To DD or Not to DD
Fandom: CSI:NY
Author: Kimmychu
Rating: FRM (it may go up later)
Pairing: Danny/Flack, Danny/Mac
Content Warning: Cracktasticness, odd body changes, language. Did I mention cracktasticness?
Spoilers: Set after 'Necrophilia Americana', so spoilers for any episode previous to that
Summary: After a freak laboratory accident at CSI headquarters, Danny is cursed (or blessed, depending on how you see things) with very unusual ¼ add-ons. Inspired by a forum comment: "Danny is the show's DD breasts."
Disclaimer: Nope, none of the characters belong to me. What a shame. I would treat them oh so well. They have no idea what they're missing.
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Author's Notes: Like, whoa. This is now, by far, the longest chapter in the entire story and probably will be till the end. Think of it as a special one for you all. The Nobu interiors were based on official descriptions I found online. The food ordered are also official dishes available on the Nobu menu. And please to not be drinking or eating anything while reading this one. I mean it!
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Chapter 21
Flack tapped a staccato rhythm with his feet, munching on potato chips from the bag of chips in his grasp.
"Flack, quit it," Stella said not unkindly.
"Sorry." His feet stopped their movement. His free hand started drumming on his thigh instead.
Lindsay rummaged for some chips in the bag, smiling at his hyperactivity. Flack was changing more and more into Messer by the day. She wasn't very sure whether that was a good thing or not. Could the universe really handle a second Danny without exploding into a second Big Bang?
"How'd you know we'd be here at this time anyway?"
"Thank the Doc. He called me up," Flack replied Stella.
Hawkes shrugged. Without warning, Stella pivoted to face Flack in the back seat.
"You didn't tell Mac about this, did you?"
Flack made an extreme sardonic face. "Yeah, Stella, I sure did. In fact, I even told him that I wanted to have his babies and live together in a nice, little house with a white picket fence 'round it. Oh, and a doggie for each of us too!"
Hawkes hid his face in his arms on the steering wheel. Lindsay laughed.
Stella rolled her eyes, but smirked anyway. "Okay, I did not need that imagery."
Flack's back straightened like a rod in offense. "What? Ya think I'd be dumb enough to go talkin' ta Mac 'bout Danny goin' on a freakin' date with Hillborne! He'd probably kill us." Flack made another face. "He's probably fuckin' pissed off with me anyway. Like I'd be stupid 'nough to go lookin' fer him after what happened."
He glowered at Lindsay who was still giggling. "And I'll have you know there're people out there who want my babies and to live with me."
"Yeah, but you better hope it's not Mac." Lindsay laughed some more at the peculiar imagery of Mac and Flack as a domestic couple living in a house with two dogs. Mac would garrote the guy with a piano wire within hours.
Flack stuck his tongue out and gagged in a mock vomiting action. "Hey, the guy's fine and all, but he is not boyfriend material."
"Not to you anyway," Stella murmured to herself with a soft smile.
"Uh … guys?" Hawkes was gawking at the scene in front of them. "Is that … Al Pacino?"
Flack and Lindsay scrambled fast into the space between the front seats, squeezing their faces together in a haste to see the infamous actor with their own eyes. Sure enough, the man, dressed in an Armani custom suit that most likely cost in the thousands, had gotten out of a black limousine and waved at the boisterous gathering of people around him. The actor also had very stylish shades on. It was quite surreal to see the man who played the notorious role of Scarface in person, even if he was bordered by two very beefy bodyguards in suits who barred him from view most of the time.
Flack looked a little distance away from the chaos of camera bursts and wailing fans.
And saw Danny striding straight in the direction of the actor, head ducked and wholly oblivious to where he was going. Through the earphones, Flack could hear his friend muttering fretfully under his breath.
Flack grimaced in advance for the oncoming catastrophe.
"Danny, look up, look up!"
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The fanatical screaming coming from the people around the entrance of the restaurant was really irritating Danny. The racket was transforming the butterflies in his stomach into stampeding elephants. He bowed his head and put one hand against his ear nearest to the crowd, squinting his eyes. The blinding flashes of light was giving him a mean headache too.
