Author's note: Just for the record: I kept my promise )
I am afraid this chapter is rather long. I tried to split it into two chapters, but I just couldn't decide where to end this chapter and start the next one… so you'll just have to read it all in one chapter. It is sort of the centrepiece of the story, so I think the length is justified.
After this chapter there is only one more to come, but the story was never planned any differently. The last chapter is already written and will be up soon and the sequel is planned.
If the formatting is odd, say thank you to because uploading just wouldn't work and I had to do it manually...
Again I want to thank those of you, who reviewed. I am all smiles every time I get a review, and most of you really went into detail. I loved it and am very grateful!
Sharing the guilt
On Saturday afternoon Rory, Sookie and Lorelai met again. While Lorelai had found a wedding dress, the question of the bridesmaids' gowns was still open.
"No way am I going to wear that!" Sookie shrieked as she looked at the short yellow dress she held in her hands.
"Gotcha!" Lorelai laughed at Sookie's horrified face. "You didn't really think I'd make my bridesmaids wear yellow dresses, did you"
"No," Sookie admitted, but was still glad that she could safely throw the yellow dress back onto the pile of dresses on the couch.
Rory came back from her room, wearing a long simple light blue dress and smiling happily. "This is pretty, I want this one," she said and looked at her mother with begging eyes.
"It's good, but there are five more, I want to see them all," Lorelai said sternly.
"Okay, but without me. Whatever you choose is fine by me, except the yellow one," Sookie said and smiled at her best friend. "It's time for Martha's dinner"
"That's fine Sookie, see you on Monday," Lorelai said and waved at her exiting friend, before she turned back to her daughter.
"How about this one?" she asked and held up a long modern dress.
"I like it, but grandma told me to tell you that pink is a horrible colour," Rory said as she eyed the soft pink dress.
"And since when do I care about my mother's opinion?" Lorelai asked.
"Uhm since forever?" Rory shot back and returned her mother's stare.
"On whose side are you anyways? If it weren't for me you'd still not be talking to your grandmother," Lorelai said and began to feel irritation rising in her.
"I am on nobody's site, but you seemed to be so happy during the past weeks, and I just want you to have the wedding you want," Rory justified herself. "I'll have that as long as my mother doesn't interfere," Lorelai said and by the tone in her mother's voice Rory knew that the discussion was over.
Lorelai walked into the kitchen and took a moment to think about her daughter's words. She was right, she wanted her mother to be at her wedding, but she wanted her mother to share her joy, not to simply tolerate it.
When Richard returned home at five o'clock in the afternoon he was surprised to find the garage open and his wife's car inside. He had actually planned to surprise her with being home when she returned, but it looked like she had beaten him to it.
"Hello?" he called as he stepped into the foyer, and the maid instantly came hurrying to get his coat. "Good evening Mr. Gilmore," Sabina greeted him.
"Good evening, where is my wife?" Richard inquired as he handed his coat to the maid.
"I think she is still in her bedroom," Sabina said and avoided looking at her boss's eyes. "Is something wrong?" Richard asked, getting suspicious when the maid couldn't look into his eyes.
"No, everything is fine," the maid said and then hurried out of the foyer.
Richard narrowed his eyes and was about to walk upstairs, when he saw Emily coming down the stairs. "Richard? You're early," Emily said in surprise.
"It's Saturday, dear, there wasn't much to do," he said and then walked over to the couches, were Emily had sat down. "How was your meeting?" he asked, and went over to the drinking card to pour them some drinks.
"Oh well, I didn't go," Emily said cheerfully, hoping against hope that he wouldn't ask why. She had briefly considered telling him that she had gone, but she knew that he would eventually find out about her lie. "Why is that?" Richard asked surprised, while handing the drink to his wife. "I just didn't want to go with all the correspondence still left unanswered and everything," she explained and at the same time knew that she wouldn't get away with it.
"Okay Emily, what is going on here?" Richard asked as he set his drink down on the table. He fixed his wife with his stare and when he saw Emily squirming ever so softly, he knew that something was wrong.
"Nothing Richard," Emily tried again.
"Sabina? Sabina, would you come in here for a minute?" Richard called out, knowing that it would be easier to get the maid to talk than to expect Emily to spill her secret.
"Yes Mr. Gilmore?" Sabina asked as she entered the living room. She carefully looked from Emily to Richard.
"Sabina, would you be so kind as to tell me what happened this afternoon," Richard demanded strictly. Sabina was clearly uncomfortable as she was trying to decide what she should do. Both Richard and Emily were staring at her. She finally came to the conclusion that she'd get fired anyway, so she quickly retold the events of the afternoon. She tried to avoid looking at Emily as she did so.
