danny snarled, looking like a tiger about to maul its prey.
Bandanna boy speedily rolled up his window and frantically slapped at the driver's head. "G-g-get us the hell outta here, MAN!"
The traffic light turned green.
Hawkes stepped down on the gas. The red Dodge Charger ditched the other car with a wake of screeching wheels and a roaring engine.
"You. Rock."
Danny grinned at Lindsay as he rolled the window back up. Stella was laughing her head off while Hawkes' lower face was scrunched in an extreme effort not to.
"Danny. Danny." Stella wiped tears from her eyes. "Why don't you just join the dark side and be one of us females, huh?"
"I dunno, Stella. I kinda like havin' options at this point, know what I'm sayin'?"
Hawkes finally gave up and broke into a snigger, joining Stella in a chorus. Danny was secretly thrilled to see Stella and Hawkes laughing so openly. It felt even better than putting those vulgar boys in their place.
Danny's grin weakened.
The only thing missing was Flack joining in on the hilarity.
"Have you guys seen Flack?" Danny asked.
"Sorry, nope, I was at the lab the whole day. Didn't see him there," Hawkes replied. Stella shook her head in answer. Lindsay gave a negative as well.
"Don't worry about him. He can take care of himself," Stella adjoined.
Danny brooded.
After a few minutes of silence, Hawkes smoothly swerved the car into an empty parking space near the restaurant. It was closer to park there than in the parking lot behind the restaurant. Stella wanted to be certain the connection between the mike and earphones were optimum as possible.
"We're lucky we came early. Looks like there's some celebrity who'll be dining at Nobu tonight too." Hawkes leaned forward on the steering wheel, inspecting the environment in front of the car inquisitively.
The highly-rated Japanese restaurant was just a few cars down the block. A crowd had gathered at the entrance, contained from totally mobbing the area by velvet ropes tied to metal stands. A red carpet was laid from the pavement till the closed front doors of the restaurant. There were even white candles and lily flowers lined along the carpet. Whoever the celebrity was, it had to be somebody pretty famous.
"This could play in our favor. People'll be too distracted by whoever it is to pay attention to you and Hillborne," Stella said to Danny.
Danny remained silent. The butterflies were causing a ruckus in his stomach again. He hated being the center of attention, especially if it was a bad situation. And this couldn't be any worse. He hoped to God there wasn't anyone in the mass of people who knew him.
"It's eight o'clock, Danny. You okay?" Lindsay squeezed his hand and smiled reassuringly.
Danny sucked in a breath. Well, it was now or never.
"Yeah." He directed a wobbly smile at the others. "If things get nasty, you'll come get me out, right?"
Stella cracked her knuckles. "I'll beat the shit of the idiot myself."
I love ya, Stella, Danny thought to himself.
"Wish me luck." He opened the passenger door and tentatively maneuvered himself out of the vehicle. He could feel his friends' eyes on him as he headed for the teeming entrance of Nobu. He grinned to himself, steps springy with some newfound confidence.
Tonight, Danny Messer was going to give an Oscar-worthy performance of a lifetime.
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Hawkes, Lindsay and Stella held their breaths, quietly observing Danny saunter down the pavement towards the restaurant, little evening handbag in hand. This was the craziest thing they'd ever done. Seeing how nervous Danny was, Stella didn't dare to mention the possibility that Chief Hillborne might recognize him now that they were meeting in very different circumstances.
Stella nibbled on her lower lip. She hoped her choice of dress was going to help Danny. Hopefully, the other guy was going to be too busy staring at Danny's chest to notice the familiarity of his face. Stella was, however, doubtful Hillborne would identify Danny as who he really was.
After all … how many guys grew such amazing DD-cup breasts and appeared prettier than most women in less than two weeks?
A sudden, vigorous rapping on her window surprised her, as well as the other two occupants of the car. Stella smiled widely at the sight of Flack bending downwards to look at them from outside.
"Hey, lemme in, will ya?"
Hawkes unlocked the doors, and Flack agilely climbed in, instantaneously picking up a pair of ear phones and sticking them in his ears.
"Where've you been?" Stella inquired the young detective.
"Been busy." Stella was inwardly concerned with the abrupt reply until she swiveled back and saw the slight smile on Flack's lips. Okay, whatever he was up to couldn't have been bad.
"When he did go in?"
"Just a few minutes ago. You just missed him," Hawkes replied to Flack's question.
"Nice of you to join us," Lindsay said.
"Yeah, had things to do, ya know. Drank too much at some bar last night, but it was a good thing Gertrude was nice enough to stop me from overdoing it." Flack looked meaningfully at her.
Lindsay's eyes widened. Yeah, they were certainly going to have a talk real soon.
Stella had also put on a pair of ear phones. She positioned the receiver between the front seats.
"Heads up, guys. The date begins."