I'm back! Okay, I lied, it is an entire week later, but I am here. Thank you greatly for all reviews received! Would've been up on Friday, but something was wrong with the site and it was refusing to let me log in.

In case you were wondering why I keep referring to David Tennant / the Doctor as a vampire, please go and read 'The Christmas Diversion' (go to my profile). In it I offer more evidence to support my theory. And unless he offers conclusive proof otherwise – i.e. States clearly 'I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!' I will go on believing that he is. Or at least that the Doctor is one now.

Disclaimer: Last time I said I don't own Doctor Who or David Tennent. This is entirely correct. I also don't own David TennAnt. But I do apologise for the constant spelling mistake.

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2 – 'Sir Doctor of TARDIS'

'Trouble And Radioactive Doom Inside Ship' ((Thanks to Clarinut for this!))

On a random windswept moor we have a random windswept procession of monks. Or they might be lepers. Or, taking a cue from the last series, they might even be robots. But for the sake of convenience I shall call them monkeys. The Doctor does.

But anyway, these monkeys arrive at their destination: the suspiciously-titled Torchwood House. I'm thinking it's the 'Bad Wolf' of this series. The monkeys' request is laughed at and they take offence…by transforming into Buddhist Warrior Monks ((honestly, bright orange robes. They'll never see that coming…)). They then proceed to pull off some very Matrix-esque moves (with the help of a slow-mo camera) while kicking the stuffing out of all their opposition. And then the monkeys take over the house, locking all non-essential personnel in the basement. Apart from the one with the slight shred of intelligence who ran and hid.

But they think they've gotten everyone because they're secure in the knowledge that they're all-powerful (even though they're not. But don't bruise their egos by telling them so). Afterwards, they unveil their Ultra-mega-wow-superweapon-that-will-guarentee-the-success-of-their-Evil-Plan-unless-of-course-the-Doctor-makes-an-appearance-type-monster-…-thing. Funnily enough, for once the leader of the bad guys seems to know he's in the wrong. It's not going to stop him, but at least he knows. Random-Lady-of-the-house shrieks at it but the camera cuts to the credits before we're allowed to see what she's shrieking at.

Last Timelord is rockin' out in the

'Totally Awesome (but) Retarded (and) Dead Impressive Spaceship' ((My thanks to Luna Lovegood5. Thank you for all of your reviews!)) to a hit from 1979 and Rsoe suggests they go there so that she can see him in full 'punk' mode.

This time he wasn't even vaguely close, a full century off-target. Appalling. He needs to learn to drive. Maybe we can attribute this landing to his …'percussive' method of steering: (Hit it to go left. Hit it a bit harder to go right. (You don't want to know how to make it jump time)). Anyway, they walk out and the Doctor's hands are automatically up even before all the guards have finished pointing their weapons at him. Methinks he's been in this situation too much, if that's the way he instinctively reacts – hands up, look innocent: 'Whatever it was, I didn't do it,'

For some reason, our alien actually wants to have a proper alias this time and so picks the name of one of his previous companions.

After concocting an obviously fake story in an obviously genuine accent (it's the voice that counts), Dr James and his… naked 'timorous beastie' are called into the royal presence. Queen Vic takes one look at the blank piece of paper and immediately says that it states he's her Knight in Shining Armour. Trouble looks bemused as he studies the very blank paper before saying:

"Err…yes? Of course it does?" the queen grins encouragingly at him.

"You catch on quick," she compliments "Now, where's your Shining Armour?"

"Umm…got dirty?" he tries. She scowls: a knight ((No, sorry: a Knight)) who let his armour get dirty? Second-rate!

Anyhue, they arrive at the Spooky Manor house after Rose makes a bet that she's going to spend the rest of the episode making a fool of herself. No... wait, that was my bet after hearing hers. Random-disposable-dude-of-the-house greets them and tries to hint quite subtly that all is not as it seems. The only person to pick up on this is the vampire (it's overcast, okay? That's why he's out in daylight) and he's just waiting for an adventure so doesn't say anything at this point.

An extremely suspicious object is also brought inside under heavy guard, but we're not allowed to know what it is. Yet. It is, of course, quite obviously the key-important artefact without which the Doctor's eventual plan to save their skins wouldn't work, but we don't know what it is.

The werewolf hastily brings a finger to his lips and shushes me before I reveal too much of the plot.

On the obligatory tour of the building (clearly designed so they know where they're supposed to be running to later when they're in a life-threatening situation. Just so they don't run into a dead end) the Timelord inspects the telescope. The one that is equally obviously going to be making an appearance later on.

All the guards stupidly fall for the 'Take a drink to restore your strength. What's that? Hee hee, oops, it must be drugged, you should've seen that one coming. Call yourselves royal guards? Pathetic!' strategy. At the same time Rose decides that nakedness will give her much more freedom to run up and down the corridors later, once the werewolf inevitably escapes. And then Rose discovers Random-servant-with-a-slight-shred-of-intelligence. If she had more then just a slight shred, she would have known to stay in the cupboard and let Rose go out alone. But no, they both get captured.

