Part Ten
Troubled Waters, Part II
AN:
Much of this was written on impulse.
The story seems to be taking a new direction from what was originally planned,
but I can't say that's a bad thing. ^_~
This chapter turned out a little angsty, with lots of Heero and Relena.
But keep reading -- the next chapter will be better. Ja ne!
^_^
All the usual disclaimers apply.
Wufei stood at his window, staring down at the street. The rain had stopped, and traffic had picked up as more people ventured out into the day. The sky was still an unbroken slate of gray, but a swift wind gave hopes for a clear and beautiful evening.
With his urge to go across the street temporarily gone and Heero's words still repeating in his thoughts, he found himself in an emotional limbo, unable to decide what his next actions should be. He had been unable to distract himself with his wall hangings, and had turned to the quiet street below for solace. Not that he could say the endless gray sky and colorless day were doing him any good.
He was abruptly turned from these thoughts by a small commotion in the hallway, just outside his door. Curious, he went to see what was going on. He opened the door to see Sally trying to get into her apartment. The task would have been much easier for her if she weren't trying to juggle the two grocery sacks cradled in her arms while she tried to fish her keys out of her jacket pocket. Smiling to himself, Wufei crossed his arms and watched, casually leaning against the doorframe even as Sally struggled for balance.
At last, Wufei could contain his thoughts no longer. "Why don't you try putting the bags down."
Sally whirled, fixing him with a look that would have shriveled a prune. She might have given him an equally scathing reply if it weren't for the mail she held between her clenched teeth.
Sally turned her back to him, doing her best to ignore him despite the pink tinge that rose to her cheeks. She managed to do it very well, successfully pulling her keys from her pocket while maintaining her poise with grocery sacks still intact -- until she dropped her keys.
Wufei had to resist the urge to laugh out loud. Instead, he assumed a gentlemanly air as he approached her. "Please, allow me," he said as sweetly as he could, bending down to retrieve her keys. Sally's face blossomed into deep scarlet as he opened the door for her, swinging it wide open before gesturing for her to precede him. "After you."
"Hmph!" Sally muttered, brushing past him in an effort to set down her heavy load. Once inside the kitchen with bags placed on the table, she pulled the mail from her mouth and turned on him, even as he was gently shutting the door. "Just what do you think you're doing, Wufei? You think that was funny?"
Wufei easily saw through Sally's anger, smiling at the embarrassment that she was so feebly trying to hide. "What's wrong? I was just trying to help."
"Help, huh?" Sally scoffed, sifting through her mail. "Why is it that your brand of 'help' always costs me my dignity to some extent?" Looking up, she was dismayed to find that Wufei was barely paying her any attention, his gaze focused on the pan she had set on her stove.
"You… baked?" he asked, his eyes wide. Sally doubted she had ever seen him look so incredulous.
"Yeah, so? Not all my training came from military discipline, you know." Her words sounded much braver than she felt; already she could feel her insides fluttering as Wufei headed toward the stove to inspect her efforts, as though she were suddenly his culinary offspring.
"They look good," he said at last, with all the presence of a master chef. "They look a little dry though…"
Sally's pride twinged, and her anger flared. "What do you mean, 'they look a little dry?' You have a lot of nerve criticizing my brownies when you haven't even tasted them yet!"
Wufei fished among her drawers until he brought out a knife. "May I?"
Sally huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Be my guest."
In a trice, the brownies were flipped onto a plate, looking like one giant snack. Taking the knife, Wufei cut a small piece from one corner and popped it into his mouth. After a few moments of chewing, he nodded, smiling slightly. "Yes, they're good -- but a little dry."
Sally's mouth dropped. "Give me that knife!" She cut a small piece for herself and, tasting it, found his words to be true.
At her despair, Wufei gave her a smile. "Don't worry, Sally. It's not that bad. If you're up to it, I can show you a quick recipe for some frosting."