He began walking faster, the heels of his shoes clicking on the pavement. He didn't want to chew over how he could walk so well in high heels when these were the first pair he'd ever worn in his life. The quicker he got into the restaurant and coaxed the address of that nanotechnologist's hideout out of Hillborne, the better.
The head-on collision with a brawny chest joggled him out of his thoughts with a yelp.
"Hey, watch it, babe."
Danny glanced up. He was inches away from the mug of one ugly Godzilla-man of a security goon. The giant seized him by his arm and got down to propelling him back past the velvet ropes into the horde of people.
"Wait. Let her through."
The bodyguard grunted and manhandled Danny onto the red carpet. Danny glared at him, then at the other man who instructed the goon.
Holy shit.
"Hi, sweetheart. Dining at Nobu as well?"
Danny's eyes widened until the whites of his eyes were visible around his irises.
Al Pacino. The Al Pacino. Was making. A PASS at HIM.
"Y-yes …" Danny gulped. "I-I have a-a date. He's w-waitin' inside, I think."
"What a shame." Mr. Pacino raised one arm, smiling at him. "Tell ya something, sweetheart, a man who doesn't bother to accompany his woman before the date even starts ain't worth it. How about I escort you in?" The actor winked at him.
Still shell-shocked, Danny linked one of his arms with the man's, obscuring his face from the cameras now aimed at them both. Oh crap, if any of those pictures showed his face and got published in newspapers or magazines, there was no telling how much hassle he was going to be stuck in.
But then again, it wasn't everyday that the eminent Al Pacino volunteered to personally lead you into a star-studded spot of fine dining.
"T-thank you." Danny kept one hand covering his nose and mouth.
Mr. Pacino chuckled in amusement at that. "You're a shy thing, aren't you?"
With the two gargantuan bodyguards behind them, they strolled down the red carpet to the grand entry doors of Nobu. As mortifying as it was, Danny also felt like leaping onto the center of the carpet and grinning like a loon while posing for all the cameras and having people shriek about him. Take that, ex-girlfriends who thought he wasn't good enough! Hah!
He couldn't help exhaling in intense relief the second they were in the sanctuary of the restaurant. Okay, celebrities who claimed their lives were difficult had a point. He speculated whether they invested in durable ear plugs and long-lasting sunglasses.
"Hey, sweetie, if your date doesn't turn out good, feel free to come to my table. See you later." Al Pacino winked at him one last time, picked up one of his hands to kiss it and ambled off to his own reserved table with his security goons.
Oh wow. He was never going to wash his left hand ever again.
"Danielle!"
Oh. Hillborne was there already.
"You look wonderful!" Hillborne wore a dark grey suit with a dark red tie embroided in gold. An Omega watch enclosed one of his wrists. His black dress shoes looked pricey too. As much as Danny disliked the guy, he had to confess the IAB chief had grand tastes. "I hope your journey here was okay? You didn't tell me where you lived, so I couldn't pick you up."
Alright, Danny. Time to be an Oscar-winner actor. Or actress, as his female persona was intended to be. Think ditzy, slutty blonde bimbo.
Danny giggled in a shrill tone. "Oh, it's ooookay, Neviiille. Like, I didn't tell you anyway." He giggled again. Ah geez, the guys were probably laughing their asses off in the car right now. He was immensely grateful Flack wasn't there to listen in.
Hillborne took his right hand and led him inside to a table in the middle of the restaurant's main dining area. Danny was still so astounded by the Al Pacino kiss he had no time to be squicked by Hillborne holding his hand that way. Great, the guy just had to choose the most attention-seeking position in the whole place.
If Danny recalled correctly, Nobu was designed by an architect called David Rockwell. The structural motif of the place brought to mind the picturesque scenes of Japan's countryside. The walls were heavily textured and compelled Danny to stroke one hand across a short length of one wall. One of the walls was created largely from natural river stones; one could almost sense cool river water flowing over them. The floors were smooth, veneered wood.
