Title: It Cuts My Heart
Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!
Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?
Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing
Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!
third cut
I awoke up with the feeling of hunger. I'm so hungry. When was the last time I ate?
I think it was like two days ago.
My body hurts like shit too. My ass especially. I went to the same nightclub Hiro showed me a few days ago.
I drowned all the sounds of the slut fucking with my Yuki with the bitter acerbic taste of alcohol.
I didn't know what really happened after that. It was all a big unpleasant blur. A big fucking blur.
I remembered the feeling of the tiles pressuring against my cheek, forehead, and palms. I remembered someone's hands gripping the sides of my hips. It certainly wasn't my hands.
I can barely get out of the bed. I cry out as my feet touch the floor and they echo with every single step I make. Stop the sounds. I could hear each of my struggling breaths.
The kitchen is much much smaller than the one at Yuki's. The fridge is right frickin there. Just need the fridge.
Come on.
Come on.
One more fucking step.
And I fall. My kneecaps buckled, hitting the wooden floorboards. Fucking bloody hell. My shoulders sag.
Anger. WHY? WHY? Just one step. One little step. One fucking step.
Yuki, why? How come you couldn't take me? I'm so pitiful. That's why. Right? So stupid. And ugly. Like a pig. (A/N: I actually luv piggies! And now I ruined the mood…oh boy…) Like a fucking pig.
I sneer.
Like a whale.
It has been like this for the whole…week, right? I look down and I realized that I had pounded all my anger in my fists by punching the floor. My knuckles start to sear with pain. I have to stop doing this.
I need Yuki. Maybe if I try to clear up what I did wrong…it will solve everything?
Let's see…it's probably my horrible appearance…and my sexual experience also…
I've got it. I smile weakly. Starting today, I'll lose tons of weight…though I don't know how much. We'll see. And how about my sexual experience? Ummm, who should I go to for help in sex? Dark bruises begin to show on my knuckles.
I'll go to a club or something. I think the actual sex can actually improve my sex experience.
I've thought about keeping a journal for keeping track of my 'improvement'. So far it has been 2 days from my vow. This was what was in my journal:
Mar. 25
I realize that the reason for Yuki cheating on me was actually all my fault. I never knew how much I had burdened him with my attitude, appearance, and everything I did. This is the beginning for change. For myself and for all the bad I have done to the world.
Usually every day I would eat some beef noodles, pocky …the usual. Most occasions, I'd eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and even a midnight snack. I noticed how much I really ate. Also Hiro would invite me for lunch. Café was his choice. I believe that if I only eat at lunch (with Hiro if he asks), it would stop me from gaining all that flab. My mission begins…
"Hey Shuichi!"
I turned my head and pulled my headphones down. Rehearsal was over around 15 minutes ago. The voice had belonged to Hiro.
What does he want? Had he found out about the new apartment I got recently?
"You want to go to a café or something? Would you mind if Ayaka joined us?"
Shoot. I have to eat today. And I was doing fine. I had bought a whole pack of gum at the drugstore and was planning to use it for the whole month or two.
"S-sure." I started rubbing my arms nervously. My arms were starting to itch from the cotton sleeves and old scars reacting to the cheap material.
At the usual café, sitting in front of Ayaka was a little new. Ayaka had trimmed her hair and she looked more mature. It had affected Hiro too. Hiro wore more expensive brand name clothes. He was more polite but that was no problem.
Hiro said it was a beautiful day and declared we get anything we wanted. My forehead creased. Hiro asked the waiter to get him some tempura and Ayaka wanted korokke. Jeez. They both are so greasy and deep fried.
"Ahh…how about gomaae?" They looked at me in disbelief.
Ayaka spoke up. "Shuichi, that's a side dish."
I chuckled. "I was just kidding. I actually want…" I looked quickly down the menu for a light meal. "Tekka domburi, sounds good."
Both had compiled and I breathed a sigh of relief. Yum, tekkadon had maguro. Was raw tuna fattening? And I didn't want to eat all that rice.
After we ate, Hiro and Ayaka said they were going home. "You want to come over for a while or do you need us to drop you off at Yuki's?" Hiro offered.
"No thank you." I said, declining. My heart felt like a hammer smacked it. It was either from all that food I forcefully ate or it was when Hiro still thought I lived with Yuki.
I miss Yuki so much and I will right my wrongs.
I rushed home before the food digested down my throat and turned to disgusting fattish slob. Quickly taking off my shoes, I rushed to the toilet and knelt down.
Oh my god. I'm going to purge. I've never done this before. And to Hiro's food? How could I clear that? New to this, I took out my index finger and poked around the insides of my mouth.
My eyes rolled back and this horrible sensation took over me. My body felt like jelly and I felt dizzy. On instinct, I brought my head to toilet bowl and gripped anything in close range.
I rested my head on the side of the bowl surface. Whimpering I whispered, I love you Yuki before I drifted off to sleep.
On my bed, I was sitting cross-legged. I had some pieces of paper in front of me and a pen and pencil. It was lyric-thinking time but my mind was totally off.
My guilt from throwing up all of Hiro's food that he paid had saddened me. I can't believe that right after he bought that, I had just wasted it.
I deserve punishment. I uncrossed my legs and stumbled to one of my drawers. Where was that piece of heaven? That piece of untainted steel that would heal all my troubles? Darn it. My legs had grown numb and they felt like little needles poking everywhere below my waist.
I found the glass I immediately had called Yuki. I mean, all he has done was told me the stupid things I needed to fix. I owe him as much respect I could give him.
I snatched the smooth entity. Pressing down the sharp object entranced me. It was so beautiful. All that blood-all that guilt and sin seemed to be pouring out. I smiled. I was cleansing myself and…
It had felt wonderful.
Mar. 28
I had 'washed' all my sins today and yesterday. By the way, I had exclusively chewed on gum for this whole week. It is going great. Although the scars would permanently stay, I think they are displayed there to constantly show me that my punishments never go away actually. They are there to show how weak I am. How stupid and ugly I am. They are punishments I should have received a long time ago.
I despise purging but doing it for Yuki just brightens my whole day up. However, cutting myself is a whole other thing. My piece of glass, my Yuki. It's like having Yuki right there. He is telling me, lecturing me on my awful behavior. He is releasing all the atrocious things in me. I know he loves me. I mean…why else would he do this if cutting doesn't feel like sex?
Let's see what happens with Shuichi's bad sex experience in fourth cut
Now to my reviewers:
RyuichiIncarnate: I'm not a cutter though now I feel like my story is now not up to par since I don't have actual experience. Oo.
sansty-san: I'm so flattered! Thank you and keep reading my story! XD
LoveNeverWantedMe: I've totally listened to you and updated as soon as possible. Notice the way I write Shuichi's point of view. He is very straightforward but his attitude holds immaturity. Remember my first chapter when Shuichi said 'super duper'. chuckle
DemonicDragon666: sigh Unfortunately, Yuki is still an ass. I too cannot wait until Yuki realizes the mistakes he has drawn.