Author's note: Grace talks about her feeling for Luke in this one. I came up with it a while ago, but I didn't work on it in a while. Plus, I needed a break from "Cabin by the Lake". Bit of writers block there.
A/N2: After I posted it the first time, I remembered that I had forgotten to include a scene, and there was this big gap where it was supposed to be.
-----------------------------------------------
I was never supposed to feel this way. Never in a million years was I going to feel like this.
Or so I thought.
The feeling was like. I can't bring myself to even mutter the "L" word. I've never used it, before him.
Okay, so maybe I used it when I was younger and didn't know better; didn't know about the corruption and the problems and all that stuff. But it has been years, and I mean years, that I have muttered that word to describe my feelings for someone.
I wasn't good with the whole "share your feelings" thing. No matter how hard Joan would plea and beg, I would not open up. I couldn't, for the sake of my sanity.
Walls and shields had lined my heart since I was 11, right after I realized my mother was an alcoholic and my father couldn't care less. After my friend Becky left, I realized I couldn't depend on anyone but myself.
---
I watched Becky run from my house as if it was on fire. In a way, it was. I was so angry, I felt as if I could have burnt my mother with my glare.
I tried to wake my mother, but to no avail. Her breath smelt strongly of alcohol, and a nearly empty bottle lay on the floor near my mother's body. I called my father, but he told me that he would take care of it later. "Keep her to her side," was the advice he gave me before hanging up.
I screamed and smashed things, pictures of us together, memories of trips, anything showing my mother and I happy together. I threw things across the room, sobbing so hard I felt that I was just going to drown in my tears. Hours passed, and I had fallen to the ground feeling numb, empty and completely drained.
Never could I rely on my parents again.
-----
Adam Rove and I were friends, I don't deny it. But we were never close. Our mothers knew each other. That's how we met. But when Mrs. Rove killed herself, it was her death that drove my mother to the bottle. But Rove and I never talked about it.
It was pretty much a mutual agreement.
But Joan Girardi had to come into the picture and screw it all up. She had to be the one that tried to get me to talk about it all, everything I've ever felt. But I couldn't do it.
She kept pushing and I kept pushing back. No one was allowed to know how I felt.
Luke Girardi was my downfall.
I pushed him away, but he kept coming back. The harder I tried, the stronger he bounced back. That geek disassembled those walls piece by piece. I didn't figure it out until it was too late. Too late to pull back, too late to push away. Too late to forget my feelings.
When he started dating Glynis, I was heart broken. Against my will, I had let the geek break my shields, and I ended getting burned.
But I didn't show it.
I held up the pretense that I was glad that he was chasing another girl, when in fact it tore me apart. Even when I saw them sucking face in the hall, I had to remind myself he wasn't mine, and that I didn't have the right to be jealous. Unfortunately, since I am of the female gender- if you're so dense you didn't know-, it took all my strength not to beat the crap out of Glynis and tell her to leave my man alone.
My man- and if you repeat it to anyone, you will be not be living much longer.
I caved when Joan got sick. He walked me home, and all those feelings just bubbled up, which made me kiss him. It wasn't the first time we kissed, but that first one hardly counts. It was just to prove to Friedman that I did not like girls.
---
We walked side by side as he walked me home. I told him he could have gone home with him brother, but he told me it would be "un-gentlemanly".
"This is a lot of walking. Do you always walk this much?" he asked.
"It's where I do my thinking." I was starting to get tiered of Luke acting like he likes me, then pretending I don't exist. I didn't like it, because it was how I was acting.
He began talking about the stars, and something about light pollution. I ignored it, but a question was still nagging at me, and so I asked him about it. "Why did you give me rock?"
Luke looked stunned for a moment. "A geode," he corrected. I told him that to me, it was a rock.
"It was a gesture of friendship... and possibly courtship."
I laughed. "Courtship? I think that went out with the corset or the walkman or something." He answered with something that sounded like 'I don't follow trends'.
My glee was short lived as another question popped into my mind. "Did you break up with Glynis for me?" He muttered something like 'ridiculous', but his eyes betrayed him. I agreed with him that it was ridiculous.
I started to walk away when he called me back. "Why would it be ridiculous?"
"I'm your sister's friend"
"Right."
"I'm older than you.
"By a year. Eight months to be exact."
"I have a reputation. I worked hard to build it. Know what it is?"
"You hate me." Those words nearly cut my heart. I thought he thought I disliked him. Never did I think my actions would be taken harder than intended.
"I'm anti." I didn't agree nor deny the statement, but I knew it was a matter of time before Luke would ask me about it again. He asked me how I was anti, and in response I asked him "What do you got?"
"You're never going to fall in love." It was true. I had promised myself never to fall in love. But, I had fallen in like, even if my answer was that I never was going to fall in like. I told him that I wouldn't let myself be courted by a geek, and what would people think if it got around that Luke was giving me things.
But he made a good point. "What do you care what people think, I mean, if you're anti? Shouldn't you like the idea of us, if you're so anti?" I told him that I wasn't that anti. Even I have my limits. "Oh, so you're moderately anti."
I so desperately wanted to punch him. He kept on rambling about love, and brain chemicals. "I'm not into you!" I yelled, more trying to convince myself it to be true. I looked at him for a moment, eyes seemingly hurt, before kissing him.
----
This kiss was so much more. It was like those cheesy romance films that people like to watch, where two people who obviously like each other end up walking together in the rain, arguing until they kiss.
