Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

second cut

It seemed everything was determined when I was leaving to do my concert.

"YUKI! I'm going to go do my concert. Wish me luck!"

"Nn…."

I sighed. How about a smile? Maybe when hell freezes over. I wanted Yuki's blessing so I wouldn't make a blunder…but that happens everyday. Just one smile. A tear came out as I walked out the door.

The concert was a hit and Hiro, Suguru, and I were going to celebrate. We actually just went to a club. Suguru wasn't of age to drink but when we mentioned our band, we were pushed on in. I think we had to perform a show in exchange for Suguru's illegal violation to a nightclub. Whatever.

We got a private spot and Suguru said he needed to go to the bathroom. As if I cared. Hiro and I were lounging about. A waitress came over and asked us if we needed anything. Hiro wanted a honjozo-shu strangely while I ordered a junkai-shu, which was less alcoholic. Hiro asked if I wanted a bite of something. I was about to reply yes. Then I remember something…

"You look like a whale, Shu."

But that wasn't as painful as when Yuki said:

"…Yea…you better stop stuffing your face with all that sugary crap or you might bring the Meiji company outta business. I'd probably wouldn't want you after that."

Did Yuki mean that?

"Shuichi, is there something wrong you need to talk about?"

What? Oh, that was Hiro. He must've seen me looking like a zombie. I smiled. But the smile didn't feel right.

I was very sure Hiro could've seen past the smile. He didn't but he was still looking worried.

That night I downed three to four cups of my sake. And that night, it felt like something bad was about to begin…

I awoke to the worst hangover imagined. How could Hiro hold his liquor and I can't? I was thankful for the peaceful solitude of Hiro's apartment. My throat ached. And I could barely open my eyes.

I tried to wash that groggy, confusing feeling out of me with a warm shower. After the shower, I felt a huge twang to see my Yuki so I quickly wrote a note to Hiro, thanking him for the hospitality and I was back at Yuki's safely.

My hair was still wet and I could feel the cool water drops dripping down my neck. I quietly slipped into the house afraid if Yuki's wrath was avail prior to my partying all night.

I popped into his office. He wasn't there and I looked like a fool for five minutes.

I pressed my lips together. Where could he be? What was that? What is that noise?

It was from his bedroom and I felt a chill down my spine either from an illiteral point of view or from the water down my refreshing bath. I gulped a mass of unwanted air. My lips started trembling.

"Yuki, don't stop. Faster, faster………"

My chin wouldn't stop quivering.

"PLEASE, Yuki! I'm begging you, harder!"

And…my tears wouldn't stop coming down my face silently. I bit my lip until it started to bleed.

I shook my head. NO. NO. No. no. no. This can not be happening. This can not be happening. Not now. Not ever. Please. I mean it. This. Can't. Be. Happening. Yuki. My Yuki can't be cheating on me.

I rushed out of the house. Stumbling. Running. Just wanting to get away from this…this…dream. God tell me this is a dream. I was breaking vases and trembling like a first-born baby. Did Yuki think I was baby? Was I annoying? That annoying he would cheat on me? Was this the first time he cheated on me? Why?

No, it couldn't be. I lived too long with him for him to just do that…it must be because I gained weight….no, I'm a horrible lover and I must've done something very bad…and I should be punished like a bad lover should. So….how should I punish myself?

I'm panicking. HOW SHOULD I PUNISH MYSELF? I didn't know where I was. I didn't care. This was too overwhelming. Too…too overwhelming…I'm so stupid. So dumb. How could I not tell that Yuki was not interested in me anymore? How come….everything is fading black?

Ugghhh….I blinked. Where the hell am I? And why does my heart hurts so much? Then, all of the current things that happened rushed inside my brain. I whimpered. Now I know.

Disgusting. I'm in an alley. And it smells like shit. My body hurts and my heart hurts. I need somewhere to stay. I don't think I can stay at Hiro's. Ayaka, his fiancé is about to move in so even if I stayed, I would have to leave eventually.