"How do you find the restaurant?" Hillborne asked as they sat down at their table.
"It's really pretty."
"That it is. Just like you." Hillborne grinned at him.
Danny groaned inwardly. That was seriously corny. Well, he could give the guy a break this one time. He already pitied the man just for having a dorky name like Neville.
A young waiter approached them and passed them the menus. Danny tolerated the man's sneaky staring for ten seconds and then glowered at the guy. The waiter cleared his throat and inquired if they needed a few minutes to decide on their meals.
Danny cut in before Hillborne could say anything in reply.
"I'd like to order now!" Whoa, he never realized his voice could go that high. "I'll have the - the -"
He poked a finger randomly at the dishes on the menu. "Oooh, two sweet black cod marinated in miso, two squid pasta, three helpings of rock shrimp tempura, seven yellowtail sashimi with jalapeno, two sashimi salads, two creamy spicy crabs, four salmon egg sashimi, four live scallop sashimi andandand -"
Hillborne's visage was becoming more and more green with each order. The waiter's bushy eyebrows shot straight up to his hairline.
"Oooohhh, three miso rock cod in lettuce wraps! And two bento boxes of chocolate soufflé cake. One for me and one for him. And lots and lots and lots of yer best sake!" Danny grinned with all his teeth at Hillborne and the waiter. He probably appeared like a frightening, mentally unstable, if sexy, lady. Hell yeah, if the IAB chief was going to treat him to dinner, he was gonna suck him dry. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Both men stared disbelievingly at Danny. Hillborne's lower jaw was nearly touching the floor.
"Are - are you sure you want all of that?" the waiter asked doubtfully.
"I'm a biiiiiig girl. I gotta, like, eat a lot, ya know?" Danny giggled, hiding his mouth behind a hand. Then he deliberately tugged at the dress over his enormous boobs.
Both pairs of eyes were immediately attracted to his hands. Or rather, the mounds beneath them.
Hillborne coughed, then smiled weirdly. Aww, what a sport. "Uhm, right. Riiight, I'll have a … a, uh, sea urchin tempura!"
The waiter scribbled down their orders. "Very well, sir, ma'am. Thank you."
The man took their menus and left, but not before ogling Danny's chest another time. The first ten times he got ogled, he thought it was kinda hot. Now, it merely incensed Danny. They were just fat, for crying out loud. Danny and Hillborne were quiet for some time before the head of IAB spoke up.
"I-I didn't think you had such a great appetite, Danielle." Hillborne was trying to hold his hand.
"Ohhh, I just have, like, a reaaaaaally high metabolism, that's all." Danny flailed his hands so the other guy couldn't grab either. "I can eat like a horse." Ouch, talking in such a high-pitched voice was starting to hurt his voice box.
"So, tell me more about yourself." Hillborne smiled at him again. The chief looked really pervy when he did so.
"Uhm, weeeell." Danny grinned, twisted his hands together and leaned his head sideways at a forty-five degree angle. He hoped it was an endearing, saccharine pose. "I'm an actreeeesss."
"Wow, really!" Dumbass was probably hopping around in energetic joy inside at the remark. "So what screen name do you use?"
"Danielle …" Danny flung his arms wide and nearly knocked over a waitress carrying a tray of hot miso soup. "Danielle Montserraaaat!"
His zealous action drew the attention of some of the other diners around them. Danny blinked when one of them glanced over and winked meaningfully at him with a big grin on his face. Hold on a sec, wasn't that guy one of those popular rappers in the industry? Some black guy called Fifty Cent?
"Danielle Montserrat. That really is a gorgeous name." Hillborne scrutinized him for a few moments. Then, the man frowned.
"Hey. I know you."
Danny's grin freezed on his face.
"Yeah, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before." Hillborne scratched at his cheek, brows low in concentration. "Where was it? Hmmm …"
Danny felt like puking all over the table eventhough he hadn't eaten a thing. If Hillborne recognized him now …
Danny paled under his makeup. He started fidgeting uncontrollably with his dress and bronze buckles, grin still frozen in place.
