The sun was setting, the room gradually grew darker and darker until the candles lit themselves. The sudden light brought Draco back to reality, he sat up and looked around at the tiny room that was his sanctuary – his prison. His eyes settled on the door, it wasn't locked but it wasn't the thing keeping him here. Beyond that door lay the rest of Hogwarts, beyond it lay people, faces, stares and questions. He shut his eyes, imagining the looks of pity he would receive out there,
'No!' he scolded himself, they were out there and he was in here and that was how it was going to stay. Dumbledore had said that he could stay here for as long as he needed and that was just what he was going to do. He stood up to stretch the stiffness from his muscles and started to walk around the floor. A strange smell floated through the air to his nose. He frowned and looked around, there was a silver tray sitting on the table by the door, covered by a silver lid. He lifted it, noting that no steam escaped from beneath it.
Draco looked down at the tray of cold food on the table. How long had it been there? He hadn't even heard the House Elf deliver it. He prodded at the single pork chop on the plate, having no real intention of eating it. He wasn't hungry, he couldn't remember the last time he had been. He raised a hand and rubbed his eyes, they were heavy with exhaustion and they stung. His breathing slowed and darkness threatened to overtake him again. Draco ground his teeth, banishing all thoughts of sleep and of the dreams that would be sure to follow. He replaced the cover on his meal and turned away, his eyes settled on the pile of the books beside the tray on the table,
'I find that immersing myself in work often helps me through stressful times,' he heard Dumbledore's voice in his head as clearly as if he was standing beside him. The Headmaster visited him everyday, always with a kind word and an offer to listen. But Draco didn't want to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. Talking hurt, thinking hurt, there were times when living hurt almost too much for him to stand. The world seemed to grow colder as he turned and walked over to the bed. The great chasm of despair inside him opened up to swallow him again. He felt his mind start to drift toward it, to the memories and feelings that started to overwhelm him,
"No," he whispered to the empty air, "Not again," he drew his will in and concentrated, extending his mind into the Ether. A thousand different sensations washed over him, the insane complexity of the multitude of minds and souls in the castle. Their combined effects on the Ether stirred it into a maelstrom. Blissful chaos. Compared to that, Draco's mind was insignificant, even to him.
The current of thoughts and emotions flowed over and through him as he drifted with only the vaguest of intent, moving on instinct toward his goal. A slight flicker in the sensation told him he was getting close. He narrowed his focus slightly, drawing towards the feelings he was searching for. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as the connection formed,
'Stop it, you know how I…I…I hate to be tickled,' a girl's voice sounded in his head. The thought was faint, he barely heard it, but that wasn't what he wanted. The sensation of pure giddy joy flooded into him and he laughed. Not hard, but he laughed, for a moment. The simple pleasure faded all too quickly. The source – he didn't even know who it was, stopped laughing. Their emotions changed to sorrow. That wasn't what he wanted to feel.
Draco broke the connection but didn't return to the real world. Instead he moved off, searching for another happy soul to contact, another source of joy to ease his pain. It wasn't hard to find one, with so many minds in the school, locating a happy one wasn't difficult. The happy feelings returned and he smiled again briefly until they too started to fade and he was forced to move on. Again and again he repeated this, over and over, ignoring the growing pain of the effort until his head hurt too much to carry on. The Ether faded as his senses closed in. He shut his eyes and fell back onto the bed, letting out long, slow breaths as he started to heal and the pain faded,
"Does that really make you feel better?" Eteans voice echoed through the room, even though he had spoken quietly, Draco sighed,
"Does sneaking up on people make you feel better?" Etean laughed,
"Sometimes, yes!" Draco sat up as Etean stepped into the light. He paused to look at the dinner tray, "You didn't miss much, the pork was a little tough,"
"I wasn't hungry,"
"I can see that Dr…"
"And I'm not in the mood for company at the moment Etean," Draco forced as good a stern tone as he could manage, Etean paused,
"I know you're not. Why else would you be hiding up here?"
"I am not hiding Etean,"
"Well, what are you doing then? What have you been doing for the last ten days Draco?"