Sally ignored the smugness in his tone, eagerly showing her willingness. "Yes, Wufei, please!"
"Good. Let's see… you'll need some bowls, and a mixing spoon… Do you have any powdered sugar?"
Sally shook her head.
"That's fine. I should have enough. Get your bowls out; I'll be right back."
Nodding her thanks, Sally turned to dig in her cupboards for the necessary items. As she heard her door open, followed by his across the hall, she began to wonder about his sudden generosity. He had never before offered to share a recipe with her -- he would always do it himself, shooing her out of the kitchen as though she were a small child, always in the way. Perhaps this vacation was doing him some good, after all.
A few moments later, Wufei returned with his arms full of cooking ingredients. "This should be everything we need," he explained, setting down his load. "Although there is one item I must have before we begin."
"What's that?" Sally asked, fearing the worst as she regarded the severity of his expression. Wufei took a breath, then looked Sally square in the eyes. "A glass of milk. That brownie I had is killing me."
Sally's features darkened as she realized she was being teased -- again -- by a man known in the Preventer offices as the Human Statue. "Wufei, I--"
Wufei grinned at her, his eyes sparkling in a way she had never seen before. There was such a lightness in his attitude -- her anger drained away immediately.
"I have to agree with you," she said at last, turning toward her fridge to get the milk. "Just promise me that you'll fix it?"
"Hn. Stand back, woman. You are about to see a master at work."
* * *
Relena's phone rang, derailing her train of thought. "I hope it's not the office again," she murmured, getting up to sit at the table where the phone lay. The vid screen was blinking, so she switched it on, immediately recognizing the wide grin she saw.
"Hey, beautiful! How's my best babe in politics doin'?"
"Duo! It's good to see you. And you, Hilde," Relena chimed, nodding at the brunette who had draped herself over the braided pilot, seated in a chair. "Congratulations on your new contract."
"Heh, thanks. 'Course I couldn't have done it without my esteemed business partner." Hilde blushed at the compliment. "Oh! Relena -- have you told the others about our plans for Saturday?"
"Our plans?" Relena gasped as she remembered the dinner Hilde had invited her to. "Oh! I completely forgot! I'm sorry…"
"You're slippin', 'Lena. All that vacation time must've…" Duo stopped mid-sentence, his dumbfounded expression meaning only one thing.
Relena looked up to see that Heero had come to stand behind her and was now leaning over her to be captured by the phone's camera. The robe he wore hung open in front, showing off his well muscled chest.
"Hey, Heero!" Duo said slyly, slowly regaining his composure. "Didn't know you were there. We didn't… interrupt anything, did we?" Duo gave an obnoxious wink, bringing color to Relena's cheeks.
"It's not what you think, Duo." Relena looked at Heero for help, but he seemed to ignore the comment, undaunted by the implications.
"What about Saturday?" Heero asked, piqued by the mention of plans.
"We -- we're having dinner… uh, Saturday…" Hilde managed, gaping as she looked from Relena to Heero and back again.
"Don't forget to invite Sally and Wufei, too," Duo reminded. "And don't worry about what to wear. Just nothin' too dressy, 'kay?"
"Right." Relena said nothing more, suddenly wishing to be away from Hilde's stare and Duo's insinuations.
"And Relena," Hilde chirped, finding her voice once more, "we'll talk later, right?"
"Yes. I think there are certain matters worth… explaining."
Hilde smiled, her eyes lighting up with the promise of gossip. "'Til later, then."
"Bye for now, guys. Don't forget this time, 'Lena!"
"I won't. Bye."
The vid screen clicked off. Relena released a breath, then turned on Heero. "Why did you do that? You know how those two think!"
Heero regarded her, his eyes dismissing her trepidations. "You spoke with those two earlier?" Relena waved her hand, the matter of relative unimportance to her mind. "Just Hilde. We went shopping for a while the other day."