Hillborne snapped his fingers. "I got it!"
OhGodohGodohGodpleasepleaseplease -
"You're that hot female lead from that Italian television soap operaaaaa!"
Danny was so euphoric at Hillborne's mistake he squealed. Like a girl.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss! That's, like, SO RIGHT." Danny clapped his hands fiercely. Oh hell, he was worse than a girl.
Hillborne looked very proud of himself. "Well, I like to watch foreign television shows and movies time and again. I didn't get to watch your soap a lot, but I thought you were fantastic." Hillborne finally managed to grip his right hand.
Eeweeweeweeweeweewwww, he was so going to get Hawkes to wash that hand with industrial bleach as soon as it was all over. Not the left one though.
"Do you mind saying a few lines from the show? I've always loved the Italian language."
Uh oh.
"Uh, I, uhm …" Think, Danny, think! "I don't speak Italian outside of filmin'!"
"Huh? Really?"
"Yeeeeesss, it, uh, it helps to keep my personality apart from my television character's personality, seee?"
Hillborne made an approving face. "Hmm, that makes sense."
Pheeeew.
At that instant, the same waiter who served them earlier, plus another waitress, brought their food to the table. They also poured some green ocha and sake for both of them. The surface of their table ended up crammed to the max. The variety of dishes looked mouth-wateringly scrumptious, especially the rock shrimp tempura and creamy spicy crabs. Danny licked his lips a few times, eyes lustrous. The elephants in his tummy had been eaten by tigers, and those tigers were demanding for more food.
"Danie-"
Danny unashamedly plucked some of the tempura with his fingers, dunked it in the dark sauce and stuffed it all into his mouth, chomping noisily with his mouth open. Then he plucked up the live scallop sashimi, dunked those in some wasabi and soy sauce, and threw those into his yawning mouth too. He licked at his fingers and pretty much behaved like an uncouth hillbilly. For what Hillborne did to Flack, Danny was gonna make sure the guy got as much embarrassment as possible.
Unfortunately for the CSI, it wasn't working at all.
Hillborne was smiling at him. "You've got some tempura on your cheek." The IAB chief reached out and gently wiped it away with his forefinger. Then Hillborne picked another shrimp tempura, steeped it into the sauce too and held it before his lips.
"Open wiiiiiiiiiiiide."
Danny's expression was stuck between a fake smile and a tortured grimace.
Somebody heeeeeeeelp meeeeee, his mind yowled.
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Back in Hawkes' Dodge Charger, the quartet of detectives were listening with keen ears to the whole conversation between Hillborne and Danny. Or to be more precise, Danielle. Flack was sharing one earpiece with Lindsay, while Stella shared one with Hawkes.
The bag of potato chips in Flack's hand had exploded under the force of Flack's crushing fist when all four of them beheld the Al Pacino interlacing his arm with Danny's. All of them were so amazed at the sight, Hawkes didn't even complain about the chips flying everywhere. The chances of seeing a friend, who'd transformed from a man into a partial woman, getting hit on by one of the world's finest thespians was … one in a trillion.
Flack growled under his breath. Wonderful, another Hollywood hotshot to add to his blacklist of people expressing their interests in Danny. He'd rather be shot a hundred times before any of those people on the list got to the in bit.
Stella had said, "I'm. So. Envious. Of. Him."
Flack was feeling the sentiment, though not of the same person as Stella did. He wished he was the one who got to lead Danny down that red carpet instead. Flack got even more exasperated when he heard Mr. Pacino plant a kiss on Danny's hand via the earphone. At least, he thought it was on Danny's hand. Flack growled again.
Danny's dialogue with Hillborne was … surreal. Flack would have assumed he was listening to a real Italian woman with an eccentric accent and awfully shrill voice if it wasn't for the IAB chief calling Danny Danielle all the time. He'd laughed out loud along with the others at Danny's excessive food order. That crazy rodent. Danny had been inaccurate about being able to eat like a horse. Danny was more like a cute hamster. All adorable and harmless-looking, but once you put a heaping plate of hot food right there, goooooodbye chowchow.
