Kara had always wondered why ambrosia was green. Didn't ambrosia imply brown?

"Kara?"

She picked her head up off the table to smile at Helo. "Karl! Where have you been?"

Helo looked her over for a moment. She was sitting by herself at one of the tables in the pilots' break room with a blanket draped around her body. These damn battlestars could get fraking cold so he didn't blame her for bundling in. Her hair was a mess. Pieces were sticking out of her ponytail left and right. He would have found cute if only she didn't have that completely drunk look on her face. "I had to do a few restocking runs."

"Come 'ere." Kara's hands grabbed the waistband of Helo's pants and pulled him down into the seat next to her.

Helo's face recoiled immediately. "Frak, Kara. You reek! How much ambrosia have you had?"

She looked down at the open bottle and smiled proudly. "That's number two."

"And you're still conscious?"

"Mama always said I had a good conny… consi… contitution." She must have found that hilarious because the next second she couldn't stop laughing.

As Helo reached across the table to take her hand, he wondered how this wonderfully fraked-up pilot had wormed her way into his heart so quickly. He gave her a brave smile when she looked at him inquisitively. "Kara, something's wrong."

"What's wrong?" she said, looking serious for a moment before starting the whole hysterical laughing thing again.

"I'm serious. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," she grumbled. "Everything's perfect in fact." She made a grab for the bottle, but Helo pushed it out of her reach. "Hey!"

"You don't need anymore of that stuff right now."

"Says you!"

Helo winced. She really was drunk. "Kara, something is obviously wrong. We pilots might be fans of the alcohol, but we don't drink alone unless it's to forget."

"Why the frak do you care?" Kara hissed, immediately turning into a mean drunk as soon as she realized Helo wasn't going to let up.

"I don't know." He watched her jaw drop open and had to hold back a laugh. "What did you think I was going to say, Kara? Because I'm your friend? Because I care about you? We've known each other for barely a month. I like you, Kara, and I guess I know how much it helps to talk to someone without worrying what the repercussions will be."

Lee was about to walk into the break room where he planned to stare at these stupid flight rotations until they fixed themselves when he heard Kara swear lightly. He had no idea what he was doing as he pushed his body up against the wall beside the open hatch. All he knew was he couldn't see Kara right now. He wasn't ready, and Kara had been right. When they were together, everything went to hell.

"You can start with the whole clothing thing."

Lee froze at the sound of Helo's voice but wasn't really surprised. The Raptor ECO had been spending a lot of time with Kara since they got back from Caprica.

"What are you talking about?"

"Kara, they transferred you into my new bunkroom. I see you every day, wearing that thing."

Lee had to hold himself back from bursting in and giving Helo a massive slap on the back. He had been dying to know why Kara wore that damn Buccaneers jacket Anders had given her. She had it on every second she was not on shift, and Lee wanted to know if that was only about physical comfort or if it was something a little more.

"I don't wear it everyday," Kara insisted.

Lee rolled his eyes. Yeah, she did. He was glad to hear Helo tell her just that. A few people passed by, and Lee tried to look busy by rifling through the reports in his hand.

Helo reached across the table to yank the blanket off of Kara's shoulders. He smirked at the rather recognizable sweatshirt on her body. He figured she'd be wearing it. What better time to clothe yourself in reminders of what had once been than when you're having a little one on one time with a bottle of the green stuff? Helo sighed and asked, "Where did you get it?"

Kara lifted her chin in defiance. She was not going to be embarrassed about this. "It was left behind. He doesn't even know I have it." Her hands came out of the sleeves to absentmindedly finger the emblem of the Atlantia. "It's soft."

"You're going to have to give it back at some point."

"I can't."

Helo raised an eyebrow inquiringly. "You can't or you won't?"

"I don't want to," she growled. "Why should I? He's not even going to miss it." Her words sounded hollow even to her. Everyone on this ship had witnessed the CAG's frantic search for his misplaced sweatshirt. He had been devastated to realize it was nowhere to be found.

"I don't want to give it back," Kara admitted in a quiet voice. "It still smells like him, and it helps me sleep."

Lee tapped his head against the corridor walls. He shouldn't be torturing himself like this. He had known that stupid jacket must be helping her in some way, but hearing her admit it had hurt a lot more than he imagined.

"How are you sleeping?" Helo asked. He wanted to keep her talking. Maybe she would stop drinking that way. The last thing Kara needed right now was to have to find cover for a shift because she was piss drunk. Then again, the drink did have some good qualities to it.

"It's getting better." Kara sighed and pulled her hands into her lap. "This thing really helps." She reached out to take another sip from the half-empty bottle of ambrosia. "This stuff works, too."

Helo wasn't going to try to stop her. As long as she kept talking, she could drink all she wanted.

Someone called out for him, and Lee turned to see Gaeta making his way down the corridor. He swore under his breath. He had forgotten he was supposed to be helping the Lieutenant come up with a plan to clean up the mess left behind by the Cylon virus in Galactica. Sighing, he straightened up and walked down the corridor. It wouldn't be good to have Kara and Helo know they were being spied on.

"So, what's going on in that brain of yours?" Helo asked, taking his own drink from the bottle of ambrosia.

"Nothing," Kara said without much thought. "It's kind of empty."

"I doubt that."