"Thank you Sabina," Richard said as she had finished. His voice had audibly cooled. Emily threw a last death glare at the maid, before Sabina hurried out of the living room again.
Emily lowered her eyes to look at her hands, while she felt Richard's eyes resting on her. "I told you to call me if something was wrong," Richard said, and Emily was able to hear the anger in his voice.
"I didn't want to worry you, it wasn't that bad," Emily explained feebly.
"Emily, you were there when Dr. Johanson told us about the possibility of a panic attack, and that such an attack can very well be dangerous," Richard said, exasperated at his wife's stubbornness. He got up from the couch and paced the room. "I thought we had talked about us being more honest," he said.
"I know Richard, and I am sorry, I just…., " Emily tried to justify herself, but broke off. Richard sat down next to her, and put his hand on top of hers.
"What is really going on here?" he asked gently, and was glad when Emily finally met his eyes. Instead of answering though she put her head onto his shoulder, and enjoyed it when he put his arm around her and hugged her to himself. Richard placed a soft kiss on the top of Emily's head, deciding to let the matter rest for the moment. He thought that he had a pretty good idea of what was bothering his wife.
"I'll call the hospital later and make an appointment for Monday. They should check you through," Richard said after a moment of silence.
"Richard, I don't need that," Emily replied, and sat upright again.
"I won't tolerate protest, the only thing you can choose from is whether you want me to come with you or whether I should hire a driver to take you," Richard said and Emily knew it was futile to disagree with him. She didn't want him to worry.
"A driver will be fine," she gave in with a sigh.
"A driver it is then," Richard said and pulled her close to him again.
When Richard returned out of his study two hours later, he found his wife comfortably sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper.
"Anything interesting?" Richard asked as he walked past her towards the drinking card. When he didn't get an answer, he turned around and walked up to her. He put a hand onto her shoulder, but removed it again when Emily sat up with a start.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Richard said and smiled at his wife.
"No it's alright, I was distracted," Emily replied, and shut the paper. Richard however was able to catch a last glimpse of the site Emily had been reading, before she shut the paper and put it onto the table. "I think I'll take a bath now," Emily exclaimed, smiling seductively at her husband.
"Alright, you go ahead, I'll be there soon. I've got one last call to make," Richard said and smiled back at his wife.
He went into the study and looked at the phone for a long time before he made up his mind. This was going on long enough now. He knew that both his wife and his daughter suffered because of the situation and Emily's forlorn look on her face as she had been studying the wedding announcements in the paper was enough to make his heart break.
Lorelai had just cleared the remainders of dinner away, when the telephone rang. She went over to answer it, and was surprised by the person on the other end. "Dad? How nice to hear from you. How are you?" she asked and sat down on the couch next to Luke.
"I am fine, Lorelai, how are you and Luke?" Richard asked back politely. "We're great, very busy, but happy. Hey you are going to walk me down the aisle, won't you?" Lorelai asked and snuggled up to Luke.
"Of course I will Lorelai, I am your father," Richard answered matter-of-factly, but couldn't help smiling softly at the prospect of leading his beautiful daughter to the altar. "Just checking to be sure," Lorelai said and laughed softly. "Lorelai listen, the reason why I am calling is that your mother isn't doing too well," Richard said.
"What? Is something wrong?" Lorelai asked with concern and sat upright again. Luke was startled by the sudden movement of his fiancée and looked at her with a worried expression on his face.
"No, don't worry, Lorelai, I don't mean her health," Richard explained. "It's about the situation between the two of you," he went on, but was interrupted by Lorelai.
"Dad, before you continue, I am not going to discuss this with you. What is it with everyone these days? It's not like I was the one starting the argument, and I am not the one, who has to make the next move," Lorelai ranted.
"Lorelai, all I am asking for is that you come by and try to talk to her," Richard begged.
"No, Dad, it's up to her, I am the one waiting for some kind of gesture from her," Lorelai said and Richard was able to hear the sadness in his daughter's voice.
"All right Lorelai, I had to try," he said quietly. "Please greet Luke from me, will you?" he asked and Lorelai agreed happily. When she had hung up she turned to Luke. "In case you wanted to join the "Lorelai-has-to-make-the-first-step,-even-though-it's-not-her-fault-fanclub": Don't!" she said pointedly.
"I wouldn't dare," Luke said and lifted both arms in surrender. "Good," Lorelai replied and smiled at him seductively.
