AN: Anyone already starting to connect the dots or am I doing a good enough job at keeping you guessing what's going on? You'll probably know a little more after this chapter - or not, haha! Thanks so much for all the well-wishing and comments, I'm happy and healthy again ;-) I wish I could say that I am sorry for not updating in such a long time, but I have been enjoying my summer way too much. I hope you'll forgive me - I really appreciate your patience!

ALSO careful: Parts of this chapter might be a little sexy... so if you're not into it you have to skip the italics :-)

Chapter Title "As Much As I Ever Could" by City & Color

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

21 hours earlier:

"Jay? You alright up there?"
"Yeah… I'll be down in a minute…"

He just needed a minute…

A minute to compose himself. He took a deep shuddering breath and finally picked up the neon pink scrunchy he'd been staring at for so long now that his eyes had started to burn. Jay put it around his wrist. It had to look ridiculous, that bright color on him. He was understatement, earthy tones, clean-cut, classic and practical style. Rianne on the other hand…

She had been using those elastic bands lately not only to tame her wild mane into one of those messy buns she was sporting most of the time, but also to hold her pants together and buy herself some time: Time in which she could keep wearing some of her usual clothes, time until there was no hiding the fact anymore that she was expecting a child and that her life was ultimately changing. That all of their lives were changing.

When Jay had seen that scrunchy lying next to her toothpaste, he vividly remembered that one discussion they had had, only about a month earlier, when Rianne had come home from work, exhausted and uncomfortable from trying to suck in her stomach all day, which had been kind of impossible even by then. Still she had been adamant that she only needed a few more weeks until she would come clean at work.

"Babe, you're 13 weeks pregnant, you're starting to show! I think there's no way around it anymore…"

He was secretly loving the way her body was constantly changing. He had always been in love with her curves anyway, liked it when she was eating well, adored that healthy look on her. And even though he had always considered himself to be more of a butt-guy, Jay had to admit that Rianne's breasts were starting to look spectacular.

But his wife hadn't been there yet. She hadn't been ready to embrace those changes and see them as a good sign. What if this wasn't going to last? So although she knew he was technically right, there had been tears again on her end.

"Rianne, I get it, I do. But I need you to come clean at work. I need you to take care of yourself and this… our baby!"

And now? Had he taken care of them enough? He should never have let her get to work today. She should have been kept safe in this home all along. Where the hell was she? What was she thinking? Was she hurt, afraid? Was she going to be okay?

Jay splashed some more cold water on his face. He still looked like shit. A five o'clock shadow on hollow cheeks, troubled, red-rimmed eyes staring back at him in the mirror.

Maybe his initial protest against Hailey's attempts to get him to take a beat, to get changed and take a shower at home to prevent a cold in these terrible weather conditions, had been right from the start.

Yet he'd given into his partner's arguments. Maybe a break was a good idea after all, he could count on his co-workers to keep working on a lead in the meantime, to wait for the DNA results of the van and the body they had found, couldn't he? He wasn't hiding himself away, no!

But now that he had set foot into his home, their home, Jay felt even worse than he had the minute they'd found the body of that other woman.

Too much in these walls around him screamed "Rianne".

She was in every corner, every stone, in every detail. She was the one who had breathed life into this place and continued to do so. Who had managed to turn it into a refuge and a sanctuary for both of them in the blink of an eye. They had only been living here for approximately a year. As a matter of fact a year ago they had still been renovating this place, putting everything together, but it already represented something Jay knew he didn't want to live without. Couldn't live without.

It was the first house that had ever belonged to him, maybe even his first real home. Mainly because she was here.

Jay didn't know how to unwind after a long day, without knowing he could come here and find everything he needed, right here, with her.

So he had half expected Rianne's usual: "Hey, babe," from the kitchen, when he had made his way up the first flight of stairs, into the living area. Of course it didn't come.

'Hey babe, amor, favorito, baby…Jay'…No matter what term of endearment she chose, Jay just loved the way her voice sounded when she addressed him that way: Deep, yet soft like silk, full of affection and intimateness. He instantly felt at ease when he heard that voice.

On his way up to the ensuite bathroom, next to their bedroom, Jay hadn't been able to ignore all the little things that made it clear he didn't live alone here.

No matter how much of an artsy, messy and chaotic person Rianne was, there were a few rules she insisted on: the end of the toilet paper roll had to face away from the wall, the zipper of their bed covers had to be at her feet, not her face, and the plants in her greenhouse on the roof and the inner courtyard were always watered, cared for and, Jay guessed, spoken to as well.