"I…ten days?" Had it been that long? Etean nodded slowly,
"That's how long you have been up here, not hiding," Draco frowned, had it really been over a week? It felt more like…actually he wasn't sure how long it felt like. What little sleep he had been getting was sporadic and uncomfortable. The waking hours were a blur of pain mixed with false happiness drained from others. He shook his head,
"I didn't realise…I lost track of…" he gave up mid sentence, not caring about what he was about to say. He looked up at Etean, his expression was blank, lacking the pity that Draco dreaded seeing,
"I know you did," he spoke quietly, "I have been keeping an eye on you,"
"You knew I was here? Dumbledore said he wasn't going to tell anyone," he shook his head again and sighed as he remembered, "But that wouldn't matter to you would it? No thought is private around Robert Etean,"
"Some thoughts are private Draco. But yes, I knew where you were, I knew from the moment they brought you here,"
"So why did you stay away? Why didn't you…" he paused again and swallowed against the lump forming in his throat. Etean took a step closer,
"Why didn't I what? Help you? Make it all better? How? What could I say that would take away the pain?"
"I don't know,"
"Well I do," Draco looked up at him in surprise, "I stayed away because I knew that there was no point in my coming here. I knew what you were feeling, what you are still feeling, and I know that there is nothing that I or anyone else can say or do that will make a blind bit of difference. The pain is part of you now, you have to adjust to it in whatever way you can and in your time," Anger boiled up inside Draco, he stood and advanced on Etean,
"You know how I feel?" he barked out a laugh, "You think that a quick look inside my head, a brief examination of…of whatever you see in there…You think that means that you know how I feel? Fuck you Etean," he turned his back, staring at the wall,
"Draco…"
"I don't want to hear it Etean. I don't want to play your stupid games anymore. Do you hear me? I'm finished, I'm done! Just fuck off and leave me alone will you!"
"Listen to me Draco,"
"I said," he spun to hit Etean, "FUCK…" that was all he managed. By the time he turned, Etean wasn't where he was supposed to be. In the instant he realised that his fist was only going to hit empty air, Draco was suddenly bent double as a blow landed in his gut and knocked the wind out of him. He dropped to his knees and clutched at his stomach. A strong hand seized him behind his neck and hoisted him off the floor, depositing him on the bed. Etean leaned down and seized the front of Draco's robes,
"That is the second time you have allowed your anger to control you, both times you have made stupid, rash decisions," Draco set his jaw, the anger still seethed inside him,
"So what? They were mine to make,"
"True, they were yours to make and you made them. You chose the wrong way…I chose to stop you. That was my choice Draco, now I wonder why I bothered," he released Draco and stood up. Draco sat up awkwardly and rubbed his gut. Etean turned and walked a few paces away, "And for the record, I didn't look into your mind to know how you feel, though I could have. The truth is I don't need to, I remember the feeling all too well,"
"What are you talking about?"
"My father,"
"Your…"
"He killed himself," the silence that followed was almost solid. Etean paused before slowly turning around, his face bore no expression, "Oh I won't bore you with the details, the whys or the wherefores. Sufficed to say, he believed that he had made a mistake, one that couldn't be undone, one that was serious enough to warrant his death," Etean took a breath then slowly started to walk around the bed, "So, he got his hands on some poison – a very rare and expensive poison at that," he paused, both his speech and his movement, "I don't even know its name – huh! Strange that that never occurred to me before…" he shrugged, "Whatever it was called, it was untreatable and it killed him…slowly. Over the course of two weeks he wasted away until nothing but a shell remained and then…" he paused and took a breath, "With me as the only witness, he died," Etean stopped and looked down at Draco, the look in his eyes showed no emotion, he had buried it all. Draco paused, searching for something to say,
"I'm sorry," was the best he could come up with, Etean laughed, the sound jarred against Draco's ears,
"For what? For trying to hit me or for my father dying right in front of me?" Draco shrugged,
"Both, I suppose," Etean waved him off,
"Don't be, one was a mistake and the other…well, just forget it," he walked slowly over to the rooms single window and drew the curtains shut, blocking out the remaining sunlight. Etean paused and sighed as he released the curtains, "Go on then, ask me?" Draco was confused, ask him what? What was he supposed to ask him? "You were going to ask me how I got over my father's death," he turned and looked at Draco, the same, nothing expression hiding whatever he was really feeling. Draco opened his mouth to speak, but could only nod in response. Etean shut his eyes and sat against the window, "Who said I did get over it?"