"No, that's actually my problem. My mind's empty." Helo was staring at her expectantly so she tried her best to explain. "I keep forgetting about Anders. It's only been a few weeks since Caprica, and I'm already losing him. I wake up in the morning, and I forget he's out there fighting for his life. It takes a sad look from Lee to remind me."

"That's fraked up."

"Tell me about it. I know I have to make a decision. I keep sitting myself down and trying to hash out all the reasons why and why not." Kara smirked. "You interrupted one of those times by the way, mister."

"I prefer to see myself as more of a facilitator than an interrupter," Helo insisted.

Kara got up from her chair and stumbled over to grab two glasses off a nearby table. She slammed them in front of Helo and poured ambrosia to the top of both. These little sips weren't going to cut it if Helo was expecting her to dig into the pain in her heart. "I haven't made any progress. Every time I try, I get to a point where I realize how ridiculous this whole thing is. Anders is back on Caprica, and even though no one is going to say it, I know the Cylons have probably gotten to him by now. He's dead!"

Helo winced as she yelled the last few words, but he wasn't going to let her hollering keep him from figuring out how to help her. "Why don't you let him go then? Let yourself move on, Kara. It's obviously what you want."

Kara shook her head. "I don't know what I want, Karl. That's what makes this so hard."

"I always go with my gut when my brain doesn't want to comply."

"My gut's telling me to throw myself out the nearest airlock."

"Not funny," Helo said, glaring at her from across the table.

"Things would be easier if I could actually believe Anders was gone like I did before. I could just mourn his properly and focus on my flying."

"Kara, you don't honestly want him to die, do you?"

"No. I was just saying." Kara let out a sigh. "Besides, he's not going to let himself be taken down by the Cylons. Anders made it sixty days on that planet without knowing I was alive. Now that he does, Sam isn't going to stop until he sees my face again. I gave him a reason to fight, a reason to live."

"Didn't he do the same for you?" Helo watched a look of guilt pass over Kara's face. He figured as much. "You already had a reason to keep on living before you got to Caprica, didn't you?"

"Of course I did. You've seen what flying does to me."

"We aren't talking about flying, so don't feed me that bullshit."

Kara took another sip of her drink. "How do you pick up on things like that, Karl? I haven't given you the impression that I was anything but infatuated, maybe a little sex-crazed, for Lee. How the frak did you figure out that he actually meant something to me?"

"You really want to know?" Kara nodded. "Well, there were the usual signs like the fact you two can't hold each other's eyes for more than a second. Then, Apollo's always reaching out to touch you in comfort, but he pulls back. That means he doesn't want to hurt you. You don't want to hurt him either, Kara."

"How do you know that?"

"For starters, you're always working on his Viper. There are plenty of others that need to be fixed, but you're always working on the CAG's." Helo reached across the table and poked her in the shoulder. "Then there's that lovely sweatshirt. I find it odd that you wear that pyramid jacket that Anders gave you on Caprica all the time and yet it's Apollo's clothing that you refuse to let go of."

"I'm so fraked up!" Kara growled, throwing her head into her hands. She started kicking the legs of the table in frustration, and that was the sound Lee heard as he set up a time to meet with Gaeta later and then made his way back to stand outside the hatch.

Kara was still talking, and he figured this was the safest way to get information about what was going on with her. It was his duty as the CAG to know how the pilots' morale was holding up. This had nothing to do with his own personal desires to know how Kara herself was holding up.

"How fraked up is it?" Helo asked, reached out to pull her hands away from her face.

Kara took a deep breath. "I'm in love with him." Helo's jaw dropped, and she paused to let the shock wear off before continuing on. "I know I'm in love with him even if I can't admit it."

Lee could feel his heart drop. He knew she loved Anders. She had said so herself down on Kobol when he asked. Why did it hurt so much to hear her say it again?

"Why can't you admit it?"

"I don't want to hurt…" Kara's voice trailed off as she felt the sudden urge to cry. She really didn't want to hurt Anders. He had been so good to her. "I care about him."

"But you don't love him?"

"He means a lot to me, but no, I don't think I love him the way he wants me to," Kara said, knowing it was the truth. "Gods, this is so fraking infuriating. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not the kind of girl who can juggle two men at the same time. I can barely open up to one."

"You're opening up to me."

"I see you as asexual," she joked. The room filled with silence, and Lee could practically feel Kara breaking down. "I sit in this stupid room and laugh and pretend like everything's okay. I fly my shifts on CAP and pretend that it doesn't break my heart to be up there. This isn't me. This life I'm living is not me."

Helo didn't know what to say, so he just reached out to grab her hand. He was grateful to feel her grasp it tightly, almost as if she was holding on for dear life. He had been right. She needed to get this out.

"Since we got back from Caprica, it's been like I'm a stranger to every one I thought I knew. They all look at me like I'm a toaster just waiting to take them out. The sad part is I agree with them. Because I look inside of myself and I don't even know what's there. I feel out of place, and I have no idea how to fix that."

Lee closed his eyes as he heard the sounds of Kara sobbing filter their way into the corridor. It didn't surprise him to hear the hatch close. Anyone who knew Kara knows she hates admitting that she cries. She always tries to be so damn strong all the time.

Sighing, Lee pushed himself of the wall. Kara was in good hands with Helo. He'd take care of her until they could get this rescue mission together and get her back the man she loves. Meanwhile, Lee had paperwork that needed to be done.