Just thinking about moving out of Yuki's house, breaks my heart. I would probably cry packing up my belongings. I bend my head down in a fetal position and the bricks behind me scratch my back.

I dig my fingers so hard into my arms. It's on purpose. I deserve this. I deserve pain. Is this what you want Yuki? Because…I would do anything for you. Anything.

My arms start to bleed. But it's not enough. No. It's not enough pain to consume my own. I need something that could blind me from all this. I remember the rape. That was for you my love. That caused me pain. Such deep pain. But this pain right now outweighed it all.

I wiped my tears with my pierced arms. The salt mixed in with tears and it all felt so….exhilarating? I need more. More. I needed more physical pain to take away my mental one but subconsciously, I knew it would never take away the deep pain in my heart.

Licking my lips I search for something…ummm….sharp. Ah ha. Some glass from an old bottle of gin. Perfect. So unlike my life.

Studying it was beautiful. Like Yuki's sex. It glistened like Yuki's hair. And it was sharp, like Yuki's tongue. This piece of glass will be my Yuki now. My beautiful Yuki. My arms start to shake. I grip the glass and point it toward my arm but not toward some major veins. I just really need pain. Not death. At least not right now.

Quickly, I dash the glass across my arm. Huh? Just a little blood. I chuckle. A sorrowful chuckle. I gulp and furrow my brows trying to concentrate. The glass is pressed slightly down…downer….finally blood. I lift my head back and moan. Oh. So exhilarating. I switch hands and press the glass to my other arm-but I press it quick. I smile. At least this is better than drugs.

My arms have cut out black sleeves to cover up my…pain. At least my physical pain. Yesterday, I quickly grabbed all my belongings and left out the window. I did not want to disturb Yuki. Although he cheated on me, I still love him. He probably cheated on me because of something I did. I really am a stupid baka. I'm sorry Yuki. Somehow half of my heart does not agree. And I can feel it. Half of my heart feels anger and deep sorrow. This anger is so strong that I don't think I can handle it.

Of course I'm still going to N-G Studios and I'll tell Hiro about Yuki. Just not yet. Not yet. I'm not ready.

I live in an apartment near the studio so I wouldn't have to travel far. If Yuki finds out I live here…it doesn't matter. He'll find me anyways with his connections with Tohma Seguchu, the boss of N-G Corporations.

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. Who could? How would you feel if the person who you love so much, just cheats on you?

I wondered why he did it. I wondered how bad I was to him. I wondered how this could just happen.

This was the first time I was trying to put up a charade going to N-G Studios. I was nervous but also thrilled. I wondered if I could fool them.

I gallantly walked into the room with a large grin I hoped would fool these people. I'm sorry Hiro for lying to you. My grin froze when K's metal gun was felt on my sweaty forehead. Hiro was preparing his guitar in the leather swivel chair with his legs propped up against the conference table.

"Hey Shuichi, why are you so happy? Yuki played doctor on you?"

I was relieved he didn't find out but I was sad he couldn't see what I needed: help.

"Whatever, Shuichi. May we please get to rehearsing?"

This conversation sounded so familiar. I was thinking and accidentally knocked down some new lyrics we have written.

I groaned. Not again. I don't think I can be that hyperactive against---

"SHINDOU-SAN, COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT NONSENSE AND GO REHEARSE, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A CD WITH ALL THIS SLACKING. MAYBE IT'S MY FAULT…I'M A BAD PERSON!"

He still kinda creeps me out and I feel guilty for not paying attention-again.

"I'm sorry, Sakano-san. It's not your fault. I'm to blame."

He was crying and yelling so I tried to cry. This was not like rocket science. I just thought about all the pain. Deep pain. And this was all about Yuki.

R&R. The story is gonna steam…but slowly. I want this story to be as realistic as possible yet still fictitious. Hope you know what I mean so get ready for third cut.