Trying not to think too much about the fact that he'd been in here, under this very shower, with her, only a few hours ago, Jay had closed his eyes. He'd kept it together in front of his colleagues for so long now, tried acting like a professional, a detective who wanted to solve this case, as if it wasn't his own wife, who was the victim.

But not even the ice-cold water streaming down his exhausted body, had distracted him from the heartache and the sobs clawing their way out of his chest. Yesterday morning he had been standing here, kissing her, touching the slowly growing baby belly and thinking that he couldn't possibly be happier, luckier and more content.

He couldn't go without Rianne! The one who would find him sitting in the dark, staring into a glass of bourbon at night after particularly rough cases, who would wrap her arms around him and take him to bed, no questions asked. Who would make him forget about everything bad, make him smile, make him come out for drinks, even when he totally wasn't in the mood. Who would tease him every once in a while whenever he got a new fit bit ("Do we have another not so secret fitness issue on our hands?"), or wind him up about his collection of blousons and jackets, whenever he was on her case concerning the piles of clothes she would never part with. Who felt like she had known him forever, when in reality it had only been a year and a half.

He had had plans for them, for this house…

Rianne didn't know what to make of this. What the hell did that mean? That they had taken her by mistake and / or that she was practically untouchable?

Did that mean they wouldn't hurt her? But then what did they want to do with her? Why did they need her and what did they want from Jay? What had he done? Why go after his family?

And what the hell did he, the man behind that familiar voice, have to do with this? Somewhere in the back of her mind the answer to that last question was surfacing, only she didn't want to admit that she had a pretty good idea what this meant, she intuitively knew. This couldn't… he couldn't… But then why did she feel like she had known all along? All this time?

The more time passed, the quieter and darker it got around her, the more Rianne was concerned about the fact that she was shivering so badly by now, that her teeth were actually chattering uncontrollably. This certainly was no way to die.

From somewhere above her she could hear a glugging sound every once in a while, and in the far right corner there still were rustling noises. All in all very annoying sounds in her loneliness.

Jay had to be looking for her! She hadn't come home, she had missed her work appointment, she couldn't answer her phone, she was pretty sure she had dropped it where they had taken her. So he had to know that something was completely wrong.

"… I don't need help all the time and I certainly don't need saving. I have practically been on my own since I was a little girl. I can handle myself…"

An almost hysterical laugh escaped her trembling lips when suddenly those words popped into her head. He own words, from an argument she'd had with Jay, or rather his brother, very early on in their relationship. She didn't know why she was thinking about that now, it seemed like a very bad joke.

Because right now she wouldn't totally be opposed to being saved. On the contrary: She desperately needed to get out of here!

"Who were you talking to just now?"

Hailey flinched and turned around when Jay's voice was suddenly right behind her.

She hadn't heard him come back down the stairs, while she'd been mulling over the contents of her recent phone call with Kev. The blonde detective quickly composed herself and cleared her throat, trying to at least sound a little bit hopeful, that the newest info would lead to some answers:

"Kevin just called. They…, they identified the dead girl we found…"

"And?" Jay immediately sounded alert and wide awake. He was wearing a thick, dark green hoodie now, but he had still looked as if he was freezing.

Hailey feared that her answer wouldn't live up to his expectations, but she had to tell him the truth:

"It's… Her name is Anita Solvano! Does that ring a bell?"

Jay's face fell when he heard that name. She could practically see all his thoughts rushing through his head. They were reflected in his eyes, and in the way the color was immediately drained from his cheeks in a matter of seconds, making the freckles that lived there all the more prominent. She had rarely seen real fear in her partner's eyes, but there it was, and not for the first time today. Jay's eyes glazed over with the vehemence of that emotion, when he stared past her towards a vintage leather couch in the living-area…

January 14th, 2021:

Sometimes she had a sixth sense for him, a feeling that sometimes woke her up in the middle of the night, like right now. He was home.

There hadn't been any particular sounds, no lights, no door slamming, Rianne just knew. Or rather her unconscious knew: Jay was home, had been for a little while, and he hadn't come up to sleep or take a shower. So she went downstairs to look for him.

He wasn't okay, Rianne felt it. Today had been the day of the trial. Anita had told her, or rather texted her. It would probably be the last thing she would ever hear from her.

In addition to that there had been several other things on her husband's mind these days:

A psych evaluation at work to determine, if the members of Intelligence were fit to do their jobs, ready to implement the police reform, free of any flaws and prejudice,

That certainly had brought up some old themes, his traumata, the post-traumatic stress, the self-doubt.

A few weeks earlier he'd come home with a nose bleed, because he'd gotten hit during an arrest (well, something Rianne probably had made more of a fuss about), another time he'd been blaming himself for telling the father of a victim a little too much about their investigation, which had led to that man taking matters into his own hands and shooting the supposed murderer of his son, before the police could do anything.