I didn't expect the chain of events that happen, to have, well, happened. That summer was strange. Joan was off to crazy camp and Adam hid from the world in his shed, no doubt creating works of art to show his feelings. As for me, I met up with Luke, secretly of course, almost everyday. We didn't talk about our feelings, or what our relationship was. We talked about mutual stuff, school, politics, Joan, that sort of stuff. But, it was mostly 5 minutes of making out, and Luke pleading for more with unspoken words.
I wanted to give in. Oh, how badly I wished it could have been longer.
But I didn't trust myself enough.
I didn't want to give in to my heart. I didn't want to give in to my feelings. I didn't want to give in to Luke.
Unfortunately, my heart had other plans.
On his birthday, I let the world know that the geek now belonged to me, and I could never take it back. But, even then, I knew I could never go back to how it was before. I could never go back to my old self. Not after I've had a taste of this life.
Life of happiness and comfort.
We continued with our relationship until I was leaving for college. We had an open relationship, but we kept the kissing and stuff behind closed doors. Such as the bio closet, which was our place.
I broke it off when I left for college. Luke still had another year of high school left, then he too would be off. We would both be meeting new people, and I knew that Luke would meet someone like him. It would be better for the both of us, no matter how much it hurt us both.
---
"But Grace..."
"Look geek, I'm sorry, okay? But you're still in high school, and I'm off to college. Long distance won't work."
-------
I knew that it was bull, since I was about an hour away. But I did it for him, so he could be free to date someone like him.
Once again, my heart was broken because of this geek.
I refused to talk to him, or acknowledge him if I went over to the Girardi house. I didn't explain to him why we broke up, only that it wouldn't work. I never even got to tell him how I was feeling.
I had fallen in love.
No matter how much I told myself that I could not be in love, that I could not have fallen for the geek, the terrible truth was that I had. I had fallen completely and totally, head-over-heels in love. And I didn't know how to cope. So I ran, like I always do.
College was horrible for me. My mind kept wondering what Luke was doing, or who he was with. I wondered if he moved on, if he met someone better than me.
But my heart told me otherwise.
Luke hadn't been able to date a geek like himself. He had dated me, the complete opposite of the geek he was. He had kept my secrets, he held me as I cried- the few times I actually did- and respected me for who I was and what I believed in.
If that's not love, I don't know what is.
We met again at the Girardi's house. After three years of college, and a year of work for me, we met up. Joan and Adam had invited everyone over to announce their engagement.
-----
Joan was giggling. "Adam and I are engaged!" she nearly screamed out, looking as if she was about to explode.
Everyone cheered and shouted, congratulating the couple. Everyone knew they would end up together... like Luke and I should be. But, I pushed that thought out of my mind, put on my cheeriest face, and went to congratulate my two best friends.
"Hey you guys. Congrats. Rove, if you ever need someone to talk about Girardi's craziness, you've always got me." I saw a smile on both Joan and Adam's faces, as if they were hiding some secret only known to them.
Adam smiled and nodded.
----
I went outside to clear my head, breathing in the fresh spring air. Thinking back, I remembered that it was around this time that Luke and I first kissed, the real first kiss. Sadness constricted my heart, making my chest feel tight. How I longed to have his arms around me once again, kissing me and holding me tight. How I longed for his body pressed against mine, our lips declaring what we cannot say in words.
Almost by wish, I could smell his irresistible smell behind me. I sighed involuntarily, and heard a noise behind me. I whipped around, and saw Luke standing there, his blue eyes shining brightly.
----
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, trying my best not to notice how much he changed. He no longer wore glasses, having gotten laser eye surgery, and now stood at 5'11''. He no longer looked like the geeky teen I remembered, but more of a man.
"Grace..."
"No! You can't do this to me."
"Do what?"
"This! Corner me, and try to get me to talk to you. I know what you want! You want to know why I broke up with you. I'll tell you, but you have to leave me alone. I broke up with you because I knew you could do better than me!"
----
By this point, I had lost all of my dignity and I broke down crying. Luke moved towards me and I slapped him. He staggered back a moment before trying to comfort me once again. He grabbed my wrists, making sure I could not inflict anymore pain. I fought him, but it was no use. He had become stronger than me.
He slammed me into the wall against the house, and I could feel the tension between us build up. The unresolved sexual tension bubbled to the surface, and before I could think of what I was doing, I kissed him.
It wasn't like our first kiss. This one was much more passionate and fiery. This kiss made me feel like everything was just as it was supposed to be, and the pain shredding my heart dissolved.
Luke and I re-entered the party an hour later, trying to act as if nothing happened. I hopelessly tried to retie my shirt, and Luke was trying to brush off some of the dirt that had gotten on his pants.
Joan looked at me funnily, but did not comment. I gave Luke a smile, and walked towards Joan, feeling like I was walking on cloud nine.
----
Joan got married a few months later, with me being her matron on honor and Luke being Adam's best man. Luke and I would meet up in secret, very much like when we first started dating, thought it got a lot hotter than it did when we were younger.
Luke proposed after Joan and Adam got back from their honeymoon, and that night we made love for the first time. Never again would I doubt my love for Luke, or doubt his love for me.
----------------------------------------------
Author's note: I know it's horrible, but I had to write this. I'll probably have a companion story to this one, with Luke's side of the story. I'll also probably write it if I get another writer's block on "Cabin by the Lake".