Emily sat in the back of the car Richard had ordered for her, and thought about the things Dr. Johanson had told her during her check up. He had told her that such panic attacks were often triggered by something that unconsciously reminded the patient of a traumatic situation, and they got even more severe when some unresolved personal issues were involved. Emily sighed heavily, Dr. Johanson had no idea how right he was. She looked out of the window, trying to clear her head, when a shop window caught her eye.
"Excuse me, could you stop here for a second?" she called out to the driver.
"Of course Ma'am," the driver answered and pulled over to park the car.
"Thank you, it won't be long," Emily said and with that got out of the car.
"Richard?" Emily asked quietly when they sat at the breakfast table on Wednesday.
"Yes Emily," Richard replied, but didn't take his eyes away from the paper.
"Could you do me another favour?" she asked carefully.
"Of course, dear," Richard said and finally put his paper down.
"Could you accompany me to Stars Hollow today?" Emily asked, and looked at Richard intently.
"Today?" Richard asked back, trying to remember his work schedule for the day and whether he would be able to change it.
"I know it is short notice, but…," Emily broke off, suddenly feeling silly to push the matter like that. She could certainly wait till the weekend, but she feared that she might lose her courage till then.
"Okay, Emily, of course I'll come with you, but could we do this in the afternoon, because I have a meeting at 9 o'clock that I simply cannot miss," Richard said and smiled at his wife, who nodded and smiled back gratefully. ---
When the car came to a halt in front of Lorelai's house, Emily felt sick. She had spent the morning thinking of possible things to tell her daughter, but was unsatisfied with all of them. Richard got out of the car and then opened her door for her. She allowed him to help her out of the car, and then took a moment to look at the house. "I'll be at Luke's if you need me, I still have a betting debt to pay" Richard said and smiled at her.
"What do you mean with you're at Luke's!" Emily asked, and was annoyed about the insecurity in her voice.
"This is between you and Lorelai, my dear," Richard explained and pressed a light kiss on the top of Emily's head.
"But.. ," Emily wanted to protest, but Richard was already walking towards the end of Lorelai's driveway and the town centre. She took a last calming breath, and then walked up to the front door of her daughter's beloved house. She rung the bell twice, before she heard someone coming to the door. Lorelai was annoyed about the disturbance on her free afternoon. She had planned to spend the day lying on her couch, doing virtually nothing, while she waited for Luke to return home in the evening. She opened the door, fully planning to send away whoever was standing there, when she recognized the visitor.
"Hello Lorelai," Emily said simply, looking at her daughter carefully. She was clutching the big purse she was carrying and waited for her daughter's reaction to her visit.
"Mum, what are you doing here?" Lorelai asked nonplussed.
"I came to talk," Emily explained, starting to feel very uncomfortable. "Talk," Lorelai stated.
"Yes talk, Lorelai," Emily said and felt how she began to get annoyed by her daughter's behaviour.
"Where is Dad going?" Lorelai suddenly asked, watching her father crossing the street and walking towards the town centre.
"He said something about Luke and a bet," Emily explained, still standing outside Lorelai's house.
"So you came here to talk?" Lorelai asked again- trying to buy herself some time, because she was not sure how to react to her mother's unforeseen visit.
"Oh for heaven's sake, yes, Lorelai. I won't do it standing on the porch, though," Emily said, now clearly unnerved.
"Oh, I am sorry," Lorelai said, stepping aside to let her mother in. She took her mother's coat and then followed her into her living room. Lorelai hurried to clear some space for her mother, because there were still tons of magazines lying around.
"Do you want to drink something?" Lorelai asked, not really knowing what else to do.
"Yes, a glass of water would be nice," Emily said, grateful for the distraction and the time it bought her to calm down again, and get the edgy tone out of her voice.
Lorelai returned with two glasses of water and then sat down opposite to her mother on the chair that stood there.
For a moment both women sipped their water quietly, then Emily got up and started pacing the room. Lorelai decided to keep quiet as she waited for her mother to start. "Lorelai, you know why I am here, I want to talk about the things you said in hospital," Emily began, and instantly realized that it had been a bad opening line, because she saw Lorelai's body tensing.