Lindsay had one hand across her mouth, leaning her head against the back of Hawkes' seat. She was finally breathing properly again after her asphyxiating fit of mirth at Hillborne's declaration of Danny being a lead female star on a soap opera as well as Danny's hysterical response. The irony was, Flack could totally see Danny being one. If he was a woman, of course.
"Oh geez, Hillborne's hand feeding him." Stella snorted.
"That was one close shave. I dunno what we'd do if the guy really did identify him." Hawkes was collecting stray potato chips and chucking them back into the potato chip bag. Flack assisted him in doing it. It was his blunder it got everywhere anyway.
Through the earphones, they were required to listen to over a half hour of Hillborne feeding Danny and asking their friend more questions about his past as Danielle Montserrat the actress. Obviously not of the Hollywood variety anymore since he was now a foreign Italian one. Flack was, however, slightly confused why a foreign Italian actress would speak like a Beverly Hills bimbo. Guess Danielle was a unique one.
Then Danny made a comment that perked Flack up quicker than a hefty dose of caffeine.
"You, like, work for the police, right? I know an amaaaaaaazin', handsome detective called Don Flack, Jr."
Ohh, Flack was all ears now.
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"Don Flack? Oh, I know him, alright-"
Danny squealed at the top of his voice before Hillborne could continue. "Oooooohhh, he's WONDERFUL. So ATTRACTIVE. So NOBLE." He squealed again, clapping his hands. Flack was going to owe him big time for this.
A large part of his brain whispered that this was, at last, his opportunity to tell somebody how he truly felt about the homicide detective. Even if it was to Hillborne, of all people. His co-workers would never know it was the truth and believe it was simply part of the act.
Danny slapped his hands together and pressed them against his cheek in a lovesick pose. He sighed dramatically, eyelashes aflutter. "He's mind-blowin', moves like a dancer. He wears the best suits, like, ever. He's the sweetest man in the world. With the most beautiful eyes in the universe."
He smiled warmly. "One time, when I had to stand outside in the rain, he gave me his jacket eventhough he ended up wet. He brings me out all the time to all the places I love, because he knows I like 'em. He tolerates me when I become all bratty. He even puts up with it when I want to watch artsy movies he hates, because he … he-" Danny's eyes opened, and his pressed hands slipped from his cheek.
Because he loves me, his mind concluded in an exultant tone.
Hillborne wasn't looking so cheerful now. "You and Don Flack, Jr. were … dating once?"
Danny smiled wistfully. To the IAB chief, he was merely a female foreign actress with DD-cup breasts with whom he wanted to get lucky. To Flack … Danny was beginning to comprehend he was so much more to his best friend than he ever presumed.
"No. We're … good friends." But it could be more, if only you weren't afraid, a voice in his heart said.
"He's not the nice guy you think he is, Danielle. I had to suspend him because he attacked a wom-"
"YOU WHAT?" Hillborne blanched visibly at his furious, piercing rejoinder. "YOU SUSPENDED A WONDERFUL POLICE MAN LIKE DONNY! HE WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!"
The entire restaurant hushed at Danny's scream. Everyone's eyes trained on the two of them, including Al Pacino's and Fifty Cent's. The rapper had one eyebrow raised in bewilderment.
"How dare you! Donny would never do anythin' like that!" Danny bared his teeth, eyes narrowed. "The ONLY reason he would ever attack a woman if she's a horrible, murderous BITCH!"
Hillborne was grimacing apologetically at all the other diners and attempting to soothe him with placating hand movements. "Danielle, please-"
"Who is this WOMAN?"
Hillborne threw his hands up in the air. "Uhm, some - some scientist working for the government, that's all. And, okay, I agree. She was a horrible, demanding bitch." Hillborne grasped his wrists in a mollifying manner. "Please don't be upset anymore, okay? You're scaring some of the patrons."