Relena rose, going back to the couch. Heero followed her with his eyes, noting that she seemed agitated. It was just a certain stiffness to her walk and a slight hesitance to her gaze, but for one whose outward appearance was as filtered as Relena's, these were like neon signs advertising that something was wrong.
Heero joined her on the couch, falling into a deceptively relaxed position. "You didn't mention it."
"Oh?" Relena met his gaze, realizing by the concern she saw there that she was betraying some of her inner turmoil; those eyes of his seemed to be probing her, searching for a reason why.
Relena shut her eyes for little more than a blink, slipping into what she sometimes referred to as her "other self." In that instant, her shoulders relaxed, her vision focused, and she was able to give Heero a patient, genuine smile. "I know what you're thinking, Heero," she said, her voice sounding smooth and easy. "It's unlike me to be so forgetful. I've just been busy lately, that's all."
He glanced at the stack of papers she had been shuffling earlier. "Work?"
She nodded.
Heero considered, his silent observation never wavering. Inwardly, Relena wondered if he were peering into her very thoughts and could somehow see the truth that she had neatly tucked away in her brain. But, she asked herself, just what was she so afraid that he would find? Perhaps that it had been Wufei's shock she had seen in Duo's face just moments ago? Or that she had suddenly felt as though she were being dishonorable somehow by being in such close company with a man whom she'd had severely mixed feelings for over the last five years?
Relena forced her features to remain serene, quelling the ripples of anxiety that such a thought produced.
Feeling the need to steer the conversation away from herself, she chose to focus on Heero, curious how the week had been going for him. "By the way," she began, interested to see how much she could glean about his new friendship with Sally, "I hope you didn't mind Sally taking you to the shop on Monday."
Heero shook his head, dropping his gaze to the bottle of Perrier he still held. "It was fine."
Relena stared at her hands clasped gently in her lap. She realized extracting any surplus information from this man would be nearly impossible. She might as well get straight to the point; he would notice any ploy she might use in asking what she wanted to know. "I saw your bike outside yesterday. You've been spending time with…"
"Relena." He cut her off before she could speak any name. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you."
Her eyes slid upward to meet his. "Yes?"
Heero sat forward, looking her straight in the eye. "Are you in love with me?"
Relena's breath stopped in her throat. "What?"
"I need an answer."
"Heero, I--" Relena's heart was racing now, and she felt dizzy. Her gaze wandered to the floor, over the walls; she couldn't look at him. How could he ask her that? And how did she begin to answer? Her focus darted about the room as though the answer could be found sitting in front of her if she only searched hard enough. "I… I don't know."
Moving toward her, he took her hand, delicately placing it on his chest. She could feel his heartbeat, even and strong beneath her fingertips. "Look at me, Relena."
Her eyes, hazy and burning with the start of tears, turned back to his.
"Now tell me: what does your heart say?"
Her vision blurred as she looked at him, tears shining in her eyes. Her throat was too tight for her to speak all the sudden. This was it -- a moment of confession that would decide how things were between them from now on. She searched deep inside her heart for the answer she wanted to give, but the truth she found was like a brand that could not be undone. Finally, she shook her head. "No," she whispered, her voice hoarse. Her unshed tears at last began to fall. "No, I'm not, Heero. I…" More tears fell, unheeded, as Relena tried to make sense of what she was saying. "I'm sorry…" She sniffed, unable to say more. She felt as though a terrible door had just been pried open within her, swallowing a part of her world.
Quiet sobs racked her shoulders, causing her whole body to shake as more tears flowed, unchecked. Heero pulled her close, scooping her into his arms for an embrace. He cradled her head, wiping her face as he told her, "It's okay, Relena. You don't have to feel sorry. Your feelings can't be helped."