And today? It had to be one of those cases that he couldn't shake off that lightly…

She at least still couldn't shake the part she had been involved in…

So she wasn't surprised when she found Jay sitting on their big couch, his back turned to her, nursing a glass of bourbon and staring off into space. By the looks of it, it had to be his second already.

"Hey, why are you sitting here in the dark?"

Rianne knew better than to turn on any lights, she needed to tread carefully here. Jay's dark moments were paved with landmines. One misplaced footstep and he would retreat even further into his shell.

In the dim light falling through the floor-to-ceiling courtyard windows, she took in his disheveled look. He'd put on a light blue dress shirt this morning, which was a little crumpled by now, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the top three buttons unbuttoned, his tie abandoned. He was still wearing his dark blue dress pants, but his feet were bare.

When he still didn't answer, Rianne approached him from the side, until her knees were touching the leather armrest of the sofa that she then carefully perched on.

Jay placed the tumbler he'd been holding back on the table and turned his head to her for the very first time since she'd come into the room. She had seen this look before: Those emerald pools of his a mixture of bleakness and blunt wilderness, a wasteland of troubles and existential questions. Rianne immediately knew it had to have been bad today, but before she could cautiously plan her next move, Jay had grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his lap. A surprised squeal escaped her mouth when her body collided with his and she was immediately engulfed in his warmth.

For a moment her cheek rested against his stubbly one, while his fingers explored the naked skin on her back, where his shirt, she had been sleeping in, had been rucked up. That close to Rianne could smell the alcohol on his breath, that spicy and medicinal scent.

Then Jay placed his hands on either side of her head to make her sit up straight. He pulled out her make-shift bun and rearranged the hair around her face, studying her like he was trying to remember every detail on her face. Even though it was dark and he couldn't possibly see it, Rianne felt a deep-red tinge spread over her cheeks, her neck, the top of her breasts.

His coarse thumb brushed over her lips while he was still drinking her in. Jay's look was one that made her shiver, that went through and through and made her nipples harden painfully.

As if by accident his fingertips brushed her left one, when his hand went up into her hair again, but Rianne knew Jay was doing it on purpose. She began to breathe a little harder and could see his nostrils flaring in response. His growing erection was pressing against her through the thin fabric of his dress pants and her leggings.

All the while his eyes stayed on hers. But what was he seeing? Rianne didn't dare to move. This quietness was stimulating and alarming at the same time.

Like a tiger suddenly jumping out of his lair to hunt down his prey, Jay straightened himself up and forcefully pressed his lips to hers. He kissed her deeply, passionately: A little too much teeth, a little too much desperation, his stubble scraping hard against her chin, the fingers of his left hand clutching her butt cheek with such force that she was sure he would leave marks on her skin.

Okay, so it was one of those days…

But she didn't protest. Rianne would have preferred if he'd talked to her first, but Jay obviously didn't have the words. Not yet. And honestly there was no need denying it: She had been hooked on the way he kissed her since the very first time he'd done it.

And she had to admit that she was even more turned on by the fact that for once since she was pregnant, he didn't treat her like some china doll. It felt pretty amazing: He was demanding, he was in charge, and he knew exactly how he wanted her.

Jay kept staring at that sofa now…

Right there! He'd held her right there and he'd known. He'd known something bad was about to happen. Somewhere deep inside his bones he'd known. Even if he hadn't been able to put it into real thoughts and words at the time.

"Jay, talk to me!" Hailey sounded really alarmed now and tried to get his attention by grabbing his shoulder.

But he couldn't. He knew he was spacing out, he knew he needed to get his head on straight to face this case, face the consequences of his actions, but he couldn't.

He didn't see a stop sign in her eyes, even though he looked for it fervently.

But there was just plain acceptance.

Rianne knew he needed her to soften the blow, whatever it was and wherever it had come from. In his desperate need for connection Jay didn't bother undressing them completely, he just stripped away what was blocking his way and let himself sink into her with everything he had. Falling deeper and deeper until he almost felt himself dissolve in her warmth, in this absolute closeness.

Only Rianne could melt away the icy claws of fear and terror, that were trying to freeze his heart. They would never be able to thoroughly numb him as long as she was around. And that feeling, this assurance, was something so enormous it sometimes took his breath away. Especially right now.

Afterwards the guilt about maybe having been a little too rough with her, set in.

Jay pulled up his boxers and looked at Rianne lying there on the couch with him, half clothed and out of breath, a little spent, but still with a sexy glow of the aftermath of their hasty act. It was a glow he couldn't get enough of.

