It was like a dream, a really good daydream you have when it looks like the world is crashing down on you and your mind escapes to this one perfect unattainable thing. It's a promise to yourself that rises above all the fatigue and pain, a promise of what will come if you just push a little harder and take another step. Part of you doubts it anyway but if it's a lie you cling to it with all your strength because the alternative is unthinkable. So actually being there….looking around yourself and seeing it become really real is a bizarre experience, disjointed because it's inextricably paired with that before time and tarnished with disbelief.
It made the iced mint tea in her glass taste intoxicating and the salt air smell sweet. The sound of children playing in the grass and the chatter of friends was more musical to her than anything coming from the entertainment center on the elegant stone porch where they sat, while the soft hand clasped in hers warmed her more than the summer sun moving slowly above. Shepard found herself unable to speak in these moments, every cell in her body attuned in blissful experience. In a moment the spell would be broken as it always was, but why hasten it?
She could feel concern from Liara who was leaning against her, head on shoulder. Whenever their skin touched they enjoyed a gentle sense of mutual awareness and her wife must have noticed a change in her mood, a subtle withdrawal while she watched her own life like it was some kind of vid. Shepard turned and pressed her lips gently to the asari's crest in reassurance, feeling that concern dissipate into the general sleepiness she felt ever since Athena's birth. Athena herself was half asleep while suckling, oblivious to the wild gestures and boisterous conversation going on around them.
Tali, in particular, had been using the last few minutes to vent about Quarian politics; a frustrated expression on her face behind the new more translucent face mask preferred by their species since they'd developed a better resistance to disease.
"It's like he thinks we don't know that all that tax income is being squirreled away somewhere for him to use in drumming up support for yet another tax!" she exclaimed. "Between his outright graft and the fines from the police force on anyone for so much as walking on the wrong side of the street, Kato'Jomm has managed to make life in the flotilla look like a charming getaway!"
Garrus leaned back on the bench and draped an arm around her shoulders, dextro drink dangling from his other hand where it rested over a knee, lifting and falling to punctuate his words. "We have a saying on Palaven. A fine is a tax for doing something wrong and a tax is a fine for doing something right. Either way, everyone's feeling the pinch."
"Well," Shepard pointed out, "The Quarian government is kinda on the hook for infrastructure on a planetary scale, right? I mean, they have to get the credits from somewhere."
Garrus caught her smirk while she was saying it, one of his mandibles twitching as the comment had the desired effect; which was to say, spinning Tali up just for the hell of it until she called one or both of them Bosh'tets. It was a private game between her and Garrus and the Turian was winning since they'd arrived with a score of 12-10.
Tali growled, a puff of indignant breath fogging up her faceplate for a moment, "We've practically got free labor thanks to the Geth, you know that! And it's not like they're trying to cover the whole planet in plasticrete! We've just got to ..."
"Wait," Shepard interrupted, "Just how long do you think the Geth will keep helping you on the labor front? Don't they have their own things to do?" she added with a questioning look at Garrus.
"Oh they still get plenty done," he said with admiration, "At the end of their Rannoch workday they just log out of their bodies planetside and zoom back to spend the rest of their time working on the mothership."
Shepard's brow furrowed. "Why don't they just stay until the job's done?"
"Probably don't want to be fined over a noise ordinance," Tali snorted before pulling hard on her emergency induction port.
"The Geth are individuals, now, remember?" Liara reminded everyone calmly while pulling Athena up to her shoulder to burp with soft taps of her hand. "Have you asked them?"
Shepard sighed, "I don't think I could bring myself to talk to them. I know it's not fair, it's just..every time I hear them speak I think of Legion."
"Even more reason you should, then" Liara chided before offering the small bundle of sleeping blue baby to her. "She needs changed, would you mind?"
"Sure," she replied with a wide grin before pulling their daughter close enough to nuzzle her tiny nose. She'd spent the better part of a day just watching her breathe when she was born, utterly fascinated by the life she'd helped to create. While it was likely she'd grow tired of the daily tasks surrounding her care, that day was far, far away.
As she stood Garrus deftly redirected. "You know, for individuals," Garrus pointed out in his familiar purring way, "They seem to make awfully similar decisions. It's not like a few of them hang around and check out the nightlife after work. They all leave, every time."