"No, you don't understand!" she cried, pushing him away. "Five years you've been haunting my every waking thought! All of my dreams and my hopes were centered around you! I used to fantasize about how we could be together and what our life would be like. Even when you left for three years, I didn't care, because I knew you'd be back for me! But when you came, it was…" Relena held her hands up to her face, suddenly ashamed. "Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would! I had so many plans…"
Relena stopped, giving way to her tears. At Heero's touch, she fell willingly into his arms, crying softly into the terrycloth robe.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way…" she murmured. "I wanted to love you so badly." She sniffed, swallowing hard at the lump in her throat. She felt as if misery itself were enfolding her.
"Plans have a way of changing," Heero said softly. "Sometimes, we want to believe we can set our lives on a direct course, and as long as we follow all the directions, live our lives as good citizens, everything will turn out well in the end. But the reality is, that almost never happens."
Relena listened in silence, thinking back to what her life was like before she met Heero. She had had no dreams then, no real hopes for the future. She had been like a doll, conforming to someone else's ideals.
"The best that we can hope for ourselves," Heero continued, "is to expect these changes and be open to them. Because if we are to survive, we must adapt -- there is no other way."
"So you're telling me to go with the flow," Relena said, her voice muffled by the robe. "But doesn't a flow always tend to lead downhill?" She couldn't keep the sarcasm from her voice.
Heero smiled. "Water tends to flow downhill, but only because it's the easiest path. Life flows and changes in many directions, but rarely does it choose the paths that are easy." Relena smiled a little. She always felt better around Heero; how could she not love this man?
Sitting up, she smoothed her hair, wiping the wetness from her face. "I'm sorry, Heero. I feel so ashamed."
"Don't be. You shouldn't feel ashamed about honesty."
"But I feel as though… I should love you. I mean, we've been through so much together."
Heero leaned back on the couch, watching her.
"I guess in all these years I never really questioned it… It just seemed natural. And then you ask a question out of the blue, and…" A biting look of pain crossed her features, fresh tears brimming in her eyes. "I feel so lost, Heero." Her voice was thick and heavy, and it was an effort to speak. To her own ears, she sounded like a petulant child, but she continued, in some way hoping he could fill a void which had suddenly been gouged into her soul.
"You are a strong woman, Relena. I don't think the realization that you're not in love with me will keep you down for very long."
Relena started as though his words were a slap in the face, then smiled, laughing at their meaning. "It sounds so absurd when you say it like that." She wiped at her eyes, trying hard to regain her composure. He was right after all -- it was silly to be as upset as she was. Yet she couldn't help the feeling that a chunk was missing somewhere. How could she have not known her own feelings? Had she been using her love for Heero as some kind of crutch? A device to strengthen her own character?
"I feel like I owe you an apology, Heero," she said at last, thinking over the last six months. "I know my confusion must have been hard for you to deal with on top of your own. I feel that in trying to pull you closer to me, I have only succeeded in pushing you away."
"No, Relena, that's not true."
Relena gave him a warm smile. "You don't have to lie for me, Heero. I can understand how you must have felt."
Heero remained silent; there was no need to say more.
Relena shared his silence, regarding him with new eyes. The moment felt oddly detached; looking at him was like looking at a stranger hiding in the guise of someone she knew well. Up until now, it had seemed to her that Heero had held a sort of glow, an indefinable quality that she thought would forever separate him in her mind from anyone else. Now, for the first time, she looked at Heero and saw what he truly was: an ordinary man. True, he had done extraordinary things, but he was still just an ordinary man sitting there at the end of her couch, bereft of clothing save for his undershorts and her oversized bathroom robe.
There was nothing different in the shock of hair that covered his head, its thick waves seemingly trying to escape each other, nor the deep blue of his eyes, nor the clarity of his features. What was different -- or perhaps just newly noticeable to her -- was his utter humanness. No longer did Heero seem infallible, somehow above the flaws that cursed the rest of the human race. He was in the same boat she was, trying to peck out his existence in this troubled world with the same set of tools she possessed. She had cheated herself into believing he held some sort of secret rule book; it was only the fact that he'd been doing this far longer than she that made it seem that way.
