Shanan was in between missions. Which meant that unless Naruto or Sasuke were around, then she was home alone. Kakashi being the Hokage took up most of his time.

She never did do well by herself and she found herself wishing she could go and find Neji and Lee to keep her company, but they had their own lives and their free time rarely synced up with hers. She wished she could hang out with Shikamaru as friends sometimes too, but they'd been keeping their distance from one another these last few months, since Naruto's wedding. Which was really hard, even though she knew that it was the right thing to do and had known for a long time that it was what they should've done. It was just really difficult saying goodbye to that part of her life forever and this time certainly felt different than any other time they'd stayed apart.

She was on the couch trying to read, but was really just thinking too much instead. She was both annoyed and excited when someone knocked on the front door and she jumped up to answer it.

"Naruto! I thought you and Sasuke were on a mission." she said as she threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight.

"Hey, sis!" Naruto matched her enthusiasm and squeezed her harder. "No, we both went on missions, but not the same one. He should be back soon, though," he said as he pulled away.

"Oh. So what's up, kiddo?" she teased. "Where's Hinata?"

Naruto made a face at her. "You gotta stop calling me that. I'm twenty years old now, ya know?"

Shanan didn't say anything as she reached up to ruffle his hair.

"Huh... I'm surprised you can even reach that high..." he said under his breath, knowing full well she could still hear him. "Anyway, I told Hinata I needed some time with you. It's been too long since we hung out alone together. Let's get some ramen, my treat."

Shanan jumped excitedly and then licked her finger and poked her head out as she held her finger up and looked around.

"What are you doing...?" Naruto asked in an exasperated tone.

"Seeing if I need a jacket," she said as if it were obvious.

Naruto smiled at her and shook his head. "Well, I mean I could've told you you didn't, but do what you want, you little dummy," he said as he laughed and patted her head.

Shanan smirked at him as she stepped out and locked the door. "You know, I should make you carry me since you're being so mean to me," she said as they started walking.

Naruto looked down at her sideways and thought about it. "Ok. Hop on. Only 'cause I'm really hungry and this means I can run," he said as he stopped.

"Really?! I was only joking, but..." she trailed off as she tried to climb onto his back, "be shorter."

Naruto squatted lower so that she could hold on comfortably. "You used to be so much taller than me," he said as he stood up all the way. "Alright, hang on. I'm going full speed!"

"Is that what you tell Hinata?" she said quietly.

"Huh?"

"Nothing, let's go!" she laughed.

He hadn't been lying, Shanan had to hold onto him really tight. She was reminded of any time Guy had raced anyone, especially Kakashi, and was surprised he hadn't run anyone over in his haste. Then he stopped almost abruptly. "We're here!" he said as he lowered himself to let her down. "Just so you know, you're carrying me when we go back."

They both laughed and walked through the curtain to sit at the counter of Ichiraku Ramen.

"Two Naruto Specials, please!" he said as he sat down. "Is that ok?"

"Yeah! I like all kinds of ramen!" she said as she pinched his cheek and smiled.

Naruto blushed as she let go. "Always embarrassing me..." he said, affectionately. He seemed to get a little lost in thought before suddenly clearing his throat. "So, I uh... I heard you and Shikamaru haven't seen each other since the wedding." He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly as he said it. He had never really talked to Shanan about all of it since shortly after he'd returned home, but now that it was over...

Shanan frowned slightly at the mention of his name.

"Hey... we don't have to talk about this. I didn't mean to bring it up and upset you," he said softly.

"Liar..." She smiled softly at him as she said it. She could tell he'd been meaning to bring it up for awhile.

They got their food and continued to talk as they ate.

"Yeah..." he laughed a bit. Even he sometimes forgot that he couldn't lie to her. "Sasuke said that it hasn't been easy for you. And I just wanted you to know that it hasn't been easy for Shikamaru either. But I'm proud of you guys for doing something that I know is really difficult. I kept wanting to help you through all that, but I just didn't know how to. I'm sorry."

"I really don't think you could have." She laughed as she blew on her bite of food.

Naruto chewed the gigantic bite of food he'd taken. "Well..." he said between chews, "I still wanted to."

Shanan thought for a moment as she stared down at her bowl.

"Shanan…" he said as he grabbed her forearm to reassure her.

"I just… I never meant to," she started to tear up as she glanced at Naruto's hand on her.

He continued to look at her thoughtfully, but let her speak.

She sat up straight, but kept her eyes down. "Shikamaru and I. We both tried. We would go months, if not longer…"

"I know you both really loved each other."

"We did. But… Kakashi is… the best person I've ever known. Not just in the Kaitei. Even before that." She wiped her tears quickly as the waitress passed by them. "Shikamaru made me weak. But I should've been stronger for Kakashi. I don't know why I wasn't." She tried to make it stop, but her face wouldn't stop shaking. "He deserved me to be stronger for him. And now that Shikamaru isn't occupying that part of me that was so desperately clinging to my life before the Kaitei, I see things so much more clearly. And you know, I never would've blamed Kakashi if he stopped wanting to be with me." Shanan dropped her shoulders and looked at Naruto, feeling a bit defeated. "But he's still the best person I know. I don't deserve him, but I'm going to try harder to and I won't ever hurt him or be selfish again."

"Good," he said as he pulled her in and hugged her tight. "Talk to him. You have time to make it up to him. He loves you. For some reason…" he said as he laughed.