Danny prolonged his vexation, but privately, he was dancing the Macarena. Yes! Work it just a biiiit more, Messer.
"I want a chat with her."
Hillborne sputtered. "Uh, that's … that's not possib-"
"What do you mean that's not possible? Don't you care 'bout me?" Danny pouted, thrusting his lower lip out and blinking his blue eyes rapidly. "Don't you want me to be happy?"
Hillborne sent him a nervous, appeasing smile. "Y-yes, of-of course I want you to be happy, Danielle! It-it's just that her location can't be revealed-"
"Listen, Neville." Danny dropped his voice to his huskiest, sexiest voice. "I have an upcomin' movie where I play the role of a woman who is saved by a hot, strong policeman. Do you know what the final scene is like, Neville?"
Hillborne stared at him with glossy eyes. "What is it?"
Danny leaned forward, giving the IAB chief a first-class view of his cleavage. "The hot, strong policeman and the heroine have lusty, animal sex in the witness protection house."
The perv was practically slobbering from the side of his mouth.
"If you tell me where she is, we can … act out that final scene there, hmm? Don't you want to rub it in good that she's not as pretty or hot as I am, hmmmm?"
Hillborne looked like he'd just hit the ultimate jackpot. And was swimming in it.
"O-o-okay."
Danny grinned, fangs glinting in the restaurant's lighting. Damn, he was good.
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Flack had a stupid, broad grin splitting his face from ear to ear throughout Danny's entire burbling about him. Danny didn't know he was there listening to everything.
Which meant … whatever Danny said about him … had to really come from his true emotions.
He couldn't even give a shit that Lindsay, Hawkes and Stella were gawking at him and his stupefied, idyllic expression.
"Is he still alive or has all the ego gone to his head and imploded it?" Lindsay poked at his chest and said to Stella, "I think he's turned into a drugged-out zombie."
"Whoawhoa, Hillborne's giving the address!" Hawkes jostled around in a panic for a pen and paper. "Hurry, get a pen and paper!"
That jerked Flack out of his stupor. He fumble through his jacket and got out his gold pen and black notebook. He flipped it open just in time to write down the address.
"Oh man. Oh man!"Stella was beaming. "He did it! That little brat actually did it!"She broke into an overjoyed laugh.
Flack sat there with a frown. "So. How are we gonna get him outta there now?"
Stella abruptly stopped laughing. The four of them listened absorbedly to the new sounds filtering through the earphones.
Flack suddenly roared, "SonofaBITCH!", hurled open the passenger door and charged out of the car.
"Flack! FLACK! Get back here!" Stella scrambled out of her seat as well and chased after the running homicide detective.
"Hillborne will recognize you! You'll blow Danny's cover!"
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Danny dodged Hillborne's lips for the third time, grimacing in repulsion as he slapped away the man's roving hands. Fuck, just one glass of sake was enough to turn the dumbass into a maniacal pervert.
"C'mon, Danielle, what's wrong?" Danny felt one of Hillborne's hands at the buckles of his dress. Okay, this was getting too much.
"We're in a public place!" Danny shoved hard at one of Hillborne's shoulders. The guy just bounced back! "Quit it!"
"You're a pretty girl, you should be used to this." Oooh, Danny was gonna kick the guy between the legs a couple of times just for that. He twisted his face away from Hillborne's, barely avoiding the puckered lips aimed for his own.
In the distance, he sensed a huge figure standing up and heading for their table. Oh man, it was that rapper dude, Fifty Cent. Wow, he was about to experience his very first rescue by a celebrity.
"Hillborne."
The IAB chief halted in his movements at the low, venomous tone.
"What the HELL are you doing with my GIRLFRIEND?"
Danny gazed at the newcomer with alarmed eyes and almost died of an immediate heart attack. Hillborne screamed with fright and literally leapt six feet into the air away from Danny onto the floor.
"T-T-T…"
Danny swallowed noticeably.
"M-M-Mac?"