"I want to apologize for the way I treated you in that situation, I shouldn't have been as reprimanding as I've been. You were right about many things," Emily admitted quietly, and only briefly glanced at her daughter. Lorelai simply nodded in response. She had mixed feelings about her mother's apology. On the one hand she was overjoyed that it had finally come, and on the other hand she sensed that there was more to come. "However," Emily continued, "I don't think that you know my reasons for acting the way I did"
"Oh please Mum, not the same speech again. You only did what you thought was best for me… bla bla bla. I know it Mum, and you know what, I don't believe it," Lorelai said, feeling irritation rising in her again. Why couldn't her mother just apologize and leave it like that? She fixed her mother with her stare, before she continued. "How can you be as hypocritical as you are? For how many years have I listened to your ongoing rants about grandma? How unfair she was, how badly she treated you… but do you know that you are very much like her? What exactly is it that makes you different from her?" Lorelai asked- relieved to finally have said what she had wanted to tell her mother for a long time. Emily had stopped pacing and stood behind the couch, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"When you are talking like this, I realize that you don't know me at all," Emily replied, returning her daughter's stare.
"Oh please, Mum, what is there to know?" Lorelai snorted.
"Lorelai, you were the one, who once told me that I didn't know you, and you were right. I didn't know you, but you know what, you don't know me either. If you knew me, then why would you have had to ask me all those questions, while we were stuck in the car?" Emily asked back, satisfied to see her daughter averting her gaze for a moment.
"If you knew me, you'd also know my reasons for treating Luke the way I did," Emily went on, making sure that her daughter still listened to her and was looking at her.
"Did your father or someone else ever tell you about what happened the day you left or what happened afterwards?" Emily asked, inevitably thinking back to that painful day.
Lorelai remembered her father's rant after the incident with the Haydens, and how surprised and shocked she had been by the fact that her departure had unsettled her mother the way it had. She decided to keep quiet though- not knowing what her mother was getting at. She softly shook her head, waiting for her mother to continue.
Emily rounded the couch and sat down again, looking at the mantelpiece with the family photos of Lorelai and Rory as she began talking again.
"After I had found your letter I instantly sent your father to go looking for you. He drove all through Hartford, but didn't find you. I called all your friends, because I thought you might have gone there. When your father returned after three hours we called the police, only to find out that they couldn't act as long as you weren't gone for more than 24 hours," Emily said, and tried to push the emotions, which the memories brought with them, away. "When the next day came, and we still had no sign of where you were, we called the police again and they sent an officer over to our house. He was kind enough and asked us all sorts of questions about you. That was the moment when you called," Emily broke off momentarily. Both mother and daughter thought back to that first phone call. Emily had been yelling into the phone, until Richard had finally taken the phone out of her hands to calmly ask his daughter where she was. Emily had hated him for his calmness, his detachedness.
"After we had hung up again, I wanted to drive to Stars Hollow and get you. I already had the car keys in my hand when the police officer called me back. He told me that it wasn't uncommon for teenagers to run away. He advised us to let you be for the moment. He said that most teenagers realized rather quickly that living on their own wasn't as easy as they had imagined it to be and returned home after some time. If we dragged you home however, we would risk you running away again," Emily recounted the details of her conversation with the police officer. "Your father thought that it sounded convincing, and I agreed to the plan. I hadn't thought that you'd really make it," Emily admitted softly.
"And if I had returned home you could have shown me once again that you were always right and superior. You would have been able to keep your pride," Lorelai said bitterly. Emily raised her eyes to look at her daughter. She wanted to protest at first, but then nodded- realizing that her daughter was right.
"When you hadn't returned the next week, I knew that you wouldn't come back. You had called again, telling us about your job, and I realized that our chance to get you back had passed. That was when I…," Emily broke off, but by the look in her daughter's eyes she knew that Lorelai had learned of the breakdown her mother had suffered back then. Emily was silent for a moment, trying to reorganize her thoughts.
"Did you ever think about coming home?" she finally asked quietly. Lorelai sighed heavily, not sure how to answer.
"Yes, I did. During the first three days when Rory was constantly screaming, because everything was so unfamiliar to her, I really had thought about returning home, but then I remembered why I had left in the first place," Lorelai said, looking at her mother. Her mother's soft features from only seconds ago had tensed again. "To be frank, I didn't think you'd care much anyway," Lorelai said sadly, "after all you didn't even come looking for me," she finished.
"How could you have thought that?" Emily asked, and Lorelai sensed that her mother was really taken aback by the information.
"Oh come on, Mum, don't tell me you have forgotten how it was before I had left," Lorelai asked incredulously.
"I don't know what you're referring to," Emily said, her tone sharpening audibly.
"Then let me help refreshing your memory," Lorelai said, and got up from her chair. Like her mother had done before, she started pacing before she began speaking.
"You were never there, Mum, and when you were, you had no time for me. I am not talking about the whole me being pregnant fiasco, but about the time before that. Can you actually look into the mirror and tell yourself that you've been a good mother?" Lorelai asked, as long suppressed memories of her childhood flooded her mind. Emily kept quiet, simply staring at her daughter.