Shepard shrugged, gently swaying the child in her arms, "Their processing power increases with proximity, right? Maybe they just like being together for that since they have a choice."
"That's fair," Garrus said agreeably, "But what are they doing with all that processing power I wonder? They've put up no new bases as far as I know and have disassembled half their fleet."
She just chuckled before heading inside, offering over her shoulder, "Definitely suspicious behavior!"
Athena's eyes opened a sliver as Shepard reached behind herself to close the door and when her hand returned to support the child, her face broke into a smile so beautiful that she stopped in her tracks to marvel at it.
"Well, hello there," Shepard whispered in a sing-song voice, running the pad of her thumb across Athena's forehead. "So nice of you to join us this morning."
Tiny blue hands stretched out while she made unintelligible sounds, her limbs unsteady but enthusiastic, and Shepard slid a finger into one until she felt even tinier fingers grip it.
She sang a song to her then, swinging that tiny hand to and fro as they walked down a hallway and into the nursery, a song she recalled from her own childhood.
"Little chin, little mouth, little eye, little brow, cheek and nose, cheep, cheep, my little rooster!"
She kept singing as she changed her, pausing to touch each part she mentioned until, well, her hands weren't clean enough to do so. She pointed instead, and the song had Athena's eyes wide in wonder, her mouth in a shocked O shape at the sound. After a few moments she sobered and leaned down, their faces just a few inches away while they gazed into each other's green eyes. The complexity of emotions she felt, just looking at her daughter, were too much for words. Joy, gratitude, hope, fear, worry...none of them could do it justice. She wished she could communicate with Athena the way Liara could; maybe see what she was seeing and feeling from her own perspective. Shepard had no idea what was in store for her daughter or what kind of life she'd lead but she was very aware that this moment between them, this moment right here in all its perfection would never come again no matter how hard she held onto it; which made her savor it passionately even as it slipped away.
She could hear conversation near the house entrance now as well as some sharp words from Garrus out back. It sounded like he was scolding one of his children, though, so she paid it no mind. Nevertheless, she left Athena safe and sound on the changing table while she padded to the front door on bare feet. She wasn't sneaking , per se, but not all of the guests that had come over the past couple of days were actually on the guest list, so she paused for a moment behind a corner, tilting her head around it to see who it was before announcing herself.
"Jack!" she said with surprise when she recognized the biotic, then strode into the foyer to greet her. "You made it!" She nodded to the asari aide who'd admitted her, then embraced her old friend with gusto.
"Heyyyy," Jack returned in a low voice, her arms strong around her before pulling back. "Sorry I'm late, looks like I missed the party." She pulled her pack off a shoulder to reach in and pull out a furry pyjak doll, tilting it back and forth playfully with a wry chuckle. "Congrats and all. Bucket list item checked."
Shepard scoffed. "Cynic. Come on, I'll introduce you." She put a rough arm around Jack's shoulders and realized she had to lift her arm above her own shoulder to do it as they walked back down the hall. "So how does it feel to be taller than me?" she asked ruefully.
Jack was softly stroking the fur on the pyjak when she asked, and turned to grin at her. "Pretty damn good. Some people even believe it when I say I'll destroy them!"
Shepard broke into laughter at that, then turned Jack left into the nursery and brought them to a stop.
Jack set down her bag and walked over to the table where Athena was kicking her feet randomly into the air. She considered her very seriously, hands in the pockets of her jacket before finally speaking.
"I am so...so sorry, kid," she began. "You've got the biggest…" Jack couldn't stop herself from laughing before she even finished, "Girl scout of a mother..hahahah...that ever…"
"Hey!" Shepard laughed before balling up a fist to punch Jack in the shoulder.
"No for real!" she exclaimed to more punches and laughter, still talking in the direction the squirming child while they tussled, "You're gonna be a decade into puberty before you even know there's an outside world! Torture! Non-stop straight-laced perfectly proper torture!"
"Well," Shepard said with a grin and one final punch, " Your auntie privileges are revoked, that's for damn sure!"
