Kakashi Hatake was forty-six when he died, because he didn't want to kill the children attacking him. They reminded him of his own children, and they weren't in control of their bodies.

As sad as everyone was, his funeral was the first sunny one Shanan could ever remember attending. She wanted to hate it, but she remembered that it was what he had hoped for. And people did seem a little less gloomy, but maybe it was just the way the sun was hitting their faces.

Shanan was still very numb. It had been a few days already, but she still had a hard time believing that he was gone forever. She didn't feel like she was really there or that she even existed without him. How could she? She'd been able to see him after he'd been cleaned up. She still couldn't believe that he wasn't just asleep. And all she'd been doing was crying. She felt like a horrible mother. She knew her kids needed her, but she felt so lost without Kakashi. Sasuke had been sleeping on the couch since he and Naruto had given her the news and he did what Shanan couldn't do for them, even though he was hurting immensely too. He was there for the kids and so was Naruto and Hinata.

The memorial was what you would expect for a former Hokage. Grand. Beautiful. Everyone was there. There had been so many flowers laid on his casket that you couldn't even see it once everyone had gone through. He was so admired and revered and loved by all that knew him and knew of him.

Sasuke and Naruto stood on either side of Shanan and had been holding her up the entire time. She didn't even want to live without Kakashi, so standing up was the last thing she wanted to do. She wished it was her, but she had a feeling that Kakashi would probably, somehow, feel even more broken than she did. She'd known him for a total of fifty-three years and was with him for a total of twenty-seven years, but it still wasn't enough. She wanted eternity. If she died, would he be waiting for her in that beautiful light?

Once the service was over, Naruto and Sasuke continued to help her walk as everyone was leaving. She was reminded of when they'd walked with her down the aisle to marry Kakashi. The sudden memory of that day overwhelmed her, bringing her to her knees as she buried her face in her hands and started sobbing.

She felt someone's arms around her almost instantly.

Sasuke.

He squeezed her so tight and she squeezed him back and cried into him. Tears ran down his cheeks, much like they had all week, but he kept himself calm for her as he held her close to him.

She didn't remember coming home afterwards. But she was in her bed now. Alone. Staring at the spot that Kakashi should be. He was there less than a week ago. Struggling to let go of her. Even after all the time they'd been together, they still adored one another. They still only ever wanted to be touching and kissing and making love. Shanan laughed a little through her tears when she remembered her stupid rules in the Kaitei. She'd had no such rules in the real world. And Kakashi loved her dearly in both worlds. He loved her when she was a rigid stickler and he loved her when she was an easy-going and carefree boundary stomper. He just loved her. He accepted her. He gave her so much more love than she ever deserved. He'd done so much more for her than she'd ever done for him.

She thought about his Shi no Tenshi again. About how he'd thanked her for saving him? He never did give himself the credit he deserved. As far as she knew, he was her inspiration for most of the things she'd done in her life. He'd saved her in the real world after her parents had died, and he saved in the Kaitei after they'd died. He was the reason she didn't lose her memory there, even though she tried to. She may have saved him from darkness, but he saved her first…

As she laid there, lost in thought and in sorrow, she heard the door open and close and the sound of something being set down, but she didn't look away from Kakashi's side of the bed. She was trying to will him into being alive again and happy and next to her, until she fell asleep.

Hours later, when she woke up, she was disappointed to see that he still wasn't there looking back at her. He'd been in all of her dreams and each one had felt real. So the heartbreak of him being gone struck her hard as emptiness began to consume her again.

She sat up slowly to wipe her tears from the side of her face, where they'd already pooled as she cried onto her pillow and saw the tray at the end of the bed. Sasuke had made her something to eat. There was also a white flower and a note that said "I'm here," which she knew already. He was always there for her and had been since he'd come home and she'd always appreciated everything he'd done. She forced herself to eat bits of the food to settle her stomach. She wasn't hungry, but she hadn't eaten in days, so her body appreciated the small amount of nourishment.

Even before Kakashi had gone, she didn't like being in their bed without him. The few short years they'd slept apart in the Kaitei had been very difficult and she never wanted to do that again.

Once she nibbled some of the food, she put the tray back and laid back down. She kept thinking about Kakashi's favorite song as she grabbed his pillow and held it close to her as she cried and sang herself back to sleep.

"Untouchable memories

Seem to keep haunting me

Of a love so true,

That once turned all my gray skies blue

But you disappeared,

Now my eyes are filled with tears

And I'm wishing you were here with me

Soaked with love all my thoughts of you

Now that you're gone I just don't know what to do…"

Once again, all she dreamed about was Kakashi. Sometimes they were kids. Sometimes they were adults. Sometimes they were memories. Sometimes it was nonsense, but still beautiful because he was there and she could see him and hear his voice. She could hold him and breathe in his scent. She never once thought that she'd receive a dying message from him. Sasuke had placed her really well. Shi no Tenshi always was easier if you knew the people...

When she woke up this time, it was the middle of the night and she decided to go and check on the twins. First Hiroshi, then Yukiho.

She could tell that they'd both cried themselves to sleep, which only made her cry for them too. She and Kakashi had both lost their parents at a young age. So she knew what they were going through and she felt like such a failure for not helping them through their grief the way she was supposed to.

When she finally walked out of Yuki's room, Sasuke was leaning on the bathroom door waiting for her. She flashed back to Kakashi standing there after their fight as kids. And the tears fell harder as she went up and cried into him. He wrapped her so tight for as long as she needed. She knew he felt responsible for not saving Kakashi and was also sad that he'd lost his dear friend and Sensei.

"Do you wanna come and sit?" he asked her shakily.

Shanan's face was still buried in his chest, but she nodded slowly. He loosened his grip on her and helped guide her to the couch. She couldn't really see through her tears in the dark anyway. He helped her sit down and pulled her right back into his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Shanan," he whispered. He still wished it had been him. Why couldn't her chakra have come out before he died? Anything for her not to feel this way. He was heartbroken himself, but he could feel Shanan's feelings too and he hadn't felt this amount of sadness in so long, if ever. The closest he'd come was during the war when Itachi had assured him that he would love him always before leaving him again. And he hated that she was feeling anything close to that.

Being out of the bedroom felt a little easier. It reminded her of when Kakashi was working late as Hokage and Sasuke and her would fall asleep on the couch and she would wake up in her bed with Kakashi. She knew she'd wake up on the couch this time, but she could pretend that she wouldn't for a while. The thought helped her to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep and the familiar feeling of their chakra cycling was also very calming.