"But…"
"I learned to cope with it, to be honest I don't really understand how, but you were a large part of it," Draco frowned,
"Me?" Etean nodded,
"My father died in February, and despite the fact that I couldn't care less about inheriting his titles and duties, there were some," he lifted his hand, the silver ring glinted in the candlelight, "that I couldn't ignore. I inherited this," he turned his hand round and looked at the ring, "and with it, my fathers place on the Council. That was when I learned about the Ascension. There were plans to be made, decisions to be considered and a hundred other things to be done. So I just buried myself in work, in the job I had to do," he smiled and raised his arms gesturing at the room, "And here I am," Draco sighed,
"Glad I could be so much help," Eteans expression darkened for an instant before he shook it off,
"Yes well, we aren't talking about me are we? We are talking about you,"
"I said I don't want to talk about it Etean," Etean paused, then nodded,
"Ok, so we don't talk about you," he pointed at the door, "How about we talk about them?"
"Who?"
"Them, the other students in this school and how this tragedy has affected them," Draco stood, feeling a fresh surge of anger,
"What the fuck has this to do with them?" Etean shrugged,
"Beats me, but it must have something to do with them because it has certainly affected them,"
"What are you on about?"
"Something I noticed this week, a general trend in their emotions. On several occasions, I have noticed seemingly happy people suddenly break down in tears for no apparent reason. If the stress of the current situation in the world, or the shock of what happened to you isn't the cause, then I wonder what could be?" he looked at Draco and raised an eyebrow, waiting for Draco to answer the question. Draco paused, then it hit him,
"Me? I have been doing it to them? How?" Etean leaned back,
"What were you doing when I arrived?"
"I…well I…Oh!" Etean nodded,
"Right, oh!"
"I didn't mean to…I mean I didn't realise that it was affecting them. I just…it made the pain go away, sort of anyway,"
"I know, siphoning emotions from others is a tricky business. It takes a great deal of skill and willpower not to allow your own emotions to bleed off into them at the same time,"
"I get it," Draco said, even though he didn't, he was well used to not quite following what Etean was talking about in a conversation,
"It also happens to be illegal in most circumstances. I didn't teach it to you because I didn't feel as if it was something you needed to know. How did you figure out how to do it?" Draco shrugged,
"I don't know I just…" he thought back, when was the first time he had done it? Oh yes, the flight class, "I was standing at that window, staring out into space. Trying to stop…" he took a breath to settle himself, "trying to stop the…the noise in my head. I looked out, there were a class of first years out there, learning to ride brooms. I watched them fly and swoop, they were laughing…the joy of flying. I wanted to remember how it felt. I wanted to feel that way again. I was…trying so hard…and it just happened, I felt my mind reach out to them, past their thoughts to the feelings underneath," he shut his eyes, "I felt them, I shared their joy,"
"You took their joy, sucked it right out of them,"
"I didn't know that,"
"Yes you did, you must have. You felt their emotions change, felt the joy leave them. Gradually at first, then quicker and quicker as your mind greedily sucked them dry and moved on, leaving them crying, sorrowful shells," Draco felt Etean push out, entering his mind. Faces started to flash before his eyes, girls, boys, some he recognised, some he didn't, all crying, all filled with despair. He rocked back,
"Stop it Etean," he grabbed at his temple and concentrated, trying to block the deluge of images, "I get the point," they stopped, he looked over to see Etean nod at him,
"Good, I hope you do. Because you need to understand that while I understand why you did what you did, I cannot allow you to keep doing it. It's not right to do that to others so indiscriminately, and it's dangerous,"
"Dangerous? How?"
"It's addictive," he stood and walked forward, "In the past, it used to be a…well you could call it a vice within the Circle. It was outlawed a century ago when the debilitative effects were fully understood," Draco shook his head in an attempt to dispel the remaining painful images,
"I don't understand,"
"Living the lives, feeling the emotions of others is an escape Draco, you understand that part well enough don't you?" Draco nodded, "Well escape can be a bad thing if used too much. If you continually seek to escape from reality, from duty and responsibility, from…life itself, then you aren't really living at all are you?" Draco didn't answer, he sensed that Etean didn't really want one. He turned and sat on the bed, feeling even emptier than before. Reaching out to experience the feelings of others had been his one defence against the void inside him, his one…escape…and now it too was gone. Etean had taken it from him. He had nothing left, the void would come to take him again and he would have no way to stop it, no escape.
But so what? What did it matter if a few people felt bad if it meant he could survive? He shut his eyes, the images flashed past him again, tearful expressions and empty looks. Those people were in pain…his pain. Their suffering was his fault!
No! Etean was right, what he was doing was hurting people and he had to stop. He sighed. It hadn't occurred to him that he was doing harm, or had it? He had felt the happy emotions fade to sorrow almost instantly after he contacted them, he just hadn't allowed himself to see that he was the cause. Merlin! He was hurting people, willingly causing them to feel the pain that he was too scared to feel. What kind of monster was he? What kind of coward?