"Ehem," Jack corrected with a raised index finger, "Godmother privileges, you mean. Someone's gotta take her in when she runs away from this paper mache paradise and teach her how to live in the real world."
With utter disbelief on her face she held up her own hand, "Wait, did you just say you want to be her godmother? Are you high?" Then she remembered how fondly Miranda spoke of children when she found out Liara was pregnant. "Or is this coming from Lawson?"
In all the years she'd known the woman she'd never seen her expression change so drastically. Her face deflated like a switch had been turned off and her shoulders fell until Jack's natural pride kicked in and straightened her back like a rod. Shepard felt immediately guilty despite being completely innocent.
"Hey," she started, "What's wrong?"
Jack's eyes met hers directly, ignoring her words as if they were never spoken. "Is she here?"
"No. I uh...figured you'd be coming together," she said in a low voice before her brain caught up. "Oh," she breathed then, feeling stupid and sad all at the same time, "Damn." She watched Jack's jaw clench before she responded.
"It's fine," she spat, "I'm just...surprised she didn't show."
"Yeah," she replied absentmindedly, "Didn't answer my call either. Must've gotten held up or something." Shepard gathered Athena into her arms and turned to her friend once again. "Come on, come say hi to the others. You want a drink?"
"Sure," she replied with a spurious curl of her lips. "You have a bar?"
"Oh, I can have one made for you. Whattaya like?"
"Just...take me to the bar." When Shepard crooked a brow, Jack huffed and waved a hand. "It's not like that. Just wanna see what Thessia has to offer, is all."
She pursed her lips and shrugged. "You seemed to like the Red last time," she offered before walking back toward the main gathering room.
Jack said nothing in response and Shepard imagined that meant she was making some kind of face at her. She spun between two steps, holding Athena aloft for the smile she knew it would create on her daughter's face as well as a sly peek at Jack's impudent expression but it wasn't there. Her face was pensive, almost tender as she watched her every move.
"Wine's not my thing," the woman explained simply before quickening her steps. They crossed the great room together, Jack still just studying her until they reached the sculpted shelving that housed richly gleaming bottles of liquid. As diverting a target as they were, though, she paused with a finger on the cabinet door and words on her lips.
"You seem….happy, Shep. Like...happy like I've never seen ya."
Somehow the way she said it struck Shepard speechless. The truth of the observation notwithstanding, it felt like a betrayal to admit it in light of Jack's distress.
"Yeah," she said after a gentle clearing of her throat. "No question."
Jack had the cabinet open then and was thumbing bottles to and fro until she stopped and snickered. "Oooh. Lookie!" She reached in deeper and pulled out an old, beaten up Carnifex that never left Shepard's side during the war.
Shepard grinned crookedly and shrugged. "What can I say? Happy doesn't mean oblivious."
"Too fucking ri.." Jack started, then bit her lip in consternation. "Sorry," she began again, looking at the newborn. "Too right, is what I meant." She shoved the dull metal of the pistol back in the recesses of the cabinet where it belonged and came back out with a bottle. She held it back a bit to read the label but quickly gave up trying to read the Asari script. "This any good?"
"Dunno, let me smell?" After Jack unstoppered the bottle and held it for a sniff she recoiled. "Uh...no. Definitely don't like that one."
Jack's brow arched with curiosity and she took a whiff herself. "What is it? Smells like…" she took another sniff, "Amaretto and….licorice?"
"Beats me," Shepard replied with fondness. "Bring it along and we'll see."
There was a chorus of happy hellos when the gang saw Jack follow Shepard onto the porch and even the children running wild through the garden returned to see what the fuss was about. Jack just lifted a hand in greeting but her smile was bright and genuine. She took a large leaning step forward to place the pyjak in Liara's lap and Shepard watched her face light up at the gift.
"They are so much cuter when they're stuffed, don't you think?" Liara said, lifting the toy to wave it's monkey-like arms.
"Well," Jack quipped, "They aren't running around stealing your crap this way at least." As the chuckles began she looked at Shepard's wife sincerely. "Congratulations Liara. She's beautiful."
"She most certainly is," the asari said with pride. "Thank you, Jack. It's good to see you again."