Tracing his form with her eyes, she saw the minute lines set around his mouth, the humble set of his strong shoulders that spoke of burdens borne and lost. And the look set deep within his eyes, which she had seen as romanticized sadness, she now realized was a look of weariness, a look that aged him far beyond his 20 years. She now understood she could never bring this man happiness, never share the weight in his heart. And as hard as it was to accept, she knew she was not the one to make Heero love life once again. Stealing a glance out her window, she wondered if Sally was up to the task.
Her attention returned to the moment at hand, now completely in control of herself. "So, what will you do now, Heero? You're not going to run off again, are you?"
Heero shook his head, smiling a little. "No, I'm not going to leave again. I'm just starting to get the hang of things. But I could ask the same of you, Relena. Une tells me you have no social life - no real friends outside of those once known as gundam pilots. Has all that been on my account?"
Relena blushed, turning her eyes away. "It's been a lot of things, Heero, not just you." It felt strange admitting all this to him now. "I suppose at first, I didn't want any distractions. I mean, there was so much to do after the war. But then, I got to missing you so much… work was my only escape. After a while, I got so used to the routine, I didn't want to change." She peered up at him, her eyes shielded by her bangs. "I still don't want to."
Heero gave her a long hard look. "I think you're overlooking something. There must be someone special on your mind. You can't convince me that your work has been your sole occupation these last four days."
Dark, slanted eyes loomed in the back of Relena's mind, whispering things she was not ready to hear. "I… cannot confirm nor deny your suspicions, Heero." She sighed. "At the moment, I don't know what to think of myself."
"Then try not to think of anything. You should get some rest. Take a vacation from your vacation."
Relena smiled. She felt it was exactly what she needed.
She heard the dryer wind down and stop, but for the moment, neither of them moved.
"I'm sorry, Relena," Heero said, his voice heavy. "I didn't mean to burden you like this."
"No, Heero, this was not a burden. I think, in many ways, it takes a burden away."
* * *
"There now, you see?" Wufei tilted the plate of newly frosted and cut brownies this way and that, showing Sally that they looked excellent from every angle. "Now for the real test." Wufei selected a square and cut it in half, giving one piece to Sally and popping the other in his mouth.
Sally's eyes betrayed her anxiety as she slowly bit into it; however, her face lit up a moment later, her smile giving her approval. "It's delicious! Oh, thank you, Wufei!"
In her excitement, she jumped forward, giving Wufei a short hug. He was too stunned to react, clearing his throat at the awkward moment as she pulled away, slightly embarrassed.
Lifting his eyes, Wufei commented on the groceries she had left lying on the table. "You were going to make something else?"
Sally turned to the ingredients she had set out, finishing off the last of her brownie. "Yeah, some pasta. But I can do that myself." To emphasize this, she began clearing away the dishes they had dirtied and brought out a large pot to boil some water.
Wufei noted the size of the pot with flickering interest. "And who are you going through all of this trouble for? Is your mother coming to visit?"
Sally laughed at the prospect. "No, not this time. If that were the case, I wouldn't be this calm."
Wufei waited for more, but none was forthcoming. "You're not going to tell me?"
Sally stopped her preparations, giving him a scrutinizing look. "You sure are dense sometimes. But I suppose it's not entirely your fault." Turning toward the sink, she began washing her dishes. "And no, I'm not going to tell you."
Wufei's signature scowl had returned once again, full volume. "I'm not as dense as you would like to believe."
Sally said nothing, her back turned to him.
"It's Yuy, isn't it? You've invited that baka over here again?"
She paused for a moment, then set a newly cleaned bowl aside to dry. "Yes."