His eyes possibly glazed over when he pulled Rianne up against him again, after having caught his breath a little. He held her tight, close to his heaving chest and softly kissed along her collar bone, while inhaling the scent of her moist skin.

As usual she saw right through him:

"What's up with you, babe?" It was only a whisper, but still it brought him back to reality.

"I'm sorry!" he muttered without thinking about it.

"Why?"

"I feel like I used you!"

"Well, you can use me for that anytime. You know that!" Rianne grinned and licked her lips provocatively. They were completely swollen. How he loved that dirty smirk of hers.

Yeah, he knew that she never did anything she didn't want, but still…

Jay quickly pressed his lips to the left corner of hers, as if he could distract her again.

"So? You wanna tell me what's really going on?"

Rianne never did give up that easily, but even though her fingers massaging the back of his head were urging him to come clean and share his thoughts with her, he couldn't give her that:

"I can't…"

It wasn't that he didn't want to. But how could he explain that sometimes there just were these cases that gave him a bad vibe? That let an uneasiness sneak in, although he tried so very hard to keep that door shut after returning home?

Jay had always hated when things were out of his hands. When it was for judges to decide, when he had to trust others to do their jobs properly. When he had to trust the system.

"Is Anita safe? Is it over?"

Typical of Rianne to always be concerned about others, and even more typical that without him telling her, she had nailed it: The thing that was bothering him.

Jay just gave a faint nod. He really, really hoped she was…

He had had a bad feeling back then. A feeling he hadn't been able to shake. That had made him claim his wife that night, hug her oh-so-tightly after that trial, after handing Anita over into witness protection. Rianne had known he'd been upset then, but hadn't pressed for answers, she had just let him have her. Her - his single piece of comfort. The only one he ever needed.

That feeling had nurtured the need to reassure himself that she was his, all his. That nothing and no one could touch her, as long as he had her clutched in an almost deathly grip. How stupid and naive a notion it had been!

It hadn't been the first time someone had threatened to hurt him, to hurt his family, and Jay would be lying, if he said that he never thought about the possibility of that threat becoming reality. He knew he never was completely safe, not in his line of work. People associated to him never were completely safe. But mostly he told himself that these were desperate people, clinging to desperate revenge ideas, but still never went through with them. They neither had the power, nor the resources to. Most of them hadn't, but this time it had been different.

There had been something in the way that condemned man had hissed: "Y'all are going to regret this!"

Something in the way he'd especially fixated Jay with his eyes in that moment when he'd left the court room, handcuffed, but with his head held high. Jay should have known better.

"Jay, we need to get back to the district," Hailey suddenly whispered, when he still didn't move after what had to have been minutes, her voice almost breaking with empathy.

He just watched her, his face a stoney mask. Of course they needed to get back to the district. Jay knew that, they needed to dig deeper into this case, check out the new leads that had just been uncovered, the dots that were starting to connect. Why hadn't he thought about that possibility before? It was like this had been completely wiped from his radar until now. Why?

When his father had passed away, he had been back at work and out on the streets in mere seconds - not a minute of hesitation. His mind sharp (at least so he had thought) and his body working like it was supposed to. And now that his wife was missing, Jay was stalling, frozen with fear and presentiment.

Because it ultimately was his fault. He had failed. Failed to protect her, failed to see it right from the start.

20 hours earlier:

Hailey insisted on driving and he didn't protest. It was still pretty noisy in his head from all these thoughts running wild. Unfortunately he had neither come up with a good game plan, nor a complete explanation for all that was happening. His head was beginning to seriously throb, but not spitting out any results.

Jay closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, while Hailey was navigating them through Chicago's nightly traffic.

Halfway back to the district his phone went off and distracted him from the chaos inside of him:

"Halstead?" His voice sounded rough, like he hadn't talked to anyone in quite a while.

"Jay, where are you?" It was Trudy.

"10 minutes out, why?" Short and abrupt was what he did best right now.

"We just received a package…"

"What kind of package?"

His fingers were clutching his phone with such force, Jay was almost convinced it would break every second now.

"It's…, it's a phone!"

He didn't like the hesitation in his desk sergeant's voice, at all. Why was she pausing so much? This couldn't be good.

"And?" Jay held his breath and he could feel Hailey's worried eyes on him, while she was still going at full speed.

"Someone emailed a picture of Rianne to it…"

Jay swallowed hard. Would this be the confirmation of his darkest thoughts, his deepest fear? Although he kind of didn't want to know the answer, he had to ask:

"Is she… is she alive?"

Jay had never been so glad to not be driving his car ever before, when he heard Trudy's next words:

"It's a little hard to tell…"