"Babe," Shepard interjected softly while she rocked the sleeping child, "Jack had a question you can answer better than I can."
Liara turned her face back up to Jack, who produced the bottle.
"Yeah, can you tell me what this is?"
She tilted her head to the side in order to see the label before her. "That's called Rakomelo. Have you had it before?"
"Nope," Jack said simply. "Any good?"
"It's better when consumed in colder weather. We usually warm the liquor and mix it with various spices…"
But Jack was already taking a swig of the stuff, and both of Liara's brows lifted in surprise and affront, her lips parted mid-word.
"It is laced with eezo as are many beverages on Thessia, but thankfully that won't harm you ," Liara continued with a smirk. "Was there something in particular you were looking for? I can make other recommendations."
"Yeah," Jack said with a nod while licking her lips. "Something not so sweet, I think. Something for summer maybe?"
Tali was taken aback, "You're actually pairing your alcohol with seasons now? I can't tell if that means you're drinking way too much or have gotten more discerning with your poisons."
Jack just grinned, "Oh it's not really for me, although this," she said while holding the bottle up, "Isn't too bad. It's for Grunt, so he's gonna want the strong stuff. And..." she continued with a chuckle, "It's always summer on Tuchanka, right?"
Liara was looking decidedly thoughtful. "That's good of you to visit him. I think I have just the thing." She got up from her chair despite Shepard's cautious look and headed inside.
"How's Omega treating you?" Garrus asked politely as she departed, "You've gotten along with Aria longer than just about anyone I know."
"That's because just about everyone else sharing you and her as an acquaintance is dead," Jack joked with a snort.
He looked offended at first before he got thoughtful. Everyone was already laughing at the change in his expression before he shrugged and joined in. "When you're right you're right, heheh," he said before giving a cautioning glance at the children waiting in the wings. It wouldn't do to start talking about Archangel's exploits in their company.
Jack seemed to take the hint which was a sign of maturity Shepard noted with appreciation. "She's alright, really. You just gotta figure out her moods."
"I never took you for the sort of person who could take orders from anyone but Shepard, here." Tali added. "But you've been there quite a while. Does that mean Omega is your home now or do you have something else on the horizon?"
Liara stepped back out onto the patio as Tali was asking the question, different bottle in hand, and Jack took a deep breath before answering. "I think that depends on how my visit goes," she said cryptically, her face brightening as she purposefully turned to acknowledge the two Turian and two Quarian children who were beginning to lose focus and pester one another. "Reegar," she said, and the oldest of the four turned his head. "I got a little something for you guys in my pack. You wanna go have a look? It's in the nursery."
There was happy shrieking at her words and a stampede headed through the door Liara hadn't quite gotten closed, the Asari stepping deftly out of the way.
"Hey bud," Jack said with a raised voice, and Reegar paused again before following, "Keep them inside for awhile, will ya? Got some adult stuff to discuss out here."
"You got it," he said through his helmet, chest puffed at being put in charge.
When Liara closed the door again, every eye was on Jack.
"So….." she began, the intense scrutiny unnerving her. She straightened and motioned for Liara to take her seat back, which she did, then looked directly at Shepard. "So you remember when Grunt asked you to come mediate over Wrex's killing?"
Shepard nodded, everything clicking. "Are you taking my place?"
"Yeah," she said, sounding a bit dubious about the whole thing before noticing the quickly masked looks of doubt that flashed on unguarded faces. "And yeah, I know the whole 'shiny happy people' thing isn't exactly my gig," she added, her expression wrinkling defensively, "So I was hoping to get some tips before I go."
"I think you're going to be great," Tali injected to questioning stares. "From what I've seen, every attempt to talk diplomatically with the Krogan has failed because bureaucrats in suits can simply never understand giant lizard men whose mating partners look for the highest body count during courtship ," she explained. "You can."
Jack's face froze in a lopsided grin, "I'm….gonna take that as a compliment."
"This is still a complex issue," Liara cautioned in the neutral fashion asari seemed to be born with. "Has a date been set for the meeting? Where is it being held?"
Jack just shrugged. "I'm assuming they'll tell me when I get there. What do you know about these guys. Clan...Dulak, right?"
