A Letter to Home

Disclaimer: Neither John nor Supernatural are in anyway mine (unfortunately) – see E. Kripke for ownership details.

Summary: John writes but doesn't post to Dean when he leaves the motel just before the start of the series.

Dear Dean,

This letter is not easy for me to write. I've never been that good at letter-writing and over the years, I have left more things unsaid between the three of us than I should have. You know that you and your brother are the two things that are most special in my life since your mother died and before that it was the three of you. I would have given everything to keep the three of you safe and happy.

I wish I could change what happened afterwards. I dragged you both on what has become an interminable hunt for the thing that started it all. I need you to believe me when I tell you, I never believed it would take so long and so much, so much of me and so much of you, Dean. I apologise from my heart now, now when I'm writing this and again now when you're reading it, too late but at least not never.

I want you to know that I am proud of you. You were everything I could have asked for in a son and more. You have followed me to places I never had the right to ask you to go and throughout you protected your brother from the worst, the worst of the evil, the worst of me and the worst of the world for as long as you could. You have been strong enough to let your brother go, but I know how much it hurts believe me, I do, I felt it too. Unlike me, you gave Sam your blessing and love when he left, he knew you were proud of him, he didn't see your hurt, and it takes a strong man to do that Dean. I wasn't strong, he left believing I disowned him and it's my fault he hasn't been back. I know you have tried calling him and writing to him, I know he doesn't talk to you when you call. Keep trying, holding the door in your heart open for him forever and someday he will come back into your life. You will both have changed but I have faith in you both that you will find a new balance. Try again when I have gone and maybe then he will accept what he has unwillingly managed without, because of me.

I have watched you over the last months, Dean. I worry about you. Where has your confidence and self-belief gone? You were always my strong son, a leader, a pioneer, ready to strike out away from me. Is it Sam who has done this to you? When he left did he take that essence away and leave me with just half of you? That is why I'm leaving you now. In the same way, you allowed Sam to become his own man, I leave you now to allow you to do the same. Become the man you can, the man you were before, strong, sure, brave.

You won't get this letter until I'm gone for good, not just leaving you behind to find your own path. I ask one thing of you when I'm gone, leave the hunt behind, follow Sammy's footsteps and find a better life. Believe me when I say, I have always wanted better than this for you both and you can make it happen. Seek Sam's help, he's a man now, let him help you as you have always been there for him.

Again, I'm sorry for all my mistakes and the mess I have always needed you to help me find my way through. I am proud of the man you have become and I hope above all else, that life will be good to you and that you will find a dream you would like to come true.

Your father,

John Winchester.

Author's Note: This letter bears certain key resemblances to the one from John to Sam as I feel that he would want to convey a similar message to both of his boys; his pride, his acknowledgement of his own failings and the sense of the two of them needing to support one another.

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