Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

fourth cut

It's so pathetic, huh? I mean, remembering the last time I had sex with Yuki…is kinda sad. Right? Last time I had sex with him was…oh god.

I'm laughing and sobbing. It was three months.

How come they won't stop? These tears just keep flowing. Down my arms.

"Hey, kid. What's wrong?"

I turn my head. The man was lying on the headboard. He had one eye closed and the other one gave a wary stare at me.

I wipe my eyes and sniff. "It's nothing."

The bedsheets move a bit. He wraps his arms around me. I hear his lips move on my neck. Its warm and tickling me.

"You could tell me anything," he whispers, huskily. "Didn't you want me to teach you?"

I close my eyes. Yuki, do you know I'm giving you everything? I'll have you Yuki. I will.

Jun. 5

My Yuki is…amazing. I mean, sometimes I seriously can't handle all that faking. Why can't they see through it? Bunch of idiots. But it gets stressful. It gets tiring. It's like a second job. Jeez. I already have one on singing. Anyways, what I was saying was that if it gets too stressful, I'll go to my Yuki.

I think there is hope that soon…the real Yuki will come. Yes he would come but if he can't…I still have my other Yuki. My other Yuki solves my troubles. He tells me that it's okay. He sort of corrects my problems. Most days I wait anxiously until rehearsal is over and rush home. I never release in the studio. They might catch me. That's when I get scared. They might steal my Yuki. He's mine.

I just told Hiro that I'm rushing home to see Yuki. I don't get sad anymore. It's kinda true. I am seeing my Yuki.

The piece of glass is like home away from home.

Opening the door to my apartment, I pass my kitchen. What the-

I received some messages. I press the 'play' button.

Hello, Shindou-san. This is Tohma Seguchi. I have just called to say hi. Yuki is doing well. On a lighter note, I am wondering if I could see your new place. How about this Saturday. Sounds good?

Beep.

I just froze. My heart felt like it just stopped or just accelerated. Oh shit. How did Seguchi-san find out where I lived?

Of course, he had connections. Oh my god. How about if he tells Yuki? Yuki will be so angry. And I haven't even lost all that extra weight yet! Damn. This is not good. Not good at all.

I patted down my tie. Have to look good, you know? Seguchi-san is coming to my house and it won't be a wonder if he is disgusted by my pad.

I wished with all my might that he didn't tell anybody else about where I lived.

Ding.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay, cool down. I stride to the door. Now to put on the happy face. I breath in.

I stare at Tohma Seguchi, my boss. He's smiling and he is wearing that fur coat with some black slacks. Isn't he hot? It's such a warm day.

He puts his head to one side. "Hello, Shindou-san. Pleasure to see you out of a working environment. May I enter?"

"O-of course." I step aside to let him in. Blushing, I take his coat and hang it. Not to self: Need my Yuki after this.

I bring him to the living room which branches off to my bedroom and the kitchen. I point him to a seat. "You may sit here. I'll return with some tea, if you don't mind. What would you like? Gyokuro, houjicha, or kocha?"

He smiled again. It made me shudder. "Houjicha will be fine." (A/N: This ALWAYS happens when I have a guest at my house. Total routine. I usually drink matcha or Chinese tea like chrysanthemum tea.)

I walk to my kitchen. Panicking. Did I safely put my Yuki away? Oh jeez. Please tell me it's safely in the drawer.

I quickly made a kettle of hot houjicha and grabbed a tray with two cups.

Entering the living room again, I place the tray at the table. Still standing, I put a cup towards him and another toward where I was going to sit. I get the kettle pouring his cup first, then my own.

I sit down and wait until he takes a sip. I get my cup holding it and placing one of my hands on the bottom. He puts down his cup. I follow suit.

"You have a wonderful place, Shindou-san."

I smile. "Why thank you! Would you like to have a tour?"

"That would be nice."

After a few pleasant comments, I put the tray away and we walked around my house. It wasn't big so I didn't take long.

When he was about to leave, I grabbed his coat and helped put it on for him. He was about to open the door but then he said," Rest assured, dear Shindou-san. I have not told the others but soon they will know. This misunderstanding will not help your troubles. Not Yuki, not you. I will be happy see you at work soon. Thank you for the hospitality, Shindou-san."

He left. And he left me in confusion. I shook it off. Loosening my tie, I wondered. Now where is my Yuki?

I am sooooooo bored. I flipped on the telly and my eyes widened. Yuki was having an interview. And it just ended. Damn. What did he say? What did the interviewer say?

I need to get out. I grasp a light jacket and my keys. Walking blindly on the streets, I see couples, truly happy faces, and…food. I get face to face to a glass window but all I see is the food displayed. So good. There is yakitori. Some salarymen are washing it down with hot sake.

All that chicken and leek. Glazed with soya sauce and maple syrup. Just one little bite. One tiny bite. I swear.

I scarfed that baby down like crazy. I must've looked like a madman. Never tasted something so delicious. Yakitori beat my flavored gum by a mile. But I knew it had to end.

I cleansed myself from it and my Yuki punished me. (A/N #2: Yakitori is sooooo good. I mean it. You've gotta try it-if you're not a vegetarian. )

Jun. 9

I miss food. I really do. But to lighten myself up, I got all different flavored gum to satisfy my hunger. I won't have the 'yakitori incident' again as I call it. I got strawberry flavored. My favorite! And…mint, mango, watermelon, grape, red bean, coca-cola, and plum. I could go on and on.

We have a tour coming soon and I need to pack up some stuff. Improving my sex experience will just have to wait. But experimenting had taught me some new things. It's interesting. I think I'll get use to this.

I was rushing out of NG Studios. I need my Yuki. Shit.

Ow. I'm on the floor and I saw specks of black. I groan and look up to see-

Yuki. No. No. I shake my head. It can't be. "Y-yuki?"

I faced a young man who seemed to work here. He looked so much like him. Even his hair. Blond.

He seemed flustered. "Are you okay? I'm sorry. I wasn't looking. It is my fault." He bowed.

I stood up and bowed lower. "No, no. I was rushing."

He smiled. "You have called me Yuki. Do you mean Yuki Eiri?"

My heart pounded. I miss him so much.

"It's just that people think I am him because of my appearance. Oh. Forget about it. Unnneccessary….."

His voice just drifted away. I closed my eyes.

I found myself at home. I found myself in blood. My own blood. I groped around the floor and touch something cold and hard. I smile with relief. Dammit. What a mess I made.

Wait up for fifth cut. This chapter seriously sucked. Nothing much happened but you do get to see how Shuichi has mostly absorbed his time into obsessing on 'his Yuki'. And you get to see more Japanese accommodations. I promise there will be much more information on his improvement for sexual experience. A question: What is the importance of Tohma?

Now to my reviewers:

sansty-san: I have failed you. This chapter must have disappointed you. And for waiting patiently for such a bland chapter must have devastated you. I ask for your forgive-ness!

DemonicDragon666: I unfortunately failed you too. I will try to make fifth cut a better chapter!

RyuichiIncarnate: Thank you for your support! I wish to talk to you soon!

DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Thank you for your reply. This chapter is awfully sad. Please review!

Rayne of fire: I feel so honored that my story has pleased you! Thank you for telling me your story. It makes me feel that the significance of It Cuts My Heart has greater meaning.

ticklishhippo: your reply made, like, no sense, girl. Plus, I hope you got me something from Quebec! Maybe like a box of maple syrup. I joke.

LocketzVC: Unfortunately, I focused this story mainly on Shuichi so I could convey his feelings and show my readers the experience he has had. Fortunately, Yuki will appear in this story…sooner than later.