A/N- Things are about to get heavy...

Shikamaru was having a really difficult time dragging himself out of bed this morning. He had to work today, like every other day, but he'd gotten home a bit late after escorting his mom to his uncle's house in another village. He hadn't planned on being gone for so long, but they insisted that he stay for dinner before heading home.

So now he was struggling to even wake himself up so that he could get dressed. Luckily, Lord Sixth was late to everything, so would understand if Shikamaru wasn't anywhere close to being on time.

He finally decided to sit up to rub his eyes a bit while he convinced himself to leave his bed completely. The conversation wasn't going too well though, because he'd also been making a compelling argument about how warm and comfortable it was.

However, his responsible, almost twenty year old side had won out, and he finally, reluctantly, made his way out of his bed to get dressed. All the while, yawning like crazy. Lord Sixth would understand if he had to make himself coffee first.

He put his pants on and made his way into the kitchen. Even though it was just him and his mom now, it was still really quiet without her there and would be all week.

Once the coffee had been started he went back into his room to finish getting ready. It was very slow going. He sat there on the edge of his bed with half of his arms already in the sleeves of his shirt as it rested on his lap, and he considered not putting it on and just laying back down as he started to doze off again.

Just as he was about to give in and go back to bed, there was a knock on his door and he was startled back into complete awareness. He waited for another knock to decide if it'd even been real or not and then got up to answer it, still with his arms in his shirt.

He slid it open and was pleasantly surprised to see Shanan standing there, looking as though she were on some sort of mission.

"Hey," she said with a slight blush as she tried to avert her eyes. She had expected him to be dressed by now, or at the very least have his hair up in a ponytail. It always drove her crazy seeing it down like this.

Shikamaru smiled at her as he pulled his arms out of his shirt. "Funny seeing you here," he said sweetly.

She raised her eyebrow at him and smiled back. "I was actually just wondering if you would go with me to pick out flowers for Naruto and Hinata's wedding. Ino always kinda gives me the cold shoulder for some reason."

Naruto and Hinata both agreed that they'd wanted Shanan to plan their wedding, which she was more than excited to do.

"Yeah..." he said, knowingly as he leaned against the door frame. Of course he knew that it was because of Sasuke, but he couldn't tell her that. "Sure, I'll go with you if you want me to." He paused for a moment and tried to swallow down his next words, but they begged him to be said and then forced their way out anyway. "Do you wanna come inside?"

It felt as though the words had crashed right into her and she stood frozen for a few seconds. She'd only come by because she'd been feeling really strong and figured they might finally be able to hang out as friends for once. But now that he was asking… No, there was a reason his house had never been an option for them. She knew he had to ask, but she had to force herself to try and say no for once.

"I don't think I should, your mom might-"

"She's out of the village," he interrupted. His heart was beating like crazy, but she was here and they would finally have some time alone if she came in. She never showed up at his house, so it felt like it was meant to be. It had been so long.

"Oh." She couldn't help but glance from Shikamaru to his bed. They hadn't been together in over a year, and they hadn't shared an actual bed together since before the Kaitei. She didn't come here to do this, but the speed at which her resolve was leaving her was truly astounding.

Shikamaru grabbed her hand gently and looked at her longingly. He didn't realize how much he'd missed her. Or nevermind. He'd shoved the feeling deep inside of himself, he had to. Ever since she'd been married they'd done really well at keeping their distance. But again, she was standing right here and he could tell that she was still very much as in love with him as he still was with her.

And of course, once he touched her, even just her hand, all of their collective longing came rushing through her. She was instantly flooded with the feeling that they'd unnecessarily lost so much time together. And she realized how much she'd truly missed him. Missed his touch. Missed his kisses. Missed being completely tangled up with him. Missed just talking to him...

He tightened his grip a bit to see if she would pull away and she didn't. So he started backing up slowly as he gently pulled her into his room and she didn't fight him about that either.