"You never cared about my life, whatever I did, it was never good enough. You never praised, you only punished. You never took me out when I got good grades, but you grounded me for weeks if I failed to live up to your standards," Lorelai exclaimed, feeling hot tears welling up in her eyes.
"The only damn way to catch your attention was to do something wrong. You never let me make up my mind. It was society's way or none at all. I still get a screaming fit every time I hear the sentence 'What will the neighbours think?'. Every time you hug Rory I wonder when was the last time that you hugged me or told me you loved me or showed any kind of affection towards me," Lorelai went on, but then had to stop to wipe a tear away that had managed to escape. "I was a burden for you," Lorelai finished quietly, desperately trying to get her emotions under control.
"I had no idea you felt like this," Emily said softly. She looked at Lorelai's swimming eyes, and had the sudden urge to get up and hug her.
"You were my life, Lorelai," Emily went on and didn't let Lorelai's hateful laughter stop her. "You were brought up like any other girl of the time. You were brought up like your father and I had been. I had nannies caring for me all through my childhood, and still managed to have a good relationship with my mother. I never understood what went wrong with us… you had everything all the other girls had as well. Unlike the other girls you didn't like it, though. You never wanted to wear dresses, and instead of enjoying parties, you hated them," Emily said, remembering the fear she had felt back then when she had begun to sense that her daughter was drifting away from her.
"I didn't know how to react to your opposition, to your screaming and your crying," Emily admitted. "I made a lot of mistakes, Lorelai, I know that and I am truly sorry for them, but I will not take the sole guilt for this," Emily said determinedly, but her voice stayed gentle.
"Of course you won't," Lorelai spat out. To her surprise her mother didn't get angry though, she simply smiled at her Lorelai. "Have you ever tried to get to know me or my life, Lorelai? Sometimes I think you were so busy hating everything I did that you didn't see the positive things behind it all. I am not just the wife of someone or the mother of someone, Lorelai. Did you know that I wanted to major in art history and literary science? Did you know that I dreamed of travelling the world, of seeing all the famous paintings in all those famous museums? Did you know that I gave up all of that, because I was so deeply in love with your father? Did you know that I sat by your bed every night, holding your hand while you were sleeping, because you cried as soon as I let go?" Emily asked, and felt her own eyes beginning to fill with tears.
Lorelai still stood opposite to her mother, and felt her head spinning. She was still angry. Angry, because she still felt that she had every right to be mad at her mother, angry, because the reasons for her mother's behaviour suddenly seemed understandable. Lorelai had to think back to Rory, who had told her about her mother's reasons for rejecting Luke days ago. 'She's never going to let me live this down' Lorelai thought as she realized that Rory had been right with everything she had said. Her mother was jealous of Luke and more importantly, jealous of Stars Hollow.
"I thought that at some point we would be able to share all of this, but you had left before we got the chance to do so," Lorelai suddenly heard her mother say. She allowed her mother's words to sink in some more, before she sniffled softly and addressed her mother again.
"So what now, Mum? What do we do now?" Lorelai asked- desperation in her voice. "Can you honestly say that you will change now? Can you honestly promise me that you'll accept Luke and my life? Can you?" Lorelai asked.
"No, Lorelai, I can't. All I can promise you is that I'll try. There will be times when I'll return to my old way of acting. The question is whether you want to make the effort of seeing beyond your disappointment and your hurt?" Emily asked and looked at her daughter.
Lorelai noticed that there was no expectation in her mother's eyes. She simply waited for Lorelai's answer, and for the first time in her life, Lorelai felt like she was really free to decide, because her mother would accept her decision.
Lorelai wanted to speak up again, but at that moment the phone started ringing. Lorelai looked at it for a second, trying to decide what to do, but eventually went over to answer it.
"Michel, calm down… what is on fire! How did that…. Okay." Emily listened to her daughter's conversation with her concierge. Lorelai waved apologetically before she took the phone to the kitchen with her. Emily was able to hear her daughter's muffled voice as she was left alone in the living room. She got up slowly, walking over to the mantelpiece. She once more enjoyed the pictures of Rory's childhood and the snapshots of Lorelai and her friends, before she made her decision. She took her bag and opened it slowly. She carefully took the two lovingly wrapped gifts out of it and positioned them on the table. Emily looked around the newly decorated living room once more before she left her daughter's house with a last wistful smile.
Well, that's it… I'd love to know what you think, this time especially. This chapter has been in my head ever since I started writing the story, so please please leave a review and tell me what you think (yes, I am begging lol).