A Letter from Home

Disclaimer: Neither John nor Supernatural are in anyway mine (unfortunately) – see E. Kripke for ownership details.

Summary: John writes but doesn't post to Sam a fortnight after he has left for Stanford.

Rating: A few mild curses

Dear Sam,

This letter is not easy for me to write. I hope you have reached Stanford safely and that you have got sorted and are settling in. I'm sorry for our argument just before you left. You were right we had been arguing for long enough that I should have admitted defeat earlier and made the parting easier for all of us. I can't apologise for the earlier arguments because I would be lying. I wanted to keep you safe and with you so far away, I don't know how to do that any longer. Funnily enough, smart mouth and dumbass that your brother can be, just occasionally he knows what he's talking about and he said to me just yesterday, that I had to count on our having done a good enough job on you, that now you can look after yourself. I know what he means but I'm just used to knowing that my youngest boy is looked after, if not by me then by Dean.

I wish I could take back what I said about if you go, not coming back. I hear it in my sleep and regret it every bit as much as when I'm awake. You can come back Sam. I'm a stupid, old fool who risked everything and regretted it the moment the words were out but was too proud and too stupid to try and take them back and apologise. I apologise from my heart now, now when I'm writing this and again now when you're reading it, too late but at least not never.

I want you to know that I am proud of you, proud of you for what you achieved in school, proud of you for the free ride to Stanford, proud of you for who you are and not just what you have achieved in academic success. Your mother would be proud too. You have turned into everything she wanted and more, everything we wanted and more. It's hard to believe now, but your mother and I shared dreams of a future for you. Mary always believed you'd be bright and go to university and get some real clever learning and then a good job – it was such a bright dream, I saw it too and wanted it for you too. In between, I'm sorry, your mother died and it felt like she took everything with her, life, hope and dreams. Another of my blind mistakes, I'm glad you kept her dream for you alive despite everything that our life has been. I hope it all goes well for you from now on.

You won't get this letter until I'm gone. I ask one thing of you when I'm gone, look out for your brother, he only knows this life that I left him, I don't think he really remembers what it's like not to hunt. He'll need your help to change that. I want better than this for you both and you are the key to making it happen – you'll be able to convince him to stop when the time comes.

Again, I'm sorry for all my mistakes and the mess I leave behind, the brother I entrust to your care as your mother and I entrusted you to his all those years ago. I am proud of the strong, wise, caring man you have become and I hope above all else, that life will be good to you and that your dreams will come true.

Your father,

John Winchester.

Author's Note: I think having seen Phantom Traveller that John was not only proud of Sam but that he would be sorry for what he'd done too. The Jerry Panowski character says that John was talking about how Sam was at Stanford. I think he is probably also too proud in a bad way to be able to say he's sorry and admit his mistakes but maybe he left a note for when it's too late to say it in person. Having said that, I've not seen the episodes where he appears for more than a couple of minutes so I still don't really know the guy.

Dean's letter is on its way. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it and now it would be great if you would review too.