It wasn't until the next day that Neji knocked on the door of Kakashi's apartment and asked to speak with Shanan about Shikamaru privately.
"Shikamaru is waiting by your apartment and wanted to talk to you about why he left yesterday, if you'd like," he told her.
"Yes. I would, but I don't remember exactly how to get there. I only got snippets from all of you."
"That's fine, I'm happy to escort you," he said as he held his arm out.
Shanan opened the door to let Kakashi know that she'd be back soon and then left with Neji.
When she got to her apartment it definitely looked very familiar. She almost started feeling homesick for it as she unlocked the door.
"I'll catch up with you later, Shikamaru. Good luck," he said as he nodded before turning to Shanan. "Hopefully we can spend some time together soon, it has been awhile."
Shanan leaned in and hugged him tight. She was happy to remember him as he was always very sweet and such a good friend.
Her and Shikamaru went into her apartment and sat on the floor next to the bed.
Shanan felt a little awkward because she still didn't know him, but he seemed to have something really important to tell her.
"Um… I don't know where to start…" he said tentatively.
"I get it. I know it's hard to let someone see your memories. But I can tell we were good friends," she said innocently as she smiled at him.
Shikamaru looked at her through pained eyes as tears started welling up. "Good friends…?"
"I'm sorry. I said something wrong," she said worriedly.
He couldn't help it. He completely broke down as tears started pouring down his face. He tried to keep his head down so that she wouldn't see.
She didn't know what to do or say. Kakashi had told her that they were friends, but she didn't understand what could've happened between the two of them to make him look so anguished right now.
She moved closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder and he reached up to put his hand on hers as he continued to cry uncontrollably.
"You were finally mine," he said between sobs. "I just don't understand... We just saw each other that day..."
"I was… yours? Oh…" Shanan finally realized what had upset him so much. "So…" she said as she looked down.
Shikamaru took a few deep breaths and stopped crying so hard for a moment. "You don't have to look if you don't want to. But the thought of you not remembering me... Or us…" He hated the thought of it. He wanted her to remember every detail of every kiss they'd shared. Every time he touched her. He wanted her to remember every single time he just couldn't say no to her and how much power she had over him. "You don't have to look," he whispered through tears.
Shanan thought for a minute as she looked at him sympathetically. The memories were really important to him and were probably really important to her too, even though the thought of knowing their past scared her a little. "I shouldn't turn down memories," she decided. "I have two lives, I should remember both of them."
Shikamaru had a steady flow of tears streaming down his face as she sat in front of him on her knees.
"Are you ready?" she asked him.
He nodded gently as he looked into her eyes.
Black.
She had been his. His first kiss. His first time. His first… love.
And he had been hers. Completely. She… she loved him too. They hadn't said it yet. But oh, she felt it. Their chemistry had always been amazing and she loved everything about him inside and out.
They had been such good friends at first. She admired his maturity and his intelligence. She found herself just wanting to be around him, so they started hanging out more. And then they got drunk alone and made out once and he stopped her from touching him as much as she'd really wanted to. Convinced she didn't truly want him. And she thought maybe he had been right. But he wasn't. She thought about him constantly.
For a while she thought it was just her loneliness driving her to want him. But it was all him.
So she tried again and he stopped stopping her when he realized that she did want him as much as he wanted her.
She saw how he remembered so clearly when she came onto him sober for the first time. He was in her bathroom brushing his teeth and she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his torso. He reached his free hand up to hold her hand as he finished up and then turned around and they started kissing, so passionately.
"We're not even drunk, are you sure you wanna mess around?" he had asked.
All she did was nod eagerly as she pulled him on top of her.
She saw that. She saw all the times they made-out while they were drunk. She saw all of the times they snuck away from work to mess around. She saw their almost first time and then their actual first time when she told him she was already his. They were both so happy that night. Just a couple of months ago.
She saw that he was one of the most level headed people she knew, so seeing him cry was very rare. They both meant so much to each other.
She blinked as she shifted her eyes to look at him.
His whole face was shaking now as tears continued to run down his face.
Her face started shaking too as all of her warm and romantic feelings for him came rushing back to her. She covered her mouth and then reached out and put her hands on both sides of his face as they both cried.
"I really love you," she said shakily. "I'm so sorry."
He pulled her close to him and leaned his forehead against hers.
"I really love you too," he whispered. "I've missed you so much."
"I'm so sorry, Shikamaru." She wrapped her arms around his neck and they squeezed each other tight as they continued to sob into one another.
He was the first to pull away as he looked into her eyes. "Come here," he whispered.
She smiled at him and leaned in and kissed him. She never wanted to forget him again and he clearly never wanted to be forgotten. Everything he felt for her flowed from his lips and into hers and warmed her whole body.
They sat there kissing for what felt like the rest of time, but it was just a few minutes before they stopped to look at eachother again. But then she was suddenly overcome with guilt and confusion as tears started pouring down her face.
"I… I don't know what to do," she admitted through her tears.
He pulled her into his chest. "I know…" he said softly as he closed his eyes to think.
He continued to think as he held her, and breathed her in deep. Commiting the scent of her hair to his memory. The exact way that she felt when his arms were around her. Where her head always rested on him.
He reached his hand up to trace along her jaw so that he could always remember the shape of her face. And then through her hair so that he could remember how long and soft it always was. And then up her arm, over her shoulder and down her side. He never wanted to forget how she was all his for a brief period of time.
He wanted to remember and he wanted her to remember.
He let go of her so that she could sit up to look at him as he smiled softly at her.
She took everything about him in, as much as she could. She had always thought he was really handsome. She reached her hand up to touch his face and he grabbed it and kissed her palm and continued to hold onto her hand, not letting her move it any closer.
"We shouldn't do this," he whispered reluctantly as another tear fell down his cheek.
Shanan remembered the first time he had said that to her and how confused she was. She still didn't like for him to say 'no' to her.
"Shikamaru…" she said pathetically, she knew where this was going.
"I still really wanna be your friend." A few more tears fell, but he tried to keep his voice level as he closed his eyes and whispered. "We can forget all about this…" he continued, shaking.
"No..." she said softly as she started shaking again.
"I kinda hope we do," he said quietly as he looked away from her. More tears streaming quietly down his face.
Shanan hated hearing the words as much as he hated saying them. But she didn't have a solution either. She loved him very much and she loved Kakashi very much. Neither of them deserved to feel any pain ever, but she couldn't be with both of them.
Shikamaru knew that while Shanan still loved him very much, she had made a commitment to Kakashi in the Kaitei. They'd had children. She had lived a whole other life and he could never make her choose.
They sat and cried together for a little bit longer.
And then he walked her home and they both cried silently the whole way as they gripped each other's hands tightly.
When they got to Kakashi's door he pulled her in for one last embrace and kissed her so deeply as one last goodbye and he didn't care if Kakashi opened the door and saw them. Not right now. He was letting go of the last piece of her that belonged to him.
He finally pulled away and stood in front of her for just a moment longer with his hands in his pockets. Looking down at her wistfully. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he had to. He knew that this was it.
"I love you," he whispered before turning and walking away calmly so that she wouldn't see him cry again.
She buried her face in her hands as she started sobbing again. "I love you, too…" she said after him quietly, hoping he could still hear her.
He felt bad for making her remember, but he hoped that she'd always look back on their memories together as fondly as he would.