"Kill me," he said quietly,
"What did you say?" Draco turned to look Etean in the eye,
"I said kill me," Etean stared at him for a moment then shook his head,
"No Draco, I'm not going to kill you," Draco stood up,
"Why not?" Etean's eyebrows shot up in surprise,
"Do you really want me to answer that? I'm not going to kill you because I don't want to, and you don't really want me to either,"
"Yes I do," Draco ground his teeth and balled his fists as he stared into Etean's eyes, desperate to make him understand, "You said I had a choice Etean. Live or die it was up to me, remember?"
"I remember,"
"Well I told you I'm done. I'm through trying to save the fucking world. So you may as well kill me, you have your answer,"
"It's that simple for you is it, you choose to die, just like that?"
"Don't make fun of me Etean, I'm being serious here," Etean moved round from behind the bed, coming face to face with Draco,
"So am I, you wouldn't believe how much," his face didn't change but his stance did. He set his fists on his hips and leaned his head to the side, "So tell me why you want to die,"
"What the fuck kind of question is that Etean?"
"A simple one really. You're done? You quit? Tell me why,"
"You know why?"
"I'm pretty sure I do, but I want to know if you do," Draco raised his hand and jabbed a finger at Etean,
"Don't start with the mind games Etean, I told you I'm fed up playing,"
"Fed up?" he laughed, possibly the coldest laugh Draco had ever heard, "Tough!" he started to move, circling Draco, "This is one game you will play Draco. But like all the best games, this one is real because we're playing for keeps – playing for your life,"
"I don't want my life,"
"As you have said, but you have yet to tell me why?" Draco's eyes closed in frustration. He was starting to feel dizzy with Etean stalking round and round him,
"Stop asking me that,"
"No, this is my game, and my rules, so I won't stop asking until you answer," there was silence as he paused for a moment, "Well?" Draco stepped away, wanting to put some distance between himself and Etean,
"I said stop asking me that," he felt a sudden motion, followed by blinding pain as Etean slammed him into the wall. He held him there, his feet barely touching the ground, glaring up at him,
"And I said NO!" he tightened his grip on Draco's robes, the pressure he was exerting on his ribs made it hard to breathe, "You want me to kill you Draco? Then give me a reason…Tell me why!" Draco struggled against his grip, fighting for breath,
"I don't want…" he could barely speak, "Let…me…go!" Etean stepped back, releasing his grip on him. Draco slumped down to the floor, feeling giddy at the sudden surge of air in his lungs. He looked up, Etean's image wavered and blurred,
"You don't want what?"
"I don't want this," he waved his arm in a wild swipe, "This fucked up pile of shit that used to be my life. Everywhere I look, all I see is fragments and shattered pieces of what I used to have – of what I've lost," he paused as his breath went against him, "I have nothing left Etean, except pain and suffering. Every time I…every time I close my eyes I see her…" he couldn't bring him sense to say the word 'head'. "I killed my mother Etean, and now you tell me I've been…assaulting other students? I can't do it anymore, don't you understand? I don't want to hurt anyone else and I don't want…anyone else to be hurt because of me," tears flowed freely from his eyes, his voice was barely a whisper by the time he stopped speaking. Etean stepped forward and knelt down,
"And now we get to it…the guilt," Draco wiped at his eyes, slightly clearing his vision and looked at Etean, "I remember that too, and the questions, the endless questions. What did I do? What didn't I do? Could I have done something differently? Could I have been a different person? Would that have made a difference? Was it my fault?" Draco fought down a fresh wave of tears,
"It was my fault, she died because of me,"
"No, she died because of Lucius, he killed her, not you," Draco shook his head,
"No, if it wasn't for me…if he didn't need to get to me…if she hadn't…if I hadn't asked her to help me then she would have been safe," the tears came again, he couldn't stop them,
"She would have been safe would she? I wouldn't call being married to a Death Eater safe,"
"She was married to him for over twenty years Etean, he never hurt her before. He…"
"He never needed to," Etean's voice was flat and even, Draco stared at him, unsure if he had really heard him,
"What?" Etean turned and sat on the floor,
"I didn't know your mother, or your father for that matter, not beyond the files and reports I read. But I get the impression that, despite appearances, she was no fool. She knew the world that Lucius lived in, the life he lead and she knew the kind of man he is,"
"A murderer," Etean paused at the interruption and nodded slowly,
"And knowing that, she offered to help you Draco, you didn't ask her. She decided to take the risk on her own, you need to remember that,"
"Will that make it better?" Etean shook his head,
"No," he turned to stare Draco in the eye, "But it's something to hold on to," Draco took a breath, trying to stem the tide of tears, something to hold onto?