Up in the dining room, under protest, Random-traitor-lord-dude tells them a story.

Underground, Rose uses her tried and tested method for approaching alien species: "Hello?". Very original, Rose. But soon the villain can't wait to reveal his plan of world domination ahead of schedule and Rose is convinced that she's found a bad guy. Yes dear, most people in cages are there for reason.

Traitor-lord-dude continues his tale with much rolling of the eyes and significant jerks of the head. Finally, our alien can't stand it any longer and points out the bad guy in the room. Who's chanting Latin. 'Lupus deus est!' – 'The wolf is god'…how much more un-subtle could he be? I mean, really?

Before the Doctor can do any worse then yell at him however, he receives a knock on his 'Damn-!-Rose-is-about-to-be-killed-and-I-really-ought-to-go-save-her' sense and runs off.

So much for being Queen V's protector, she's forced to do the dirty work all by herself.

Although, it's just as well he does run off at that point, because he gets down to the basement in time to greet the werewolf as it emerges from the cage.

"Greetings, fellow brother of the night," he says in mind-talk "Swear allegiance to me and you'll receive 20 of the spoils from my rampage!" In reply, the werewolf chucks the cage lid at him. Unsurprisingly our vampire ducks and runs off, yelling over his shoulder "Okay! 50, even split!"

Her majesty has meanwhile shifted herself to save the random box that is somehow important.

Back to Trouble, who's once again trying to reason with the wolf: "…My, what big teeth you have Grandmamma!" ((Just me, or does anyone else think that he does a very good startled-deer-caught-in-the-headlamps look here?)) Predictably, the werewolf charges round the corner after him…and gets shot. No silver though.

So everyone retreats upstairs. Apart from those who are too stupid to listen to the Doctor's advice. His eyes gleam at the sight of all the blood but he controls the urge and scarpers.

Cue a rather lengthy chase in which the same pieces of set are used several times. For all we know, they could actually be running up and down the same corridors to confuse the wolf. Or they're lost. Despite the tour earlier.

They make it to the library, where they carefully barricade the door they came in by. Then Trouble carefully asks if that's the only one in this room. Lord-of-the-house-dude replies that it is, before spotting a wide-open door that he could have sworn was not there a moment ago. Or last week. Or however long he's had this house.

But they're safe for the moment and so Queen Victoria takes the opportunity to have a good rant at Mr. I'm-very-good-at-forgetting-what-my-accent's-supposed-to-be. Who then explains that really I've been calling it the wrong thing: it's not a werewolf, no. It's a (clears throat) Lupine-wavelength Haemovariform! Everyone looks at him with varying expressions of 'Huh?'. He takes no notice.

For some reason our vampire licks the wall and nearly chokes before realising that it's not coated in garlic and it's the wolf who's allergic to mistletoe and not him. Following this, he feels he needs more respect and dons the Glasses-Of-Looking-Knowledgeable before arming himself with a dangerous weapon: a small-bore heavy automatic…book.

Some time later he finds a clue and Queen Vic reveals the mysterious object to be a diamond. And not just any diamond. The sight of all that shinyness does something to our vampire's brain and he needs to seriously mess up his hair before he can think straight. Just in time too as the wolf drops in to re-negotiate his earlier offer. Trouble's not listening though as he runs off and tries to find the observatory from before. On the way Traitor-lord-dude gets all noble and sacrifices himself. With a moment taken straight from …what is it? The bit where he stands there, sword at his side, right before the wolf attacks. Where's that from? Anyone?

Once in the observatory, Queen V provides their best defence yet…her faith. (No, not in the Doctor). And maybe because of that, they get the device working and save the day. 'Cept that now the queen might just be a werewolf. Or her descendents are.

For their actions, our vampire and Naked-Rose are knighted. For enjoying it so much, they're banished. And I think Queen Victoria does an even better impression of an angry lion then the Doctor did before (in 'The Christmas Diversion') as she does a Lion King and snarls: 'Leave this place and never return!'. Despite the fact they've already come back to England…or is it: they already will have come back? Ahh, the confusion of tenses that time-travel causes…

In an obvious attempt at foreshadowing Victoria later threatens the absent Doctor with the whole 'Torchwood project' thing. Personally, I bet that they come back to this time period again while Queen V remembers them. Wonder what she'll do in response to them breaking the banishment?

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Summary of the Synopsis: They (partially) save her majesty, but they do save the world. And get themselves banished in the process.

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Hmmm? Review? Pretty please? Plus any extra TARDIS acronyms you might happen to think of. I accept sane and not-so-sane answers gladly!

Next time : Ricky alerts them to some strange occurrences, and they end up infiltrating a school. Rose is relegated to kitchen staff while the Doc enrols as a teacher (and wears the glasses for all the respect he can get). Some old companions make an appearance too...

Tai