Liara nodded, her eyes dropping in thought before rising to meet Jack's. "They are an old clan that had prominence in the Krogan Rebellions. Their leader, Martak, was a strong opponent of Wrex's during the Reaper Reconciliation, but curing the genophage won him over as it did many others. It is unclear why he would've wanted Wrex dead, but later intelligence on Krogan intrapolitics weakened with their unification."
"Something something Krogan what ?"
Shepard grinned and shook her head, "Once everyone rallied behind Wrex they had less reason to sell each other out to information brokers, so we don't have as much information about what's going on."
"Martak's death in the attack on Wrex further complicates matters," Liara continued. "The assumption is that he had the full support of his clan and this was the first strike in an attempted coup. If negotiations are being discussed, however, this may not be the case."
"Or it is," Garrus added with a pointed talon before turning to Jack. "They could be using these talks as a distraction while they set up their next strike."
"Very Turian thing to do, isn't it?" Shepard smirked.
He held up his hands in response and shrugged, "You can't argue with success. Now," he said with self-importance as he returned his gaze to Jack, "Here's the important part. If the talks are a setup then Dulak is going to want to kill everyone Urdnot sends to the meet. Likewise, Urdnot is gonna be ready to kill them right back. My suggestion is to go in there with a plan B."
"Plan B," Jack huffed, "On Tuchanka. Isn't that just putting your face between your legs and kissing your ass goodbye?"
"Having the meeting on Tuchanka would heavily weight the success of any kind of altercation in Urdnot's favor," Liara dissented thoughtfully. "You would likely be safe there. My guess is attempts will be made by Dulak to move the talks offworld."
"So meeting anywhere but Tuchanka is bad," Jack said with an almost question mark.
"Not necessarily," Tali said, "You know how prideful the Krogan are. I mean, let's say you were the head of Clan Dulak. If you go to Tuchanka it's pretty much admitting guilt, right? What would you do?"
Jack went quiet, her dark eyes turned inward as she considered the question. She turned and paced the length of the porch before coming to a conclusion, her words addressing the lush and swaying branches of the garden trees. "I'd want to meet in a neutral place where I'm just as much a threat as they are...whether I was guilty or not. I'm not gonna put my head on the chopping block if there's even a chance some asshole with an axe might get pissy."
"That's right," Shepard confirmed. "And I know none of this actually answers your question, but it's a good exercise. This is exactly the kind of thing you'll have to deal with, wherever you end up. You've got good instincts, Jack. Put yourself in their shoes if you have questions and use your experiences on the Normandy as a guide. Remember, sometimes you have to earn their cooperation. Above all, protect yourself and..." she smiled amiably, "Call us if you get into trouble."
"I'm sure that'll be a big help when bullets fly," Jack spat, and Shepard flinched before she could stop herself. Jack turned to them both, eyes narrowed. "Grunt's gonna wanna know when you're coming. What should I tell him?"
Liara stood then with a straightness in her back and a feral eye. "If it comes to that, you remind him that his people demanded a very high price to save their hides five years ago. They can give us a few weeks." As if to soften the blow, she extended the other bottle to Jack. "This is called Siporo. It's usually diluted with other ingredients for flavor as it's quite strong on its own. It's almost 200 years old, a brand of the highest quality and is not easy to procure. Drinking it in one sitting would be a waste, in my opinion. I hope he takes this in the spirit in which it's offered, which is with our humble regrets."
Her stance said nothing of regret and everything of fierce defensiveness as far as Shepard could see, though the pride she felt at the sight didn't diminish the guilt overmuch.
The biotic took the bottle and locked eyes with the Asari for a long moment before nodding with a sullen respect. "Alright, Blue. I'll tell him."
Jack's comment still nagging her, Shepard chewed her lower lip and looked down at the child in her arms. The Shepard that once was screamed and beat at walls built of everything she ever wanted, demanding she do something; but she nailed another deadbolt in that door even as every pound of the hammer felt like it was piercing her own flesh. What more could she do? She'd spent more emotional capital in the war than she ever hoped to possess and now, just when she was getting in the black, she should just abandon it for a fight that wasn't even hers? She'd retired. She was a relic being happily surpassed by the young and by technology so advanced it could scarcely have been imagined. It was their turn.