"I don't want to hold on to anything Etean," he lowered his head to stare at the floor, "Please, I've had enough," he set his face and looked back at Etean again, "You said that the Council told you to decide whether I was strong enough to do this?" Etean sighed,
"Something like that, only they used more words,"
"Yes well if you haven't figured it out by now, you can take this as your proof that I'm not strong enough," Etean looked at him for a long, painful moment then stood up, he turned away and sighed,
"Maybe you are, maybe you're not," he shrugged, "But I haven't made my mind up yet," Draco felt a rush of anger, he bounced to his feet,
"You said it was my decision Etean, you said…" Etean spun on his heel,
"I lied," Draco left his mouth hang open, Etean raised an eyebrow, "Oh don't look so shocked Draco, sooner or later I lie to everybody," he shook his head, "Well…I suppose 'lie' is too strong a word, the decision is yours to make, but let's just say I'm not willing to let you make it just yet,"
"Why? What are you waiting for?"
"You. I'm waiting for you to see how strong you really are,"
"But I…"
"You beat the eye Draco, you endured it for almost two months before you did. I watched you face it again and again, and I watched you beat it. That takes strength,"
"So I passed your first little test, it nearly killed me,"
"But it didn't fkill you and that is what matters. You passed that test…and every other one since," he paused and smiled at the look of surprise on Draco's face, "I'll leave it to you to figure out just what those tests were, but you did pass them, and impressively for the most part too if you want to know. You'll pass this one too, in time,"
"This…is a test?"
"Life is a test Draco, always," Draco stepped back. Etean was running another game and Draco was in no mood to play,
"Stop…just stop," he shut his eyes and raised his hand to cut off any response from Etean, "Just leave me alone will you?" he turned away and sat on the bed again,
"Ok, I will. As I said I know you want to be left alone and for now, that's probably best. You need space and you need time, I'll give you that – so long as you stop leaching emotions from random students that is." Out of the corner of his eye, Draco saw Etean move. A dark shape flew threw the air and landed with a thump on the bed beside him. He picked it up, it was his cloak. Wrapped up in it was a book, the book of Ascension. He looked up at Etean confused,
"The cloak is simple, members rarely part with them. And you'd be surprised how often they come in handy. As for the book," he paused and picked up one of the homework texts Dumbledore had left, "I thought it would be more interesting than this,"
"Oh,"
"You should actually read it, try to find out some of the details of what you will be facing before you decide you can't do it," he took a step toward the door then paused, "Em, I wouldn't let anyone else see that if I were you, keep it wrapped up in the cloak when you're not reading, it'll be safe there," he looked at the door and sighed, "Feel free to carry on 'not hiding' in here for as long as you feel you need to. When you're ready, the real world will be out there waiting for you, and so will I."
He left without another word, leaving Draco alone. He shivered. He had wanted Etean to leave, he wanted to be alone but now that he was, after the first real conversation he had had since…it happened he felt…lonely. He jumped to his feet and took a step toward the door, just one step. The images of the faces Etean had showed him flashed through his mind. He recognised most of them, he could name a few of them. They were out there, suffering because of him. He sat down and clenched his fist, trying to stop his hands from shaking. That door would stay shut – forever as far as he cared.
He lay back and stared at the ceiling. It was a few seconds before the lump beneath his shoulder annoyed him enough to do something about it. He reached round, his fingers closed on the book and pulled it from beneath him. He sat up and drew his arm back to hurl the book away and stopped. He lowered his arm and dropped the book into his lap. Draco stared at it, watching the candlelight flicker and dance on the unadorned leather. 'The Ascension', two words that had dominated his mind for what seemed like forever. The more he heard about it, the less he wanted to know. Since he had first heard of it, he had tried everything he could to avoid thinking about it and what it entailed. He had avoided reading this book, preferring to bury it under his old robes. How had Etean found it?
"HA!" his head rocked back and he laughed. Of course Etean found it, he probably saw Draco hide the thing. And now it was here. His eyes travelled to the door, to the still cooling meal, to the stack of homework and finally back to the book. The Ascension, the future, the end. He sighed, no way out, no way back, the only way he could go was forward. He opened the book and watched the candlelight dance on the pages for a moment before he started to read.