Wufei's temper flared. "Woman, are you crazy? Getting involved with Yuy would be suicidal! Have you at all considered what this will do to your working relationship?" Wufei heard the anger in his voice, inwardly questioning himself why he was so irate. It was only a short while ago, he reminded himself, that he had shrugged off the notion of Sally and Heero dating. But now, face to face with his partner of four years, it was a different story.
Sally faced him, a sly look in her eyes. "What's the matter, Wufei? You sound almost… jealous."
Wufei recoiled, his eyes showing his surprise and loathing at the word. "I'm not jealous," he seethed. "I am asking you to consider the consequences of your actions."
"Why should it matter to you what the consequences of my actions are, Wufei? I can live with the choices I make, whether or not you approve." She turned from him, hands gripping the counter's edge.
Wufei closed his eyes, releasing a slow breath. "What about Relena? Are you willing to break her heart, too?"
Sally's reply was slow in coming. "Relena is not involved in this."
"How can you be sure?"
She slowly swung around to face him, weariness evident in her features. "I know, the same way I know you are not involved with me."
Wufei blinked, considering this.
Sally returned to doing her dishes.
He joined her a moment later. "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" he asked, taking up a towel to dry the dishes in front of him.
"You're making this out to be something it isn't. Heero and I aren't dating; we're just old friends getting to know each other a little better."
"You say that now…"
"Yes, I say that now, and if it changes, then it changes. So unless you have something useful to say, stop being so arrogant and dig my cutting board out of that drawer over there."
"Hn." Wufei set down dish and towel and did as she requested.
* * *
The uneasiness that churned within Relena's stomach showed on her face as she looked out the window, watching Heero cross a busy Walnut Avenue and disappear beneath the maroon awning that guarded the adjacent building's doors. Reluctant as she was to admit it, it had been an unpleasant surprise to see him standing there when she had opened her door, expecting to find Wufei in his stead. Now the conflicting emotions and confusion that had been mounting inside her during his visit were coming to a head. She needed to deal with them now, before things spun out of control.
But where to begin? There were so many questions -- some of which she was afraid to answer, many that she feared the consequences of. It was obvious that Heero was in much better spirits than… well, ever. Was it really because of Sally? Was it possible that they were falling in love? It could be, but…
Did she really feel nothing for this man? Ever since she had seen him washed up on that beach five years ago, Heero had been on her mind every day. Sometimes the longing she had felt for him -- especially during his three year absence -- had made it hard for her to even breathe. Yet now it was possible that after all this time, he would fall into the arms of another -- one might even say she helped arrange it for them -- and she could claim neither sorrow nor jealousy because of it. Just how long had she been lying to herself?
She knew in the beginning, she had used Heero's image and strength as a way of dealing with her father's death and the revelation of her past. She also knew that through the incidents surrounding Mariemaia's attempt to rule, she had been in love with him completely. So when did that change? As a woman who needed to be independently strong -- thought of herself as being such -- it was a disconcerting thought to realize that she might have been subconsciously depending on another all along. She needed to sort her thoughts out, get used to the idea that she wasn't in love at all, and live her life as any normal 20 year old would. Or at least try, given the constraints of her position.
But that was another thing -- just what were her feelings for Wufei? Even the thought of him made her smile, and she couldn't deny the way her heart had raced when she had heard that knock at her door, assuming it was him. So then, was this a crush? Quite possibly. But with all that had come pouring from her heart in her talk with Heero, a part of her wondered if she were merely attaching herself to his strength to make herself stronger -- another crutch to get over another difficulty, this time Heero instead of her father.
The thought angered her. She needed to prove to herself that she was still the woman she thought she was -- still Relena Dorlian, the one with a backbone of steel and a heart of gold. Standing tall, she looked at her ghostly reflection in the window. She didn't like the frightened look she saw staring back at her, so she smiled, the cool confidant smile of an aristocrat. Peering beyond the window, she caught sight of Wufei's apartment, her eyes automatically drifting there.
Frowning, she closed the curtains. Pact or no pact, Wufei would just have to wait.