She had so many thoughts racing through her mind as she stood there. The door to their relationship had been close to closed. What would happen if they opened it again? She did love him and miss him very much and it had been so long since they'd had the chance to lay in a bed together. So long since they had any privacy. So long since they'd been able to truly express their feelings to one another. They'd been so quiet about them over the last few years. Every orgasm he gave her had to be restrained. Every kiss had to feel urgent as if someone could walk in on them at any moment. Every conversation in front of anyone had to be devoid of any emotion so as not to give anything away.

Shikamaru kept hold of her hand as he closed the door. Then he tentatively wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and held her tight as he rested his chin on her shoulder. Just feeling her warmth again set him completely on fire. He'd missed the feeling.

"I don't think we'll ever have this amount of privacy again," he said softly. "It's ok if you don't wanna stay for a bit. I won't be upset about it. I'll get dressed and we'll have some coffee and then head out. But if you do want to, I can tell it'd make both of us really happy." He tightened his arms around her and really took the feeling in, just in case she said no and wanted him to stop.

But she didn't want him to. She didn't pull away and she didn't suggest that they get going.

She did, however, take him completely by surprise.

"Is it ok if we talk?" she asked him carefully.

Shikamaru got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. They always talked when they were together, but it was usually loving and sweet and people didn't usually ask to talk if it was going to be a pleasant conversation. She was finally going to break things off with him, that had to be it. He stood up straight and scratched his head a bit nervously.

"I made coffee," he said quietly as he started walking. He decided to go ahead and put his shirt on.

Shanan had never seen this much of his house. She thought that maybe if they'd ever dated properly instead of choosing to be secretive about it, then maybe she would have. Maybe his mom would've had her over for dinner sometimes and his dad would tease and embarrass him in front of her. But they didn't do it the normal way. Their relationship had always been kind of backwards, but she loved that about them. He was always fun and playful and neither of them liked being scrutinized too much. But he was always open with her, the same as she was with him.

Once she was seated at the table, Shikamaru poured them both a cup of coffee and made Shanan's exactly how she liked it, way too sweet.

He stayed quiet, though. He fully expected that she was finally about to officially reject him. Nevermind that she was married now and that they hadn't been together since a few weeks before the war. They'd only even kissed once since her wedding, but he still hung on to at least a little bit of hope since they had never sat down and discussed the end. The fact that it was coming only made him want to run away, it wouldn't be over if he didn't hear that it was. But his entire body was already going numb in preparation and he couldn't move, except to make her a cup of coffee the way she'd always had it. As if remembering that detail would change her mind.

Once they were both seated and had taken a few sips, Shanan set her cup down thoughtfully. "I don't think I realized how much I missed this until now," she said softly. Remembering all the cups of coffee they'd shared in their time together, usually to help get rid of their hangovers.

Shikamaru wanted to smile at that, but he was too busy waiting for the other shoe to drop. So he just nodded once and stared at his cup.

She took another sip and smiled softly. "It amazes me how both you and Kakashi always make me the perfect cup. Nobody else gets it right."

"Oh, I'm not surprised. I can think of a few people that have probably taken the time to memorize the way you take your coffee," he said a bit resentfully as he waited for her to break his heart.

Shanan couldn't stop staring at him. It really had been awhile since they'd even been alone together and she hated that they had barely spoken to each other during that time. The only time they had was in an official capacity at the Office of the Hokage where both he and Kakashi spent the majority of their days. Both of the men that she loved, working side by side.

One was the most powerful and highest ranking man in their village, and the other was the most intelligent man in their village and the top advisor to her husband, Lord Kakashi Hatake, Sixth Hokage.

She took another sip and looked away from him.

"Do you remember the first time I came onto you? It feels like so long ago…" She often wondered how things would've gone between them if she hadn't been so forthcoming in the beginning.

He looked over at her and then back down at his cup. "It was a long time ago, almost five years already. But yeah, I remember," he said as he took another sip.

"Almost five years? Do you even remember what month it was?" she asked, a bit surprised that he even remembered how long it'd been.