"Look," Shepard offered with more conviction than she felt, "Let us know where the talks are gonna be and I can make sure there's an angel on your shoulder."
Jack looked offended at the idea. "You think they're gonna want Spectres hanging over this thing? I go in there with Williams on my wing they'll think I'm dancing to a fucking Council tune. Thanks, but no thanks."
She was storming toward the door when Shepard slid between her and it. "Hey," she said reasonably, "I'm trying to help. Really."
Jack paused and dropped her eyes before shaking her head. She lifted it again to look Shepard in the eye. "I get it. You got your thing going and I get it, but you know what they're asking for here, right? They don't trust Williams. Hell, I don't trust Williams, no matter what patch the Council puts on her chest. They trust you . You get that?"
"Yeah," she replied lamely, "But I'm not going to be here forever. In the end this is an internal fight. I'm glad you're going, Jack; but in the long run they have to be able to handle their own affairs. If they call in an outsider every time they have a disagreement it undermines their authority."
"God dammit, you don't get it!" Jack said loudly, and Athena woke with a cry. She pointed back and forth between herself and Shepard with a demonstrative finger, "We're the only ones that aren't outsiders to them! That's the reason we have to help, right fucking now, because god help us all if they figure out they don't need us. The Krogan gotta trust us moving forward or whoever ends up in charge might end up looking at us as obstacles rather than friends. Is that what you want?"
Shepard rocked Athena to soothe her, the recognition of the truth only bolstering the voice shouting inside her. She moved out of the way silently and shook her head, letting Jack brush by her into the coolness of the house.
"That wasn't really fair of her," Tali said gently after a moment of painful silence. "In a thousand years, all the trust in the world for you and Jack means nothing. The Council does need to be involved."
"The kid's got a point though," Garrus chimed with an impressed look, "If this were any other situation I'd agree with you but we're talking about Wrex. Wrex maintained control because he was a hero of the war, but it wasn't too long ago that everyone but Urdnot was an enemy of his. If they're asking for outside help it may be because they don't expect an orderly transition. Who knows what kind of psychopath might end up on the throne?"
"And I'm supposed to what, enforce the succession?" Shepard asked incredulously. "If the Krogan people decide they don't want Urdnot in charge it doesn't matter who's asking. I have no desire to be a kingmaker."
"Even if failing to act means a war with the Krogan?" Liara interjected at a near whisper.
She looked at Liara in shock, the unspoken suggestion being that perhaps she should help, after all. The idea appeared to make her wife as miserable as she felt, at least. Shepard tilted her head in question, lifting a hand palm-up to punctuate, but Liara only dropped her eyes. She sighed then, and moved to the Asari's side to gently pass Athena to her waiting arms.
When she straightened, her eyes were lost in thought. "I need to take a walk," she said, and no one gainsaid her.
Her entry to the house was interrupted by Tali and Garrus' littlest family member, a Turian female named Aurelia. The 6 year old whooped and nearly plowed into Shepard while aiming a holographic pistol at Reegar, who dove unceremoniously behind a couch. All Shepard could see though was the age and historical significance of items scattered around the living room, not to mention their fragility.
"Oh no," she started, then raised her voice, "Okay everyone, take this outside!"
Children came out from hiding places, panting and smiling from the exertion. "You should play too!" One said, and another waved around their new toy, shouting, "Jack got us the new Armax 2600's!"
Shepard couldn't help but smile and shake her head in appreciation. She never thought she'd like kids, if she were honest. Funny how you get like that when a single mistake could wreck everything and everyone. There was something about children she never factored into the equation, though, and that was simple, honest exuberation.
"I promise I'll join in when I get back. Tell you what? I'll even let you all team up. How's that sound?"
The cheering as they ran outside soothed her mood until she made it to the nursery looking for Jack. Her pack was gone...but the toy packaging wasn't. It was strewn about the room in pieces, and Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Jack?" she called, heading back into the main room, but there was no answer. She turned to the front door and headed outside, but didn't see the woman brooding there as she would have expected. Jack was gone.
"Well, shit," was her reply to an unsympathetic world.