A/N: Apologies for all the mush. It won't happen again. Also sorry if Juliet has too many lines; it's hard to get all the fandoms in each chapter.

Renewed Disclaimer: I do not own any of the songs mentioned in this chapter. Their proper owners are credited by Bartimaeus. Please don't sue me, I only use the songs because I love them so much!

Chapter Four: Rock and Rolling Right Along

Bartimaeus was really starting to get into the whole "running the show" thing. After the first contestant, seeing that there was no horrific scarring from singing, he hadn't had to threaten the contestants at all. People just volunteered with no further prompting. It was rather a nice change.

"Alright, our next contestant is Albus Dumbledore from the Harry Potter world-"

A pale, red-eyed, wannabe-villain stood up. "I object! It is I will rule the wizarding world! The series shall be named after ME!"

"Uh, Voldemort, right?" Juliet asked.

"Lord Voldemort," Wannabe Dark Lord corrected.

"Whatever. You're not going to rule anything; you do know that, right? You live in a children's book!"

"What?" Voldemort hissed.

"- and he'll be singing, 'When I'm 64' by the Beatles," Bartimaeus finished.

Voldemort had a problem with this, as well. "The Beatles? That Muggle group who claims to be more popular than me?"

Even I, a newcomer to this planet, have heard of these Beatles. I have never heard of you. Perhaps they are correct. a furry, blue alien stated.

Voldemort looked like he was about to explode. As amusing as that would be, a well-meaning lackey felt it necessary to placate him.

"Only Muggles and mud-bloods speak of the Beatles. They are no threat to you," the toady assured him.

"They wouldn't be, considering half the group is dead," Dumbledore remarked from the stage. With that, the group quieted down enough for the song to begin.

When I get older, losing my hair,

Many years from now.

Will you still be sending me a Valentine?

Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

And so forth. Several seconds after he finished there was total and utter silence. Then the cheers erupted from every decent person in the audience. One particularly loud individual even yelled, "Rock the house, Albus!" With slight dismay, Bartimaeus realized it was his beloved master, Nathaniel.

"Shut up!" the djinni hissed.

"Okay," Nathaniel said agreeably. He was really starting to like Nat: Version 2.

"Next up: Trouble Kelp, singing 'She's a Rebel'. Is that your real name?"

Trouble nodded.

"And it says here you'd like to dedicate this song to Holly Short," Bartimaeus read.

"What!" four different entities exclaimed in unison. Mulch Diggums started to choke on his sausage.

"GRUB!" Trouble roared. "I'll kill you! I don't care what Mommy said!"

Luckily, Butler intervened before Trouble managed to catch his brother, seeing that Bartimaeus had developed a sudden lethargy and was completely unable to do anything but watch the fight.

"Just get on with it!" a hundred angry warriors yelled, borrowed from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"Fine," Trouble Kelp said huffily.

She's a rebel, she's a saint, she's the salt of the earth, and she's dangerous.

She's a rebel, vigilante, missing link on the brink of destruction.

Much to everyone's surprise, when the song was done, Holly gave him a small kiss on the cheek. Most of the girls "awww"-ed, most of the boys snorted with suppressed laughter, and all spirits mimed gagging. Nathaniel stared avidly at the ceiling. It's the same in every dimension.

"Attention!" Bartimaeus cried, banging a gavel he found under the seats. "Our last performance before dinner is" he looked down at his clipboard, "Mara Jade Skywalker, singing "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts."

"And I'd like to dedicate this song to my husband, Luke Skywalker," she added pointedly. "Someone purposely failed to mention that."

"What, you thought someone was trying to prank a Jedi?" a scruffy-looking guy asked derisively from the audience.

"No comments from the peanut gallery!" Nathaniel commanded, gazing unsteadily at the wall behind Han.

"Let the chick sing, already!" Juliet called from the crowd. After giving the wrestling fan an odd look, Mara did so.

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago,

Hoping that I'd find true love along the broken road.

But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow, kept pushing through,

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.

Bartimaeus made an announcement after she was finished.

"Time for dinner, people! The cafeteria is across the hall from the auditorium. If you don't like the food, tough. No alcohol unless you're over eighteen." A collective groan from minors.

"I thought the drinking age is twenty-one," Nathaniel inquired in an undertone.

"I though some people might need a stiff drink after all that lovey-dovey rubbish," the djinni explained.

"Good thinking."

"Thanks."