Shikamaru smirked and looked up at her with tears in his eyes. "It was January. I remember the exact day too if you wanna keep quizzing me... Trust me, Shanan, I think about how much longer I could've been with you all the time." A tear fell and he didn't bother to wipe it as he continued. "So yeah, I know the year, the month, the day. I know what time it was when I showed up at your door to take you to see Lady Tsunade." He smiled softly as the details washed through him one by one. "I know how long you took to get your new ANBU gear while I waited for you to come out. I remember the conversation we had on our way back to your place. I remember exactly how long the sun had been set by the time we got back and you invited me in." Another tear fell and he wiped it away this time. "I remember exactly what you were wearing and how cute you looked. Shanan… I remember everything about that night and about every other night, before and after. I-" he looked down again and squeezed his eyes closed to try and stop his face from shaking so much.

Shanan had a steady stream of tears rolling down her cheeks now as she listened to him. She hadn't expected him to remember those kinds of details. She moved closer to him and put her hand on his knee as he looked up at her.

His voice was completely broken and all he could do was speak at a half whisper to try and get the words out. "I've always just… loved you, Shanan. I have. For so long before you ever even noticed me. And then you finally did. And then you finally liked me. And then you finally…" He stopped to try and blink back more of his tears. "And then you finally loved me too…" he said shakily as he brought a hand up to his eyes to wipe the tears away.

She wanted to hug him and kiss him and thank him. But she couldn't stop crying and hating herself as she sat up straight. "Why, Shikamaru?" she asked him weakly as tears fell uncontrollably. "Why love me so much? I don't do anything to deserve that from anyone. All I do is mess everything up." It was a feeling she'd had for years now. Ever since she'd unlocked her first memories after the Kaitei. And the feeling only worsened with each new memory that she'd unlocked. She hadn't ever said the words out loud, she wasn't even sure she'd actually thought them before, but she suddenly knew them to be true and felt as though it had been glaringly obvious to everyone.

Shikamaru frowned at her and slid out of his seat to kneel in front of her. "Shanan…" He had so much sympathy in his eyes as he wiped her tears away. "All you've ever done is try to help people and love them. It's why anything in your life has happened to you. And that's not a bad thing. Even if it's hard sometimes. But that's why I love you. And that's why I always will," he said, hand softly at the base of the back of her neck as he looked deep into her eyes. He was still crying the same tears he had been, but he was able to keep his voice steady now in the hopes that it would help her to feel better. "Don't beat yourself up. Ever. Please," he whispered softly.

Shanan leaned her forehead against his and stared back as she nodded gently.

"Shikamaru…"

"You still love me, right?"

She nodded again, still with her forehead against his. "Very much."

"I love you very much too, Shanan," he said before crashing his lips into hers.

They hadn't been together like this in so long. In fact, Shanan wasn't sure that Shikamaru had ever made love to her so passionately. But everything he did had so much intense affection behind it, so much devotion. It felt like he'd given her all he had, all of who he was. He was clearly trying to make up for their lost time, and she would have to return the favor soon.

They spent the better part of the day together, lying in eachothers arms and reminiscing about when they were together.

The longer they laid there though, the more guilty Shanan felt. She hadn't had the feeling in so long, so it felt even more heavy than it probably ever had.

It was late afternoon before they finally decided she should go home, and Shikamaru had tried to insist he walk her home, but she was adamant that they say goodbye at his door.

She wasn't going home.

She was going to the library to cry and feel ashamed of herself.

"Fine," he said between kisses. "I'll let you go without me," he pulled his lips away and cupped the side of her face, "but please don't feel bad. Ok? I know how you get. But we still love each other, we should be allowed to express it sometimes. Just… don't feel bad."

It was too late for that. She already hated herself.

"If you want, we can spend more time together tomorrow. You don't have to, but I know I wasn't ready to let you go today," he said tentatively as he brushed her hair behind her ear.

Shanan forced herself to smile at him. How could he love and want to be with such a despicable person? How could Kakashi? She didn't deserve either one of them.

"I'll try to." She wasn't sure if it was the truth or not.

He pulled her in and kissed her forehead softly. "I'll wait for you," he said before kissing her lips again to say goodbye.