Shanan wiped her tears and nodded as she laughed at him. "Let's change the subject… How's married life? Are you keeping Hinata happy?" she asked as she nudged him and winked.

Naruto blushed again. "Don't ask me that, idiot."

"Seriously, details," she said as she dabbed her eyes with a napkin.

"Stop..." he blushed harder and tried not to smile.

She suddenly looked at him very seriously. "Naruto, when you become a dad I'm gonna cry harder than I've ever cried. You're still a smelly little kid to me."

"Thanks," he said sarcastically. "And I know. You always cry for me."

"Sasuke too. If he ever falls in love with anyone and has a baby. I'm gonna cry every step of the way. I don't care if it makes him uncomfortable, I'm gonna do it." She was already tearing up again just thinking about it.

Naruto sighed audibly at her. He was beginning to think that none of those things would ever happen for Sasuke since they couldn't happen with Shanan. He thought about his feelings for Hinata and couldn't imagine having felt those big feelings as a kid, the way Sasuke had. He probably wouldn't want to move on from those either. "Well, I'm done. Are you gonna finish that?"

Shanan looked down at his empty bowl and wrapped her arm around her still mostly full bowl and continued to eat.

Naruto glared at her playfully and then laughed and ordered a second bowl.

They spent the next hour chatting about various other topics and when it was time to go home, Naruto was so full that Shanan actually did let him jump on her back so that she could carry him. She was pretty strong, but she didn't run. Which only meant that they could spend more time together.

"Remember when it was just the two of us?" he asked her.

"Naruto, that's all I remember. Sasuke won't let me see him, remember?!" She laughed. She was so used to it, it didn't really bother her anymore unless she really thought about it.

"Huh… I guess I never really realized that that was the case for some reason." He said thoughtfully. "Well, I remember when you used to always carry me like this. We'd spend the day out in the village running around. And I'd always be too tired to walk home. You still made me take a bath, though," he said with a laugh.

"Naruto, you were so gross when we met, I was just trying to clean the same dirt off of you for a year!"

"Shut up." He wrapped his arms around her tighter. "Thank you for being there, I was all alone, but I don't even remember that I was."

"I know. I don't remember being alone either…"

Naruto put his feet down so that he could walk next to Shanan instead of making her carry him anymore. "Come here," he said as he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in close.

Shanan slid her arm behind his back and leaned her head against him.

"You know, I should've grabbed a jacket," she said after a minute as she eyeballed his orange hoodie.

"Yeah, you should've." He kept his arm around her and they continued to walk like that the rest of the way home.

Sometimes she just needed Naruto, even if he was a bit of an idiot.

When Kakashi returned home Shanan was waiting up for him on the couch.

"I'm surprised you're still awake," he chuckled as he removed his cloak and hung it up.

He squatted in front of her to give her a kiss like always.

"I don't deserve you," she whispered shakily.

He stopped short of her lips and leaned back to look at her. He could see that she'd probably spent the entire night crying. "Shanan…"

"Let me finish. I don't want you to…" she swallowed hard as she looked away trying to still her tears. "I'm not trying to get you to disagree with me. It's the truth. I don't deserve you."

He exhaled sharply. "Is this about…"

"Shikamaru. Yes. And yes, it's still completely finished." Her chin started to quiver, but she clenched her jaw to make it stop. "It should've finished long ago. And I have no excuse."

Kakashi looked at her sympathetically.

Shanan forced herself to look him in the eyes without crying. She didn't want him to feel bad for her and not for himself. "How could you forgive me, Kakashi?" she asked desperately.

Kakashi grabbed her hand and stared down at it as he squeezed it tight. Tears rushing to his eyes. He looked up at her just as one fell. "Because of the twins…" His chest suddenly felt really heavy as his breathing deepened. He couldn't sob. They were finally having this important discussion and Shanan was using her breathing to keep calm, so he would too. He had been the one to teach Shanan that technique in the first place. "Not just them. Our entire life, Shanan… Everytime I look at you, I see us as little kids together. I see us coming back here alone after your parents died. I see me carrying you to bed after reading to you. I see our first kiss after you healed me. I see…" he looked up at her still fighting back the tears that were begging to fall from his eyes. "I see Yukiho and Hiroshi." A tear escaped and ran down over his lips before dripping onto Shanan's lap. "How much they looked like you. How much you loved singing to them…" He trailed off as he wiped his face and took a few deep breaths. "I knew you'd struggle, Shanan. I knew that." He cupped her face with his other hand and looked at her affectionately. "But… I also knew you'd find your way back to me. I knew how much you cared for me before the Kaitei, and that version never wanted to hurt me either. I know it probably seems stupid of me and it wasn't always easy, but I knew you had a life before the Kaitei and I wanted to respect the fact that you needed to sort it all out."

Shanan squeezed his hand as she looked up, still trying to stop any tears from falling. "I still see them…" she couldn't fight them anymore, but she kept her voice even as the dam broke open. "I still see them in you too. And I still see our entire lives. I still remember when all I knew was darkness and then you. And I don't know why," she covered her mouth to stop her voice from shaking. "I don't know why that small part of me held on for so long. She feels like someone else now that I've let her go. It feels like…" She looked up again as if to search for the right words. "Kakashi, I'm so sorry that that was me. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"Come here, my love," he said as he wrapped his arms around her.

Shanan didn't feel like she'd apologized enough to him. But she wasn't sure what else to say for now as she sobbed against him.

And she would still never blame him if he ever decided that he deserved better than her.