First of all – I'm not an idiot. I'm not blind. And I'm not stupid. I can see that Mary is a great girl. I've known this since the day I met her. She's been my best friend since we were two. We grew up together – she lived with me and my dad for a time. There is virtually nothing in Mary's life that I don't know about.
Why didn't anything happen sooner? I don't know. Why did we break up? I don't know. Why didn't I go after her? I don't know, okay? Maybe it was out of fear? Or shock? I don't know. So please, quit asking. I ask myself that enough these days.
And by the way, my eyes do not glaze over whenever anyone mentions her name – do they? I never really thought about it. But they don't – and I don't care what everyone says. What do you mean Mike said that? And Delinda? What about Sam? Whatever. What do they know?
You know, she was my first kiss – behind the swings in fourth grade. She… she has always been there for me. Always. She has been the one true constant in my life. She held my hand during my mother's funeral. And I… I have not always been there for her. In fact, I may go so far to say that I have been a really crappy friend to her. Really crappy.
It's… it always seemed like I was always getting deployed every time she needed me the most – to deal with her father. But it's really not my fault. Just bad timing. I beat the crap out of her father once, and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if he ever looked at her again. I am amazed every time I see her that she has become the woman that she is today – especially after what that scumbag did to her. She's amazing.
She told me that she loved me again before I deployed to Iraq. I know what it looks like. You think I just hook up with Mary before I leave for… anyway. That's not the case. Being over there… overseas… it made me realize that I love her. She was all that I could think about.
All of those bullets whizzing past my head. The thought of never seeing her again. She was all that I had. She was all that I wanted. That night, when the power went out and we were stuck in the elevator? God, that was awkward. I'd known. I had always known deep down that she was still in love with me. And I… I don't know. It was one thing to secretly know. It's another to hear her say it out loud.
I told her that I wasn't ready for the white picket fence with the dogs and the kids. Because I wasn't then. That was true. But then I came back from the war. I was a different man. I didn't know what I wanted then. But it all became so clear to me overseas. The thought of her kept me alive. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
So I proposed to her as soon as I got back. She was even more beautiful than I remembered. I knew that I wanted to be with her. But she never said "yes" to me. She always wore that ring on her right hand. I mean, how weird is that? She had professed to me on many different occasions that she loved me and when I finally decide to commit to her, she doesn't say "yes"… What the hell is that about?
In fact, she just about ripped my heart out and did the Mexican hat dance on it. But I got over it – on the outside. But then that guy… Jake. I thought he was only going to be a rebound guy for a couple of weeks, so I kept my mouth shut. Why? Because I would rather have her as my best friend than as nothing at all. So if that meant that I had to sit back and watch her be happy with someone else, I would.
Because I don't deserve her.